RoG: Well here we are man, our very first joint toy review...

McClain: This should be interesting seeing as how I have good taste and you have no taste at all.

RoG: Funny, you always seemed to like the taste of me.

McClain: I thought we agreed not to talk about that in public? Anyway. I understand you've got something to share with the rest of the class?

RoG: Someday, someday the world will know of our love. But in the meantime, yeah, I've got this brand new Soundwave Transformers figure that was generously donated by Action-HQ - who I might add are holding an I-Mockery exclusive contest. Simply purchase anything from their site between now and November 5th 2003, making sure to enter in the promotion code "I-MOCKERY" with your purchase, and you'll automatically be entered for a chance at winning a Starscream Transformers re-release figure! Pretty spiffy eh? Anyway, on with the action figure review. It's a Takara re-release of the original Soundwave and I must say it looks pretty damned good. So let's take a closer look...

McClain: Action-HQ didn't send me anything! What the hell is up with that? Okay. Lemme see... Wow. That's a nice looking box. What's that number 10 mean?

RoG: Hey, did I complain when you got that free subscription to Modern Bride and I didn't? No. As for the 10, well, that's how much money you owe me... but it's also just the number of the figure. Starscream is 9, etc, etc. Most of the shit on the box is written in Japanese anyway, so I hope you've brushed up on your translation skills.

McClain: Yeah, I know what all that shit says. It says, "This toy is #10 in the new line of Gaycepticons".

RoG: Strangely enough, this box has a HOT PINK design scheme. I wonder if Soundwave is pissed about that.

McClain: HOT PINK? What's going on over there in Japan? I mean really, I love Transformers as much as the next guy, but the packaging is a bit fruity. Are you sure that's not Rainbow Brite in there? No, no.. I got it! Transgenderformers!

RoG: Well, I guess there's only one way to find out... surely the full-color pages will explain more about this toy!

RoG: Er, I guess not. Hey, how come my Soundwave doesn't come with a pair of headphones like the original Japanese one did! They even show a picture of it!

McClain: Isn't Soundwave the one that you could put the tape cassette Transformers in to? I'm a bit rusty on my Heroes In Disguise History.

RoG: Yeah, he comes with one of them, but they couldn't actually play any music. I wonder what kind of music Soundwave would play if he could though?

McClain: Probably something pretty like Sarah McLachlan.

RoG: Har! Nah, I think he would probably play something more along the lines of Devo or Kraftwerk. Perhaps Weird Al, he was on the Transformers movie soundtrack after all.

McClain: Yeah, I can see that. So tell me more about this magnificent toy. It's a throwback or an exact replica of the ones released when we were kids?

RoG: From what I can tell so far, it's an exact replica of the original 80's Generation 1 Soundwave figure. Funny though, they call Laserbeak "Condor" for some reason. So I guess we've learned some Japanese today. "Condor" is Japanese for "Laserbeak".

McClain: Hey, is that a centerfold of Soundwave?

RoG: (pulls up pants) Er, what?
McClain: That's pretty rad. What are his interests? Making love on the beach? Picking daisies from the meadow?

RoG: HE'S SO DREEEEEAMY! <3

McClain: I know where that poster is going! Right above your bed next to my picture!

RoG: Your picture? Shit, the last time I saw that thing is when we were running low on toilet paper...

RoG: Behold! I have committed a major action figure collector's no-no... I removed it from the box! *gasp*

McClain: See what you've done! Well, I suppose that since it's out of the box now it'd be a shame not to play with it.

RoG: Indeed, and check out what they stuck on the back of Soundwave - it's one of those rub stickers that tells you if it's an Autobot or a Decepticon. Say, I bet if you had a rub sticker on your back, it would let all of us know that you're a jackass.

McClain: I've got a rub sticker on my nuts. Wanna' check that out? Hey! Wouldn't it be funny if they made it so that no matter how hard you rubbed, it'd never change! Haha! Then you'd get a bunch of nerdy collectors feverishly rubbing away in futile attempts to unearth his allegiance!

RoG: Actually, the real funny thing is that you didn't have to rub them at all. They're heat sensitive stickers, all you had to do was breathe on them or hold your finger on 'em for 5 seconds. Sadly, most people didn't figure this out and that's why so many of the original figures that you find out there no longer have their rub stickers. People wore them out and the friction from all the rubbing made the stickers eventually fall off.

McClain: The only aspect of transformers that I found disappointing is that outside of actually "transforming" they had no functional capacity. Did Soundwave actually play music? No. Did Omega Supreme actually shoot a rocket that exploded? No. And don't get me started on Optimus Prime. How am I supposed to run over my little sister with a sedentary semi?

RoG: Well in the cartoon when they transformed it actually served a purpose, but as toys, yeah, it was kind of left up to our imagination. But you've always used your imagination, that's how you've made all your friends after all.

McClain: Bonecrusher just told me to tell you to shut the fuck up.

RoG: One of the things I always liked about Soundwave is that even I could figure out how to transform him. He wasn't one of the Transformers in which you had to be a master of the Rubik's Cube to figure it out.

McClain: Have they re-released any of the Spy-Cassettes?

RoG: I haven't seen any yet, but if they do, I will be first in line to purchase RUMBLE and RATBAT. Those two cassettes friggin' ruled.

McClain: So, in your expert opinion, do you think Transformers have a secret compartment for genitalia? Because as far as I can tell from these pictures they're androgynous.

RoG: They're robots for crissakes, not sex toys. While I'm sure you've sexually abused your Sony Aibo many-a-time, not all of us are looking to play "who's your robotic daddy?" with our toys.

