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Not many games have ever made me step back and wonder, "Hey? Was the my
food drugged?", after playing them for the first time. Ok, no game has
ever made me do that... until now. Pink Floyd: The Wall is a hack of the
classic game, Donkey Kong. You know, the one where you play as Mario and
jump over a bunch of barrels that an angry ape is throwing at you. We've
all played it before. We all loved it. Well, throw the innocent fun of
that game right out the door, because this hack completely destroys
anything pure (and sane) about the original Donkey Kong.
The second I
started the game I knew I was in for some trouble. The title screen damn
near blinds you with all of the whiteness. Yes indeed, this is a true work
of art. Hey, it's a wall! Oh I get it, like Pink Floyd's "The Wall"! How
creative! Notice at the bottom it says "Hack 1999: Grimlick". I'm amazed
that someone actually wanted to sign their name to this atrocity. So you
pick the game you want to play, although I doubt you'll ever be able to
choose the 2-player option. Finding another person willing enough to give
this piece of shit a try might be kinda hard. So I suggest sticking with
the 1-player game.
Ok, we get
the picture. You didn't have to make the entire game look like a friggin'
wall, dipshit. So, "Grimlick" has apparently kept the level itself the
same, probably because he wasn't capable of making anything decent. Either
that, or he took one hit of acid too many and drowned in a pool of his own
vomit. I don't really care which. So the object is to get your guy to the
top, while dodging the obstacles that are thrown towards you, and save the
"damsel in distress". But there's a few MAJOR changes to this game that
make it quite different from the original Donkey Kong. And no, I'm not
just talking about how he made the entire thing look like a brick wall.
Meet "Pink
Floyd". I assume that's his name because whenever you die, it says "Pink
Died" it barely legible handwriting. His only weapon is an occasional
guitar that he happens to find. With it, he can smash his enemies, but it
only lasts but for so long. Notice the look on his face? The look
of shock and fear? Well, that look never leaves his face the entire game.
And rightfully so. Poor lil' Floyd has to go up against the worst enemy I
have ever seen in my entire life.
An Asshole.
No, I don't mean like a guy who acts like a jerk. I literally mean: AN
ASSHOLE. Yes indeed, a dancing asshole, complete with balls that hang down
and sway to each side while it dances. Not only does this crazy asshole
dance, but it shoots out hammers from its anal cavity. This is the part of
the game that made me question whether or not my food was drugged. So just
in case you're wondering the same, let me summarize this enemy again: A
HAMMER-SHOOTING, DANCING ASSHOLE.
Beginning to
understand why poor lil' Floyd has a constant look of horror on his face?
There's more...
The
hammer-shooting, dancing asshole is apparently controlled by an evil
wizard. I think he's evil because he's got one red-eye, and we know that
all Cyclops are evil, right? Besides, do you think anybody that was a
"good guy" would hire the help of a hammer-shooting, dancing asshole? I
want to know what the hell this wizard guy was thinking. Why couldn't he
just throw the hammers at lil' Floyd himself? Why did he have to shoot
ass-hammers at him? That's just sick.
As if having
ass-hammers shot at him constantly wasn't bad enough, poor little Floyd is
constantly being tormented by a horny wolf with an extremely
hyperactive penis. Well, I think it's a wolf with an extremely hyperactive
penis, though I can't be sure. But really, when you're playing a game
where there's an ass shooting hammers at you, is having a "horny wolf with
an extremely hyperactive penis" that much of a stretch? Didn't think so.
The wolf actually came from the asshole. The first hammer it shoots out
goes straight down and lands in the yelling/crying/yawning/whatever face
that is there in place of the original Donkey Kong oil drum. From there
the horny wolf with an extremely hyperactive penis is born. This face is
the only thing (aside from the brick wall crap) that I recognize from any
of Pink Floyd's material.
 --->
Close
enough, I guess...
