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Now I'm sure all of you gaming fanatics recall that "Wilford
Brimley Battle" rom hack that I reviewed a while ago. Wilford
apparently wasn't ready to stop with controlling the rom hacker's mind
after that little gem was completed. Nope, Wilford wanted more. No
longer was he satisfied with tainting good ol' River City Ransom forever,
he had to move onto one of the most famous classic games ever: Donkey
Kong.
It's
pretty easy to see why he chose Donkey Kong... I mean they're practically
identical. Right?
And if you recall, Donkey Kong WAS once a part of
your balanced nutritious breakfast...
JUST LIKE WILFORD'S OATS! Are you starting to see how all of this
is tied together??
No? Good, cuz that's the best guess I could come up with and I still don't
get it.
From the
very beginning I noticed something was wrong. Sure, the title of the game
was left unscathed, but the rest of the screen had some major alterations.
First off, it's no longer "Game A" or "Game B". Now it's "Regular" or "Iregular"
(which shows that Wilford didn't tell this rom hacker even how to spell
"Irregular" properly). I can only assume that this refers to bowel
movements. Besides, Wilford would be the first to tell ya, "If you want a
good, firm, chunky bowel movement... eat my oats regularly." Of course, if
you didn't obey him, your bowel movements would be irregular (or "iregular")
after Wilford put his evil inside you for your oaty disobedience.
Next is a
strange copyright statement: "©
Hentai No Kami."
I wasn't too
sure about this one since I couldn't find any sign of Japanese Hentai porn
in the game (not that I'd be surprised to find some in a rom hack of such
high standards). So, I consulted a friend who may or may not have known
what the hell he was talking about, or he could've just been fucking with
me. I don't care, at least he gave me something to try to translate this
statement with. He explained that "No" in Japanese can mean several things
including "and". "Kami" can mean "God". So with that in mind "Hentai No
Kami" could possibly translate to any of the following:
Hell, I'm
sure you people could come up with a plethora of good translations, but
let's just try to move on while we still have a shred of oat-free sanity,
ok? Speaking of Hell, that's apparently where this game was made...
HELL! This marks the first time that a rom hacker has shared with us
the actual place that a rom hack was created. Then again, I never had a
doubt that "Hell" is where all rom hacks were spawned anyway. Now let's
get started with the game and see what horrors await us...
Notice anything different? On the left is the original "Donkey Kong", on
the right is "Wilford Kong".
Notice that
the "Top Score" has been replaced by "OAT". That's right folks, in
the world of Wilford Brimley, you don't get points... you get oats. And
how about that "Bonus Time" eh? Now it's been changed to "FIBER".
So time isn't measured in seconds, it's measured in grams of fiber.
Colon-tastic!
Let's
examine what else is different here shall we?
KONG... EATS... OATS!!!
Just as I
feared, Donkey Kong is no longer in the game. Instead, he has been
replaced by a psychotic Wilford Brimley who is hell-bent on delivering
oaty-pain to you in every inhumanly possible way. And what's to stop you
from just turning the game off and telling Wilford to go shove his oats
where the oats don't shine?
This dancing idiot.
Your mission
is to rescue a princess. At least, I think she's a princess. Aren't most
of the female victims in games known as "the princess"? Bah, who cares...
if you ask me, she's not even worth your time. She can't jump off a
fucking ledge and walk away on her own? I don't buy it. Then again,
perhaps Wilford has put her in a trance. That might explain why she does a
stupid little dance the entire time while you struggle just to avoid being
killed by oats. And speaking of which...
"ON THE SIXTH DAY, THE SKY WILL RAIN OATS."
Ok, that
might not be a proper translation, but it basically sums up what Wilford
has in store for you. He grabs bowls of oats from his patented
"happy-smiley-face-barrels-of-oaty-goodness" and sends them down to kill
you.
The very
first bowl of oats he sends is extra-special. It skips all of the planks
and heads straight for the "oat bin" at the bottom of the screen. It used
to be an oil bin, but now?
IT'S A FLAMING OAT BIN!
That was
scary enough, but nothing... NOTHING could prepare me for what popped out
of it next.
AN ANGRY, FLAMING BOWL OF OATS!
Unlike all
the other oats that came tumbling down the screen, this bowl of oats had a
mind of its own! It could walk up and down ladders and actually chase me.
Folks, I've had many nightmares in my years on this Earth, but nothing
compares to the horror of being chased down by an angry, flaming bowl of
oats. NOTHING.
So what
does one do when being chased by an angry, flaming bowl of oats?
YOU RUN!
Damn
straight, you run your little plumber ass away from it as fast as you can!
There are only two ways you can avoid being harmed by the other bowls of
oats. First, you can jump over them. When you do so, it actually says "OAT"
to you for a job well done. I guess "OAT" is oat-talk for "Nice
jump!" or "100 points!" or "Eat us, we're good for your colon!"
The other
thing you can do is jump up and get a hammer to smash the bowls of oats
with. Hey wait, that's not a hammer! It's a... it's a... it's a...
 
Thank you,
Tick. Yes indeed, the hammer from Donkey Kong has been replaced by a large
wooden spoon. But rather than eat the oats with your spoon, you smash them
to pieces with it. It's probably for the best, I'm sure Wilford poisoned
them anyway... that sick fuck.
Once again,
the oats speak to you. When you smash a bowl of oats with a spoon, it says
"OAT" after vanishing. I guess "OAT" is also oat-talk for "OW!"
Boy, these oats sure are talkative!
Onward to
level 2...
Level 2
has more of the angry, flaming oats, but this time there's some new
additions as well.
First off,
there's a light turquoise bowl of ice cream. Or maybe Wilford just wanted
to trick us into thinking it was ice cream, when it's really just some
more of his damned oats! Nonetheless, if you pick it up, it'll give you
some extra points... er... I mean "oats" damnit. There's also ludicrous
bouncing bowls of oats that Wilford keeps tossing over to the right side
of the screen. They're not too hard to avoid since they follow the same
pattern, you've just gotta time it right. I just want to know how the oats
actually stay in the bowl during such a bumpy ride. Then again, they do
have a glue-like consistency. I once patched up a bunch of cracks in a
brick wall with some oats. No really.
Another
"bonus" on the board is the mysterious milkshake. Again, I suspect that
it's really not a milkshake, and instead is a nauseating "oat-shake"
created by that twisted fat man, Wilford. I didn't bother picking it up
though, I'm sure it would just say "OAT" if I did anyway. Will the
pain ever end?
Ah level 3.
Nothing new on this level at all, just some more bowls of oats. All you
gotta do is remove all of the pegs from the giant metal structure, and it
will break apart. I'm not really sure how the hell the princess is
floating in midair though... you'd think she'd collapse with the metal
structure too. Well, I wish she would. But really, who gives a damn. All
that matters is one simple thing:
WILFORD HAS BEEN DEFEATED!
Actually, he
hasn't. The game just starts over right away. I guess that idiot princess
got caught again, and I definitely don't care enough about her to save her
ass a second time. She can suffer a horrible life of oat-lovin' for the
rest of her days for all I care. As for me, I let the angry, flaming bowl
of oats put me out of my misery once and for all...
-RoG-
*** You too
can play Wilford Brimley Battle! ***
[CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE WILFORD KONG ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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