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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Evil Dead!
-a rom hack of "Zelda 2 - The Adventure of Link" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie


One of my favorite movies of all time has to be Army of Darkness. In it, Bruce CampbellÖ aw hell, if I have to explain to you what happens in Army of Darkness, then odds are you havenít seen it at all. That being the case, begone from my rom hack review, you clod.

There. Now that Iíve banished the outsiders, the rest of you whoíve seen the movie (and loved it, no doubt) are all too familiar with just how great it is. In fact, the whole Evil Dead series is pretty nifty. I know what youíre thinking: why didnít anyone think to license a Nintendo game for these movies? Well, rom hacker K. Voorhees is about to show you why notÖ

Pink shotgun available only at S-Mart

Alright, Iíll give him that he made a neat little 8-bit chainsaw, but what the hell is going on with the rest of it? A pink-stock shotgun pointing at a pale smiley face? A second rate font? Yes, friends, itís just the beginning of a long, downhill ride.

An all too familiar story. Onward, Ashley, to fight evil!

Well ok then. Thereís our setup for the bastardization of a semi-classic Nintendo game. I hope Sam Raimi is too busy directing Cleopatra 2525 to see this shameful display.

Nothing says "magic" like a bottle o' Jack.

Behold the brand new beginning menu! Tiny chainsaws, human hearts, and crappy bottles! By the way, get used to the bloody font. Youíll be seeing quite a bit of it. Also, Iíd like to make a preemptive ďup yoursĒ to those of you about to criticize my lack of originality in coming up with a name for my in-game character. All my thought was spent in trying to come up with a million different ways to say that rom hackers deserve a curbing.

Enough with the preliminaries, letís take a look at the new Link/Ash:

The hideous simulacrum.

vs.

"It's a trick.  Get an axe."

Not a bad comparison, eh? Except that our Ash has apparently run out of shotgun shells, and, more importantly, has no impressive one-liners to speak of. And what is a hero without memorable lines and a dry, cool wit? Heís no Ash, I can tell you that much. That said, letís take a look at the new bestiary (with shots from the movie so you can make your own comparisons):

Commence ta jigglin'!

vs.

"Oh, you little bastards!"

Look, a mini-ash, like from the movie! How authentic! By the way, if youíre wondering why heís jiggling like that, itís because the author decided to replace the jiggling blue and red blobs with jiggling blue and red doppelgangers. Very inventive.

My poking will not disturb him.

vs.

Ooooooklahoma!

And hey, a good old fashion Deadite right where that boring old Moblin used to be. Interesting.

Who the hell are we?

vs.

?

All that other stuff was well and good, but what these things supposed to be? Something with a horse skull and only one boot, a small red trollÖ thingy, and a knight with a jawless skull.

Oh well. They arenít that bad, I suppose. At least he made an effort to change something. While weíre on the topic of new enemies, check out the new bosses:

He thinks you stole his boot. Run!

Oooh, scary. As if in tribute to the cheap special effects from the Evil Dead series, K. Voorhees presents this somewhat menacing evil goat monster. He could be more menacing, though, if only he had both of his boots on.

Now, I know I said we be checking out the new bosses, but unfortunately, the author ran out of steam after the first boss, so youíll all just have to sit back and enjoy the one. Or play the original and pretend none of this ever happened. Personally, Iíd go with the latter if I were you.

If you think thatís bad, just take a look at the outside world:

Ah, the majesty of nature. Robbie, no! Kill All Hu-Mans.

Enjoy the new saw-tooth mountains and guacamole forest. Scoff at the new salt-and-pepper town icon. Then, step off the path for a moment, and wonder why it is that youíre being accosted by a giant red-eyed robot. Itís just like from Evil Dead 2, when Ash squared off against Robot Ash. I forget how it turned out, but I believe the entire earth was destroyed.

Iíve saved the very best for last, though. A big part of Zelda II was going into towns and picking the brains of the nondescript townsfolk for information regarding anything from the location of a secret heart container to finding out who was too busy running back and forth across the screen to talk to you. Well, K. Voorhees certainly did a number on the towns in question.

In the winter, the town is all but invisible.

Beautiful. I canít believe the owner painted his house white after Labor Day. And believe it or not, that indistinguishable red mass in front of orange/black door is actually a person. Truly, the author is an innovator, AND a visionary. A vinnovasiontorary, if you will.

Things being as they are, I decided to pay the town elder a visit.

That is definitely evil. Behold the pirate, Bird-Beard!

Ugh. That is definitely not from the movies. And the poor elderÖ K. Voorhees, didnít anyone ever teach you to respect your elders. Turning them into flashing bird-headed freakazoids is no way to behave.

Why not? Too busy being a hideous mutant?

And then there was this. I really have no joke to go along with this picture; it just seemed so out of place to have a townsperson (or townsthing in this case) telling you something like that. Itís as though K. Voorhees had been pressured to include at least one instance of puerile rom hacking, possibly from a secret cabal of some of the worst offenders in the history of rom hacking.

Now normally, I would try and beat any rom hack I review so that I show you people just how thoroughly the original work has been sullied, but thanks to K. Voorheesí ham-fisted hackery, I ran into some difficulty after a little while.

Damn you, Picasso!

But Iím a trooper. Despite not being able to see exactly where Iím going, or what it is that Iím fighting, I pressed on. I even made it to another palace before I was finally forced to quit.

Good lord. Augh, my eyes!

Yeesh.

That wraps it up for one manís half-assed attempt at bringing you the world of Evil Dead on your PC. I hope someone hacks up K. Voorhees with a chainsaw and buries him next to an old mill. Iíll leave you with a screenshot from my own Evil Dead hack of Zelda II. Enjoy.

Good graphics, no?

I'll swallow your soul!
Dr. Boogie


You too can play Evil Dead!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EVIL DEAD ROM FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]


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