Comics

TALES FROM THE LONGBOX!

"One More Day"
1/8/08
by: Protoclown

Back in 2001, J. Michael Straczynski took over writing duties on Amazing Spider-Man, and hearing all the buzz surrounding the title, I became intrigued and started picking it up. I'd never really followed Spider-Man that closely before, so I'm by no means an expert on the character, but I found myself enjoying the majority of his run and followed it to its completion. Straczynski contributed a few crappy stories here and there ("The Other" and "Sins Past", I'm looking at you), but by and large when the editors weren't mucking around with his stories, he spun some fairly good yarns and introduced some interesting new ideas to the character (i.e. Peter Parker quit his job at the Daily Bugle and became a science teacher, the totemic origins behind his powers, etc). I still consider myself a Straczynski fan.

Unfortunately, his run just ended, and I am now done with Spider-Man. To Spider-Man, I say "fuck you". I am not finished with Spider-Man simply because Straczynski's run on the book is over. No, I am done with it because his last ‘One More Day" story arc was the most horrible, insultingly stupid pile of rancid shit I've read in recent memory.


Little did they know that "one more day" was all they were going to see for decent sales on Spider-Man books.

But it's not entirely his fault. I would go so far as to say it's not even mostly his fault, as you can see the editorial influence all over this story like the blood and feces covered handprint of someone who must really like to touch things a lot.

But first, a brief bit of background: Back in 2000 Joe Quesada, an artist best known for his work on the indie comic Ash (about a firefighter with super powers), became Editor in Chief of Marvel Comics, and he has taken it upon himself to "fix" many of the things he sees as wrong in the Marvel Universe. Unfortunately, his idea of fixing things is to simply bash them with a hammer as hard as he can while screaming "LOOK AT ME! I'M FIXING IT CUZ I HAVE A HAMMER! SEE?"


Joey Q, seen here during his gangsta rap days.

One of Quesada's earliest chest-beating proclamations after taking the job was that he didn't like the fact that Peter Parker was married, and felt that there just weren't very many good Spider-Man stories you could tell with a married version of that character. Mind you, Spider-Man got married back in 1987, so apparently they've been having no problem telling stories with a married Peter Parker for 20 years. Given that 20 years is only a little less than half the time the character has existed, I think the fans have probably gotten used to it now.


You'd better sell your copies of this issue while you can, because Joe Quesada
is on a mission to break into your house and destroy all the evidence.

But Quesada just wasn't satisfied and wanted to find a way to dissolve the marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. But he decided that a divorce was no good, because Spider-Man is a role-model for kids, so having him get divorced is simply unacceptable. He pondered over this for years, hoping to find a "satisfactory" way to end the marriage so he could tell the kinds of Spider-Man stories he thought should be told.

Then along came Civil War, and with it, the answer to Quesada's prayers. In the Civil War story, Spider-Man did a stupid and unmasked himself to the whole world, revealing himself to be Peter Parker (a decision which they planned to retcon all along). Well, wouldn't you know it, some of his enemies decided to take advantage of that knowledge, and the Kingpin sent a sniper to take him out. But the sniper missed Peter and shot his 90-year-old Aunt May instead, which left her in the hospital in a coma.


"Is there a doctor... uh, on the top of this building? Hello?? Anyone??"

For the better part of a year we were treated to a dragging storyline where Peter dressed back up in the black costume (right around the time that Spider-Man 3 was in theaters, how convenient) and was so mad that he was running around punching people way harder than he usually does. It was clear that he meant business. After Peter cried enough about his two-hundred year old Aunt May and bored the readers to tears as well, finally, Quesada's wet dream, "One More Day", could begin.

And considering that it started off with a quality panel like this, we just knew we were in for a real "treat":


The imagery in this panel shoots this up to the next level from angsty teen poem to douchebag college student's "deep" art film.

Who the fuck talks like that? Seriously. We then see Peter and MJ in the hospital standing over Aunt May's hospital bed, while a teary-eyed Peter more or less obsessively punches himself in the balls repeatedly while sobbing "It's my fault!".


This was only moments before a terrible mix-up in which Aunt May got carted off to the Egyptian Museum's special Mummy Exhibit.

A doctor comes in and tells "Mr. Morgan" (oh, what a clever disguise!) that since there's no insurance or anything there's going to be a problem continuing to care for her (Peter obviously can't use his real name because he's a fugitive and they don't use May's real name because that would make her a target for Peter's crazy enemies). The doctor figures out who Peter really is because his face has been all over the news and tells him that he'll try to stall for more time before they transfer the 300-year-old May to the "dumpster ward" out back, because Spider-Man once saved his uncle.


"Woah, Spider-Man! Can you autograph my newspaper?"

Peter determinedly rushes off to solve this problem, by web-slinging his way to Stark Tower, sans costume (why bother?) to confront Tony Stark and ask him to provide the money for May's treatment. After all, it's pretty much entirely Tony's fault that May is in a coma in the first place for making Peter unmask. Stark's security of course informs him of the crazy man who just broke into the tower, and Iron Man tackles him through a window and an aerial fight ensues.


It wasn't until Iron Man got Peter away from all the crowds, the hustle
and bustle of traffic, the noise... that he could finally say "I love you."

Peter gets desperate during the fight and unleashes all of his webbing, creating a Tony Stark cocoon, which is the only way to get Stark to stop trying to arrest him and listen.


"I am Aunt May's mummy husband, and I have come for REVENGE!"

Stark tells Peter that he can't help him directly because he's a wanted fugitive, but he does agree to refrain from arresting Peter this time, out of respect for May. But when Stark arrives home, he arranges for his butler Jarvis to see to it that May Parker is financially taken care of.


"I am as of now purchasing this hospital, so dance like a monkey, slave! DANCE, DAMN YOU!"

The doctor tells Peter that all the money in the world won't make a difference and that she's definitely going to die because she's like six hundred years old, but Peter won't accept that, as he's certain he'll find someone in that crazy crowd of rascals he hangs out with who can help her. Peter puts on his costume and heads back outside to find help. Next stop: Dr. Strange!


"Do you mind, Peter? I am a bit busy - playing World of Warcraft ON THE ASTRAL PLANE!!!"

Peter implores Dr. Strange to just wave his magic hands, or perhaps whip out and stroke on the Wand of Watoomb a little, and make everything alright. Dr. Strange sets him on his knee and explains to him that sometimes in life, people die, and that's natural. Peter says that if she were to die one day at old age (uh, hello? She's already 800 years old) or of natural causes, he could accept it, but that this is his fault, and he is cursed to punch himself in the balls forever every time he reminds people of that fact.

Dr. Strange refuses to use his magic to alter the fabric of reality (because this story does not call for it like all the others in which he does just that), but offers to use an artifact called the Hands of the Dead to transport Peter around the world so that he can ask others for their help. He beseeches aid from the likes of Mr. Fantastic, Dead Girl, Beast, Hank Pym, Black Panther, even Doc Ock and Doctor Doom, but they all tell him the same thing: that they can't help him.

