Dancer [click to listen ]
This track was released as Carmen's first single, and man oh man did
it skyrocket up the charts! Actually, I don't recall it even being on the
charts, which is sad because people considered it to be the best song on
the album. Since it's the first track, I suppose that means it's all
downhill from here. Lyrically, it's quite clear that Carmen Electra is a
deep, tortured soul. This song about the struggles of being a cage dancer
nearly brought me to tears. "Lights flashin', music playin' as I
grind in my cage. Every day and night no matter what I do. Whether wrong
or right, the music makes me ooh in the taxi cab! If the radio's on, off
goes the top and I'm going, going, going, gone!" Poetry. Sheer
poetry. C&C Music Factory couldn't have written it better themselves.
• Good Judy Girlfriend
"All you need is Judy - she's good for you!" Who the
fuck is Judy? I thought Carmen was supposed to be where it's at. The album
even says Carmen is our future, so who in the hell is Judy!? My
guess is Carmen probably just wrote a song about another girl to indulge the
lesbian fantasies of every sad adolescent boy who actually bought the album.
The song starts off sounding like some kid messing with a Casio keyboard
for the first time. Hell, for all I know, Carmen just hit the "demo"
button on the Casio and started rapping over it. The song doesn't even
manage to break the 2-minute barrier, and I for one am thankful.
On (Witcha Bad Self) [click to listen ]
The title alone
made me hate the song before I even took a listen. This funky track is
clearly influenced by the time she spent dancing for Prince, though the
sample of the guy in the background going "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
haaaaaaaaaaaaa!" is actually James Brown. Perhaps it's because I never
frequented the dance clubs, but I just don't know what the hell Carmen is
talking about here. "Party-up, uh-oh! Party up, uh-oh!" Huh?
"You stepped left so I left your butt!" What!? "Come
on C., bring in the regiment." Sorry Carmen, there's no regiment
behind you on this one. You're on your own.
To The Mic
"Funk is in
my round buns, baby." I shit you not, those are some of the
from this song. "But don't play yourself into believing that a white
girl can't jump. That's a sucker move and you know it is a big front."
Carmen, your acrobatic skills aren't what's being called into question
here, it's your musical talent. So please, don't step to the mic. In fact,
away from it. Far, far away from it...
S.T. [click to listen ]
Why she chose to
abbreviate this particular song title is beyond me. Perhaps it was to
create a sense of mystery behind the album. Well unlike the early 90's
craze where everyone wanted to know what "O.P.P." stood for, nobody really
cared about what "S.T." meant. Sexual Tyrannosaurus? Secular
Torture? Nope, it stands for Skin Tight.
This is Carmen's funky rap duet with a guy who wants her Skin Tight lovin. "Let's
chill and sit down, those skin tight britches bustin' stiches, make me
wanna clown." So there you have it fellas, if you want to land a "hawt
babe" like Carmen Electra, simply woo her with words like that and she'll
be yours for the taking. Then she'll make you wanna clown, whatever the
fuck that means.
Fantasia Erotica [click to listen ]
With a title like
"Fantasia Erotica" I was expecting a steamy song along the lines of
Madonna's "Justify My Love" tune. Instead, it's just more pure comedy,
she's actually singing on this track as opposed to the raps we've heard
far. She also announces to the world that she has invented a new
language: "Oh speak American? No, speak Carmenese!"
Apparently Carmenese is a rhythmic language in which people talk about
scarlet bikinis and Lamborghinis. I think I'll stick with English.
• Everybody Get On Up
Getting tired of this album real quick. I almost feel like I've
heard this song before, probably because a lot of these tunes sound the
same. Carmen continues to blurt out wretched
lyrics such as, "This the jam ya'll, get on up!" And while
her speedy auctioneer-like vocals were amusing at times during the first
few songs, they've quickly worn thin on me.
This is just a 30
second clip of someone changing the radio station. All I know is I heard a
portion of a song involving the classic early 90's "Orchestral Hit" sound effect that
made its way into damn near every dance song during that time period. The
fact that this is the first of THREE Segue tracks makes me think that they
were out of ideas for songs. I'm guessing they figured that putting these three
additional tracks on the CD would make the buyer think he was really
getting his money's worth.
• Fun [click to listen ]
Despite the title
of the track, it's anything but fun. In fact, I dare say this is the
stupidest track on the album. It's like Carmen and the band had a meeting
and posed the question, "How many times can we say the word 'FUN' in a
song?" By my count it's somewhere close to about 675 times. Impressive
considering the song is just under 4 minutes. Wait, how is that even
A Little Lovin'
They slow things
down quite a bit with this song. From what I can gather, Carmen is either
looking to get laid or get breakfast in bed. Then again, in her world,
these two things may be indistinguishable from one another. She talks
about tasty treats, delectable flavors, ice cream, hot fudge... the works.
Maybe these aren't even lyrics? Perhaps she's just going down her
grocery list? "With whipped cream - word!" Again, her words,
synthesizers and a saxophone playing over the sound of waves crashing along the
shore. Oh Carmen... Carm, you really ARE the future!
That [click to listen ]
wrote the music to this song, thus instantly diminishing the quality of
his complete body of work. "This jam is for that someone special,
whoever that someone may be." Haha, you see? Even Carmen doesn't
know who that someone special is. Come on, that Dennis Rodman fella was
quite a catch, Carm! Still, it's such a sexy, romantic song. Oh Carmen,
your forced-breathy voice turns me on when you say things such as, "I'm
like a spider in heat in this web of love that you've spun" and "Like
a symphony in the key of l-o-v-e" Thank goodness it's time for a
break in the form of another "segue" track, it was starting to get a
little crowded in my boxers if you know what I mean!
What the!? This
track is nothing but a 12-second clip of a news reporter talking about the
Exxon Valdez oil spill and how environmentalists were clamoring to slow
down plans for oil drilling in the Alaska national wildlife refuge. I
guess this is Carmen's way of showing that she's in touch with the
important issues our society faces. Issues such as pollution, oil drilling
and how the "funk is in her round buns". Beauty, brains... she has it all.
Is My House
[click to listen ]
shit! Carmen is telling her fellow Earthlings, not to ruin this
planet because our children will suffer! "Stop building bombs and
take that money, to build a school and teach the honeys!" You tell
'em sistah! This is YOUR planet! This is YOUR house! Fuck, I'd say more,
but Carmen has just inspired me to go run outside (even though it's 1am)
and collect all the bottles I can find laying around. I'm gonna recycle
for you Carmen! I'm gonna recycle in the key of l-o-v-e baby!