-a rom hack of "Tennis" for the NES-
review by: -RoG-

I have to admit, I have been humbled today. I once thought I knew everything there is to know about lesbians. I was just like everybody else, totally confident that I was "in the know" when it came to lesbians. I always thought all lesbians were blondes filled with silicone that craved nothing but other blondes filled with silicone who demanded that their deviant sexual acts be filmed for other lesbians to watch. Made perfect sense to me. But I was wrong. It turns out, LESBIANS PLAY TENNIS TOO!

"It's true! I admit it! It's all true! We play tennis!"

WTF Ellen? I watched your damned stand-up routine and you mentioned NOTHING about this. I mean, we all know that Martina Navratilova was a lesbian who played tennis, but we didn't know that there was a sport called "LESBIAN TENNIS"! How are all of us non-lesbians supposed to see things from your point of view when you won't tell us the truth up-front? Ok, ok... I understand. You lesbians didn't want to "come out of the closet" about the taboo subject of Lesbian Tennis. In a world where people judge you for so many things, I guess I can understand why you would be hesitant to share your lesbian sports activity knowledge with us. But you have to FIGHT! Don't let the judgmental assholes hold you down! Fight for your rights to play Lesbian Tennis freely! This sounds like a wonderful sport that deserves more exposure. So let's take a look at the NES Rom Hack entitled, yep... LESBIAN TENNIS!

Uh, where is the "Lesbian" in the title? Is this how some of you lesbians hid the game from us? By not putting the word "Lesbian" in the title? Come now, show-off your lesbianism proudly ladies! The title screen should be bursting with lesbian goodness in all shapes and forms. And whatever lesbian hacked this NES rom didn't even sign her name to it. Such a shame, now we don't know who to give the credit to for this brilliant work of art. Oh well, onto the game itself. I'll start out with a singles match first, because I don't think I'm lesbian enough for a doubles match yet... YET.

Holy shit! I was NOT expecting this from you lesbians! You're not shy at all!

SOME OF YOU PLAY TENNIS COMPLETELY NAKED!

Wow, I really don't know many sports players, lesbian or not, that would play completely naked. That really takes some balls (no pun intended). And whoah, this lesbian isn't blond either! So not all lesbians are silicone-stuffed blonde-bimbo sex freaks? Jesus, I was so ignorant! One question though: I'm not too sure why this lesbian has nipples that are the exact same color as her pubic hairs, so maybe somebody can clear that up for me. Maybe lesbians have hairy nipples? I don't know. I wish I was a lesbian so I could figure out these things easier. :(

Another question is why is only one of the lesbians naked? I'm not familiar with the rules of Lesbian Tennis. Is the nudity optional? Maybe it's like in high school gym class where they would make one team take off their shirts so they could distinguish who was on what team. But that wouldn't really make sense here since there are only 2 players. Maybe the "going naked" is a distraction tactic. I mean, if you were playing against someone who was completely nude, you couldn't help but be distracted by all of their jigglyness. If it's not that, maybe this other lesbian is just too shy to go naked and/or hasn't come out of the closet yet. We may never know.

Something else I noticed was that Lesbian Tennis DOES apparently have some TV support. In the top left corner of the court, you can see the sign that says "LesbianTV 69". Leave it up to those crazy lesbians to choose a number like "69" for their TV station. Ha ha! Those crazy lesbians! Ok, so I just turned my TV to channel 69 and all I got was static. Ok, this is something I WILL NOT tolerate. I pay how much for cable every month, and you mean to tell me I don't get LesbianTV channel 69!? I DON'T THINK SO! I'm going to call my local cable provider and demand I get LesbianTV channel 69 immediately.

Ok, the next interesting thing about Lesbian Tennis has gotta be the ref in the high chair. Normally, in the sport of tennis, the ref just gets to say boring things like "40 love". But not in Lesbian Tennis!

That's right. Practically every other word that comes out of the ref's mouth is "Bitch"! If you hit the ball inside the court and score, it's IN BITCH! If your ball goes out of bounds, it's OUT U BITCH! If you hit the net when you try to serve the ball, it's FUCKING BITCH! Tennis was NEVER this interesting before.

If you hit the net twice in a row during your serve attempts, the ref really lets you have it for screwing up. As if the loss of points wasn't bad enough you get to have "DOUBLE FUCKING BITCH!" shouted at you. Man, this is some HARDCORE LESBIAN TENNIS we've got going here!

Ok, now I'm completely baffled. Sometimes when miss a hit, the ref will shout "bi1EBitch" at you. I don't know if this is because the ref is so flustered (or turned on?) that he/she can't speak properly or not. Maybe it's some sort of "secret lesbian society" code that only they can decipher with their secret lesbian decoder rings? I... just... don't... know.

Ok, I have to admit, this is the part in the game where I was let down. After I got used to being called a bitch constantly, I developed a NEED to be called "bitch". So when the score was tied at 40 and the ref simply shouted "Deuce", I felt like there was a huge void in my life. I sat there waiting for the ref to go, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot... BITCH!". But the "bitch" never came! Why couldn't the ref call me a bitch? Or call me and my opponent "bitches"? There are so many wonderful bitch combinations that the ref could have used when shouting "Deuce". For example: "DEUCE BITCH!" or "BITCH DEUCE!" or "DEUCE BITCH DEUCE!" "BITCHARIFIC DEUCE DYKE BITCHY BITCHY POO CRAPS!". Anything would have been better! Come on ref! You gotta give us better than that! We CRAVE the "BITCH!". We NEED the "BITCH!". Don't let us down! You must give it to us now!

Bah. I guess the ref's not gonna comply. Well anyway, I won the match by defeating my clothed lesbian opponent. No lesbian trophy? No "You're the best lesbian tennis player on earth!"? No "hot lesbian sex"? Nope, all I got was "GAME SET. YOU WON!". Cheap, very cheap. Hmm, I think I'm now well-versed enough in the ways of Lesbian Tennis to take a shot at a doubles match. Whaddaya think?

Alright! Now I've got another naked lesbian on my team. Now with two naked lesbians on one team, do you really think they're going to waste their time playing tennis? No. Well, actually that's not all true. They did make some good use of the tennis racquets I suppose. See for yourself.

I tell ya, we owe a lot to lesbians. They really took tennis to a new level.
And to anybody that says lesbians shouldn't be allowed to play tennis, I've got a message for you:

I don't want to live in a country where lesbians can't play tennis!

-RoG-

You too can play Lesbian Tennis!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE LESBIAN TENNIS ROM FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
 

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