-a rom hack of
"River City Ransom" for the NES-
review by: -RoG-
Amazing. Just when you thought Wilford Brimley couldn't become a more
powerful force in the universe, along comes the game "Wilford Brimley
Battle" for the NES. Wilford obviously used his mind-controlling oats on
some poor bastard and forced the guy to create a hack of "River City
Ransom". After the game was completed, Wilford probably turned that guy's
brain into oatmeal to keep him quiet. But just who is Wilford Brimley?
the guy who tells us all to eat us some good 'n warm Quaker Oats of
course! I'm pretty sure he's about 500 years old, and has lived solely off
of these oats for his entire lifetime. He cannot be killed. He cannot be
bargained with. You'll eat his oats and you'll like it. You don't have to
like his movie "Cocoon" however, I think even he's embarrassed about that
one too. So onto the game...
dilemma. Which Wilford Brimley are we supposed to pick? The one with the
blue pants, white shirt, and white mustache? Or the one with the white
pants, blue shirt, and BLUE MUSTACHE!? I dunno, I think the one with the
blue mustache is an evil robot. I don't trust evil robots. I'll go with
the first one.
game begins we find out the real purpose behind the game... Wilford wants
to do away with Kelloggs cornflakes, so he makes them out to be like Nazis
(ie: "neo-cornflake empire"). So playing as Wilford, it is apparently your
job to put an end to Kellogg company once and for all. Sure why not, let's
give it a try...
off just outside the Quater Oat INC. headquarters. But it looks as though
you've stepped onto some gangland territory, a gang known as THE
CORNFLAKES! Something weird about this gang though.
old men, just like Wilford! Perhaps Kellogs has been making Wilford
Brimley look-a-likes instead of cereal in an attempt to overthrow his
reign of terror here on earth? Well the game doesn't really go too far
into detail as far as the plot goes, but at least we get to beat up some
like in River City Ransom, after every few boards you get to go shopping
at the local mall. In this game, however, in each mall there is an "Oats"
store. So of course, you would think that Wilford could go in to one of
these fine oaty establishments to buy some oats as a power-up.
think that, but you'd be wrong. The store may be called "Oats", but as you
can see, there's not a single damned oat on the entire menu. Just look at
the seething hatred for the waitress in Wilford's eyes. He wants his oats.
He needs his oats. And what to they offer him? Tea and pancakes. That's
just friggin' great. So, if you're like me, you buy nothing and move
we move on, is it me or are some of the kids that walk around in the mall
just a little creepy? I mean, look at this kid. He's in diapers or "short
shorts" and a
purple tank-top and I do NOT like how he is staring at Wilford. There's
something horribly wrong on the kids' mind. Something horribly wrong...
shrugged off the sight of the strange kid, only to be bombarded with a
stranger message. Before entering the next gangland territory, I am
greeted by a little girl that has a message for me. Kellogs wants me to
have a "healthy breakfast and YOGURT ENEMAS." Dear god Wilford! Have you
no shame? We understand that you don't like Kellogs, but must you expose
such sick and twisted things about the company? If there's an 8-bit Yogurt
Enema of Wilford Brimley anywhere in this game, I am shutting it off
instantly and then setting my computer on fire. That's all I've got to say
sticks subliminal messages all throughout the game, but none are more
blatant than this one: "MEN EAT OATS!". There you have it. If you
don't eat oats, Wilford thinks you're a sissy pie. But what if you're a
girl? If you eat oats will you be transformed into a man? Well, you girls
out there can get back to me on this one I suppose...
Oh god no,
he's taken over the postal service. I remember seeing Wilford Brimley on
an episode of Seinfeld where he was the U.S. Postmaster and he FORCED
Kramer to accept all of his junkmail. Kramer was ready to cry while
Wilford gave him a speech about he doesn't appreciate having his golfing
game interrupted. As scary as that scene may have been, I just figured he
was ACTING as the Postmaster. But as you can see in the above picture,
Wilford is obviously planning on taking over the U.S. Postal Service and
turning it into the U.S. OATS Service! Is there no end to his Oaty
Well, I made
it to Kellogs Headquarters. But I couldn't find a way in, just a closed
front gate. I threw a trashcan at it, but nothing happened. I tried
leaping the fence. Still nothing. So I guess I"ll never get a chance to
beat the game. But in a way I'm glad. I don't want to know what horrors
Wilford was going to bring onto the world once he destroyed the Kellogs
empire. That kind of future is just too grim for me to fathom. I'll just
sit here in peace and eat my oats like a good man. I won't complain. All I
ask is that Wilford stays the hell away from me. I don't think I'm asking
for too much.
Click the "Smack Him" Button
to see the Oat-fueled Fury of Wilford Brimley!