Just about everybody who's into straight-edge or
has kept up with it has seen this little graphic. Now, if you're smart like your
ol' pal Winky, you know better than to believe such a ridiculous statement. We
already know that Straight Edge will die. Many of you have even told me about
how you are writing "O's" on your hands instead of X's in defiance of
straight edge elitism. Well, to aid you in your defiance, I have created a
revised version of the above graphic just for you!
Use it with pride! Feel free to print it out and
take it to kinkos and make a bunch of stickers out of it. Straight Edge WILL
Die! The sooner, the better!!
Here we have one of the MANY sexually deprived
Unfortunately, masturbation wasn't enough for him, so he resorted to...
well, to put it bluntly... he anally raped his best friend.
Yet another straight-edger falls to his own desires.
Nothing is more frightening when two famished vegans begin eyeing you as their next lunch. Trust me, being seen as a Wendy's Classic Triple
burger is NOT fun!
"Gimme that piece of Lettuce" Another
starved vegan climbs on top of
everyone to reach the piece of lettuce that the singer is taunting him with.
Starvation is a sad sight isn't it?
You're not true hardcore until you've had a
bass shoved into your rectum in midair.
A fan, obviously starved for attention, gets way
out of line.
"Yo Holmes, check it out. If you buy this here shiznit, you can
be one of us! Just give us your money... and your mind."
Ah yes. After any true hardcore show, the band
members go into the crowd
and pick out people they wish to give "piggy back" rides to. They give
them "piggy back" rides all the way to their hotel room, where they
will then grease each other up with hot oil, turn on the video camera, and go at
it like wild boars!
Bill Gates announces his video game system: "The
He figures he can beat Sony Playstation sales if he corners
"The Straight Edge Market". He figures it will be easy to assimilate
straight-edgers since they're such an easily manipulated group of followers.
Well, I guess if straight-edgers can't think for themselves, they might
as well let the people at Microsoft do it for them, right?
And now my friends, it's time for
some more highlights from all of the Winky hate/praise e-mails that I
receive. Sorry for all of you who ask me to write you back, I just don't have
that kind of time these days. I get THOUSANDS of emails and can't
possibly respond to them all. Hell, consider yourself lucky if I even READ
your email. Anyway, the following are some of the more amusing emails I received
as of late. The
letters will be displayed in YELLOW with my
responses to them in WHITE. Enjoy!
(name) Doug Gaertner
(Comments) lol... great site. i mean really great site. your not being a jerk... .. i'm in high school... got them everywhere... i was in a fight because i bought skittles (animal stuff in them i guess?!?) in the school store and some MILITANT "straight edgers" confronted me and beat me up... yep... 5 to 1... left me with a broken nose.... all i wanted to do was taste the rainbow. they were the same kids who were goth in 9th, hippies in 10th, and now their the fucking PC avengers... go figure.
Skittles contain 100% alcohol, are loaded with nicotine, and make you have
promiscuous sex. So that's why those straight edge bastards jumped you. Sorry man... typical militant straight-edgers: they can't fight a person one-on-one, so they have to gang up on him 5 (or more) against 1. Hahaha, and they call
people who aren't straight-edge "WEAK" eh? Suuuuure!
(name)209 Hardline- FresnoHL
(Comments) Fuckhead. Congratulations on signing your own death warrant, you fucking
scumbag... but before we put you under the knife, I just would like to know why you refer to people who put Mother Earth and all of her
beautiful creatures above themselves as elitists? You certainly are a confused, stupid little boy...you actually think that we, the
defenders of the innocent, will allow you to continue your transgressions? Think
about the consequences of your actions, moron, because your blood for theirs seems only fair...
What, I'm not a beautiful creature? Damn, I guess I had better
get some of that plastic surgery I keep hearing about. It's idiots like you that would rather kill his fellow man,
er, excuse me... put his fellow man "under the knife", than eat a burger. If "Mother Earth" saw the ridiculous things you've said, she would come to your house,
pistol whip you, rape you and then throw you on the grill and feed you to all of the proud meatatarians across the land.