Dr. Strange leaves Peter alone in the room full of powerfully dangerous artifacts to go fetch him a drink, so Peter decides to parrot the incantation uttered by Dr. Strange and use the artifact himself.


Some mother somewhere saw this panel in her kid's comic, thought Latin was "Satanic gibberish" and threw it away.

Peter must have been paying attention in Magic School, because he goes back in time to the very day that May was shot by the sniper. He encounters the sleeping sniper in the building across from the hotel where the shooting took place, and decides if he punches him a lot he just might be able to save Aunt May.


"Take THAT, Professor Charles Xavier!"

Unfortunately for him, he discovers that he's incorporeal and can do nothing to affect the world around him. He decides that maybe he can somehow get his past self to "feel" his presence there and understand that something is wrong, but some crazy time critters attack him at that point and distract him from his goal.


It's the story we've waited decades to see - Aliens Vs. Spider-Man.

He manages to fend them off and rush into the hotel room just in time to rewitness Aunt May getting shot, and realizing there's nothing he can do about it.


Is he trying to save his aunt or COP A FEEL? You decide!

The time critters attack again at this point, and they're just about to kill Peter when Dr. Strange comes in to the rescue, driving them away and teleporting them back into his sanctum sanctorum. He uses his magic to heal Peter's wounds, and explains that he can use his magic on Peter but not for May because of "magical cures for magical ills".

Doctor Strange gives Peter some valuable advice, telling him that he's wasting his time running around trying to find cures that don't exist when he should be at his aunt's side, so that he can be there the moment she expires. But Peter punches himself in the balls and is not convinced. He leaves Dr. Strange's place and encounters a little red-headed girl on the street who tells him "He was right. You cannot change that. But I... can."


"Hey, I know a fun game we can play, little girl! Let's dig through this trash and find you something nice."

The girl creepily says a bunch of things she shouldn't know, and asks Peter "Do you want to save her or not?" and starts walking away. Peter follows and asks her if her parents aren't worried about her. She says no, that they don't worry because she's super-smart, taking after her dad. But she says she'd rather take after her mom, because she's beautiful. Peter assures her that someday she'll grow up to be beautiful, and she counters with "And what if I never grow up?"


In his early years, Spider-Man briefly tried a beret instead of a mask. It didn't work.

We soon understand that this is some kind of vision Peter's experiencing, and at this point all but the densest readers realize that this is a future possibility of Peter and MJ's as-yet-unborn daughter (who will arguably become Spider-Girl). She tells Peter he's selfish and he's an idiot, and walks off, saying that it's time for her to just "let everything go", because by the end of this story, she'll never have a shot at existing.


Milkman Dan annoys the hell out of Karen in his Spider-Man costume.

Peter tries to follow her down the dark alley she's just run into, but she's completely disappeared. He then encounters what looks remarkably like a fatter, nerdier version of himself, sitting on a park bench and reading Atlas Shrugged.


How many guys do you think were reading this and were like "Holy shit! That's me in the comic!!"?

Fat, nerdy Peter explains that he's a video game designer, and he loves playing games and reading books to escape the dullness of reality. He wishes that he lived in a world where real heroes existed and he could save damsels in distress and fight off bad guys with a sword, and he'd be damn grateful if he had the chance to be a storybook kind of hero like our Peter is.


"I'm kind of light on cash at the moment. How much for just a blowjob?"

Just then a car pulls up with some old, rich dude inside who tells Peter that he thinks he saw the girl he was looking for, and invites him to get in. He explains to Peter that he's a rich and successful scientist, and boy did he sure show all those bullies in high school who are janitors and gas station attendants now. Peter comments that he must be very happy then, having gotten everything he'd ever wanted. And this older, obviously alternate version of Peter explains that he's actually quite miserable, because the one thing he wanted most, this beautiful girl he once knew and lost, he can never, ever have. It's as if J. Michael Straczynski himself is saying "Boy Peter, you sure would be an idiot to give up a true love like Mary Jane, huh?" In fact, after each of these little encounters, I kind of expected one of those things you see on political ads, maybe a panel of JMS saying "My name is J. Michael Straczynski, and I approve this message."

The old man lets him out and points him down another dark alley, and Peter encounters a dark and mysterious woman in a red dress.


The Scarlet Witch reveals her sinister intentions to participate in yet another bad story.

The woman in red talks about dream worlds and alternate futures and illustrates that changes to little moments are all that's necessary to change the course of someone's entire life, and shows him that he could have easily become either one of the other versions of himself he encountered. Peter asks in just which reality he would be a little girl, and the woman says that's another story she's not ready to tell just yet. Shortly after this, the woman in red reveals herself to be Mephisto, who is basically the equivalent of Satan in the Marvel Universe.


The ol' "cape with no clothes" is not a style that really works anymore.

Mephisto says that he can save Aunt May's life, and he will be happy to do so. All he wants in return is Peter and MJ's marriage. Yes, it really is as retarded as it sounds.


Even comic book villains want to destroy the Sanctity of Marriage. Where oh where does it end??

Peter finds himself back with MJ and learns that Mephisto approached her with the same offer. Peter is about to tell Mephisto where he can shove his crappy deal, but MJ says "Wait a minute - let's hear him out." She inquires what his terms are, and he tells her to enjoy the world as it is while she can, because she will only have it for one more day.

Mephisto explains that they will not consciously remember making any such bargain with him, but some tiny part of their souls will know that they have lost something very special and that he will take great joy in listening to that part of their soul screaming for eternity. Reality will be altered, and they simply will never have been married. They have exactly 24 hours to decide what they want to do, and at the stroke of midnight the following night, they will either lose their marriage or Aunt May will die.


If I had Spider-Man pajamas, I'm sure I'd wake up in an empty bed too.

Well apparently they waste a good portion of that 24 hours sleeping, because we next see Peter waking up in his Spider-Man costume, noticing that MJ is not there. The reader is left to think "My god! Did he make the deal? Is it too late?" But we soon see that MJ is in the bathroom, presumably puking her guts out over the notion of actually making a fucking deal with the Devil. Also, I don't know about you, but if someone told me I only had 24 hours left before I had to decide whether to make the monumental decision of making a deal with the Devil, I'd probably stay up all night thinking about that shit rather than "sleeping on it", especially if I only had a limited amount of time left to share with a person I loved. I think I'd deal with being a little groggy the next day from lack of sleep.


"I'm kind of low on cash. How much for just a blowjob?"

Peter and MJ talk for a long time, and MJ asks if maybe it isn't simply May's time to go. She is, after all, a million years old, so maybe it's just time for her to move on. But Peter says that he can't accept her death because it's his damn fault she's in a coma, before punching himself in the balls. If she was dying of old age, he'd be okay with it, but knowing that it's his fault she would die would "break him in two". Peter then declares that if the two of them decide together not to save Aunt May's life by not bargaining with the darkest forces of darkness, he could be okay with that.


"Don't... move... MJ. The shadows here are really fantastic. Goddamn, this is one iconic image!"

