The Mario brothers have for so long been a symbol of hope for all the
peoples in the world, especially Italians. Say for a minute, though, that
they were just the opposite. Say that instead of international superstars,
they were just bored skinheads waiting to spread white power throughout
the Mushroom Kingdom. What's that, you say you can't imagine such a
scenario? Neither could I, until I had a look at "Super KKK Brothers".
a game that supports up to two members of the "master race"? Well, you're
in luck, because Super KKK Brothers is a one or two "nigger h8r" game. Ah,
nothing says class like throwing in numbers for letters like many of the
more popular bumper stickers. You know, I had always thought that the Klan
was an organization that would never try to cut corners, especially when
spelling was involved. I suppose it is hard to spell correctly when you
have your hood on backwards.
As you may
have guessed, the majority of the enemies from the original game have been
replaced with crude drawings of black people. The turtles, instead of
being transformed into a black guy with a shell on his back, have been
turned into a black guy with a bucket of KFC on his back. This brings up
two important questions: What KFC sells such relatively huge buckets of
chicken, and what kind of bucket bounces around killing people when you
kick it? The most confusing enemy conversion, however, has to be the cloud
Now come on,
this makes no sense at all. Since when has one of the main complaints that
the Klan has against black people been "they rain pointy monsters down on
us from their cloud perches in the sky"? Maybe it's just a Southern thing…
Some enemies, like the flowers and the giant bullets, have remained the
same because like every other ethnicity, they are on the Klan's list. We
need to band together as one people if we want to stop these madmen from
destroying the members of our giant bullet community. Some of my best
friends are giant bullets! Enough about these "inferior humans", let's
take a look at our "hero".
hell? I thought Caucasians were supposed to be tall. How can I look to
this short bastard to be my hero? Man, I am so disillusioned right now.
Why, he's no taller than those damn dirty ni… Oh yeah, to get tall in
Super Mario Bros., you had to get those mushrooms. Our tiny neo-nazi, on
the other hand, picks up one of these:
Aw, isn't he
just the cutest little hatemonger you've ever seen? If only he came in
plush form… Oh well. Grabbing one of these guys transforms you into a
hood-wearing Klansman, with bonus moustache. The next step in Skinhead
Mario's evolution requires one of these:
it's meant to be one of those Iron Crosses that Hitler used to give out
before he had his brains smeared all over the wall of some secret bunker.
Anyway, one of these crosses will transform you into a red Klansman that
shoots smaller versions of the cross instead of traditional fireballs. Now
really, should the clan just be giving out these awards to everyone that
comes their way? I don't see a lot of Vietnam vets going out and tossing
handfuls of Purple Hearts at people. Anyway, on occasion you will find one
of the rare invincibility power-ups, which were stars in the original
game, by the way:
a noose makes you invincible. It makes sense that a noose would be such a
sought-after item when you think about it, because if you were part of an
organization that is despised by all people of the world and wracked by
sheer stupidity, wouldn't you want to kill yourself? When you grab said
instrument, the bad guys will simply get out of your way when you touch
them because frankly, they pity you, even that weirdo in the cloud.
So there he is, the David Dukes of the Mushroom Kingdom. As if all the
stuff before hasn't been enough to thoroughly creep you out, wait until
you see the new take on Bowser:
menacing, fire-breathing dinosaur has been replaced by a menacing,
fire-breathing platypus. Now this is yet another surprise for me: I didn't
know the Klan had problems with Australian animals. I guess it's a good
thing there's plenty of lava to dunk that nasty creature in. As your
reward for killing this dangerous mammal (Amphibian? Reptile? What the
hell is it?), you'll find that you have rescued one of the princess's
helpers, in this case, a little bald child.
you, little androgynous child. Your instructions shall be taken to heart.
Now where has that real princess gone? Ah, there she is:
quite a feisty redhead, your majesty. I think we should let these
ebony-skinned people live with us so that we might enjoy their fried
chicken and the fact that they are not related to us, as there's a better
chance our children won't grow up with flippers like when we marry in the
family. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wash my sheets because I
soiled myself when I saw that giant platypus.
You too can play (the pathetically racist) Super KKK Bros.!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE
SUPER KKK BROS. ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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