(Comments) I read your letter on I-Mockery.com's Winky
site and it struck me as so true and profound all the things that you wrote. About halfway through your letter
I realized how fake I was, the only reason I had branded myself with this straightedge
was because I wanted something to belong too that was exclusive. So I thought hey,
I don't do drugs, I don't screw, I don't drink I guess I'll get into
straightedge. So I bought myself a straightedge watch, I started liking
music just because it was straightedge, and I would bring up straightedge in
conversations only to set me on top of everybody else. Well I guess you
could say that your letter made me a convert, now I have no scene except my
own, with my own values and morals and I feel like I'm no being fake anymore.
Another person sees the light. It's letters like this that makes
doing this worth it! Ah, who am I kidding... it's pissing off people that really
makes it worth while. hahahaha.
(Comments) you are such a loser because although it is funny and amusing dont you
have better things to do with you time-you are a 1st class loser but i think
What are these "better things to do" that you speak of? Going on nature hikes and collecting tree bark samples to heat up in a broth of "vegan stew"? Going to shows with a bunch of sweaty kids that are all brainwashed into thinking they're better than everyone else? Sorry, I'd rather be a "loser" and give people a bunch of laughs and annoy all the uptight chumps that get pissed off at this site.
(Comments) Where the fuck do you get off making fun the sXe/hardcore
scene. Im just wondereing what kind of fuckin shit your hillbilly ass listens to,Travis fuckin
tritt? dont worry one day your small little mind will be able to grasp
inteligent concepts on life,not just drinkin beer and eatin burgers while your
brother fucks your inbred mother!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!
Ah yes, the ever-so-popular "you make fun of straight-edge, therefore, you must be a
hick" comment. I love these. I'm not even going to cover your wonderful mastery
of grammar in the above message. Again, you obviously didn't read the contents of this site.
If you had, you would have seen that I DO NOT Drink, Smoke, or do Drugs. And a long time
ago I had an anti-country web site as well, but I lost interest in it and shut it down. Why? Because no matter how idiotic some country fans may be, they'll never be able to top completely brainwashed pedestrian scenesters like yourself.
(Comments) i don't exactly see your point. you make fun of the sXe lifestyle but you give
no reason as to WHY being sXe is so bad. What wrong with not consuming alcohol,
tobacco, and controlled substances? whats wrong with noe engaging in unprotected sex? I don't see what is so wrong with that because by being sXe
you are protecting yourself from deseases, many different kinds of accidents caused by being under the influence. i am well aware of those asses that get all
violent if someone lights a cigarette, and that is just stupid and ignorant of them. People need to be open minded about all different life styles, not just
there own. So if i'm at a show adn someone blows smoke in my face i'll say "please dont' do that" but if they do it again, even though i said not to, then
i might throw a few punches... besides, if anyone has the audacity to be sXe
and then get pissed if someone ISN'T sXe because probably 90% of the world ISN'T
sXe. well i guess i'm done now... byebye
Do I consume alcohol, tobacco, or drugs? Do I have promiscous sex? The answer to
these things is "NO". Am I straight edge? The answer to this is "NO". There's no
reason to call yourself straight-edge and associate yourself with all of the bad
seeds out there in straight-edge land. I know not ALL straight edgers are bad (I've stated
this MANY times, yet people seem to forget that), but there are so many that ARE BAD that it's not worth it. Why associate yourself with the
same people who beat the hell out of others for not agreeing with them? Forget that.
And as far as the health reasons go... I don't do drugs or any of that other stuff
because I've never had the desire to, not because of health worries. Face it. Hundreds
of people who work out and have a strict diet DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY. I personally believe
that this is why cancer exists. Cancer is here to make fun of all the people who try
so hard to eat a perfect diet or whatever... it just shows you that no matter what you
try, you still have the EXACT same chance of dying as the next person does.
That's life. Enjoy.
(Comments) Ya forgot the biggest reason earth Crisis is a bunch of wankers. They have
publicly stated that women who choose to have abortions should be killed. Now, I might be wrong but isn't that a little hypocritical.
AAAHHH!!!! nothing like brainwashing the young and stupid. Just a thought.
Well think about it, the mothers of the guys in Earth Crisis would of had abortions
if they knew that their kids were gonna turn out to be such blundering idiots. Don't
worry... Winky is pro-abortion!
heard the last from Winky!
There will be more Winky stuff in the future.
But Winky's got a lot of other shit to do these days,
so updates don't come as often as they used to.
So in the
Check out the
rest of the Winkyrific humor at: