-a rom hack of "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out" for the NES-
review by: -RoG-

One of my favorite games ever was Mike Tyson's Punch-Out for the NES. Sure, it probably had more racial stereotypes in a single game than any other game on earth, but it was still a lot of fun to play. Even if you hate more sports games, you couldn't help but enjoy the countless hours of fun that Punch-Out provided. So when I came across a rom hack called "Nude Punch-Out", you can imagine the look of horror that swept over my face. I mean, what sick bastard was sitting at home one day and thought to himself, "You know, Punch-Out is a good game... but if it had more penises then it'd be a GREAT game!".

Well, the sick bastard is apparently a rom hacker that goes by the name "ExDeath". So if you're reading this, ExDeath, seek help. Seek lots, and lots, and lots of help. So, title screen hasn't been changed that much... no penises so far, so that's good. But the horror is right around the corner folks. Now, before we begin the in-depth analysis of Nude-Punchout, I have to warn you people. What you're about to see may very well ruin the game of Punch-Out for you FOREVER. After you see what I'm about to show you, you'll never be able to look at the game in the same way, whether you're playing this rom hack or not. Sounds fun right? Ok, brace yourselves. Let's begin our game, starting with good ol' Glass Joe...

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Noooooooo! You can't be serious. I have to fight THIS? Glass Joe was the easiest person to kill in the game, but he might have the upper hand here. Little Mac's legs are already feeling weak I'm sure. At least Little Mac, your character, isn't naked. Still, Glass Joe looks like he's pretty turned on there... his penis is sticking straight out and it's ready for battle! God, this is worse than any other nightmare I've ever had. Well, if I've gotta fight Glass Joe and his evil erect penis, so be it.

When I tried to punch him in the groin, he was naturally very quick to block it. I mean, if you were fighting completely naked, I'm sure that's the one area you'd be DAMNED SURE to protect. Notice the nice job this rom hacker did though? Glass Joe's original boxing trunks partially reappear when you punch him down there. Brilliant work there, ExDeath. Brilliant.

There! He's out for the count! Hey wait a minute, what the HELL is wrong with his ass!? It's like it's not there. It's just a mass of flesh with no crack in sight. Not that I want to see the crack or the ass, or any nudity in this game for that matter. But still, an assless naked freak is too much for me to handle. And the sad thing is, this assless trend goes on throughout the game. Apparently ExDeath is able to draw 8-bit penises without any hesitation, but when it comes to drawing asses, he can't quite cut it. Makes sense to me. Ok onto our next opponent, Von Kaiser.

Von Kaiser. Naked. Great. Well, his penis doesn't look quite as erect as Glass Joe's, but maybe he needs a few punches in the ol' willy to get turned on. Maybe naked fisticuffs is his thing, right? Well, I suppose anything is this already-insane game is worth a try...

Oh my god, it's true! Look at him! Von Kaiser loves it when Little Mac reaches for his penis! Sick!

And yes, once again, ExDeath excels in the art of pixel editing by completely forgetting to remove Von Kaiser's pants when he throws a punch. Not that I'm complaining about not getting to see every angle of his German nakedness or anything. Just stating the facts. Alright, now it's time to fight Piston Honda.

Looks like Piston Honda's piston isn't too happy. He must not be gettin' any lately. Well, maybe if ExDeath had removed that last little big of his boxing trunks from his leg, Piston might feel better. Looks like he has some public hair stubble there too, should've done a better shaving job there bub. All that aside, nothing, and I mean NOTHING could prepare me for the next shock.

HE HAS ONLY ONE BALL! I knocked his ass on the ground and as his penis became erect I noticed that our pal Piston Honda only has ONE FRIGGIN' BALL! NOT TWO BALLS. ONE HUGE BALL! Ok, that does it. Nude Punch-Out is now officially a freak show. But it still gets worse! We have to fight the infamous Don Flamenco!

Of all the twisted things I've seen during my life, perhaps none have been more disturbing than witnessing Don Flamenco's infamous "Flamenco Dance" performed completely naked. You can't tear your eyes away from the penis as he dances up a storm. It moves in. It moves out. It... it... eugh. Kill me.

As you can see, the Flamenco Dance really distracted me and it ended up making my bout with Don Flamenco go into extra rounds. He poked Little Mac in the eye with his penis for crissakes! I guess that's what really sucks about being Little Mac in this game. Since he's the shortest fighter of them all, he has to fight at eye-level with the penises of all his opponents. So we've all learned an important lesson here today: Do not enter the sport of nude boxing if you are a midget.

