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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Pink Floyd: The Wall!
-a rom hack of "Donkey Kong" for the NES-
review by: -RoG-


Not many games have ever made me step back and wonder, "Hey? Was the my food drugged?", after playing them for the first time. Ok, no game has ever made me do that... until now. Pink Floyd: The Wall is a hack of the classic game, Donkey Kong. You know, the one where you play as Mario and jump over a bunch of barrels that an angry ape is throwing at you. We've all played it before. We all loved it. Well, throw the innocent fun of that game right out the door, because this hack completely destroys anything pure (and sane) about the original Donkey Kong.

Ahhh! My eyes!

The second I started the game I knew I was in for some trouble. The title screen damn near blinds you with all of the whiteness. Yes indeed, this is a true work of art. Hey, it's a wall! Oh I get it, like Pink Floyd's "The Wall"! How creative! Notice at the bottom it says "Hack 1999: Grimlick". I'm amazed that someone actually wanted to sign their name to this atrocity. So you pick the game you want to play, although I doubt you'll ever be able to choose the 2-player option. Finding another person willing enough to give this piece of shit a try might be kinda hard. So I suggest sticking with the 1-player game.

Level 1... the insanity begins.

Ok, we get the picture. You didn't have to make the entire game look like a friggin' wall, dipshit. So, "Grimlick" has apparently kept the level itself the same, probably because he wasn't capable of making anything decent. Either that, or he took one hit of acid too many and drowned in a pool of his own vomit. I don't really care which. So the object is to get your guy to the top, while dodging the obstacles that are thrown towards you, and save the "damsel in distress". But there's a few MAJOR changes to this game that make it quite different from the original Donkey Kong. And no, I'm not just talking about how he made the entire thing look like a brick wall.

Hi I'm Floyd! Ohhh No! I don't like the looks of this game! I will smash you! Smash you with my guitar! Oh nooo!

Meet "Pink Floyd". I assume that's his name because whenever you die, it says "Pink Died" it barely legible handwriting. His only weapon is an occasional guitar that he happens to find. With it, he can smash his enemies, but it only lasts but for so long. Notice the look on his face? The look of shock and fear? Well, that look never leaves his face the entire game. And rightfully so. Poor lil' Floyd has to go up against the worst enemy I have ever seen in my entire life.

I am the Angry Hammer-Shooting Asshole! Boo!

An Asshole. No, I don't mean like a guy who acts like a jerk. I literally mean: AN ASSHOLE. Yes indeed, a dancing asshole, complete with balls that hang down and sway to each side while it dances. Not only does this crazy asshole dance, but it shoots out hammers from its anal cavity. This is the part of the game that made me question whether or not my food was drugged. So just in case you're wondering the same, let me summarize this enemy again: A HAMMER-SHOOTING, DANCING ASSHOLE.

Beginning to understand why poor lil' Floyd has a constant look of horror on his face? There's more...

Cyclops! Evil, Red-Eyed, Cyclops!

The hammer-shooting, dancing asshole is apparently controlled by an evil wizard. I think he's evil because he's got one red-eye, and we know that all Cyclops are evil, right? Besides, do you think anybody that was a "good guy" would hire the help of a hammer-shooting, dancing asshole? I want to know what the hell this wizard guy was thinking. Why couldn't he just throw the hammers at lil' Floyd himself? Why did he have to shoot ass-hammers at him? That's just sick.

Gimme some sugar baby!

As if having ass-hammers shot at him constantly wasn't bad enough, poor little Floyd is constantly being tormented by a horny wolf with an extremely hyperactive penis. Well, I think it's a wolf with an extremely hyperactive penis, though I can't be sure. But really, when you're playing a game where there's an ass shooting hammers at you, is having a "horny wolf with an extremely hyperactive penis" that much of a stretch? Didn't think so. The wolf actually came from the asshole. The first hammer it shoots out goes straight down and lands in the yelling/crying/yawning/whatever face that is there in place of the original Donkey Kong oil drum. From there the horny wolf with an extremely hyperactive penis is born. This face is the only thing (aside from the brick wall crap) that I recognize from any of Pink Floyd's material. 

eeek! ---> Pink Floyd blah blah blah

Close enough, I guess...

