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"The Ultimately Insane Warrior!"

by: Protoclown


The third issue begins with Warrior being released from the hospital before a throng of screaming fans. He's confined to a wheelchair and he doesn't look too happy about it. The doctor beside him thinks to himself "Man, I've got some preposterous flatulence", which is an exact thought I think we've all had from time to time, am I right?

"Don't worry Warrior, you've been left in the best care available with Dr. Fartypants!"

A particularly enthusiastic young fan approaches Warrior for an autograph, but Warrior only responds with a face full of rage while fire shoots out of his eyes. The narration box says that the Warrior has made an impression on this kid for a lifetime, basically saying that he's just scarred this poor kid for life. Warrior's girlfriend tells the kid it's okay, that Warrior isn't himself right now, and to just forget about it.

Warrior truly knows how to keep his fingers on the pulse of his fanbase.

Inside his limo, Warrior then yells at his girlfriend, telling her never to make excuses for who he is. He'll be an asshole to as many children as he likes, dammit! Oh man, he's becoming totally unhinged for no reason at all! This is some serious drama here, folks!

"Wait, that was supposed to be my middle finger.
Pretend you didn't see that and we'll start over."

Upon arriving back at his mansion, his chauffeur brings his wheelchair around and offers to help him, at which point Warrior yells "Are you... fucking... kidding me!?" and throws the chair higher than anyone could possibly throw it, presumably launching the chair into orbit.

Warrior throws all objects that offend him into the sun.
Too bad this comic book didn't make the list.

Warrior takes a shower while his woman cries in the hallway, and then he takes off on his motorcycle, leaving her sobbing and crying "I love you" as she eats his dust. They never really bother to explain why Warrior is acting like such a jackass, but his eyes are glowing orange as if he's possessed by some dark force. Warrior probably thought we should have "picked up on that" since it was all so clear in his own head.

This is quite possibly the most unbelievable scene in the entire series.

Meanwhile, back on the Terrain of Testament, Warrior continues to run around aimlessly facing trials that apparently consist of running around aimlessly. Suddenly a plane flies overhead, catching on fire inexplicably and crashing down in front of him. (And someone in the plane thinks to themselves "Man, I just shit my pants!" to the delight of 12-year old readers everywhere).

I think a train wreck might have been more in the spirit of the series...

Warrior (who apparently is not a total asshole in the galaxy of Destrucity, only in the real world) runs up to the flaming wreckage in an attempt to help the people inside. The burning pilot reaches out to him but his Belief Banners tell him he mustn't help them, for they have reached "the end of their evolution" and it's time for them to die. They also point out that there's "no room for altruism" in the Warrior's evolution, so apparently he's now going to become an asshole in this make-believe world too. The banners also refer to adrenaline as "jetjack", which is just silly.

Apparently this pilot did make the "thrown into the sun" list.

Warrior then runs around a bit more, stumbles across two snakes and kills them, declaring that they are "sacrifices in the name of Destrucity". Yes, I'm sure Destrucity will be proud that you killed two itty bitty little snakes in its name.

"Swaziznap?" Now why didn't that one catch on with all the kids?

Warrior runs around some more before stumbling across a manufacturing plant called "Parts Unknown" in the middle of nowhere. We then cut back to the "real-world" Warrior, who is drowning his anger in a bottle down at Slippery's Pool & Suds. Some guy in an NWO shirt tries to pick a fight with him to prove that he's the toughest guy in the bar, and an all-out brawl ensues.

Here we see that the Warrior is not only a master
of combat, but a master of insults as well!

Warrior takes down the final combatant by pulling some green energy out of his ass and using his "mindscope meltdown" to, I don't know, do something to the guy, fry his brain or whatever. Who the hell knows. He screams and then falls down unconscious like all the others, and thus ends our third issue.

What the hell? Now Warrior is pulling random superpowers out of his ass?
What is this, an old Superman comic?

As the fourth and final issue begins, you can't help but notice that the artwork is completely different and they evidently couldn't afford coloring this time around. More on that later. Everything that came before is brushed aside, apparently, as this time the Warrior seems to be in some crazy futuristic sci-fi setting, populated by crazy mutants and robots.

Here's a sneak peak at the upcoming "X-Men 4" by Joel Schumacher.

We are introduced to a band of mutants with stupid names like Stoker, Cease, Stitch, Britch, Jeeth, and Catch, who after having an entire page devoted to introducing them, you might think will have some kind of impact on the story, but they don't. Warrior stands around striking poses in this city/manufacturing plant for a while before he decides he doesn't like it here, and he starts killing people, declaring "get a life, or have it taken!"

I'm still trying to figure out why there are quotation marks in the middle of the word "fuckin"?
Clearly, where the Warrior is concerned, normal rules of grammar do not apply.

Also, in the future, there is a newscaster who looks just like Joey Ramone.

So maybe you think he looks more like Howard Stern,
but Joey Ramone was cooler, so fuck you.

We are then treated to several pages of newspapers and newscasts revealing that Warrior has apparently gone on a killing spree around the world, killing no less than 42 world leaders in the same cities he has wrestled in. Warrior stops off at a truck stop kind of restaurant and some guy starts talking shit to him in the bathroom, so Warrior strikes back with a barrage of bathroom-oriented alliteration before kicking his ass.

I can totally imagine Warrior giggling like a schoolgirl to himself as he hunted
and pecked his way across the keyboard to these fine lines of dialogue.