Peter and MJ spend most of the remainder of their time just holding each other on the floor, when midnight finally rolls around and Mephisto pops back in, ready to hear their decision. MJ points out to Mephisto that even if they do make this bargain with him, nothing will change because everyone knows that Peter is Spider-Man, so some other lunatic will just come along and shoot Aunt May later. Mephisto then explains that he'll be glad to make it so Peter never revealed his identity too, because they have the rarest gift of all: true love "that comes about but once in a millennia", and to take that away from God would be such a great victory for the side of eternal darkness. And it's at this point that MJ blurts out that their answer to his offer is "yes".


MJ accepts the terms of the blowjob, and thus concludes our trilogy of blowjob jokes.

Wait, what? Was MJ not listening? Surely she missed the bit where Mephisto was all like "You have something truly special and rare, far more so than mummified aunts who are even older than I am, and it would make me, the Supreme Lord of Darkness, very happy to take this thing away from you, especially since only a total tard would make that decision."

MJ demands that Mephisto put Peter's life back just how it was and give him a real shot at happiness because of what she can offer him. She then goes and whispers something in Mephisto's ear. We do not find out what this secret is, but hopefully this is something the writers can use as a back door to undo this crappy story after sales bomb miserably.


"Hey! No secrets, you two!"

But Mephisto can't go forward with the arrangement until Peter agrees as well. So with tears in her eyes, MJ tells him to be a selfish asshole and alter fucking reality just like everyone warned him not to do and save his aunt. Peter then agrees to Mephisto's terms.


"You go fraternize with the Devil, my hero!"

Mephisto comments on how he's surprised that Peter didn't think to ask about the little girl from before, causing Peter to shit his pants and ask who she was. In a surprise to nobody whatsoever, Mephisto reveals that the girl was the daughter that he and MJ were destined to have, and now never will.


"Looks like ya dun fucked up, awwww snizzzaap!!!"

Of course, Peter is full of rage when he learns this and MJ has to hold him back from charging at Mephisto, reminding him that they only have a few short seconds left together. She explains to Peter that she believes they're truly meant to be together, that there's no force in heaven or hell that could keep them apart, and that she's confident that they will find themselves together again someday (when a new Editor in Chief takes over at Marvel).

Then we're treated to a collage of memories and happiness before it all goes to shit.


The comic should have come with a little button you press that plays a Journey song or something when you get to this page.

Goodbye happiness! Hello shittiness!


This is the panel where all the prior events of the story should have been revealed as a really dumb nightmare.

The next thing we see is Peter waking up in his own bed, alone, exclaiming that he sure does like having uneventful nights of not getting laid. Yes, I can certainly identify, because each night of sobbing myself to sleep in my cold empty bed is just a barrel of treats, let me tell you.

The next thing we witness is quite disturbing, as Peter comes down the stairs and some off-panel person is calling him "tiger", just like MJ used to do. Well, that's Aunt May. Not only is she perfectly alright, but apparently Peter is now in his thirties and still living with her in their old house in Queens that had burned down in the previous continuity. I gather that he's probably never moved out and been on his own. But given their disturbing relationship, that's no surprise:


Peter traded his hot wife for this. What an asshole.

Peter has always seemed a bit too "into" his Aunt May for my comfort, and shit like this really only makes it worse. Anyway, May's fixing up some "wheatcakes" (they're sort of like pancakes to us normal people) for breakfast, but Peter realizes he's late for a surprise party, so he stuffs his face full of food and rides his bicycle into the city, looking like the world's biggest retard as he yells back at her with his mouth full of food.


I wouldn't trust this version of Spider-Man to save me from an untied shoelace.

Peter arrives at the penthouse apartment where the party is taking place, and can't help but show us what a goober he's become when he gets off the elevator and takes a look at the place, calling the apartment "swanky digs." Soon enough, Harry Osborn gets off the elevator and everyone yells "surprise". Even Flash Thompson is present so apparently the whole high school crew is back together (except Gwen, thank god).


Harry Osborn is so rich he hired a girl to stand around behind him and pose like she's on an album cover.

Harry Osborn has been dead for years, so this is something of a surprise, as it doesn't seem to relate at all to the bargain that was made with Mephisto. Does this have something to do with the whispering MJ did in his ear, or is this just random, stupid, and insane (I'm voting for that one)?

Peter gets to be a ladies man now because he's single, but when approached by an attractive girl who's trying to introduce himself, he's distracted by the sight of MJ getting into the elevator and looking rather sad.


When Peter sees MJ going down on the elevator, a small screaming
part of his soul thinks back... to the blowjob. (Okay, so there were four jokes).

That's all we see of her, and then Harry proposes a toast for his "best pals". Peter refuses any of the alcohol because he doesn't drink and Harry laughs, calling him the "same old boring Peter".

The book ends with everyone holding their glasses to the air (and Peter with his empty glass, oh how symbolic), cheerfully toasting "a brand new day", which is the name of the next story arc. Which I will not be reading. Oh, and to make things even more insulting, they reprinted Peter and MJ's wedding at the end of the last issue of this arc.


You can see here that Peter's organic webshooters are gone, and he
doesn't appear to be very careful about hiding his mechanical ones.

So basically, twenty years of continuity was just fucked up because of an editorial decision that was painfully evident through every step of the story. Hell, instead of Mephisto, they may as well have had Joe Quesada in the story and they could have made a deal with him directly.

They took a mature and growing character twenty years backwards because Joe Quesada didn't think he was "relatable" to his readers (who at this point are mostly adults) anymore. They've done everything short of having him back in diapers in their effort to make him seem younger again. But it's actually just pathetic that he's now a thirty-something guy who's never moved out of his aunt's house (although maybe that does make him relatable to many readers).

The problem with that argument is that for eight years now you've had Ultimate Spider-Man for your young, unmarried Peter fix. Alternate continuity, teenage, unmarried Peter Parker. Not to mention Marvel Adventures Spider-Man and Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, aimed at younger readers and girls, respectively, and feature a younger, unmarried Peter Parker. The nice thing about the "core" universe book was that it was actually different by having a married, more mature Peter. But now that's gone, and all we have left are heaping servings of the same old shit, no matter which "flavor" you go for.

Quesada also didn't want Peter to get a divorce because that wouldn't be a good example for the children. IN WHAT FUCKING WAY IS MAKING A DEAL WITH THE GODDAMNED DEVIL MORE ACCEPTABLE?? Not only that, but pretty much every character along the way told Peter that altering reality was a bad move and pointed out the precious nature of true love. So now our "hero" Peter comes off as not only immoral, but a complete fucking moron for making what everyone else could plainly see was a horrible decision.

Aunt May needs to die. She's an utterly useless character at this point. She does nothing but hold Peter Parker back as a character, and will only continue to stunt his growth. At least Straczynski did interesting things with her, having her finally learn that Peter was Spider-Man (not that it hadn't been done and undone before), which resulted in probably the single best issue of his entire run. But now that's obviously been undone, and she is no longer aware that he is Spider-Man.

