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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Super Mario Bros. 2 - Christmas Edition!
-a rom hack of "Super Mario Bros. 2" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

The holiday season is upon us once again, and that can mean only one thing: Shopping. For the staff here at I-Mockery, though, Christmas means that we each have a new flimsy pretext to base our articles upon.

This year, the baby Jesus will be pleased to see that a rom hack has been made in honor of his birthday that doesn't contain the usual stipend of drugs and genitals. But will it still measure up to the lofty standards that I have for people stripping down classic Nintendo games (and Codename: Viper) and changing a few minute details so that they can tell their friends that they are genuine members of the rom hacking elite? Only time will tell. Now, prepare to have your head exploded by the yule-fueled sensation that is called Super Mario Bros. 2 – Christmas Edition.

Thank god it only comes once a year.

A standard title screen for a rom hack. Green background for that extra Christmas touch, and even a little "Christmas Edition" written in script to drive the message home.

Take a bow, losers.

And here are our central players, decked out in fabulous new Christmas outfits from Old Navy. Gorgeous!

Alright, guys, I've got Christmas shopping to do, and to be quite honest, I really don't want to hang around here much longer. I mean, I've read articles by this Dr. Boogie guy in the past, and I want to get out of here before this piece really starts to blow. That said, I'll be leaving you in the care of my main man, Toadworth. Are you ready, Toad?

He's optimistic, despite his spotted headgear.

Alright then. See you chumps and chumpettes later.

"Well, folks, let's get started on this tour of SMB 2 – Christmas Edition!"

Brrr, I'm freezing my 'shroom off!

"Why, they've gone and turned the world into a winter wonderland. How delightful! Good thing I decided to ditch my old vest-and-no-shirt look for this stylish snow suit. My only regret is that I didn't bring my sled. Man, though, I could stare at that snow all day. Looks like I'll have to, seeing as every frigging scene, indoors and out, has snow in the background. Wee!"

"Enough o' that, though. Let's you and me take a look at the bestiary:"

A hat?  You cheap bastards.

Beat it, Frosty.

"And as for the rest of you, the enemies that didn't even try to make a miniscule costume change in the spirit of Christmas, I invite all of you to go straight to hell! Fortunately for you people, the bosses have at least put on costumes of their own for the season."

Squeak.  Squeak, I tell you, squeak!

"Here's one dressed up as the Rat King from the Nutcracker. The sunglasses he added himself. I think it makes him look hip and dynamic."

Chestnuts roasting over... me

"And hey, look! It's the star that guided the three wise men to Bethlehem, where they gave their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to Santa Clause, and he drove his sleigh to the North Pole to tell Jesus to start cranking out bread and fish for everyone on Santa's nice list, and to damn everyone on the naughty list to an eternity of pain and suffering in the deepest bowels of hell, watching as their own entrails are devoured by the voracious pit beasts that have existed since times forgotten, and serve masters whose names are too horrible to repeat."

Citizen Sniiiiiiiips!

"This one is a little less Christmas-y. It's a Snow Crab (known affectionately as "Opies" by fishermen in the industry). Man, let me tell you, if I earned more than the pittance I make working for the princess, I'd be having myself a Snow Crab for Christmas dinner instead of just a four pack of Ramen noodles. But am I bitter? No, never."

Snakes are cold-blooded.  Just like Dirty Harry.

"This guy is a… a…

Oh, to hell with this! This whole thing is a bust! The damned author didn't change a damn thing. I spit on the whole thing. *ptooie*"

I don't care how jaunty your hat is.

And so, Toadworth learned the true meaning of Christmas.

Well folks, I'm back from my Christmas shopping, and seeing what a half assed job the author of this hack did got me to thinking, "how would I have made a Christmas-themed rom hack?" In short, I wouldn't because I am a considerate human being, but I did come up with a few variations on the bad guys from the second in a long chronicle of the world of the brothers Mario:

He's got little wings for extra take-off.

Behold! It's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Snifit! Sure, he may not be able to fly, but reindeer aren't supposed to be able to fly, and look how well they're doing. A little cosmetic surgery will turn that vulture's beak into a respectable round nose in no time flat.

His performance has been, at best, spotty.

A misguided attempt at holiday spirit has turned this noble insect colossus into a fashion faux pas. Red and black is a winning combination, but this…

Upright, yes, but he has a thyroid problem.

In the rom hacker's tradition, I have opted to simply add some text, rather than radically alter the character sprite. It saves time and effort. Interesting side note, you can't spell "noel" without an "L".

Annoy your hairy friend by calling him "bird beard".

I'm particularly proud of this one. My buddy, Pidget, has donned an adorable little Santa beard. No hat, though. He has a scalp condition. Probably from riding his carpet at high altitudes.

It's party time.  P-A-R-T, why?  Because I gotta!

Aw, look how happy he is! Sure, it is a little unnerving, but sometimes it's good to be scared. Not right now, of course, but later.

The explosion should say "boom!", not "bomb!"

Screw Bob Omb. He's got a five-second lifespan, so why should he get to ride around in the talons of a huge bird? No, let's give our avian companion a comically oversized ornament to hang on some comically oversized Christmas tree (not pictured).

He's practically invisible in a gold mine.

The world's least deadly ninja gets the star treatment. Yes, he's the famous star from the Christmas story, and oh, how he shines. Beautiful.

A more jolly mechanized infantry.

I've gone to the trouble of giving the shyguy's WMD a little sprucing up. Now, the "M" stands for "merry"!

Birdo for Birkenstocks.

That damned ostrich is always prancing about, but it's the winter for god's sake. The bird needs some fine quality boots to help him slog through the snow. Now, all he needs is a truss (carrying a Shyguy is murder on his back).

Don't kid yourself.  He still has a black heart.

Yon hedgehog has been striped like a candy cane. Or a barber pole, depending on your own personal leanings. In either case, he tastes like peppermint. Delicious.

There is no god.

I admit I have no idea what the hell this thing was supposed to be in the first place. What god would create such a hideous white mouthless mutoid? I can't imagine what this thing would look like for Christmas, but I'm damn sure that I want no part of it.

BOW!!! :o

Last but not least is dear Squigly. I'm sorry, but there is no alternative. The Shyguys and Snifits of this world would do well to try and mimic the magnificence that is Squigly.

That about wraps it up. I've laid down the foundation for what could be a well-done Christmas rom hack of Super Mario Bros. 2 - I leave it up to you rom hackers out there to finish the job. And before you go, remember this: every time Dr. Boogie screams in anguish, a rom hacker gets his wings. Merry frigging Christmas.

Aw, how romantic.
Dr. Boogie

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