"U.S. 1, Part One"
4/30/08
by: Protoclown

...CONTINUED

U.S.: "Avast ye swabs, it's time to cut loose the sails and batten down the hatches!"
Retread: "This isn't a boat, U.S." U.S.: "SHUT UP!!!"

He climbs down from the blimp and back to the U.S. 1, cutting the rope that was securing it away, and the blimp flies off out to sea and into the storm. Regrettably, the blimp has flown out of range of the tracking device so U.S. cannot get any more leads on the Highwayman.

If the angle of this picture is to be believed, it looks like the U.S. 1 is flying into the maze.

The fifth issue opens with U.S. and Retread finishing up their chicken cargo run from the blimp race. Retread is surprised that he would bother after all they've been through, but U.S. is a man of honor, with a real work ethic, and he sets out to finish what he starts. Upon arriving at the destination, however, he is surprised to learn from the Chicken Man that the race has already been won! Perplexed, he asks how this is possible, when suddenly Taryn O'Connell appears and says that she was a secret participant in the race! Oh, snap!

Wow, she even wears a belt buckle with her first initial. That's a bold statement right there.

U.S. feels that this is hardly fair, especially since he was busy being bombed by Lardo von Stretchelastics, and the two of them get into an argument that nearly comes to blows. The Chicken Man settles this by announcing that there shall be a new leg to the race, delivering chicken parts to their distributor, and the winner will take all! While the crates are being loaded aboard the trucks, Retread mysteriously excuses himself for a few moments. Later, as the race begins, Taryn's truck won't start. Could those two events be connected, do you suppose? She quickly realizes that her engine has been sabotaged, as all her distributor wires have been disconnected.

"Why, someone stuffed my engine full of hay, those low down dirty dogs!"

Convinced that U.S. is the one behind it, she quickly fixes her vehicle and decides to set up a little surprise of her own. Sometime later, U.S. and Retread are driving along, talking about the trucking lifestyle, when U.S. spots a Detour sign along the road.

"Look Retread, a detour sign that was obviously hastily posted and written in marker! We'd better follow it!"

They quickly realize that taking said detour was not the safest option...

Adventure? Excitement? A trucker craves not these things.

It's a good thing that nobody else along that highway paid any attention to that Detour sign, considering that it led to a death trap and all. How convenient that only the person who was meant to see it noticed! After dodging more falling rocks (and even some power lines), they realize that there's even more to this death trap detour than meets the eye when they see a giant iceberg up ahead.

Good thing ol' U.S. didn't name his truck the Titanic!

It then starts raining hail and lighting begins to strike all around the truck, and they understand that this whole thing couldn't possibly have been set up by Taryn. After they drive through an earthquake, U.S. decides to use his radar to tap into the satellites and get a sky-eye view of the situation, which somehow reveals all of this in great detail:

In this maze you have a thunderstorm, a waterfall, a tornado, an iceberg, and an active volcano all coexisting in perfect harmony.

Once U.S. realizes they're being herded through a maze, he uses his truck's built-in flamethrower to melt through the iceberg and take a shortcut the architects of this twisted maze weren't expecting! They then have an erupting volcano directly in their path, which U.S. gets past by shooting at it with his recoilless mini-cannon.

"Take that volcano, you old so-and-so!"

Somehow this manages to instantly cool all of the lava and turn it into rocks that they easily drive right over. But just then, a lightning bolt strikes down next to the truck and conveniently knocks out Retread, just in time for him not to witness what happens next. U.S. comes out of the maze only to come face to face with a bizarre alien and his space faring craft!

"If he gets too 'friendly' with those tentacles, remember, he's probably just saying 'Hi'!"

He decides to play it friendly and step out of the rig and greet the alien. He is surprised to learn that the alien not only speaks English, but he speaks CB lingo!

"Pardon me, but I don't happen to have any spinach on my face, do I? I've only just eaten, and god would that be embarrassing."

The alien reveals that it was he who crafted the maze that almost killed them, which he created as a test to see if they were smart enough to pass through, reasoning that anyone dumb enough to get killed by it would probably shoot him first for being an alien freak and ask questions later (do NOT question the alien logic!). He says that his ship is broken down in need of repairs, and U.S. just so happens to be carrying loads of what he needs to repair his spacecraft:

Sometimes when I'm in need of "repairs", smearing chicken parts all over my nipples seems to pick me right up.