Which makes one wonder: just what other shit is no longer valid? Supposedly the only thing that was supposed to be altered was that Peter and MJ never got married, and that's it. But we've already seen that's not true, because Harry is back from the dead. If Peter never took off his mask during the Civil War, would he have stayed on Iron Man's side? Would this have affected the death of Captain America in some way? Is Peter still on the New Avengers? Because if his house didn't burn down he wouldn't have moved into Avengers Tower, and how many events would that have changed? It's going to become a continuity nightmare, and I don't envy the editors with the task of sorting this shit out. Comic geeks are nitpicky creatures and they're going to relentlessly point out every continuity error they find (of which there will be many).

Also, with this "Brand New Day" storyline, Marvel is doing away with the Sensational Spider-Man and Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man titles, because it was no big secret among readers that those books were fucking worthless. All the important stuff only happened in the Amazing Spider-Man book, so only the most hardcore of fans bothered with the others, which weren't very good to start with. But now they're consolidating everything into Amazing, which will be released three times a month. So now the fans can shell out even more money to keep up with the title, of which only one-third of the issues are likely to be any good.

Quesada thinks there are many more interesting stories to tell with an unmarried Spider-Man than with a married one. Gee, I don't know though, I was kind of digging on the potential of that whole fugitive from the law whose identity was known to the whole world thing. How is that not interesting, exactly?

Straczynski reportedly wanted his name removed from the last story because Quesada meddled with it so much that he was very unhappy with the results, and I can see why. My friend Sal put it like this: He grew up reading Spider-Man comics and came to be really fond of the character. So when the horrible Clone Saga (a bullet I dodged, fortunately) came around, he suddenly felt like one of his oldest friends had said "fuck you!" and kicked him in the nuts. So he and his friend spent a long time apart, until Straczynski came on board. He heard rumors that his old friend seemed to be back, and despite some shaky moments where his friend threatened to punch him in the nuts, the rumors appeared to be true. Until very recently, when his friend suddenly kicked him in the nuts again, harder than ever, only this time, it was different. This time, he kicked Sal in the nuts because his parents the editors told him to.

So that is why "One More Day" is shite. I urge you Spider-Man fans not to buy "Brand New Day" when it comes out. Vote with your dollar, and let Marvel know that this kind of shitty deus ex machina storytelling is not worth anyone's money.

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?
Email Protoclown and let him know!

Reader Comments

By Hawkings Chair!
Jan 8th, 2008, 06:00 AM
is it ok to use this comment to say a big "suck my sweaty testes" to Joey "the nut-puncher" Quesada?
i had the misfortune to read one more day at the weekend. :-(

why did he feel the need to take a character who was FINALLY getting intersting again and completely fuck him up and make him unreadable?

methinks JQ may be on the take from DC.

what an asshole!
God I Hate my Username...
Jan 8th, 2008, 07:27 AM
Sounds like the new spiderman will just be one big cluster-fuck of ball kicking.
Enginseer
Jan 8th, 2008, 08:35 AM
So Pete is on his way to become the new Marvel "40 Year Old Virgin" then?
Waiting for the worms.
Jan 8th, 2008, 09:25 AM
Spider-Man is my favorite. He always was. I like him more than Batman even. I haven't been a huge collector of comics...but Spidey just always seemed the ultimate hero to me. Smart, witty, strong enough to take on 6 supervillains at once. I'm glad I don't collect. I'll stick with my 10 issues of coolness. Bad storytelling is one thing - Joey "Crotch Cricket" Quesada is on a power trip. Bah.
From the Home of MST3K
Jan 8th, 2008, 09:56 AM
This is so bad I got bored reading your summary. I mean, even with you cutting out 99% of the crap, and riffing on the book the whole way, I kept thinking "there's gotta be better things do to."

Why can't they let YOU write comics? You seem to know more about Spiderman than the people writing his current books. And you seem to know more about what does and does not suck.
なにをみてんだよ
Jan 8th, 2008, 10:14 AM
I caught a "Venture Bros" reference and a "Red Meat" reference in there... Proto, you need to join fat Peter and I on the bench (yes, that dude looks and acts likes me, goddamnit). I have a nice warm copy of "The Fountianhead" waiting for you.

PS - Four blowjob jokes pushes the FCC envelope. They only allow 3 per article. Be careful or they'll be on you like stink on "The Asylum" (http://www.theasylum.cc/).
Funky Dynamite
Jan 8th, 2008, 01:13 PM
I'm not much of a comic book fan myself, but I love reading these longbox pieces because when something totally ridiculous comes up, I know I'm not the only one wondering "what the hell?"
Ms. Sorghum Molasses '82
Jan 8th, 2008, 01:25 PM
Does anyone else notice a more-than-passing resemblance between "Tubby" Parker and Mephistjoe Quesada himself?
The Magnificent Bastard
Jan 8th, 2008, 01:35 PM
WOW, what a ridiculous way to undo 20 years of continuity.

This story couldn't be stupider if it had Elvis and Unicorns.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 8th, 2008, 01:51 PM
Proto, that was an excellent review. Not only did you spare me reading this, I got to find out what happened in an entirely enjoyable format. Two thing no superhero comic writers have been able to do: Marriage and kids. This leaves Superman the only married vigilante in tights, besides Mr and Mrs Fantastic and their amazing non aging offspring.
Danskjävlar!
Jan 8th, 2008, 02:00 PM
Yay! more Longbox!

But seriously, What a ridiculous idea for a storyline.
Mocker
Jan 8th, 2008, 02:25 PM
Why can't they just let people die? Deaths and other big events mean nothing now, because some magician will just wave his magic wand, or some alien will bend reality, or some ass monkey will go back in time, and set everything "right".

Aunt May, Colossus, Jean Grey, and plenty of others either had really great deaths or would make other characters better by staying the fuck dead.
Fucking Finland
Jan 8th, 2008, 02:28 PM
Quote:
The imagery in this panel shoots this up to the next level from angsty teen poem to douchebag college student's "deep" art film.
This nearly destroyed my laptop.
Inconceivable!
Jan 8th, 2008, 02:43 PM
I don't even read comics, but I read "Tales from the longbox" regularly because you, good sir, are hilarious. :D

Still, good lord, even I can see this story arc's stupid. Poor Spidey, what did he do to deserve that?
Forum Virgin
Jan 8th, 2008, 02:45 PM
Tales from the Longbox ftw! <3333
Chimichanga enthusiast
Jan 8th, 2008, 03:08 PM
I have been an i-mockery reader for quite a while, but finally decided to register to comment on this piece. This whole arc was just SO bad there are also rumors about mary jane gaining probability altering powers now and going by the name of "Jackpot".

Actually I was going to register to request a 'tales of the longbox' on this arc because it is just steaming every marvel reader out there and it is simply horrible, but alas, protclown delivers!
Bane of Zombies
Jan 8th, 2008, 04:27 PM
I really like these summaries, they remind me what comic editors and staff can do to a great character. I may not read many comics, but I can tell when something is a total waste of paper and ink.

I really believe if editors want a new story line, they should branch off from an earlier point and make thier own saga. These sagas should be named after the writers. So if they are like the one above, we can look at the writer's name and see if it is going to be good or not. That way we can all avoid bad comics like these by boycotting bad comic writers.
Snow Fiend
Jan 8th, 2008, 04:30 PM
Great article. I didn't read this story myself (I dropped ASM once 'Back in Black' was over because the Mephisto Fix was rumored looooong before the issue came out), but it is truly silly and Joe's comments since the release of the story reek of "This is for my own personal enjoyment, okay? Who cares what the readers want and like?" Not to mention the infamous "It's magic, we don't have to explain it" line now.