I'll admit, I don't know hardly anything about Pink Floyd. Their music never really interested me one bit. But if this game is in any way representative of what Pink Floyd is all about, I think it's safe to say I made the right choice about not listening to them. Even if Pink Floyd is nothing like this game, one of their fans made this game as a tribute to them. And that fact is still enough to keep me the hell away from any of their music. (Note: A friend just informed me that most of this stuff does in fact come from Pink Floyd. So there you have it, I have indeed made the right choice about staying the hell away from their music! ha ha!)

Oh baby!

And here we have the "damsel in distress". I dunno about you, but she looks pretty malnourished to me. Actually, she might be a sock puppet or a blow-up doll. I really can't tell. All I know is that she's nude (and why shouldn't she be? She's being held captive by a hammer-shooting, dancing asshole) and has giant legs that look like stilts. Why lil' Floyd even gives a damn about saving her is beyond me. Any girl that's stupid enough to be captured by a hammer-shooting, dancing asshole probably isn't worth saving in the first place. Oh well, onto level 2.

Level 2, the insanity continues...

Again, he didn't change much about level 2 from the original Donkey Kong except for making it look like a brick wall. Man, this Grimlick's creative juices know no bounds! Ok, a couple of things. First off, where the hell did the evil Cyclops wizard that was controlling the dancing asshole go? Is he on a coffee break? Did he have an appointment with his optometrist? Is he out harvesting some more dancing assholes in a plot to conquer the earth? We may never know. The asshole is also no longer shooting hammers at you, but it's still dancing. What can I say, the asshole just loves to dance. The horny wolf is still there, although now there's two of 'em. Maybe they can get together and hump each others brains out and finally stop harassing poor lil' Floyd.

Plant or Snake? Plant or Dragon?

There are two bonuses on the level that you can pick up for extra points. I'm not sure if they're plants or snakes or dragons or... pfft, I just don't know. If they're plants, I'm sure they have some kind of hallucinative properties if inhaled or digested. Perhaps that would explain how this game came about in the first place, but you'd have to ask whoever this "Grimlick" guy is to be sure.

Weeeeeeeeee Heeeeeeeeee!

Aside from the horny wolves, the only real threat on this level is the bouncing knights. There seems to be an unlimited supply of them that come from the top left side of the screen in an attempt to kill Floyd. All you have to do is time it right though and you can get by them. It's a pretty easy level to get by, just not an easy level to comprehend. But neither is the entire game. So, onto level 3...

Level 3, finally, we're near the end!

Once again, not many changes here on this third and thankfully final level of the game. The asshole is still dancing, and the wolves are still trying to hump your brains out. So all you have to do is pick up the 8 plugs on the level and the asshole will finally be defeated...

Ding, Dong, the Ass is dead!

Upon removing the final plug, the asshole falls to its disturbing demise as its legs twitch back 'n forth into a "spread eagle" position. Tasteful and Lovely. And to wrap things up, Floyd has a message for the damsel whom he went through hell to save:

YOU BITCH!
"YOU BITCH"

There you have it. The manifestation of all of lil' Floyd's anger in one simple phrase: "YOU BITCH". Too bad though, cuz as soon as he's done calling her a bitch the game starts all over again. Apparently she got caught by yet ANOTHER hammer-shooting, dancing asshole. Jeez!

Bloody Cross!

One one final note, when Floyd dies, he doesn't just fall over and lay dead. No, that would make too much sense. He spins around and turns into a BLOODY CROSS. Apparently getting attacked by a horny wolf or hit by an ass-hammer can turn you into a bloody cross, so I suggest all of you stay away from both of these things in real life. I can't believe Dateline hasn't covered this health threat already.

Well that about covers the "Pink Floyd: The Wall" rom hack. I only have one suggestion for lil' Floyd...

GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT INSANE GAME!
RUN FLOYD RUN!

HELLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!
-RoG-

note: This rom hack actually does have a lot in common with Pink Floyd's "The Wall", so in that regard... it's not all bad. Then again, that really doesn't change how fucked up it is, now does it. A hammer-shooting, dancing asshole will never be normal. If your asshole dances and shoots hammers, please consult a physician immediately.


You too can play Pink Floyd: The Wall!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE "PINK FLOYD: THE WALL" ROM FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]


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