•
Gold Digger
[click to listen 
]
As soon as you hear the opening notes, followed Günther's creepy
assertive moan of "I'm so sexy", you know you're hearing something
truly special. And after about the fifth time that Günther goes out of his
way to remind you just how sexy he is, well, you'll just about
start to believe him. SUCH is the power of Günther! He's also quite the
lyricist, dropping lines like "I feel like a king when I'm swinging my
thing". His backup singers, the Sunshine Girls fill the vapid
space of this song with lots of meaningful "la la la's", which is
appropriate, as this is a deeply emotional song about chicks marrying rich
guys for their money.
• Ding Dong Song
[click to listen ]
This song was quite the sensation on the internet for a while, and as
soon as you hear Günther open the song with "Ohhhh, you touch my tra-la-la!
Mmmm, my ding ding dong!" accompanied by the sound of a moaning woman,
you'll see why! I've never heard anyone refer to their penis as their "tra-la-la",
but that certainly gives new meaning to that moment in Labyrinth
when David Bowie cries out "Nothing! Nothing!? Tra-la-la?" in anger (and
perhaps it also explains why his stuffed pants keep getting more and more
stuffed throughout the movie). This song also has the Sunshine
Girls singing lots of momentous "la la la's" in the background, which
create a female counterpoint to the more male "tra-la-la", giving this
song a rich depth of sexually charged social commentary, proving that
Günther is a man who has something important to say. And that something is
"Deep in the night, I am looking for some love".
•
Teeny Weeny String Bikini
[click to listen ]
This song starts
out normally enough, like any other you'd hear in a gay dance club, with a
female vocalist singing about how "this is your night" and Günther
whispering that it is in fact a summer night. Then he inserts an
"Ooh-la-la!" (notice a theme here?) before stating simply "Teeny Weeny
String Bikini" for no apparent reason in his creepy
post-coital-summoning- feelings-of-intense-regret-deep-inside-you whisper. Günther also proves he knows how to come-on to a girl in that oh-so-smooth
kind of way with the line "I saw your body, I saw your lips, I saw you
dancing and moving your hips/you have a sunburn, like chocolada, it's you,
me and pina colada".
•
Touch Me
Here we have
Günther covering an old Samantha Fox song, and the best part about it is
that he actually dug up Samantha Fox from whatever ditch she was passed
out in and got her to do vocals, which is so directly in between of
hilarious, scary and sad that they should probably come up with a new
adjective for it.
•
Pleasureman
[click to listen ]
In this title
track, Günther regularly grunts "I'm your Pleasureman, uh-huh/you will
be my fan, mmm-hmm", followed by a moan that strongly suggests that he
just ejaculated into a soggy gym sock. But really, what else can I say
about this song that's funnier than these lyrics: "I come to you in the
niiiight, with my shining party/In my Ferrari gain the way in for me I can
try a dance...no romance"? And then later in the song he talks about
being on stage stripping, saying "I'm doing my theme in my golden
string". Come on, ladies, you know you all totally want to go to the
club where Günther strips. Don't even try to deny it.
•
Crazy & Wild
This song opens
with Günther asking us "Do you want me like this? Or do you want me
like that?" before the Sunshine Girls start in with some "na na na's"
(apparently he felt we would be tired of the "la la la's" at this point.
The real question he should be asking here is "Do you want me at all?"
because I think the answer is a resounding "NO!" across the board. Later
in the song he groans "take your chance, (only it sounds more like
he says "shance") let's do the mating dance/It's a sexual thing, you
know my, ding-a-ling".
• One Night Stand
This song starts out sounding almost like something you'd hear in a
goth club, until Günther starts singing "In the night, in the
morning/you don't need" and then he never finishes the thought. That's
it. He just sort of leaves you hanging in suspense. Fortunately the female
voice in this song later finishes it for him, adding "to be shy, shy
shy" to finish the sentence. She seems to be a bit confused, saying
that she "never planned for a one night stand/give it a chance it could
be romance", but then later she says "give me a kiss, then bye bye
bye!". Probably at that point the drugs wore off and she wondered what
the FUCK she was doing.
• I'm
Your Man – G.Ü.N.T.H.E.R. [click to listen ]
I absolutely love
this song, because it's trying sooo hard to sound sexy and steamy, with
this saxophone sexing it up in the background, while Günther spells out
his name, where the different letters stand for different adjectives that
describe how awesome he is. For example, "Gracious, Über-Cozy, Natural,
Toyboy, Hero, Enjoyable, Romantic" and then he sums it all up with
"I'm the man". I'm kind of guessing what the Ü stands for, because
it's hard to understand him on that part. Later in the song he gives
himself different adjectives: "Gorgeous, Über-cool, Nasty, Techy,
Hunky, Extravagant, Racey". Oh yeah, when I think of Günther, I
definitely think of how technologically-oriented he is. And I'm sure all
the girls think so too.
•
Naughty Boy [click to listen ]
This track takes
us back to the disco era in a big way, with one of the Sunshine Girls
opening with "You naughty boy!", but the way she says it, it almost
sounds like she's saying "Nazi boy" instead. In this song Günther tells us
"I'm a ladies man, always ready to answer a call". Okay, so he's
basically a male prostitute, is what he's telling us. Later in the song he
says "I am the one who never ever close the door, darling come with
your flower and I will give you more". Okay, so he's a male prostitute
who doesn't even have the fucking decency to close the door when he's with
a client? This Günther has got SOME nerve. At one point in the song he
also advises "I'm your sexbomb. Hold me tight.". Yeah, that sounds
like a great idea. Hold that sexbomb, cuz he's about to explode all
over you!
•
Enormous Emotion (I Love You)
This is another
one of those slow and steamy songs that's trying to be all sexy, only then
Günther starts talking and suddenly it becomes insanely hilarious instead.
In this song he tries to stir up our emotions, telling the woman he loves
that he wants to celebrate his love with "enormous emotions". Yeah,
I'm sure he's thinking of the emotions that are enormous, and not
something else. But the absolute best part of the song is when he says
"I don't love you, because you're beautiful/you're beautiful, because I
love you". Yes, my friends, Günther has the ability to even turn an
ugly duckling into a swan. That is how immensely powerful he is.
• Ding
Dong Song (Soft Core)
We close the
album on a "soft core" remix of the Ding Dong Song, which attempts the
Herculean feat of making the song even sexier than it was before (is that
even possible!??) by slowing down the beat and taking out most of the
upbeat music and adding a piano to the mix. This isn't the same
wet-behind-the-ears enthusiastic Günther we were listening to a mere forty
minutes ago. This is a more mature, world-weary and wiser version of
Günther. It's almost like he knows that his quest to find meaningless sex
is, well, meaningless, but he's still going to get out there and go for it
anyway. Because he is Günther, and that is what he does. His fans are
depending on him.