I truly hope Brand New Day fails (sadly, I'm sure it'll initially have great sales thanks to shock and controversy) because maybe we can finally get The Q outta office. He's done some good things as EiC, but he's also done some very stupid things to overshadow all the positives he's brought (Sins Past--which was fully endorsed by Joe and it was he who actually made Norman the father, no more smoking, etc...).

And yeah, MJ's whispering to Mephisto is such an escape plan for when this blows up in their face (not that it hasn't already).
Flash Game Programmer
Jan 8th, 2008, 05:09 PM
Sheesh, I read Spiderman back in the day, and to see the terribly thrown together slant the comic has taken now doesn't make me want to pick it up again.
The Magnificent Bastard
Jan 8th, 2008, 07:59 PM
Here's my impression of Joe Quesada:

"Hi, I'm Joe Quesada. There's a few things that always bothered me about the Marvel Universe.

It's always bothered me that Wolverine is a man instead of a two-headed woman that breathes fire, so I'll have to change that.

Also, I hate that Frank Castle is still the Punisher, lets kill him off and make Aunt May the new Punisher.
And, just for kicks, let's make Spider-man and Howard the Duck gay lovers!

Ha, ha, ha. This is fun!"


Sorry, had to post that.
pickled
Jan 8th, 2008, 08:47 PM
I had no idea this was going on, and after reading it I wish I never did.
Member
Jan 8th, 2008, 09:11 PM
I'm a loose Spider-Man fan, hardly ever picked up a book, I'm mostly bred on the cartoon form the 90s...

And even I feel like I was just kicked in the nuts. I keep toying with getting into comics, I really do. I read parts of the storylines and such on the Internet every so often. I loved all the cartoon versions in the 90s. I loved the Sin City books after the movie spurred me into checking them out I even have nice little local comic book shops to get them from now. But all I see is a wasteland before me.

I'm not spending my money on this medium until people I trust prove to me it's worth it. I heard about this before I ever read the this article, and I tell ya: things like this are holding me back. Do you hear me Quesada? You are pushing new readers away. You are pushing new readers away. I have cash money you'll never get because of your batshit crazy vision. I bet I'm not the only one.
Forum Virgin
Jan 8th, 2008, 09:30 PM
Dear god in heaven, not again. What is it with Marvel? When did they decide to go from story lines that just effected one character, to things like "Dear god Emma Frost sneezed, the astral plane has slipped, and everyone is now a mutant frog!" World changing events were all fine and dandy when they'd come along once and a while, but every few months something new and earth shattering is insane. I'd love to see for something like a new race of aliens come to Earth, just to smack the Earth heros and villans, for effing up reality on such a consistant basis. You know somewhere along the line, someone has to be getting pretty tired of this crap (other then the readers). I liked the off shoot and one off comics, like the retelling of various legends using Marvel characters (Momotaro and the X-Men was particularly good).From the early 80's on I've been into comics, but god's above Marvel, your making it hard! I survived the 90's comic era! You should treat me better dang it!
The Magnificent Bastard
Jan 8th, 2008, 11:04 PM
Spruce Moose:
You just need to differentiate between the comics worth reading and the ones that aren't. Every medium (comics, movies, etc.) has good and bad series, and not everyone's taste is the same.

Personally, I think "Sin City" was a pretty good start. I would like to recommend anything by Jhonen Vasquez. I also think (since you like Sin City) that the manga "Ice Blade" would be your cup of tea. Also, DC's Batman/Superman title has been pretty good lately.
is hopped up on goofballs
Jan 9th, 2008, 12:12 AM
Wait, it gets worse! Spoiler warning, I guess:
http://www.newsarama.com/marvelnew/S...StatusQuo.html
Freelance Product Tester
Jan 9th, 2008, 12:16 AM
I just found out that Quesada will be the "Special Guest of Honor" at Megacon.

I don't know how to link, so here's the URL:

http://www.megaconvention.com/comicguest.asp

That panel is going to be sheer chaos.
Member
Jan 9th, 2008, 12:39 AM
Tetsu Deinonychus: Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind. I haven't given up on it completely, but I hear bad thing after bad thing these days about the various "major moves" the "major companies" make, this being a good example. But folks like you have given some recommendations that I may be compelled to seek out sooner or later, and with that previously mentioned cash money being scare on a college-boy budget, I appreciate hints in the right direction.
Forum Virgin
Jan 9th, 2008, 01:00 AM
Silly me, I thought I´d never see anything see anything worse than that stupid clone thing (The reason I stopped reading spiderman), not to mention that I thought that amazing 400 was a great way for May to die and I hoped they would have the good sense to keep her dead.

Next thing you know Kraven will return as a crazed transsexual cyborg
Forum Virgin
Jan 9th, 2008, 01:33 AM
Let us link arms and take a merry jaunt through the many wonderful things Joe Straczynski has added to the world of Spider-Man!

He had Peter grow up, develop as an adult with actual responsibilities, and make use of his super-smartness by becoming a science teacher. GONE.

He had MJ and Aunt May appear as real grown-ups, capable of insight and decisive action, rather than being tits on legs and a senile old woman for kidnapping by the villain of the week. GONE.

He gave Peter's powers much greater depth than Stan Lee's generic 'radiation did it!' origin would lead one to believe possible, delving into a supernatural world that Peter was unprepared to deal with and offered great possibilities to new adventures. GONE.

He added a few new powers to Peter's repertoire, none of which he had any particular opportunity to explore before the giant Civil War turd hit the faces of Marvel readers. Well worry not, true believers, because now those powers are GONE.

He had Peter and MJ reunite after a long separation in their marriage, and he had them do it in a very realistic manner. Each of them acted awkward and unsure around the other, old hurts plainly on their minds, trust not easily returning to their relationship. GONE.

He had Aunt May learn Peter's secret identity, and for the first time in her withered, ancient life, she didn't just spout off some stupid shit about 'that awful Spider-Man!' Like a thinking, rational person, she spent an issue talking with Peter, came to grips with new and shocking facts, and got on with her life with a new, honest relationship with Peter that wasn't nearly as one-dimensional as when she was too unobservant to notice the guy living in her house running out to fight crime every day. GONE.

But not all is lost, dear fans! Thanks to more of Quesada's invaluable editorial leadership, one sterling nugget has remained through these trying times!

Gwen Stacy still gave Norman Osborn a pity-fuck and popped out two of his kids.

EXCELSIOR!
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 9th, 2008, 01:34 AM
Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

BakaGaijin: I honestly don't remember consciously putting a "Venture Bros" reference in there. Where is it? I have no doubt that I did it, but it must have been entirely subconscious on my part. Definitely glad someone caught my "Red Meat" reference though. I couldn't resist.

