It's been a while since I've brought you all a quality rom hack review.
Some would say that I've never presented a quality rom hack review, and to
those people, I say "eat me." For the rest of you, I've chosen a very
special rom hack with which to make my triumphant return to the world of
drugs and genitalia. No doubt many of you are familiar with the Capcom
game, Little Nemo The Dream Master, which followed a young man as he
journeyed through the land of dreams, feeding candy to dinosaurs and
eventually swatting tiny penguins with a giant wand. Well my friends, this
is the story of one man's shameless debasement of the classic, which he
has labeled Little Remo The Child Abuser.
I've got to give
Jomb some credit. He did a decent job readjusting the
title to fit his disturbing needs. The average rom hacker would have been
content to simply replace the original title graphic with some ugly
generic text, as was the case with Schoolvania, but this guy did 110% and
gave us a new title graphic. Of course, it was still part of his overall
garbage, so that 110% is really 110% of crap. Which I guess would be ten
pounds of crap in a five pound bag. I mix metaphors, but I'm sure I know
what I'm talking about.
What's most striking about all this, though, isn't the visual elements.
Right away, what you'll notice is that Jomb has found a way to offend your
sensibilities in a way that no other rom hacker has ever done before: he's
corrupted the original music. I have no idea how he managed to do this, as
I assumed that all you could change was the visuals in the rom, but lo and
behold, he found a way.
For reference, and because I'd like to give you, the humble reader, every
opportunity to suffer along with me, here's the game's original theme
And here's the Little Remo remix:
Sounds great, doesn't it? Luckily, you can always turn your speakers down
to shield yourself from the awful noise. The awful sights, on the other
hand, are all but unavoidable.
Jomb learns the hard way what any experienced rom hacker knows, namely
that it is hard to express nudity when you only have 8 bits to work with.
Anyway, as you can see, Little Remo has been invited to be the princess's
rapist, which technically doesn't make him a rapist at all. Still, that's
just a minor detail. The point is that he's off to Kiddieland to scare up
some booty, in the non-buried treasure sense.
I'm sure you can imagine what he says next. That pretty much sets the tone
for the rest of the game. On the left is our "hero" Remo, nude and with
what appears to be a large, cylindrical hump on his back. A side effect of
all that child abuse? Who knows.
What the clown doesn't tell you is that on each level, you'll need a
number of keys to unlock a door at the end. Only this time around, the
keys are dildos, and the locks are tessellations done by Georgia O'Keefe.
Now, regarding keys and locks, a lock needs a key of a specific size and
shape to be unlocked, and in this case the "keys" don't appear to have
girth needed to operate the "locks." In fact, one might suggest that
you would need multiple keys for each of these locks, but that's the sort
of activity better left to a separate rom hack.
As in the original game, Remo will have to make use of the local color to
overcome the many obstacles in his path. Going off of the hack's title,
the useable creatures have been replaced with odd little children.
A small green-haired child with snappy matching shorts. Just pop three
candies into his mouth, and he'll be ready to service you in your quest to
become someone's willing rapist. He's pretty muscular for a kid his size.
Granted, Remo shrank prior to attaching himself to the boy, but still, the
fact that he's able to walk around and jump well over five times his own
height while being ridden by a naked lad is remarkable. Especially since
he's somehow able to see with Remo
occupying his face like that.
Though only found in the first area, the second
fellater is no less
important than the first. Remo grabs those pigtails and drives his point
home with such force that even the ground itself is moved in the process.
No jumping, though. The poor girl just can't get any leverage in that
What can I say? It just wouldn't be a rom hack without at least one giant
penis. This one you can ride, and not in the way you're thinking; you feed
it some candy and then hop on it like rodeo rider. Not only can this
incredibly well-drawn member jump using only its accompanying testicles as
propulsion and change colors at will; it can climb walls as well. I'm sure
there's a joke in there about how the giant penis is able to stick to
walls, but let's keep it classy, shall we?
I've seen this next character on a few novelty greeting cards at Spencer
Gifts. Despite the notable absence of legs, she is quite able to move
about and jump around. She can even climb up sheer walls, too, perhaps by
oozing her generous folds into the myriad crevices in the walls like some
sort of flabby grappling hook and hauling herself upwards with her meaty
paws. And if the creatures of Kiddieland get too friendly, she can break
their necks with a single swing of her flabby breasteses. I think I saw
that trick once on an episode of "Real Sex," but that was a while back, and
I'm sure the persons involved have moved on by now.
