-a rom hack of "The Lone
Ranger" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie
Note: Dr. Boogie is currently on out on
disability.
In his place, this rom hack has been reviewed by Toby Keith.
Howdy,
folks. I'm fillin' in for that there Dr. Boogie while he undergoes surgery
to repair an eye-gouging injury that he inflicted on himself after samplin'
the prototype for the new Super KKK Brothers. Now this here "rom hacking"
business ain't exactly my cup o' Pabst, but I owe Dr. Boogie a favor. Why,
without him, I'da never finished work on my soph-o-more album. It's a
funny story, actually, and I'll have to tell ya'll sometime. First things
first, we got us a rom hack to dismantle.
Like I said, this whole "hacking" business don't mean a thing to me, but
luckily, ol' Boogie had a fresh hack already picked out before he went an'
tried to scoop out his eyes with one a' those melon ballers. He gave me a
note when I went to visit him at the hospital with directions so simple
that even one of my fans could follow 'em, and gettin' to the hack was
just as simple as wipin' the blood offa his keyboard. Afterwards, I got to
playin' The Lone Rapist.
Neither the Doc or me was alive to hear the ol' Lone Ranger bit on the
radio, but apparently, some o' those wily Japs still remember it. Boogs
said it went along with those Konami boys doin' a game on Mission:
Impossible. It's hard for me to wrap my dumb cracker mind around why a
Japanese company would want to license a bunch of old American shows, but
they don't pay me to think. Still, it's a fun time shootin' at both
cowpokes and injuns alike, which I'd say is both rootin' AND tootin'. The
Lone Rapist, on the other hand, is somethin' entirely different...
It's a
product of that no-good hossthief, Jomb. You might remember him from his
work on Little Remo, a regular tour-de-force a' kiddie porn and flashy
Johnsons. Not much has changed for the Lone Rapist, 'cept that Jomb has
stuck with mostly changin' the text to sound more like what you'd expect
from a fella like him. Take a looksie at the hack's new plot:
"The Lone Rapist has a thing for big muffs, the denser the better. When he
heard the president was named Bush he thought, "Damn, she must be the
pubic queen of my dreams!" Being on the run for many sex crimes, he never
gets to watch TV or read the news. He decided to rape the president and go
down in history as the most notorious rapist who ever buggered a public
figure without using any lube!!!!!!"
Like I said, I never heard no Lone Ranger broadcasts in my life, but I
think someone woulda said somethin' if'n he went about doin' that
Brokeback Mountain stuff. T'ain't right.
That ol' boy also held over his love a' profanin' good music like he did
back with that Little Remo - The Child Abuser. If'n your ears can take it,
listen to this here comparison:
Music aside,
Jomb didn't change too many of the guys 'n gals in the game, but he did do
some work on the hero. Take a look at this "Lone Rapist":
I can't be
sure about it, but I think Jomb replaced the Ranger's powder blue suit,
and slightly gay-lookin' scarf, with what I think is a beige jumpsuit with
matching motorcycle helmet. That's one way to hide your identity I guess,
but I would think people'd be wonderin' why he ain't got no motorcycle.
Dr. Boogie told me I should stop overthinkin' stuff like this. He ain't
the only one with a new look. Jomb took the liberty of fixin' up the Lone
Rapist's faithful assistant, Fucko:
'Guess poor Fucko caught himself a case a' TB, cuz he's got some beady eyes and some
hollow cheeks. 'Course, maybe that's just how Injuns looked back then.
Whatever it is, Fucko will be givin' you your objectives at the start of
each level. For starters, in the first level, you gotta get yourself a
horse, but the only horse around is on the other side of the river, and
accordin' to the townsfolk, the bridgekeeper is "a pervert who likes to
sodomize barnyard animals." Well shoot, I thought, back home we just
called that a Friday night. Anyway, the sheriff stole some pictures of him havin' his way with some choice livestock and he won't let you cross until
you help him get 'em back. Problem is, the Sheriff won't give 'em back
until you help him get back his stolen "goat sex book." And it goes on
jus' like that for eight stages. Lemme break it down for ya'll:
Stage 2: The
FBI is after the Lone Rapist on account of... well, the rapin'. While on the
run, he hears word that some no-good outlaws have stolen the date rape
drug-making supplies from the village of Clear water, and the village folk
agree to form a militia and help the Lone Rapist dodge the FBI if'n he
agrees to get'em back their stuff.
Stage 3: The
Lone Rapist helps bring a trio of sperm thieves, posing as homosexuals, to
justice, and then he stops a train robbery (so he can rape the
passengers). All in all, a good level for the Rapist.
Stage 4: The
Lone Rapist is framed by a second, even more evil Rapist imposter. Lucky
for him, Fucko busts him outta jail, an' he takes off after the fake
Rapist.
Stage 5:
After killin' a number a' lawmen while chasin' after the fake Rapist, the
Lone Rapist is on the run. Things get even worse when he runs into the "pube-scalping
Indians."
Stage 6: The
Lone Rapist goes after his first victim: his goat-lovin' sister, Clara.
Trouble is, she's workin' at a "goat brothel" for a whole buncha ninjas.
Well I'll
say this for that ol'd boy, Jomb: he sure stuck it to those Japs.
Stage 7: The
Lone Rapist takes on the Texas Rangers (the militia, not the baseball
team). That hollow-cheeked oddball, Fucko, even knocks off a few, though
he uses his Injun poison and not his six-guns. 'Course, his "poison"
probably coulda been somethin' dirty, too. Somethin' like a heroin and
crotch sweat cocktail. Heck, I could make a hack of my own, easy.
Stage 8: The
Lone Rapist goes after the Secret Service, and finally gets to the
president. Then, he learns the terrible truth: Bush is a man! And what's
he do when he figures this out: he shoots off the presidential member,
cooks it, and forces Fucko to eat it for not tellin' him Bush was a he.
Now that's just uncalled for. You gotta support our president, otherwise
how's he gonna spread freedom everywhere? He's the Decider, people! You
can't be castratin' him with a silver bullet, even in video games.
This was a real surprise for me, since Jomb made it sound like he
supported our president:
See? I saw
that and thought, "hey, now this here hacker gets it. He's not fallin' for
that namby-pamby, '29% approval rating' liberal garbage." For shame, Jomb!
I was ok with you makin' the main character a sex offender, and I even let
it slide when I saw the second reference to... animal husbandry, but I can't
abide no unpatriotic, Michael Moore-lovin', east coast pinko like you! I
give this hack the lowest ranking I can think of:
1 Larry the Cable Guy
album out of 4.
Well here's
hopin' you folks got more outta that POS hack than I did. Shoot, I ain't
never lettin' Boogie rope me into nothin' like this again. I'd rather go
on a cattle drive with Garth Brooks than play another one a' these hacks.
Before I go, I wanted to mention a couple more things: First off, there
was a reference to some other slop Jomb came up with in this hack:
Plus, outta
nowhere, he says that the Lone Rapist sodomized that old man Wilford
Brimley with a baseball bat. That's just uncalled for. I mean, I liked
them Cocoon movies. Why's he gotta bring that oat-loving diabetic into
this mess? Aw, to hell with this whole thing!