Xystus: I vaguely remember hearing about that "Jackpot" thing myself, but I think I had convinced myself it must have been a horrible, eggnog induced nightmare. I guess that's not the case.

Metal Misfit: I fear you're right about the sales for "Brand New Day". Even though the response has been overwhelmingly negative, I think there are still going to be plenty of fanboys who can't tear themselves away from the character. Sure, they'll bitch about how much things suck, but they'll keep buying.

Spruce Moose: There's plenty of good shit out there, or I wouldn't be able to honestly say that I truly do love the comic industry, good and bad. Finding the quality stuff is the tricky part, and if you're just getting started, it can be a bit overwhelming to just sort of dive in feet first and hope you don't end up in a pile of crap. You need a comic geek guide to help you find your way. Keep your eyes peeled on my Comic reviews that will be popping up regularly in our new "Weeklies" section. I'll be highlighting some of my favorite books that I'd recommend to anyone, and sooner or later something in there is bound to catch your interest. (Check out Preacher, dammit!)

hobbsend: I've definitely got to agree on the "major events" front. I like following the major DC and Marvel events so I can know what's going on in each of those universes, but I'm starting to get burned out on this shit. It's starting to feel like the early 90s again, and that's not a good sign. I'm sort of interested in "Final Crisis" just because of Grant Morrison, but "Secret Invasion" can go fuck itself.

rizzo: Thanks for posting that link...I hadn't seen that yet. That bit about his secret identity was particularly insulting. "Magic!"

Rahvi: The fact that I've heard multiple people say that this is actually worse than the Clone Saga (and I don't even see how that's possible, but then, I never read it) speaks volumes about what an utter shitfest it is.
Forum Chaos Lord
Jan 9th, 2008, 02:58 AM
Another awesome article, Protoclown. You never fail to impress.

I honestly thought that the Goddamned Batman was the single most insane thing I saw since Silver and Golden age comics (back when Jimmy Olsen used to randomly get superpowers, par example), trumping even the madness that was Dostoyevsky Comics. I can now officially state, with a mixture of trepidation and outright horror that even that level of insanity has been soundly trumped.

The truly disgusting part of it all, however, is that Queseda forced this up our collective asses after the sheer volume of win Straczynski chucked our way. Much like Batman Begins did for Batman, Straczynski managed to not only humanize the character of Spider-Man (difficult considering his superpowers). It wasn't always pleasant, but after the shit Spidey's been through, I'd say it was a step in the right direction.

Seriously, someone needs to burn Queseda at the stake. When's the last time we've done that? It's been too long.
Forum Virgin
Jan 9th, 2008, 03:47 AM
Were I not lazy, I would have a mission in life now. That mission would be to get hired at Marvel. Once there, I would bide my time, working my way up the ladder. And the very day that Quesada got kicked out on his ass, I would lock myself in the printing rooms and print out the issue of Spider-Man that I'd have prepared for the occasion.

That issue would open in Hell, presenting Mephisto upon his throne of skulls ala Spawn, a bowl of pretzels on one arm of the throne as he munched away. The second panel would show Mephisto clutching his chest with an "Urk!", before he keels over in the third panel.

Page two would show Peter and Aunt May in their living room, with May knitting or doing something suitably old while Peter plays with a ball. Next page, first panel, a sniper pops up from behind a couch like toast from a toaster, shoots May square in the gut. Peter looks up, alarmed, has some internal dialogue about his spider-sense going berzerk before noticing that his aunt just got owned. Next panel has Peter leap to his feet, calling May's name, before the last panel switches the view to directly in front of Peter, so that the reader can see that the house has burst into flames behind him.

Page four opens with the spikes shooting out of Peter's forearms with the classical 'snikt!', immediately before Mary Jane falls into his arms, literally out of nowhere, holding a pair of wedding bands in her hand.

Page five alters the perspective again, this time to a profile shot of Peter so that the reader can see the window at his side, and through the window a television reporter with her camera crew. The reporter is introduced in mid-monologue, with, "...and wrapping up this week's special report on thirty-year-old men who pathetically live at their elderly relatives' home is the worst of the bunch, Peter ParOH MY GOD, IT'S SPIDER-MAN! PETER PARKER IS SPIDER-MAN!"

Page six flashes back to Harry Osborne, who in a desperate bid to kill Spider-Man for the hundredth time has gone back in time to punch Norman Osborne in the balls as hard as he can, rendering his father infertile just moments before his 'date' with Gwen Stacy. His mission complete, Harry gets to smile and say, "I finally got you, Spider-Man. Peter would be so happy for me..." before he's hit by a runaway 80s boy band tour van and dies.

Back in the present, page seven's top panel shows an alarmed Mary Jane, looking around at all of the carnage and asking, "Peter... are you all right?" Bottom left panel shows Peter, looking down at May's body which is now in flames. Bottom right panel shows Peter looking out the window at the news crew.

Page eight is a full page-panel of Peter, a sort of hesitant half-smile on his face as he answers, "You know what? I think I am."

Page nine, another full-page, Peter swinging off to the sunset with Mary Jane.

Page ten, top left, presents Mephisto's lifeless face. Top right, same picture, but with a hazy dialogue bubble by it, MJ's quote of "We're not done yet." from her deal with Mephisto. Bottom left, the scene of MJ whispering in Mephisto's ear from One More Day iss. 4. Bottom right, same scene, a close-up on her dialogue bubble to reveal her whisper as, "I'll throw in a bag of pretzels." Fin.
Forum Chaos Lord
Jan 9th, 2008, 09:37 AM
*Standing Ovation*

You've earned it, Sarcastro. Take your bow.
Bloodbender
Jan 9th, 2008, 10:41 AM
Another brilliant article about another really sad thing.
なにをみてんだよ
Jan 9th, 2008, 01:21 PM
Proto, the reference to Venture Bros (which I guess was unintentional) was the ...ON THE ASTRAL PLANE!! quote. I thought you were alluding to Dr. Orpheus and how he'd always start talking softly and then when he'd speak of THE ASTRAL PLANE HIS VOICE WOULD RAISE!!! So does getting geeky references from things not even intended to be geeky references make me even more of a geek? Well, I have to get back to my Enterprise NCC-1701-C model now. Yes, NCC-1701-C... not even a ship featured in a series. No wonder I haven't been laid in over a year.
Official forum judge
Jan 9th, 2008, 01:34 PM
Proto, I got the final part of One More Day, and I'm totally with you here, and this'll be the second time that I've taken Amazing Spider-Man off my account at a comic shop (lol ). What a completely moronic decision on Joe Quesada's part (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STICK TO PENCILING). Any chance you are going to do a review on the "Messiah Complex" storyline, in the future?
Forum Virgin
Jan 9th, 2008, 03:46 PM
This story makes me cry.
But it's alright to cry.
Crying lets the sad out.
Built in the 80s
Jan 9th, 2008, 04:05 PM
As a long time reader, first time poster, I'd just like to say Tales from the Longbox is one of my favourite features.

Man does One More Day seem so stupid! Great article though!
Forum Virgin
Jan 9th, 2008, 04:07 PM
Protoclown,

Your Tales from the Longbox reviews are awesome.
I love both comics and MST3K, so your reviews are spectacular. I like knowing which comics I'm missing, especially if they're bad. Keep up the great work.