Don't worry though, I hit Don Flamenco where it counts for all his naked antagonism.

Christ, now we have to fight a naked King Hippo. It's almost as if he's proud to be completely naked as he shouts at you. You may recall that you had to punch his belly in the game and he would be defenseless cuz he kept pulling up his pants. Well in Nude Punch-Out, he's already naked. However, that doesn't stop his pants from magically reappearing every time you punch him.

Fortunately, ExDeath spared us from what would undoubtedly be an extremely traumatizing crotch-shot of King Hippo. Once knocked down, he left Hippo's shorts on, and for that I am thankful. But for my next opponent, Bald Bull, I am not thankful. Not one little bit.

Now Bald Bull was always the most disturbing looking fighter in the game in my opinion. His face just didn't look right. He literally looked crazy. But now perhaps I know why. Look at his crotch (ignoring how ExDeath didn't completely remove this guy's shorts once again)...He's a SHE-MALE!

A SHE-MALE!!!

It's true folks, Bald Bull has no winky. No schlong. No salami. No mr. peepers. Just a big mangina, and it's ready to make Little Mac beg for mercy. Believe me, I made sure that I beat this guy as fast as humanly possible, because I just couldn't take anymore of this freakishness. Still have your lunch inside you? Don't worry, there's plenty more hideousness to see...

Of course, knocking Bald Bull down each time resulted in my having to see a huge mass of horrifying blubbery asslessness. And that alone was just about enough to make me stop playing video games forever. Yet, somehow, I was able to reach down deep inside and push forward onto my next opponents.

After fighting some other characters I had fought earlier on again in some naked rematches, the Great Tiger was next. Why his lower half is glowing blue is beyond me. Maybe it's supposed to put your mind into a spell, after all, he is an Indian hypnotist. "You're getting sleeeeepy, Little Mac. Look deeeeeeep into my penis!" I bet he wants to hypnotize poor Little Mac and make him do all sorts of twisted sex acts with him. Well, I avoided his naked "tiger punch" and penile hypnotism and pressed forth.

FINALLY. Somebody has a little respect for themselves. Apparently Soda Popinski refused to do a nude scene for ExDeath. And that's a good thing too, because Popinski's drunken insults were always a favorite of mine (ex: "I'm going to make you Punch Drunk!"). And he was the first to unveil the shocking truth about how Little Mac and Doc had something sick going on behind the scenes. You can read all about that in my interview with Soda Popinski. So hats off to you Popinski, at least one Punch-Out fighter won't be forever engraved in my mind as a naked madman with gloves. Now onto Mr. Sandman.

Damnit! Why didn't I see this coming. I knew he had the same body as Bald Bull, so why would it be any surprise that Mr. Sandman would have a mangina too!? It shouldn't be surprising at all by this point in the game. Then again, after having fought so many naked boxers already, I think my mind has suffered quite a bit, so it's safe to assume that I'm a bit out of my realm right now. Let's just keep going...

I would say that Super Macho Man has respect for himself, since he doesn't appear naked. But the fact that he has hyper man-boobs, which shake so fast they could power a locomotive, is already way more than we ever needed to know about this guy. So knowing what horrors lurk underneath his blue speedo is something I'll leave up to your twisted imagination. I'm just trying to get those madly vibrating giant man-boobs out of my mind. And perhaps my next and final opponent can help me do that.

It's time to fight the big guy. The king of the ring. Mike Tyson. He actually has the same body as Piston Honda, and the same little bit of his boxing trunks still appearing on his leg. Say, maybe that explains why Piston Honda only has one ball! Maybe Mike Tyson bit it off! Sure, he's bit Evander's ear off in the past. But what's to stop him from trying other various body parts on the menu? AH HA! THE TRUTH FINALLY COMES OUT! MIKE TYSON IS A NUTSACK-EATING, NUDE-BOXING PSYCHOPATH.

In the end, Tyson kicked my puny clothed-ass from here to kingdom come. And you know what? I don't care. I'm not going to fight him in a rematch. I don't want to know what Little Mac's prize for becoming the champion of Nude Punch-Out would be. For all I know, it's a mind-shattering orgy with all of the fighters from Nude Punch-Out. Hell, maybe even Mario the ref gets in on the action. So wink away at me Mike. Wink all you want. I'm not getting back in that ring with your naked ass or anybody else for that matter. And Little Mac, if you're listening. Run... RUN... RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!

-RoG-

You too can play Nude Punch-Out!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NUDE PUNCH-OUT ROM FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
 

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