I know what you're thinking. An alien race whose technology repair is based on chicken parts? Well, that's patently absurd! But not so fast! You see, any organic-integrated technology will do, so it's not quite as ludicrous as you may have initially thought. The alien reveals that there was another driver with chicken parts who came by before, but she wasn't nearly as nice, so he didn't use hers. He finishes his repairs (i.e. smearing chicken parts all over his ship) and quickly takes off, leaving U.S. feeling sad that he didn't get more information from the alien visitor.

Oh, I'll just bet you wanted to get a "handle" on something, U.S., you dirty minx!

Retread naturally wakes up just after he disappears and of course doesn't believe a word about the alien. At this point U.S. realizes that Taryn has to be ahead in the race if the alien encountered her already. Resigned to defeat, he suddenly picks up a CB transmission in his skull! It's the alien, saying that the least he can do in return for helping supply the parts he needed for repairs is help them win the race. And with that, the U.S. 1 lifts into the air and flies its way to the finish line, easily beating Taryn in the race!

Unfortunately, the chickens were all traumatized by being flung through the air and arrived at the destination quite deceased.

Taryn is of course stunned when she finally arrives, knowing there's no way in hell that U.S. could have beaten her, and yet, there he is, plain as day. Taryn goes off on U.S. for cheating, and that's when Retread comes clean and admits that he was the one who messed with her engine, having felt that he and U.S. got robbed during the first leg of the trip. She begrudgingly forgives him but wants to know how on earth they managed to win the race. So Retread tells her the truth about the aliens (which he believes after being a passenger in a flying truck) and U.S. messes with him by saying nobody's going to believe that crazy story and that he should tell the truth. It's the kind of ending that, if animated, would have had a shrinking circle surrounded by blackness close in on the characters as they shared a hearty laugh, centering on Retread's puzzled face as the others mock his confusion.

Oh come on, U.S. That's no way to treat your partner.

Oh, and it turns out that Taryn really did plant the detour; she just didn't place any of the crazy death traps or bizarre weather conditions inside it. (Just in case you were thinking that her failed plan involved thumbtacks on the road or an errant banana peel--good guesses, both, but incorrect).

Judging from U.S.'s face on that cover, he must have developed quite a phobia of motorcycles.

The sixth issue opens with yet another fight breaking out in the Short Stop. U.S. and Retread pull up just in time to see some poor unfortunate sap flying through the window at an impossible angle and velocity.

Seriously, how can that not be the Hulk inside there?

We are shocked to discover that this isn't an all-out brawl at all, but rather it's merely Wide Load Annie who got angry and threw one man out of the Short Stop!

Yeah, see, there's no way she's not a secret dude.

Turns out the guy is a banker, named Phil LeGreed, yes, that's right, Phil LeGreed, and he's come to warn them that if they don't come up with the money for all the payments they're behind on, the bank is going to foreclose on their "filthy hovel". Seems that while U.S. was gallivanting around with all his super weapons and fancy gadget doohickies, he wasn't actually making them any money, having hardly taken on any cargo runs at all. In fact, he's drained their finances faster than a starving vampire, with all his hospital bills and the U.S. 1 in constant need of repairs (if only they had that alien chicken technology!). They don't tell him this to his face, of course, but he overhears it and feels horrible for the burden he's placed on them. After recounting his entire origin story to Retread (who has heard it before), he resolves to put his quest for the Highwayman on hold and take on some paying jobs to earn his keep. U.S. and Retread come back to the Short Stop after a walk only to find it surrounded by cop cars!

"Sweet, look at all these cop cars up for grabs, U.S.! It's just like Christmas... only this time I'll be riding in the front seat!"

Upon rushing inside they discover that Phil LeGreed has called the local constabulary to arrest that mad (old) woman who totally kicked his ass. Of course, none of the loyal Short Stop patrons back up LeGreed's story and they all lie to the cops about the assault. The cops hesitate at this, but LeGreed pushes them until they finally move to arrest Wide Load. This causes an all-out brawl, where the patrons fearlessly attack the police, smashing chairs over their heads and everything.

Look, a totally out-of-place Nick Fury reference in the top right corner!