Just as the boy in the green shorts wowed audiences with his ability to
move about freely whilst fellating Remo, the blonde girl steps it up a
notch by not only moving this way and that; she can fly for a brief period
of time and fire off some sort of wavy projectile, all while engaged in
the 69 position with Remo. Given all the movement associated with flight,
you'd think that Remo would be a little more cautious about what he
inserts himself into. Why, all it would take is a sudden blow to the
girl's head, and Remo would be shouting, "Argh, bris!"
The hermit crab from the original game has been swapped out in exchange
for a green-haired girl with no arms. It's interesting to see that, to dig
into the sandy deposits in the level, Remo must raise his hand as if to
make a pledge, and flip upside-down. Now, I know that the idea in this
hack is to make everything sexual, but all I could think of upon seeing
the girl with the green hair was the little girl from The Ring.
See what I mean?
In the same area as the creepy green-haired girl is an extremely pale girl
out for a swim. They say you should wait at least a half hour after eating
before you go swimming, but that doesn't stop Remo from hurling giant
pieces of candy into her mouth until she falls asleep. After that, he hops
on her and urges her forward with a stern tug on her ponytail. Nothing
very sexual about that. Then again, this particular helper doesn't really do
anything except swim around, possibly due to the candy-induced cramping.
I was a little confused when I saw this combination: A naked guy squatting
on the head of a boy wearing a blue beret. Like a Robert Maplethorpe class
photo, or something. Luckily, Jomb brings it home with another staple of
rom hacks: the Nazi reference. To attack, the boy raises his arm in a seig
heil-type fashion and unleashes a beige spray from his fingertip. Sure,
one might conjecture that the mysterious spray is meant to be semen, but I
prefer to think that it's heroin or some other illicit drug. That way, you
get the trifecta of rom hackery: sex, drugs, and National Socialism.
Jomb has also gone to the effort of changing all the bad guys in the game.
Level 1 Peniscap Forest
As was the case with the allegedly friendly creatures, the less friendly
creatures have been changed with ribaldry in mind. For instance, the snail
has been given a new purple shell which, at first glance, appears to be a
layer of purple slime a la Ghostbusters II. However, upon closer
inspection, one can see that the short wavy lines are actually errant
spermatozoa. Tre chic! And look, instead of a giant bumblebee, Jomb has
inserted a nude Billy Gibbons. Finally, there's a naked midget. Not since
my review of Cum Fu have I encountered the naked midget, and oft
overlooked avenue of titillation in a rom hack.
Furthermore, Jomb went so far as to change the level itself to add...
well, not originality, but something like that, in the context of a rom
For me, it was a throwback to the unforgettable Gauntlet hack,
Therein, we saw how some rom hackers will take the original backgrounds
and not necessarily change them, but instead dumb them down for no better
reason than to enhance their crummy works. In this case, erase those white
spots, draw in a tiny urethra, and add a little turkey neck at the bottom,
and viola: crapola. Luckily, Jomb's interest in changing the levels
sputtered out after only the first level. After that, he was content to
stick with just changing the names of all the levels.
Level 2 Hairy Pussy
These next ones were a bit more troubling than the last. To begin with,
you have an older naked fellow who springs out of the ground and lurches
towards you. Beyond him, you'll find the flying nude woman: nothing
particularly noteworthy about that, apart from the coffee can on her back,
but she attacks by ripping off her own teet in a shower of blood and
dropping it on you. Even worse than the airborne self-mutilator is this
next character: At first, I just dismissed it as merely a hung man (pun
intended), but this was no ordinary dead schmuck; it's Ernie from Sesame
Street! But why kill him, I wondered? The answer would come much later on
Level 3 House of Toys
Despite the name, all this level only gives you is one crummy prosthetic.
Or maybe it's a cigar tube, or some lipstick, I can't really tell. The NES
is not a good medium for small, detailed things, especially when in the
hands of one as nefarious as a rom hacker.
Level 4 Skinny Dip
The underwater level holds a wide variety of inappropriate enemies.
There's a boob... Meh, forget about the boob. Instead, take a look at the
midget wearing the dunce cap and 3D glasses. Now there's something you
don't see every day. There's quite a propensity for the nudes in this hack
to be bearded. Not all of them, but many do sport unkempt beards. Perhaps
Jomb is aiming to be a trendsetter in the world of rom hacking; to get
ratty beards the same prestige as the swastika, or the male member. Well,
good luck with all that. In contrast to the bearded ones is the bald man
in the Fred Flintstone vest, and the mysterious creature on the far right.
I'm assuming it's something sexual, but it looks like a person
precariously riding a whale with gingivitis. I guess Jomb wanted us to use
our imaginations for that one.
Level 5 Remo's House
The fifth level is mostly full of repeats, but you'll also be seeing a
flying pair of scissors, and most notably, a man in drag. I can't quite
make out what he's doing, but he appears to be waving a spine around in
one hand, and holding his other hand on his hip in a gesture of
frustration, perhaps. As he sways back and forth drunkenly, he takes a few
shots at Remo by hurling what appear to be tiny exclamation points.
