-a rom hack of "Double Dragon 3" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

One of the more prolific rom hackers featured here at I-Mockery is a man named Jomb. In the past, he's brought us such classics of wanton perversion as Pussy City Pimps, Little Remo: The Child Abuser, and The Lone Rapist, and now he's hoping to leave all his prior work in the dust. This time, his target isn't a fictional cowboy or a comic strip character from the 1900s. No, this time around, Jomb has turned his profane eye upon the third Double Dragon game (the aptly-titled Double Dragon III) and turned it into the latest installment into his ongoing narrative about genitalia and a certain oat-loving man:
Tran Tramps: The Family Jewels.

I feel reassured that we are in good hands. Note the use of the original font to bring you the "Tran". Note also the unusual act of hacking the gothic font to bring a very classy "The Family Jewels". And look, at the bottom. The game has been officially licensed by Testicle Haters, a limited liability company operating just outside the OC. It's a solid company with a long history behind it.

Now, as you'll recall, Jomb set the rom hacking world ablaze when, in The Lone Rapist, he introduced the idea of not only hacking the graphics in a game, but also taking the time to hack the music. Once again, Jomb has raised the stakes by going so far as to hack the MANUAL!!! That's right, Jomb has officially hacked this game from crotch to gizzard, and the results are not pretty. He's edited every facet of the manual, right down to the copyright information. I'm torn, frankly: on the one hand, it must have taken a tremendous amount of effort on Jomb's part to so methodically and maliciously mar the manual. On the other hand, it's a rom hack. At the end of the day, an 8-bit penis is still an 8-bit penis, no matter how much pain and suffering has been put into it, or dealt with it, for that matter. Anyway, the hacked manual also contains a little more detail about the hack than what's shown in the game, so I'll be interjecting a few choice cuts into the rest of the review to help clear things up for you. (you'll have a chance to read it in its entirety later on)

Let's see what Jomb and the guys at TH could do for this game:

Hmm, interesting. Transsexuals, aging queens, and a trio of missing stones, if you know what I mean. Sounds like any given foray into the world of rom hacking. Still, I'm anxious to see how this story plays out. The manual further adds that the Lee brothers decided to head down Crossdresser Lane thanks in large part to the heavy whoring of their former love interest, Marion. What's more, there's this little tidbit:

They renamed themselves Filly and Jammy and lived as fake females.
Filly even got a live-in boyfriend, Brett.

But their happiness was short-lived... Wilford Brimley moved into town.

And then, shit went crazeh!

The story begins in the dojo, with its Abba banner and a wanted poster for what I assume is the Lone Rapist. Brett has been killed by Wilford Brimley's army of rampaging homophobes, and it's up to Filly and Jammy to avenge his death. And so they do, but standing between them and the big W are his hacked thugs.

In typical rom hack fashion, the enemies have been reworked to make them a little more... appropriate for the genre, let's say. These two, however, were already leaning in that direction, so they've gone more or less unchanged. The same cannot be said for the female thug:

A fine 5 o'clock shadow indeed, and the cigarette is a nice touch, too. You know, in England, they call... well, it's not important. Waiting just a few feet past the last of these fruity fellows is none other than the master of the 'Betis, Wilford Brimley:

Well, it looks more like a pug dog with a moustache and glasses, but you get the picture. He's a wily old salt, and it'll take more than just the muscles in your cleanly waxed chest to take him down. That's why Filly always remembers to bring a little something extra:

Just five of those and Wilford will have sucked down his last oat. Previous Double Dragons would have ended with revenge being successfully executed, but in the fast-paced world of the Tran Tramps, revenge is just the appetizer to a 'round-the-world quest for missing orbs of power. Luckily, Oldfag knows that the first orb is in China. Now, they'll be up against "the hardest she-males you've ever encountered." Behold:

They weren't kidding. That is one manly young lady. And such tiny feet! It boggles the mind. Just as Wilford Brimley was leading the pack against the Lee brothers, er, sisters, the (wo)man behind the baldies and hermaphrodites in China is "China's famous lardy she-male, Chub Chubly."

Don't be lulled into confusion trying to figure out if Chub is a man trapped in a woman's body, or vice versa. Whatever it is, it has some nasty kicks coupled with deadly open-palmed blows. Or maybe someone's just copping a feel. It is a rom hack after all. Anyway, Chub will give up a Family Jewel and join in your quest for the other two as it takes you to a great land of perversion, where you'll match wits with the exiled pimps from Pussy City.

This could be yet another first for rom hacking: the first time a rom hack featured hacked characters from another rom hack. Only in America, people. Those of you who've read the review of Pussy City Pimps can probably guess who's in charge of this riff-raff.

The notorious leader of the gang, Prick Slime. Though not a transsexual like Chub and the Lees, he is suffering from a terminal case of XYZ, and he'll lend his baseballs and Love Toy to the cause. Then, as Oldfag explains, it's off to Italy, for no real reason at all. There, you'll encounter yet another referential character.

I don't really know what these things were called, but they were in Little Remo. I don't recall their sperm being as deadly there as it is here, but there was a lot of fluid exchange going on in that hack, so it's hard to say for certain. All I do know is this: in this country, they're the servants of the double-willy'ed god's son, the great and powerful...

Cockules! Sadly, Cockules will not join you once you finished punching him in the... head. Indeed, just as in the original game, there was absolutely no point in your coming to Italy, apart from trying to frustrate and kill you to artificially prolong the game's replayability. I don't know, maybe I'm just cynical. Nah. Anyway, the last stop is Egypt, the home of the Sex God.

Amidst the reworked hieroglyphics and assorted male organs, you'll learn that Oldfag was really a traitor who wanted first dibs on the whole "turn me into a real woman" tip. However, in his rush to be the first in, he winds up getting "knocked up... in the bum." By whom, you ask?

Is this the largest balls-and-shaft featured on I-Mockery? I just don't know anymore. You'll have to sort through three of these guys before you can meet up with the real Sex God:

Fantastic. I would think the sand would be a real problem for him, given his condition. Still, I suppose the gods can take care of themselves. After all, we are talking about a guy that can summon other, smaller penises to work as projectiles for him, along with a host of other abilities that made the final boss in DD3 complete and utter BS. Still, that's what savestates are for, and once you defeat the Sex God, you get to see another of Jomb's trademark endings.

It's so beautiful I almost can't stand to look at it. I wish it ended there, but I'm afraid there is one more thing that I should mention: As in his previous works, Jomb has put his own little creative spin on the original music. Personally, I thought it was one of the worst things your ears could possibly come into contact with, but all the same, Jomb is actually offering a CD of the hacked music to you, the hapless viewer. Details, including Jomb's email addy, are included on the last page of the hacked game manual. Just unzip the included file and look in the folder marked "Manuel". Unfortunately, Manuel is not a playable character in the game, although that is a good idea for the next rom hack. Here's hoping it never gets off the ground.

Note: If you don't plan on downloading the game or would simply rather view it online, worry not my friend, we've got you covered. You can still flip through the game manual in its entirety right here on I-Mockery:

CLICK HERE TO LAUNCH THE ONLINE MANUAL!
(it will pop up in a small window so make sure you have pops enabled)

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