One of my favorite movies of all time has to be Army of Darkness. In it,
Bruce CampbellÖ aw hell, if I have to explain to you what happens in Army
of Darkness, then odds are you havenít seen it at all. That being the
case, begone from my rom hack review, you clod.
There. Now that Iíve banished the outsiders, the rest of you whoíve seen
the movie (and loved it, no doubt) are all too familiar with just how
great it is. In fact, the whole Evil Dead series is pretty nifty. I know
what youíre thinking: why didnít anyone think to license a Nintendo game
for these movies? Well, rom hacker K. Voorhees is about to show you why
Iíll give him that he made a neat little 8-bit chainsaw, but what the hell
is going on with the rest of it? A pink-stock shotgun pointing at a pale
smiley face? A second rate font? Yes, friends, itís just the beginning of
a long, downhill ride.
then. Thereís our setup for the bastardization of a semi-classic Nintendo
game. I hope Sam Raimi is too busy directing Cleopatra 2525 to see this
brand new beginning menu! Tiny chainsaws, human hearts, and crappy
bottles! By the way, get used to the bloody font. Youíll be seeing quite a
bit of it. Also, Iíd like to make a preemptive ďup yoursĒ to those of you
about to criticize my lack of originality in coming up with a name for my
in-game character. All my thought was spent in trying to come up with a
million different ways to say that rom hackers deserve a curbing.
Enough with the preliminaries, letís take a look at the new Link/Ash:
Not a bad
comparison, eh? Except that our Ash has apparently run out of shotgun
shells, and, more importantly, has no impressive one-liners to speak of.
And what is a hero without memorable lines and a dry, cool wit? Heís no
Ash, I can tell you that much. That said, letís take a look at the new
bestiary (with shots from the movie so you can make your own comparisons):
mini-ash, like from the movie! How authentic! By the way, if youíre
wondering why heís jiggling like that, itís because the author decided to
replace the jiggling blue and red blobs with jiggling blue and red
doppelgangers. Very inventive.
And hey, a
good old fashion Deadite right where that boring old Moblin used to be.
other stuff was well and good, but what these things supposed to be?
Something with a horse skull and only one boot, a small red trollÖ thingy,
and a knight with a jawless skull.
Oh well. They arenít that bad, I suppose. At least he made an effort to
change something. While weíre on the topic of new enemies, check out the
As if in tribute to the cheap special effects from the Evil Dead series,
K. Voorhees presents this somewhat menacing evil goat monster. He could be
more menacing, though, if only he had both of his boots on.
Now, I know I said we be checking out the new bosses, but unfortunately,
the author ran out of steam after the first boss, so youíll all just have
to sit back and enjoy the one. Or play the original and pretend none of
this ever happened. Personally, Iíd go with the latter if I were you.
If you think thatís bad, just take a look at the outside world:
new saw-tooth mountains and guacamole forest. Scoff at the new
salt-and-pepper town icon. Then, step off the path for a moment, and
wonder why it is that youíre being accosted by a giant red-eyed robot.
Itís just like from Evil Dead 2, when Ash squared off against Robot Ash. I
forget how it turned out, but I believe the entire earth was destroyed.
Iíve saved the very best for last, though. A big part of Zelda II was
going into towns and picking the brains of the nondescript townsfolk for
information regarding anything from the location of a secret heart
container to finding out who was too busy running back and forth across
the screen to talk to you. Well, K. Voorhees certainly did a number on the
towns in question.
canít believe the owner painted his house white after Labor Day. And
believe it or not, that indistinguishable red mass in front of
orange/black door is actually a person. Truly, the author is an innovator,
AND a visionary. A vinnovasiontorary, if you will.
Things being as they are, I decided to pay the town elder a visit.
Ugh. That is
definitely not from the movies. And the poor elderÖ K. Voorhees, didnít
anyone ever teach you to respect your elders. Turning them into flashing
bird-headed freakazoids is no way to behave.
there was this. I really have no joke to go along with this picture; it
just seemed so out of place to have a townsperson (or townsthing in this
case) telling you something like that. Itís as though K. Voorhees had been
pressured to include at least one instance of puerile rom hacking,
possibly from a secret cabal of some of the worst offenders in the history
of rom hacking.
Now normally, I would try and beat any rom hack I review so that I show
you people just how thoroughly the original work has been sullied, but
thanks to K. Voorheesí ham-fisted hackery, I ran into some difficulty
after a little while.
But Iím a
trooper. Despite not being able to see exactly where Iím going, or what it
is that Iím fighting, I pressed on. I even made it to another palace
before I was finally forced to quit.
it up for one manís half-assed attempt at bringing you the world of Evil
Dead on your PC. I hope someone hacks up K. Voorhees with a chainsaw and
buries him next to an old mill. Iíll leave you with a screenshot from my
own Evil Dead hack of Zelda II. Enjoy.
You too can play Evil Dead!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EVIL DEAD ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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