Perhaps those are meant to symbolize the angry swearing of a drunken
transvestite. Ah, the wonders of life. And last but not least, there's the
airborne dump-taker and his mobile droppings. They move all by themselves
and without any sort of incline to boot. I mean, they say that shit rolls
downhill, but not in the world of Little Remo.
Level 6 Night Voyeur
More repetition in Level 6, but the one new creature you'll meet is the
blowup doll. It patiently lies in wait on the ceiling until Remo gets
close. Then, it strikes, floating down from the ceiling and launching
headfirst at our intrepid hero. Now, I've heard that some blowup dolls
have hard plastic heads, but that was always in reference to... you know
what, never mind what I've heard about blowup dolls.
Level 7 Sticky Feet
This level is appropriately named Sticky Feet because you're constantly
menaced by giant sperm from the sky. Though I hesitate to mention it, I'm
sure you're all way ahead of me on this one: the angels up in heaven have
found some spare time to polish the pearly gates, if you know what I mean.
The giant sperm, though devoid of any other feature, have furrowed brows.
I suppose I'd be angry too if I had to fall hundreds of miles down to the
earth like airplane toilet waste. Surely it is that same anger that makes
the sperm want to land in the hair of a nude boy with a giant zit on his
Level 8 is the last one in the game, albeit broken into three sections so
that it's more like there are ten levels in the game, but let's not get
hung up on technicalities. Point is, you get a brief introduction:
The princess tells a meandering tale of sodomy, molestation, and most
importantly, bondage. It seems her father, the king, was molested by the
king of Bondage Land. Originally, it was the Nightmare King of Nightmare
Land, and seeing Jomb's take on the new ruler was quite a treat:
Ah, MS Paint at its finest. But there's more where that came from; to slay
the mighty Bondage King, you must make use of what else but the Magic
Fantastic. With that, Remo is off to tackle the sweaty legions of S&M
using only his wits and an enchanted personal massager. Before he can take
on the Bondage King, however, he'll need to overcome his two guardians.
Okay, this one isn't any different from the original king of the penguins,
but I'm sure Jomb had a good reason for overlooking him. I mean, the giant
penguin releases smaller penguins from beneath a roll of fat on his feet.
That must be the reason he remained in the hack: asexual reproduction.
Certainly an impressive feat, but not really up to snuff with what we've
all come to expect from rom hacking.
This guy, on the other hand
that's more along the line of what I'd expect
from a guy like Jomb: a giant flying penis. What's more, this one spews
fireballs at Remo. It would seem that the looming specter of a urinary
tract infection is one of Remo's arch nemeses.
But all this is just a lead-in to the final showdown with the big man: the
And an epic battle ensues. Remo, with his trusty dildo, and the Bondage
King, with finger laser and deadly bubbles. He also seems to have a row of
gills on his chest, which explains why his mouth is constantly opening and
shutting like that of a fish out of water.
After a few dozen blasts from your mystic rod, the king explodes, and then
there's another cutscene with more talk of molestation, deflowering, and
fellating one's father. And so, Little Remo must return to the waking
world, with the promise that he can come back any time to rape whomever he
chooses. For now, though, it's time to get up and enjoy life.
It's touching, really.
The hacking doesn't end there, though. Jomb has replaced the credits with
personal messages, explaining that he made this hack in response to the
Ernie and the Muppets Take It All Off! So that explains the hereto
forth unexplained hung Ernie back in Level 2. It is good to know just
who's to blame for any particular rom hack, but there's an additional, and
highly controversial, bit of text that Jomb has included:
Your eyes do not deceive you. Jomb decided to put into his hack something
far worse than any bastardization of a Nintendo classic: a slam on Wilford
Brimley. I'm sure that the anger felt by those rom hackers responsible for
such Brimley modifications as
Wilford Brimley Battle and
Wilford Island is
matched only by the righteous fury of the Man himself.
In summation, this hack has broken new ground in the world of rom hacking.
Countless rom hacks are offensive to the eyes, but Little Remo - The Child
Abuser is the first rom hack to be offensive to both the eyes and ears. It
takes a special someone to show such contempt for the source material as
to profane the aesthetic AND the audio, and Jomb has shown that he is just
the boob for the job. Here's hoping he has a chance to see his vile
creation lampooned before Wilford Brimley finds him and crams him full of
*** You too can play Little Remo! ***
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE LITTLE REMO ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
(Also included with the rom is a special message from Jomb. Enjoy this
opportunity to peer into the greasy mind of a rom hacker before Capcom sues him
into the stone age.)
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