In all the hubbub, U.S. grabs Wide Load and Retread and they hightail it out of there. The three of them pile into U.S. 1, but unfortunately Wide Load is so fat that Reload won't fit in the vehicle. When Phil LeGreed notices they've slipped away, he goes outside to stop them, but Wide Load moves her foot over and stomps on the gas, nearly running him over.

Phil LeGreed uses his special banker powers to reach through his panel and try to stop the feet himself.

U.S. realizes that LeGreed will never drop the charges after that, so he decides they'd better get out of town for a while. They go see "Jobber" Carosella and get a cargo hauling job that pays well because it's dangerous. Apparently there's a biker gang that's been terrorizing a little town called Peaceful Vista, and they've been stealing everything that's been shipped into town, leaving the law-abiding citizens with next to nothing. They take on the job, because if anything can handle a few troublesome bikers it's U.S. 1, and when they arrive at Peaceful Vista, they find it a ghost town, with all the people too afraid to leave their doors.

The townspeople of Peaceful Vista learned that they'd be in an issue of U.S. 1, so they got the fuck out of town.

They sit in the middle of the street and honk their horn for a while, and finally the townspeople start having the confidence to slowly come out of their homes. It doesn't take long at all though before the bikers show up and everyone runs back inside out of fear.

Ha! Real biker gangs don't wear helmets! Losers!

The leader of the gang comes up and introduces himself as Iron Mike, King of the Bike, and thanks U.S. for bringing them a fresh load of supplies.

Yes, Iron Mike looks like he's been helping himself to many helpings of those supplies.

U.S. protests this of course, stating that he brought the goods for the people, not the asshole bikers. So Iron Mike decides to rough up one of the locals and throws him into a trash can, spilling litter all across the ground. U.S. becomes enraged (because he can't stand litterbugs) and pops him one right in the jaw, hurting the hell out of his hand.

"And then, the old man jumped out of the shadows and attacked the kids with his CREEPY CLAW!"

U.S. and Wide Load make a run for the U.S. 1 while the bikers give chase, but they make it to the rig in time for a high speed pursuit. They manage to take out the bikers on several occasions by making them slam into the side of the trailer, and they use their tear gas to take out most of the rest.

Not to worry, gentle reader, for the side of the U.S. 1 is cushioned with a pillowy softness, for all who might ram it.

They finally dispatch all of the bikers except for Iron Mike himself, who decides they haven't won until they've beaten him as well. He challenges U.S. to a race, with the prize being the "bossin' right" of Peaceful Vista. During the race, Iron Mike decides to cheat by turning around and aiming his gun at the U.S. 1, but he's stopped by a cloud of smoke that's released from the truck's grill. This blinds him and causes him to wreck into a nearby lamp post. U.S. has won the race! Or has he?

I know that when my vision is obscured by smoke and I totally can't see, firing my gun seems like a wise course of action.

Wide Load surprises everyone by climbing out of the driver's seat. Apparently she had been driving during the whole race! Iron Mike can't handle the fact that he got beat by a woman, especially an old one, so he walks away hanging his head in shame while the townsfolk congratulate Wide Load on her victory.

Look at that one guy. He just wants to grab himself a handful of Wide Load belly.

It turns out that Wide Load wasn't driving the rig at all, but it was actually U.S. the whole time operating it remotely with his silver dollar. As Iron Mike walks out of town, U.S. stops him and asks him if this whole biking operation was set up by the Highwayman. Iron Mike has no idea what he's talking about, and thus U.S. is reminded that the world doesn't revolve around the Highwayman.

Wide Load becomes overwhelmed and walks away to get some distance from the crowd, and after she goes off by herself far enough, a familiar whip cracks at her and puts her under its spell.

Oh, sorry whipcracker! You missed the bullseye because the fat lady was in the way!

Uh oh, gang! Looks like that naughty minx Midnight is back, and you can bet your sweet bippy she's up to no good! Unfortunately, the issue ends here, so we'll have to wait until next time to find out what happens. We're halfway through the series now, and believe me, the second half is even more outrageous than the first. Tune in for the next Tales From The Longbox installment to find out whether or not U.S. is successful in his quest for vengeance! I know you're just dying to find out!

THE NEXT INSTALLMENT IS NOW ONLINE!
CLICK HERE TO READ PART TWO OF U.S. 1!

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?
Email Protoclown and let him know!