I'll admit,
I don't know hardly anything about Pink Floyd. Their music never really
interested me one bit. But if this game is in any way representative of
what Pink Floyd is all about, I think it's safe to say I made the right
choice about not listening to them. Even if Pink Floyd is nothing like
this game, one of their fans made this game as a tribute to them. And that
fact is still enough to keep me the hell away from any of their music.
(Note:
A friend just informed me that most of this stuff does in fact come from
Pink Floyd. So there you have it, I have indeed made the right choice
about staying the hell away from their music! ha ha!)
And here we
have the "damsel in distress". I dunno about you, but she looks pretty
malnourished to me. Actually, she might be a sock puppet or a blow-up
doll. I really can't tell. All I know is that she's nude (and why
shouldn't she be? She's being held captive by a hammer-shooting, dancing
asshole) and has giant legs that look like stilts. Why lil' Floyd even
gives a damn about saving her is beyond me. Any girl that's stupid enough
to be captured by a hammer-shooting, dancing asshole probably isn't worth
saving in the first place. Oh well, onto level 2.
Again, he
didn't change much about level 2 from the original Donkey Kong except for
making it look like a brick wall. Man, this Grimlick's creative juices
know no bounds! Ok, a couple of things. First off, where the hell did the
evil Cyclops wizard that was controlling the dancing asshole go? Is he on
a coffee break? Did he have an appointment with his optometrist? Is he out harvesting some more dancing assholes in a plot
to conquer the earth? We may never know. The asshole is also no longer
shooting hammers at you, but it's still dancing. What can I say, the
asshole just loves to dance. The horny wolf is still there, although now
there's two of 'em. Maybe they can get together and hump each others
brains out and finally stop harassing poor lil' Floyd.
There are
two bonuses on the level that you can pick up for extra points. I'm not
sure if they're plants or snakes or dragons or... pfft, I just don't know.
If they're plants, I'm sure they have some kind of hallucinative
properties if inhaled or digested. Perhaps that would explain how this
game came about in the first place, but you'd have to ask whoever this "Grimlick"
guy is to be sure.
Aside from
the horny wolves, the only real threat on this level is the bouncing
knights. There seems to be an unlimited supply of them that come from the
top left side of the screen in an attempt to kill Floyd. All you have to
do is time it right though and you can get by them. It's a pretty easy
level to get by, just not an easy level to comprehend. But neither is the
entire game. So, onto level 3...
Once again,
not many changes here on this third and thankfully final level of the
game. The asshole is still dancing, and the wolves are still trying to
hump your brains out. So all you have to do is pick up the 8 plugs on the
level and the asshole will finally be defeated...
Upon
removing the final plug, the asshole falls to its disturbing demise as its
legs twitch back 'n forth into a "spread eagle" position. Tasteful and
Lovely. And to wrap things up, Floyd has a message for the damsel whom
he went through hell to save:
"YOU BITCH"
There you
have it. The manifestation of all of lil' Floyd's anger in one simple
phrase: "YOU BITCH". Too bad though, cuz as soon as he's done
calling her a bitch the game starts all over again. Apparently she got
caught by yet ANOTHER hammer-shooting, dancing asshole. Jeez!
One one
final note, when Floyd dies, he doesn't just fall over and lay dead. No,
that would make too much sense. He spins around and turns into a BLOODY
CROSS. Apparently getting attacked by a horny wolf or hit by an ass-hammer can
turn you into a bloody cross, so I suggest all of you stay away from both
of these things in real life. I can't believe Dateline hasn't covered this
health threat already.
Well that
about covers the "Pink Floyd: The Wall" rom hack. I only have one
suggestion for lil' Floyd...
GET THE
HELL OUT OF THAT INSANE GAME!
RUN FLOYD RUN!
-RoG-
note:
This rom hack actually does have a lot in common with Pink Floyd's "The
Wall", so in that regard... it's not all bad. Then again, that really doesn't
change how fucked up it is, now does it. A hammer-shooting, dancing
asshole will never be normal. If your asshole dances and shoots hammers,
please consult a physician immediately.
You too
can play Pink Floyd: The Wall!
[CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE "PINK FLOYD: THE WALL" ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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