In the past, I’ve often said that rom hacks are generally about genitalia,
racism, or drugs. In the spirit of the latter, I bring you Coke Head:
Junkie, formerly Code Name: Viper, a game where you single-handedly
take down a drug syndicate in South America by rescuing hapless civilians
and shooting hundreds of soldiers that came onto the scene via Indiana
Jones-style rotating walls. Anyway, let’s get this shameless display of
modern immaturity over with.
Ah, a lovely
remake of the original title screen, the paramount of the rom hacker’s
craft. Demonstrating foresight, the author of the hack has chosen not to
reveal a name, or email address, or anything else that can be used to
prove that they were involved in the inception of this particular hack.
I’d like to dwell on this title screen for as long as possible, as it
portends a tragic story of one man’s struggle to create an innovative rom
hack, and ultimately his decision to settle for making a hack that
delivers pot humor that was rejected by the writers of High Times magazine
for being “too stupid.” Well, moving on…
time for a briefing from your very commanding superior. Someone has “gaffled”
your stash! Well you know what that means: time to grab your “gats,” hop
in your “helicopter,” and go down to “South America” to "ungaffle" your
stash from the offending "stash gafflers". Fortunately, you kept a single
roach in your mouth for just such an occasion. We can only hope that it
will last you until you can recover your stash.
an introduction like that, I am psyched about this whole drug recapture
operation! Also, note that the player icon in the corner has been altered
so he has a joint instead of a gun. You still have your standard issue
“gats,” though I almost expected the hack’s author to replace the guns
with some sort of joint rifle, or replace the bullets with puffs of smoke
that you blow at the enemies. I guess those wouldn’t make sense, given
that the plot is about you trying to retrieve your swindled pot, and you
wouldn’t want to go around sharing what little you have left with these
bud-burglars. “Bud-burglars”? What’s wrong with me!? Anyway, it just gets
better from there once you start slipping into the rotating walls to check
for hostages as you would in the original game:
Are you sensing a theme here?
(editor's note: even though this is how these guys look in the
original game, I swear they're naked!)
my little liberated hostage friends, you want to tell me something? “Smoke
dope”? Oh, I’m afraid I can’t do that right now; I’m down to my last joint
thanks to those jerks who stole my precious stash. Maybe later. Boy, that
third hostage doesn’t look so good. I guess he should have stopped smoking
when he started to skeletonize. Ah, there’s a single joint hiding in this
spinning wall. Good, now I’ll have more time to search for the stash
before I start to lose my nice high. Ooh, look, an authentic South
American bong! I can use this to… refill my pistol ammo. Hey, a syringe!
Now I… have machine gun ammo? Wait, look! That guy is toking up, too! He
must be one of the good guys! And he has the precious stash! Now I can go
home and smoke dope like those hostages were telling me…
the stash at a door and watch it explode? Whatever. After selflessly using
your last remaining pot to blow upon the door, you enter and toke up with
the prisoner. Once the bong runs out, though, you’re back on the road,
searching for more pot just like a regular pothead, only you don’t have to
fence VCRs and work at Spencer Gifts so that you’ll have money to buy pot.
No, you’re back on the trail with another piece of a letter that will
reveal the leader of the organization that did you a tremendous disservice
by gaffling your precious stash.
Well, that does it. It just goes on and on from there. I will say this
about the author: he didn’t give up after the first few levels. The drug
paraphernalia that’s worked into the background like a Where’s Waldo book
for junkies goes on all the way until the very end, which you’ll see if
you can stomach the bland, repetitive gameplay of Coke Head: Junkie
for that long. Even the "Game Over" screen bears some of the rom hacker’s
I, of course, chose not to continue. And now, a message for all the future
rom hackers of the world: there is a special place in hell for rom hackers
who churn out steaming piles such as this, where you will be jabbed in the
eyes daily with the various syringes, inverted crosses, and penises that
you fill your roms with, and the only thing you’ll do day in and day out
is play other insipid rom hacks by other rom hackers who will soon be
sharing your spot in hell. Enjoy.
You too can play Coke Head: Junkie!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE
COKE HEAD: JUNKIE ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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