McClain: How do you know? I mean, look at his left arm! It's obvious that it serves more than one purpose if you know what I'm sayin'! Actually, what purpose does it serve? I have no idea.

RoG: Serves more than one purpose? It shoots friggin' rockets. And no, they're not "love rockets" either.

McClain: So this is CondorBirdBeakCawCaw? That's my rough Japanese translation.

RoG: Yeah that's him, or as most people call him, Laserbeak.

McClain: Yeah. That's it. Taserbeaker. I must say Roger, you have very nice hands.

RoG: Why thank you, I'm available for hand-modeling jobs. And you know what they say about a man with nice hands...

McClain: What?

RoG: I don't know, I was kinda hoping you'd tell me.

McClain: So, this Condombeaker is one of the cassettes? Just goes to show you how archaic our genre of toys are becoming! Kids buying this toy are thinking, "What the fuck is a cassette?"

RoG: Yeah, I guess it'd be hard to make a transformer that changes into a CD. One thing I do like about this re-release is that they include a little plastic tape case for Laserbeak when he's in his tape form.

McClain: He looks all cute inside his little packaging! Almost like a little baby robot all cuddled up in the fetal position... until he's provoked, then he's burning off heads with his napalm breath and slicing off appendages with his wings! HE BRINGS DEATH!

RoG: Which brings me to my next point...

RoG: One thing that always amused me about Transformers is what do they do with their extra parts (like missiles, lasers, etc.) when they've transformed into tapes or cars or whatever? It's not like these things can just vanish into thin air, and Laserbeak's lasers definitely can't fit into that tape case with him.

McClain: Honestly, I don't know. The only Transformers I owned as a kid were hand-me-downs, and by the time I had them they were missing the small parts. And most of the time the big parts, too. Like a head or the torso. I have to be honest with you RoG; I mostly had GoBots. DON'T HATE ME!

RoG: I had GoBots too man, they came in and cleaned up after my Transformers and G.I. Joe figures were done having epic battles. So I guess the GoBots were kinda like the Janitors of War. Still, out of all robot toys, Robo Force were by far my favorites. ROBOTIC SUCTION ACTION!

McClain: Now those things looked like they were supposed to be the ones cleaning up after battle. For the love of god they had vacuum hoses for arms!

RoG: They weren't vacuum hoses! They were "Warrior Robots with CRUSHER ARMS!"

McClain: You're a lost cause.

RoG: Ok, GoBot boy.

McClain: So what's the prognosis on this Soundwave re-release? Is it something I should add to my shelf or should I wait 'till it's in a bargain bin at the local toy store?

RoG: The day that Soundwave appears in a "bargain bin" is the day I'll shit flaming cantaloupes.

McClain: That wouldn't be the first time produce came out of your ass.

RoG: Been keeping an eye on that region of my body as usual I see...

McClain: How large is this toy?

RoG: Uh, I'm holding it right there in the picture Watson, isn't that enough for you to establish the scale of the thing?

McClain: Wait a minute... Where are your headphones plugged in to?

RoG: Well since they didn't include a pair of headphones with this Soundwave figure, I figured I'd just use some of my own. I searched all over for a headphone jack and couldn't find one. So, I just stuck my headphone plug into his ass. He actually has two assholes... must be one of the benefits of being a robot.

McClain: What's it sound like in a robots ass?

RoG: I can't be sure, but I could've sworn I heard John Tesh in there.

McClain: So who would win a fight between Soundwave and say... Voltron?

RoG: Well, let's take a look shall we?

SOUNDWAVE SUPERIOR. VOLTRON ERASER INFERIOR.

McClain: You know what I just noticed? Why is my name second in the title? Why can't it be, "Toy Reviews with McClain & RoG"? I mean, M comes before R in the alphabet. This is bullshit.

RoG: Why am I not surprised... you come first in bed, so it's only natural you'd want it to be that way on the site too.

McClain: I thought we weren't going to talk about that?

RoG: It's 2:46am, I'll talk about whatever the hell I want, Suzie.

McClain: Well, I must say that I'm impressed with Soundwave. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he could kick the shit out of a number of electronics in my garage - including my MP3 player and Genesis 3.

RoG: Soundwave is by far my favorite of the Transformers. His voice alone was utterly badass. If I could have a Vocoder implanted into my throat so that I could talk like him all day long, I would. And I must say, Takara did a damned fine job on these re-release figures. They come in great display cases with sexy centerfolds and everything. *swoon*

McClain: And fuchsia packaging!

RoG: HOT PINK! Can't get more 80's than that I suppose.

McClain: Dayglow r0x0rZ. I just realized something else. Isn't this an odd time of year to do a Toy Review feature? Shouldn't we be focusing on something Halloween related?

RoG: What are you talking about? This piece was all about Halloween. I mean just look at this shit man...

RoG: You can't tell me that this Soundwave review didn't have Halloween written all over it.

McClain: Now that I think about it, one of my first Halloween costumes was the plastic Megatron mask and suit!

RoG: I rest my case. In closing, I'd like to thank Action-HQ again for the rockin Soundwave figure and all of you bastards should go visit them now. They've got a ridiculous amount of cool toys, video games, and more. So help support a great toy site that's been supporting I-Mockery, go visit Action-HQ now! Don't forget If you buy anything from their online store between now and November 15th 2003 and you enter in the promotional code "I-MOCKERY", you'll automatically be entered for a chance to win one of the kickass Takara Starscream re-releases!

McClain: See you next time, you bunch o' tools!

RoG: Well folks, keep in mind, that's coming from a guy who has been photographed humping signs at fast food establishments. Adios.

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