I've never read Spiderman, but am familiar with him from working at a comic book store. What really sucks about Quesada is what he's done in general to Marvel's bigger franchises (M-Day for X-Men is particularly bad). I liked that he brought in high-profile writers and trimmed down unnecessary books at first (JMS for Spiderman, Grant Morrison and Chris Claremont in X-Men, etc), but after a while it's like he gets impatient with steady sales and decides to drop a bomb on us all.

The worst thing, though, is that clearly Marvel needs to capitalize on the popularity of the movies to build their fanbase. They didn't seem to mind the whole Back In Black storyline to coincide with Spiderman 3. If that's the case, why the hell would Quesada split up MJ and Peter, when in the movie they're on the verge of marriage? Any new reader of Spiderman will be annoyed (and hopefully, put off) by this storyline, and of course the hardcore fan will perform voodoo on Quesada.

As far as Aunt May is concerned, I totally agree. You don't want to mess with too much of Spiderman's core (like his costume or attitude), things that define the character's look and appeal. His relationships should evolve, and Aunt May, however beloved, needs to go. If Quesada wanted to rock the boat and do something interesting (and non-sucky), he should've killed her off.

Quesada's worst sin is the cheapness of it all. 20 years vs. 1 month just doesn't cut it. Instead of a realistic treatment of people separating or divorcing, we get a lazy Faust idea. Why not spend the time to make us believe something of this scale could happen? Who really feels glad that Aunt May is alive now? If they had reversed the roles of Aunt May and MJ in this story, it would've automatically become 10 times better.

I know stories like this get reversed all the time, and even though that can be a cheap thrill, it's not unusual. But we know that Quesada takes bad ideas and forces them to stick. Poor Spidey.
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 9th, 2008, 07:04 PM
Sarcastro: Dave, that was brilliant! Seems to me we have to get you a new job at Marvel...

BakaGaijin: Wow, the Venture Bros reference seems totally obvious now, and looking back on it, I absolutely heard him saying the caption just like Orpheus. But like I said, it was totally subconscious. Thanks to the Venture Bros, I absolutely cannot read Dr. Strange's dialog without hearing it in the Dr. Orpheus voice (so he's become like ten times cooler than he used to be, and I've always liked ol' Doc Strange). So yeah, I've gotten to the point where I just think Strange talks like that and I don't even link it back to Dr. Orpheus anymore.

Sniperwulf: I doubt I'll be doing anything on "Messiah Complex". I've actually been enjoying it, so I don't think it's worth ripping apart in a Longbox column, but Max has a Weekly review of it coming up very soon. I disagree with his review, so I'm sure I'll post my thoughts in that comment thread when it pops up.

Negative Zero: I totally dig what you're saying about this alienating new readers rather than drawing them in. Sometimes I get the impression that Joe Quesada and Dan Didio over at DC are having a running contest to see who can implement the most horrible ideas. So far I think Joe is winning, but given Dan's record he could easily turn things around in his favor.

And in other news, today at my comic shop all the copies of the first "Brand New Day" issue were damaged by Diamond Distributors so there weren't any on the shelf. I had to laugh.

However, there WERE variant covers behind the counter that had $20 price tags, and one guy actually bought one in my presence. I so wanted to slap it out of his hand.
Little people!?
Jan 9th, 2008, 07:34 PM
I haven't read a Spider-Man comic in years, but have kept myself informed of some of the major events, such as the unmasking and May getting shot, but I had no idea what "One More Day" actually was, nor did I care that much. A friend addressed some issues he had with the arc, and how ridiculous it seemed, especially Mephisto demanding their marriage instead of, oh I don't know, their immortal souls?

Then, I read the column and chuckled because I always thought said friend was overreacting and it could not be that horrible. I realized that by making it into I-Mockery, he had been right all along. I mentioned you guys to him and he was glad he wasn't the only one that thought "One More Day" was utter shit.

Oh, I also read it a bit later and re-reconfirmed it: it really is shit. I always felt a little bit of remorse for abandoning Spidey, but after this, all was washed away on Quesada's wave of mutilation.

And hi, first poster, but long-time fan of this place.
CEO Boobs
Jan 9th, 2008, 10:28 PM
I think I'll just stick to the movies. Those have never steered me wro... uh. Never mind.
Space Viking Repo Man
Jan 9th, 2008, 11:32 PM
Good review, Protoclown.

Me? I haven't picked up a comic in about seven years and thanks to bad writing like this, I'm glad I haven't wasted my money. If Quesada really has a raging boner about fucking with the Marvel Universe, why doesn't he simply bring back What If and make each 'reality' several issues long? That way he can fuck with the characters as much as he wants and if they take off, he can make a spinoff series. Why not? That way, he can play all he wants and we can still have our serious character.

Plus, What Ifs can take shitty writing since it's just an imaginary story.
OH GOD
Jan 10th, 2008, 05:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octiron View Post
hi
octiron what is your favorite discworld book
Can't even THINK straight
Jan 10th, 2008, 12:18 PM
GUARDS! GUARDS!
Funky Dynamite
Jan 10th, 2008, 01:47 PM
Personally, I'd like to see Spiderman devolve into a Norman Bates-like character. First, he sacrifices the love of his live to save his Aunt May, but soon, her life is in danger once again, and he has to routinely kidnap young women and sacrifice them to Mephisto.

And then, at the thrilling conclusion, he gets into a huge fight with Captain America (who is really just the Punisher in a Captain America Costume).
Little people!?
Jan 10th, 2008, 02:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by executioneer View Post
octiron what is your favorite discworld book
Can't pick just one, I'm afraid, but any involving Death or the Watch is always near the top of my list.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 10th, 2008, 02:10 PM
SPOILER WARNING! Six issues from now Tony Stark busts in on Peter doing Aunt May on the cieling. He upchucks inside his mask and chokes on his own vomit.


Oh, and then it turns out Aunt May is a Skrull.
Chimichanga enthusiast
Jan 10th, 2008, 02:34 PM
I'm not gonna lie. Amazing Spider-man #546, aka "Brand New Day", is the worst comic I have EVER read in my life. I am completely serious.
(don't worry i am not paying for it but i don't want to sound like an ass)




SPOILER WARNING
sorta





The jackpot thing is real.

(don't worry i am not paying for it but i don't want to sound like an ass)
Member
Jan 11th, 2008, 01:48 AM
Well, it's nice to know that this isn't the only website I've found that thinks One More Day sucks...I was checking out the author comments of a webcomic I read and the remarks were "Uhm. Nothing much to add, I guess... oh, One More Day sucked. Yeah. That totally sucked.
That's news, right?"
Given that I'd just read this article the night before, I had to laugh (and share.) Makes me glad I don't read Spider-Man anymore...
Forum Virgin
Jan 11th, 2008, 03:35 PM
It's just typical of Marvel's never-say-die and never-think-things-through spirit!
The Riddle Pimp
Jan 12th, 2008, 09:06 AM
Great article!