Before tossing him in the toilet, he asks "Those who know me say it's better to be pissed on, then have me pissed off...now what do you think?" Then he steals the guy's jacket and leaves. A short while later, he's driving in his jeep and for no discernible reason decides to play chicken with two oncoming semis. As his jeep passes between them, Warrior jumps out, clings to the front of one of the semis, climbs beneath the engine, and erupts from underneath and through the driver's cab, tossing both passengers out onto the asphalt below. It just doesn't get more X-TREME than this.

No, the woman chasing after him screaming "I love you, Warrior"
is still less believable than this.

Immediately following this, some guy runs up to Warrior hoping to attack him with a wrench, but Warrior spins around and rips his heart out of his chest... with his BARE HANDS!

Warrior employs a little trick he learned from watching Temple of Doom.

Warrior then climbs up a cliff to survey the wreckage of his victory, and one of his Belief Banners shouts out "Strack him down!" which of course means nothing, because that's a silly made-up word. But I'm sure in Warrior's own mind, it makes perfect sense.

Warrior looks over the edge of oblivion and considers jumping in.
Sadly, this is a much easier decision for the reader.

Just then those crazy mutants show up, and one of them (I think Britch, which sounds like "Bitch"—isn't that hilarious?) shouts out some random shit that doesn't make any sense, again using terminology that only has meaning in the Warrior's own head.

Yes, "Britch" sure loves her lace. Everything she owns is just covered in doilies and shit.

On the very next panel, a giant version of Warrior floating in the clouds with no legs says "one more stop for love" while the trucks get sucked into the sky (to heaven?), and if you think this makes any kind of sense at all, you've got problems. I didn't skip over any kind of explanation for this in my description here, this is just how completely batshit crazy this comic is.

Everything about this moment just screams
"opening theme song" for the Warrior anime series.

After announcing that there's one more stop for love, another personality apparently takes over, Warrior shouts out "NEVER!" in response to himself, and then starts running toward the reader spouting off random angry threats to no one in particular. I honestly have no idea who he's talking to, and it's not clear whether the mutants are even in the same place as the Warrior or not. Of course, I guess it'd be silly to expect things to start making sense now. And thus ends the Warrior comic. There's an ad in the back of the issue that threatens that number 5 "ships in May", but that dark May never came, as the book was canceled due to nobody wanting to purchase the insane ramblings of a costumed lunatic any longer.

Wouldn't this make a great Valentine card?

And now in the back of issue 4 comes my favorite part of the whole series, a wonderful bit of drama fit for any soap opera. But first I must preface this a bit. At the end of issue 1, Warrior writes a brief note to his artist, Callahan, and... well, here, I'll just let you read it for yourself:

With statements like this, Warrior proves once and for all that he is a master of comedy.

Now that you're done laughing at the assertion that these comics represent anything vaguely relating to "perfection", I would like to point out an awesome example of Warrior's impeccable sense of design:

Legend has it that if you can actually read all of this from start to finish, you will become immortal.

There are four pages of this, only one of which is remotely legible (the black text on ugly orange background). The first page however starts with a sentence that piqued my curiosity more than a bit: "Callahan is a piece of shit." Well, isn't that interesting! That's a far cry from the brotherly note at the end of issue 1, and you know, now that I think about it, the art in the fourth issue was completely different...

While I wouldn't recommend that anyone else attempt this ever, I spent upwards of half an hour trying to painstakingly decipher this illegible text to determine what went down to create this rift between Warrior and Callahan. Turns out that Callahan got sick, and then he got lazy, and he failed to turn in pages that were promised after already accepting an advance of half the money on them. So it turns out Warrior has a legitimate complaint here.

But what really gets me is that Warrior then writes a five page (only four of which were printed; he even refers to it as a five-page rant on the last page, but page 4 picks up in mid-sentence where page three concluded with the end of a totally unrelated sentence) manifesto about what a turd Callahan is, and that Callahan owes him, and he's gonna get what's he's due, and he's coming for Callahan, and other things that sound like somewhat serious threats. It's one of the most insane things I've ever read in my life, horrible design issues notwithstanding. This is the kind of insane rant they would have found in Kevin Spacey's house in the movie Se7en. Not to mention it's completely unprofessional to rant about a personal grievance with this man in the public forum of a comic book. So even though Callahan sounds like he's clearly the guilty party here, Warrior is the one who comes across sounding like a total boob.

I'd like to end this by saying that I've read lots of shitty comics in my day; it's part of what I do here on I-Mockery: read shitty comics, then write about them so you can experience the joys of laughing at them without having to slog through the painful bits. I mention this so you have a clear perspective when I tell you that this is BY FAR the worst comic I have ever read. The jumbled, incoherent script for this book makes All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder look like fucking Shakespeare in comparison. The artwork manages to capture all the bad qualities of Rob Liefeld while displaying no merits whatsoever. I'd rather read an entire series about Marvel heroes using Office Max supplies to battle supervillains than read one more page of this Warrior shit. There are entire pages of meaningless bullshit narrative text that I didn't even subject you to. If I had the money to do so I would buy up every copy in existence so that I could ensure they'd all be properly destroyed. If you ever run across these books in the nickel bin and convince yourself that they look hilarious, I urge you not to pick them up. Believe me, it's just not worth it.

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?

Email Protoclown and let him know!


If you enjoyed this article be sure to check out
the special Warrior "Christmas" comic book:

The Ultimate Warrior Raped My Christmas!
The Ultimate Warrior Raped My Christmas!



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