One of the things that's always fascinated me the most about the Internet is how large groups of people display the exact same behavior without realizing it, and how they can think up the exact same ideas. Perhaps this is also the reason why newfound hackers at first seem preoccupied with gorging their favorite games with 8-bit penii and more gutter language than even MTV can bleep out. When I stumbled across the title "Pussy City Pimps" (which, by the way, would make a fantastic rap song title), I can't say I had any expectancies of sophistication from this hack. Still, I was blown away (ha ha) by the limitless smut vocabulary worked into this game, almost desperately at times.
I couldn't be sure, but I believe this hacker's alias is "Jomb", or possibly "Jomb iu". Somehow, there never seems to be much difference in a hack's quality whether or not the creator signed it. Well, the start screen is changed, and that's usually a positive sign, but let's press on.
Alex and Ryan look reasonably the same, except that their genitalia are flaccidly dangling outside of their pants and they've got a really creepy, meaningful grin on their faces. I never really like leaving the characters at their original names, so here's a little trick not everybody knows: hit select to reach the name entry screen. Renaming Alex to Fatty, I kick off the game.
Gee, I guess I no longer have to ask what my motivation is. This hack actually has a story! I must liberate Pussy City from paid sex acts. Don't these people know the dangers of promiscuity? Perhaps their town is perpetually stuck in the 60s. No time to ask silly questions.
I have to admit, I came very close to just stopping play right here. I can handle a lot of the stuff these rom hacks throw at me. I can deal with albinos on magic carpets, I can take Foot Soldiers with sunglasses trying to strangle me, I can stomach old ladies giving me handjobs for magic points, but gangbangers assailing me with giant dildos is where I draw the line.
Unfortunately, it seemed that if I wanted to get any further in this game, I would have to handle these loverods myself. Fortunately, it appears these were the only weapons altered by Jomb. He was far too busy inserting so much smut into the text parts of the game that it stopped making sense altogether. Horny Orgy High, I get. Now there's a school where I would never be late for classes. But "Premature Orgasms' muff"? What?
Not only the gang names are rewritten into incomprehensible vulgarities, even the enemy names are new. The Harrys and Larrys of regular RCR are now Gimps, Queers and Fairies. Wholesome exclamations by stricken enemies have also been defiled too. Instead of "Barf!" or "Mamaaaa!", the characters now say such things as "You pube!", "That made me blow my wad", and the ever popular "Piss!".
In a city where physical love is celebrated as much as in Pussy City, there is of course no need for coarse graffiti. Instead, such messages are just
inscribed on helpful signs that are hung up around town. I waited forever at the Whore Pick-up and nobody showed up. Maybe I'll have more luck at the mall?
And understandably, in Pussy City all mail consists of erotic post cards, dirty notes and blatantly detailed loveletters. Everything conveniently falls under "smut mail". These people don't know shame, they celebrate their sexuality! My job is to see to it that they can continue to do so, uncharged. At least, that's the story I'm going with. I need something to keep me going here.
As always, the construction- er, consucktion yard is guarded by Moo- I mean, Loose. The object of River City Ransom, as I only found out much later, is to seek out various bosses until you're let into the city school. And you have to really look for them. Well, despite Loose's threat to "cut my tits off", he proved to be all talk.
A violent pummeling with my trusty phallic simulation later, Loose lay crying and broken at my feet. I pressed on and found myself at the mall!
Slutto Mall. One of Pussy City's many budding economical centers. For some disturbing reason, the only people walking around in the mall are naked women and little boys in tank tops. It doesn't sound like a very healthy situation to me. By now I could use some extra hitpoints - or as this hack puts it, "max semen". But no matter what mall I visited, I found every shop to be offering me either prostitutes or sexual attributes.
One has to wonder what these people eat.
A little further ahead, on Masturbation Bridge, I ran into Poxy. Poxy, as the story goes, is "slut" to Prick, the big boss behind the pimps. Helpful as always, she laid out the situation for me:
...yeah. It didn't make all that much sense to me either. But a promise is a promise. I went on my way to "boner-up" and "be erect" for my encounter with "the Slaves". Eesh.
My journey through Pussy City further led me into a seemingly abandoned Whorehouse, where the Hump Boys ambushed me. I felt a growing suspicion that everything associated with the word "whore" has a different meaning in this town, because they seem to be the only places where there's anything but whores to be found. Cryptic, yes, but who am I to question the ways of this love colony?
At times like this it's nice to have a voluptuous store clerk pistol-whip you back into reality. It certainly did me some good after seeing just about every synonym for the naughty bits of the human body pass over the screen for the past fifteen minutes.
Refreshed, I found two more bosses awaiting a savage beating outside the Homo Club. Despite their threats of now having venereal diseases in store for me, I once again pounded their brains in with my artificial bonestick and took their money.
Of course such a victory was reason to celebrate at Pop's Sauna - or Homo Club, and I figured Jomb would've left this part of the game alone since it was already gratuitous enough with Alex's 8-bit ass showing. I figured wrong. My only relief was that I didn't have to witness Pop giving me his "complementary service".
One can take only so much unrelenting depravity before it starts getting painful. In a way I have to admire just how much pornographic lingo one person managed to focus into a single game. Kind of in the same way I admire how Mario Van Peebles keeps trying to make new movies. But, neither of these can be considered healthy for the observer, so I decided to just head on over to Pussy City High and rescue Horny.
It took me a while to take out all the bosses, but eventually I was let into the school. In there, I found either a very confused gangleader, or the limits of my own grasp on sexual terms. If someone wants to enlighten me as to what a "cathouse" is, be sure to e-mail me. No goatse.cx links please.
Note: Since the publication of this
review, I have been informed that a "cathouse" is actually a whorehouse,
brothel, house of ill repute. My thanks to all the people that e-mailed me
for enriching my vocabulary with this word.
At the top floor of the school, I finally ran into the Slaves. Though Poxy made them sound intimidating, by now I was strong enough to take them out. My reward of course being that I had finally found Horny. Hooray!
Yeah, "wet" is such a tough word to spell. After this rather disturbing conversation, Horny vanished in all her naked glory, and I was left with little other to do than to press on. After all, I hadn't found Prick yet, the leader of the pimps.
But, consistency is a little much to ask from Jomb, so halfway through the hacking process he forgot he'd renamed RCR boss "Slick" to "Prick", and instead named him "Slime". Well, has more class, I guess. Jomb's disturbing thoughtworld spiralled into its final descent as Slime confessed to me that he was my ex-girlfriend turned male, with the intent of reuniting as a couple.
And not with kind words. Slime brandished the latest model in self-stimulation/defense, with which he meant to bust my head in. Luckily, I had the same item and could return the favor.
With a few last disturbing words, particularly in relation to the name I chose for my character, Slime breathed his final breath and vanished. Pussy City was free! Or, as the epilogue romantically described:
What exactly did Ryan do to deserve to share in the credits? Well, all is once again lustful in Pussy City, and just in time, because if I'd have to deal with one more synonym for a penis, I'm going to kill myself.
...OK. That does it.
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