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ALBUMS THAT SUCKED!
 

Carmen Electra - self-titled album

Psst! Hey buddy! Yeah you... come over here. Say buddy, I gots something to tell you, but only on the grounds that you can keep a secret. You can you keep a secret right? I mean, I can trust you, yeah? Ok good, here it is. Carmen Electra is the sexiest female on the planet. She is inevitable. She is addictive. This is our future. This is Carmen Electra.

No I haven't lost my mind, I'm merely reciting the words that are found inside Carmen Electra's self-titled pop R&B musical debut. See for yourself:

Don't worry Carm, your secret's safe with us!

She actually had the balls to place that on her album booklet, or at the very least, she let someone else place those words there. Either way, with an introduction like that, this album is sure to be another failure of epic proportions. She may have been a good dancer for Prince, she may be talented at wearing little to no clothing, but music is clearly not her forte. Not by a long shot. Sorry Carmen, call me a blabbermouth, but your "secret" is no longer safe.

As usual, let's go into more detail about each track and you'll have a chance to listen to a few of them along the way:

Go Go Dancer [click to listen ]
This track was released as Carmen's first single, and man oh man did it skyrocket up the charts! Actually, I don't recall it even being on the charts, which is sad because people considered it to be the best song on the album. Since it's the first track, I suppose that means it's all downhill from here. Lyrically, it's quite clear that Carmen Electra is a deep, tortured soul. This song about the struggles of being a cage dancer nearly brought me to tears. "Lights flashin', music playin' as I grind in my cage. Every day and night no matter what I do. Whether wrong or right, the music makes me ooh in the taxi cab! If the radio's on, off goes the top and I'm going, going, going, gone!" Poetry. Sheer poetry. C&C Music Factory couldn't have written it better themselves.

Good Judy Girlfriend
"All you need is Judy - she's good for you!" Who the fuck is Judy? I thought Carmen was supposed to be where it's at. The album even says Carmen is our future, so who in the hell is Judy!? My guess is Carmen probably just wrote a song about another girl to indulge the lesbian fantasies of every sad adolescent boy who actually bought the album. The song starts off sounding like some kid messing with a Casio keyboard for the first time. Hell, for all I know, Carmen just hit the "demo" button on the Casio and started rapping over it. The song doesn't even manage to break the 2-minute barrier, and I for one am thankful.

Go On (Witcha Bad Self) [click to listen ]
The title alone made me hate the song before I even took a listen. This funky track is clearly influenced by the time she spent dancing for Prince, though the sample of the guy in the background going "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaa!" is actually James Brown. Perhaps it's because I never frequented the dance clubs, but I just don't know what the hell Carmen is talking about here. "Party-up, uh-oh! Party up, uh-oh!" Huh? "You stepped left so I left your butt!" What!? "Come on C., bring in the regiment." Sorry Carmen, there's no regiment behind you on this one. You're on your own.

Step To The Mic
"Funk is in my round buns, baby." I shit you not, those are some of the actual lyrics from this song. "But don't play yourself into believing that a white girl can't jump. That's a sucker move and you know it is a big front." Carmen, your acrobatic skills aren't what's being called into question here, it's your musical talent. So please, don't step to the mic. In fact, please step away from it. Far, far away from it...

S.T. [click to listen ]
Why she chose to abbreviate this particular song title is beyond me. Perhaps it was to create a sense of mystery behind the album. Well unlike the early 90's craze where everyone wanted to know what "O.P.P." stood for, nobody really cared about what "S.T." meant. Sexual Tyrannosaurus? Secular Torture? Nope, it stands for Skin Tight. This is Carmen's funky rap duet with a guy who wants her Skin Tight lovin. "Let's chill and sit down, those skin tight britches bustin' stiches, make me wanna clown." So there you have it fellas, if you want to land a "hawt babe" like Carmen Electra, simply woo her with words like that and she'll be yours for the taking. Then she'll make you wanna clown, whatever the fuck that means.