I really agree on the idea that it's pushing more people away from Spider-Man, 'cause as awesome as some of the storylines have been, theres been too many stinkers to really get me into him, and One More Day, just confirms he's been screwed around with too much to be a great character.

Also, does anyone else think that what JQ is doing for Spidey is akin to what Joel Schumacher did for Batman?
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 12th, 2008, 11:17 AM
Wow, the Joel Schumacher thing is a good comparison. I hadn't even thought of that before!

And Max, I can only hope your take on things is how they really turn out, but it's occurred to me they could possibly use the whole "Skrull" thing to get out of this mess if they want to. Of course, they could have just said that either Peter or MJ had been a Skrull for a long time, possibly even as far back as the wedding (and thus it never really happened), but then that would mean that one of the two of them had been fucking a Skrull, so I guess Marvel didn't want to go there.
Member
Jan 12th, 2008, 09:30 PM
Hi, long time reader, first time poster, blah.

I don't read comics alot and silly storylines like this are the reason why. Quesada's editorial decisions really reminds me of the numskulls that often run wrestling promotions. Parallels between Quesada and Vince Russo are easy to make.

Mort is my favorite Discworld book.
Forum Virgin
Jan 13th, 2008, 03:52 PM
I read up a bit on this comic, and apparently that little blurb Mary Jane whispers into Mephisto's ear can be magnified, and Mary Jane says that she gets to remember everything.

Hopefully, this is the exit plan we all deserve.
Funky Dynamite
Jan 13th, 2008, 04:14 PM
With all that they've done to Spiderman, I'm willing to bet that at some point in the near future, Quesada is going to entertain the idea of bringing back Uncle Ben.
Member
Jan 13th, 2008, 08:14 PM
That would negate the need for Spider-Man to be responsible and thus the transformation from responsible married man to irresponsible single bachelor would be complete! Just think of the possible story lines, like Peter not using a condom and having to pay child support!
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 13th, 2008, 09:18 PM
Hey Yaanu, where'd you read that about the MJ word balloon? I'd love to see the source on that.
Member
Jan 14th, 2008, 12:01 AM
At one point, GOD HIMSELF told Peter that it was Aunt May's time to die. Hell, even Aunt May told Peter it was time to let go.
Ants Who Ruin Your Dinner
Jan 14th, 2008, 12:08 AM
On the subject of Civil War aftermath, does Protoclown plan to do an article on World War Hulk?
Crazy Russian
Jan 14th, 2008, 01:24 AM
Long time reader, yadda-yadda.

I'm living in Russia and because of that I don't read many comics... I read 'em when I can get my hands on downloadable ones but that's just not the same. But still I surf around wikipedia when I have nothing to do and I'm aware a bit about the current events in both universes.

But this little number? Either Quesada wants spidey to be a self-absorbed nancy-emo boy or he never EVER had a girlfriend for longer than a month.

And, really, choosing Aunt May over MJ? Seriously?

Favourite Discworld book - Small Gods.
Forum Virgin
Jan 14th, 2008, 12:40 PM
This has got the be the 2nd worst story line that marvel has ever churned out. I'll let you all guess what the first one is.
Dr.Acula MD
Jan 14th, 2008, 11:55 PM
Fuck you, Quesada!! You and your Civil War, House of M, World War Hulk BULLSHIT.

Just get Chris Claremont and Jim Lee back on X-Men (Uncanny or otherwise) and everything will be ok.....

Oh, and get Joe Kelly and Ed McGuinness back on Deadpool.....
Forum Virgin
Jan 16th, 2008, 10:31 PM
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 17th, 2008, 12:36 AM
Hrmm...hard to make out, but the last word does look like it could be "everything". Thanks for linking that, Yaanu.
The Power of Grayskull
Jan 18th, 2008, 05:44 PM
Hey Protoclown! I just wanted to say (and have wanted to say for a long time) that I love your longbox articles. I'm not even a comic book fan (I'm vaguely aware of the Marvel and DC universes and the characters therein, but don't follow them or read comics) and I enjoy the articles a lot. You write them well in that someone as ignorant about the medium can understand and laugh along with your pain.
Please keep doing them, and pick up the Clone saga and Brand new day so we can see how bad they are through your pained eyes. Take one for the team!
OH GOD
Jan 18th, 2008, 08:06 PM
if you separate the whisper.png into red/green/blue channels the red channel definitely says "everything"
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 19th, 2008, 01:38 PM
Proto; In one of tgh stupider FF story lines, the Human torch was doing a skrull for a long time, and I think may have even married her. Of course, since he didn't know she was a skrull at the time, the m arriage wouldn't be a real marriage. But get this, when he was involved with her, he thought she was blind sculptress ALICIA MASTERS! So he's doing a skrull, but what he thinks he's doing is his best friends gal! I'll have to go look that up.
Forum Virgin
Jan 19th, 2008, 08:37 PM
I don't know if anyone here's seen "the Incredibles"...but there's a scene where the daughter says to the son: "The bad guys might be trying to destroy mom and dad...or worse..their marriage She was then promptly told that she was being stupid. Apparently Quesada disagreed.
Official Punching Bag
Feb 1st, 2008, 08:25 AM
I for one wouldn't like to see Quesada hired by DC to work with Batman or Superman. But what really irks me is that although we know and love these comic book heroes like Captain America and Spidey, there comes a time in a hero's life where he or she must go down from their mighty throne, and be remembered in their death like the heroes of old (Beowulf is an example, read the Poem, I'm not referring to the movie). Trouble is, the corporate Necromancers that lurk in the editorial desks think that they can sacrifice quality to keep a character like Aunt May alive. Maybe Superman should have stayed dead, but then we wouldn't have had Superman: Birthright or Red Son.

Really good comics, like The Sandman are now finished in their story arcs, but they finished when they were supposed to. Morpheus didn't end up in crappy plotlines like Quesada cooked up. He died with honour.

I know a lot of Manga can be just as bad as American comics, but there are some really good Mangas like Yotsuba&! and Apollo's Song (this last one is a really sad, but really powerful Manga by the same guy who created Astro Boy. And it's only one volume, forsaking the commercialness of the Astro Boy franchise he had in the 50s and 60s).

Maybe it is time we see our heroes die for good. If the old ones never die, though the elderly need to be respected while they live, there comes a time, like Aunt May, when they have to/should go because their time is up, new heroes cannot rise up and challenge new evildoers.

Harry Potter 7 was special as an event because it meant no more Harry Potter. People cared because it was the last time they would ever see a new Potter, after that, they would have to let go and reflect on a hero that changed their lives. I'm taking a "printed word booky-book" approach to this, which is usually non-applicable to comics, but comics should be as good as the best that the most talented authors in the book world can offer, not this commercial "One More Day!" trash that as I called it before, is just Corporate Necromancy.
The Goddamned Batman
Feb 1st, 2008, 06:37 PM
Oooh, "Corporate Necromancy". I like that!
Space Cowboy
Feb 28th, 2008, 09:18 PM
In the final issue of Cable and Deadpool, even Deadpool makes light of Spider-Man having made a deal with Mephisto.
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