-a rom hack of "Zelda 2 - The Adventure of Link" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

One of my favorite movies of all time has to be Army of Darkness. In it, Bruce Campbell… aw hell, if I have to explain to you what happens in Army of Darkness, then odds are you haven’t seen it at all. That being the case, begone from my rom hack review, you clod.

There. Now that I’ve banished the outsiders, the rest of you who’ve seen the movie (and loved it, no doubt) are all too familiar with just how great it is. In fact, the whole Evil Dead series is pretty nifty. I know what you’re thinking: why didn’t anyone think to license a Nintendo game for these movies? Well, rom hacker K. Voorhees is about to show you why not…

Alright, I’ll give him that he made a neat little 8-bit chainsaw, but what the hell is going on with the rest of it? A pink-stock shotgun pointing at a pale smiley face? A second rate font? Yes, friends, it’s just the beginning of a long, downhill ride.

Well ok then. There’s our setup for the bastardization of a semi-classic Nintendo game. I hope Sam Raimi is too busy directing Cleopatra 2525 to see this shameful display.

Behold the brand new beginning menu! Tiny chainsaws, human hearts, and crappy bottles! By the way, get used to the bloody font. You’ll be seeing quite a bit of it. Also, I’d like to make a preemptive “up yours” to those of you about to criticize my lack of originality in coming up with a name for my in-game character. All my thought was spent in trying to come up with a million different ways to say that rom hackers deserve a curbing.

Enough with the preliminaries, let’s take a look at the new Link/Ash:

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Not a bad comparison, eh? Except that our Ash has apparently run out of shotgun shells, and, more importantly, has no impressive one-liners to speak of. And what is a hero without memorable lines and a dry, cool wit? He’s no Ash, I can tell you that much. That said, let’s take a look at the new bestiary (with shots from the movie so you can make your own comparisons):

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Look, a mini-ash, like from the movie! How authentic! By the way, if you’re wondering why he’s jiggling like that, it’s because the author decided to replace the jiggling blue and red blobs with jiggling blue and red doppelgangers. Very inventive.

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And hey, a good old fashion Deadite right where that boring old Moblin used to be. Interesting.

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All that other stuff was well and good, but what these things supposed to be? Something with a horse skull and only one boot, a small red troll… thingy, and a knight with a jawless skull.

Oh well. They aren’t that bad, I suppose. At least he made an effort to change something. While we’re on the topic of new enemies, check out the new bosses:

Oooh, scary. As if in tribute to the cheap special effects from the Evil Dead series, K. Voorhees presents this somewhat menacing evil goat monster. He could be more menacing, though, if only he had both of his boots on.

Now, I know I said we be checking out the new bosses, but unfortunately, the author ran out of steam after the first boss, so you’ll all just have to sit back and enjoy the one. Or play the original and pretend none of this ever happened. Personally, I’d go with the latter if I were you.

If you think that’s bad, just take a look at the outside world:

Enjoy the new saw-tooth mountains and guacamole forest. Scoff at the new salt-and-pepper town icon. Then, step off the path for a moment, and wonder why it is that you’re being accosted by a giant red-eyed robot. It’s just like from Evil Dead 2, when Ash squared off against Robot Ash. I forget how it turned out, but I believe the entire earth was destroyed.

I’ve saved the very best for last, though. A big part of Zelda II was going into towns and picking the brains of the nondescript townsfolk for information regarding anything from the location of a secret heart container to finding out who was too busy running back and forth across the screen to talk to you. Well, K. Voorhees certainly did a number on the towns in question.

Beautiful. I can’t believe the owner painted his house white after Labor Day. And believe it or not, that indistinguishable red mass in front of orange/black door is actually a person. Truly, the author is an innovator, AND a visionary. A vinnovasiontorary, if you will.

Things being as they are, I decided to pay the town elder a visit.

Ugh. That is definitely not from the movies. And the poor elder… K. Voorhees, didn’t anyone ever teach you to respect your elders. Turning them into flashing bird-headed freakazoids is no way to behave.

And then there was this. I really have no joke to go along with this picture; it just seemed so out of place to have a townsperson (or townsthing in this case) telling you something like that. It’s as though K. Voorhees had been pressured to include at least one instance of puerile rom hacking, possibly from a secret cabal of some of the worst offenders in the history of rom hacking.

Now normally, I would try and beat any rom hack I review so that I show you people just how thoroughly the original work has been sullied, but thanks to K. Voorhees’ ham-fisted hackery, I ran into some difficulty after a little while.

But I’m a trooper. Despite not being able to see exactly where I’m going, or what it is that I’m fighting, I pressed on. I even made it to another palace before I was finally forced to quit.

Yeesh.

That wraps it up for one man’s half-assed attempt at bringing you the world of Evil Dead on your PC. I hope someone hacks up K. Voorhees with a chainsaw and buries him next to an old mill. I’ll leave you with a screenshot from my own Evil Dead hack of Zelda II. Enjoy.