Fantasia Erotica [click to listen ]
With a title like "Fantasia Erotica" I was expecting a steamy song along the lines of Madonna's "Justify My Love" tune. Instead, it's just more pure comedy, and she's actually singing on this track as opposed to the raps we've heard thus far. She also announces to the world that she has invented a new language: "Oh speak American? No, speak Carmenese!" Apparently Carmenese is a rhythmic language in which people talk about scarlet bikinis and Lamborghinis. I think I'll stick with English.

Everybody Get On Up
Getting tired of this album real quick. I almost feel like I've heard this song before, probably because a lot of these tunes sound the same. Carmen continues to blurt out wretched lyrics such as, "This the jam ya'll, get on up!" And while her speedy auctioneer-like vocals were amusing at times during the first few songs, they've quickly worn thin on me.  

Segue
This is just a 30 second clip of someone changing the radio station. All I know is I heard a portion of a song involving the classic early 90's "Orchestral Hit" sound effect that made its way into damn near every dance song during that time period. The fact that this is the first of THREE Segue tracks makes me think that they were out of ideas for songs. I'm guessing they figured that putting these three additional tracks on the CD would make the buyer think he was really getting his money's worth.

Fun [click to listen ]
Despite the title of the track, it's anything but fun. In fact, I dare say this is the stupidest track on the album. It's like Carmen and the band had a meeting and posed the question, "How many times can we say the word 'FUN' in a song?" By my count it's somewhere close to about 675 times. Impressive considering the song is just under 4 minutes. Wait, how is that even possible?

Just A Little Lovin'
They slow things down quite a bit with this song. From what I can gather, Carmen is either looking to get laid or get breakfast in bed. Then again, in her world, these two things may be indistinguishable from one another. She talks about tasty treats, delectable flavors, ice cream, hot fudge... the works. Maybe these aren't even lyrics? Perhaps she's just going down her grocery list? "With whipped cream - word!" Again, her words, not mine.

Segue
Great, echoing synthesizers and a saxophone playing over the sound of waves crashing along the shore. Oh Carmen... Carm, you really ARE the future!

All That [click to listen ]
Prince actually wrote the music to this song, thus instantly diminishing the quality of his complete body of work. "This jam is for that someone special, whoever that someone may be." Haha, you see? Even Carmen doesn't know who that someone special is. Come on, that Dennis Rodman fella was quite a catch, Carm! Still, it's such a sexy, romantic song. Oh Carmen, your forced-breathy voice turns me on when you say things such as, "I'm like a spider in heat in this web of love that you've spun" and "Like a symphony in the key of l-o-v-e" Thank goodness it's time for a break in the form of another "segue" track, it was starting to get a little crowded in my boxers if you know what I mean!

Segue
What the!? This track is nothing but a 12-second clip of a news reporter talking about the Exxon Valdez oil spill and how environmentalists were clamoring to slow down plans for oil drilling in the Alaska national wildlife refuge. I guess this is Carmen's way of showing that she's in touch with the important issues our society faces. Issues such as pollution, oil drilling and how the "funk is in her round buns". Beauty, brains... she has it all.

This Is My House  [click to listen ]
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww shit! Carmen is telling her fellow Earthlings, not to ruin this planet because our children will suffer! "Stop building bombs and take that money, to build a school and teach the honeys!" You tell 'em sistah! This is YOUR planet! This is YOUR house! Fuck, I'd say more, but Carmen has just inspired me to go run outside (even though it's 1am) and collect all the bottles I can find laying around. I'm gonna recycle for you Carmen! I'm gonna recycle in the key of l-o-v-e baby!

In conclusion...

Yes Carmen Electra can twirl her knockers around a stripper pole like a friggin' tornado, but her dreams of becoming a music star have clearly failed her. Perhaps it's because she tried too hard to not be white, perhaps it's because of song titles such as "Go On (Witcha Bad Self)", or perhaps it's simply because her lyrics and vocals were so insanely cheesy that even a musical prodigy like Prince couldn't make her sound good. Whatever the case may be, you can still hold your head up high, my sweet Carmen. There's one thing we'll never be able to take away from you...

WORD UP MY FUNKY SOUL SISTAH!
CARM' REALLY IS STREET, YO!

Questions? Comments?
Email -RoG-

 

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