"U.S. 1, Part Two"
6/6/08
by: Protoclown

...CONTINUED

And here's five-year-old Timmy Torgeson's winning entry in the "Design your own cover to US-1" contest.

Shortly after Jeff reveals himself and laughs at U.S. for not seeing that he was wearing a cheap Halloween mask, the aliens show back up and say that it's time for all to be explained. Don't get too comfortable though, because things aren't going to be explained just yet, as Jeff shouts up to the alien craft that he's better than U.S. and he will prove it... by wrestling around on the ground, as brothers are wont to do.

This scene had a slot where you had to insert two quarters to continue. It was a very progressive comic.

The aliens quickly tire of his horseplay however and zap Jeff with a ray to make him stop attacking U.S. They say it's time to explain everything, but they require a more discrete venue, as they don't want to become another "swamp gas sighting statistic". So into their trucks they go, and the aliens airlift them away to god knows where.

"MEET ME HALFWAAAAAY... ACROSS THE SKYYYYYYYY!" (If you got this joke, go ahead and level up).

"God knows where" happens to be the Short Stop, and the US-1 almost crushes Retread to death as it drops to the ground right before him. Wide Load Annie charges for the Blackrig with a wrench, determined to make mincemeat out of the Highwayman, but stops dead in her tracks when she sees who it really is.

"But... I thought you would at least turn out to be NIghtcrawler, or maybe even Dracula!"

Meanwhile, Clutch, Grab and LeGreed climb down from the zeppelin and hide in the bushes to see how this is all going to play out. The aliens land and decide to teleport all the Nazis away to downtown Tel Aviv, where they are certainly treated to a stern finger-shake and quite possibly a spanking. The truckers left behind are feeling queasy from the effects of the hypno-whip (but don't remember why), so the three devious realtors see their chance and approach the men, announcing themselves as being from the Board of Health. They ask the truckers to make their job a lot easier by spreading the word about the awful food at the Short Stop that makes people sick.

"So how much 'action' can I get for a five-spot?"

Back to the Short Stop gang, the aliens explain that they had come to Earth looking for the best trucker they could find, to haul freight for them up in space. Since all humans look alike to their alien eyes, they accidentally contacted Jeff instead of U.S., and Jeff, who had resented his brother's success his entire life, finally saw his chance to outshine is brother in one way, so he let the aliens continue to believe they had the right man.

In this scene from Superman III, evil-Superman threatens to throw a bus full of nuns into the sun.

Jeff reveals that he's hated his brother for his entire life, and when U.S. started to get into trucking as well, he knew that the aliens would eventually discover his ruse. So he hatched a nefarious plot to convince his family and friends that he was dead. Unfortunately, the big rig fell into the chasm "harder than he thought" and U.S. ended up with severe injuries, which were actually healed by the aliens, disguised as human doctors. For it was they who came down into the ravine that fateful night, not the Highwayman's demonic soldiers!

"Hi, we're--uh, ALIENS, yes, that's it--from the 'planet', uh, Hell... tron 5. Helltron 5!"

The aliens explain that they actually figured out that they got the wrong brother after the truck crash, but Jeff persuaded them to turn it into a contest, and may the best trucker win. And so it comes that the alien announces that there shall be one final contest, a FINAL COUNTDOWN, if you will, the winner of which will DANCE WITH INHERIT THE STARS!

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I AM A TRUCKER!!!"

I'm sorry to report, readers, that the very next issue is the last US-1 ever to be published. So brush your teeth, grab the tear bucket and strap yourselves in, cuz it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

Note that on this cover, the truck is in the little corner box and U.S. is giving you a thumbs-up
gesture in the main image of the cover. What a twist! M. Night Shayamalan would be proud.

Our final, tearful farewell issue begins with U.S. and friends overhauling the engine of the US-1 to prepare it for spaceflight. Which is good, because I'm a real stickler about realism in stories like this.

U.S. gets all kinds of spiffy alien upgrades to his truck, up to and including the Six-Demon Bag.

Instead of whistling while they work, they (again) recap U.S.'s entire origin story and the other events so far for the uninitiated. Right about the time they wrap that up, Jeff walks in to talk some smack before the big game, reminding U.S. that he's had much more time to practice using the alien technology, so he's bound to win.

Wow, check out those meaty manpaws that Wide Load Annie calls hands!

The Short Stop crew breaks things up, but U.S. expresses concerns over whether Jeff has been acting this way due to the aliens controlling his mind, a charge which they deny up and down. Sorry U.S., your brother is just an asshole, it would seem. After Jeff storms off, Poppa and Wide Load sadly discuss their complete lack of customers ever since the Nazi-Trucker battle, not knowing that Clutch, Grab, and LeGreed are responsible due to the false rumors they've spread about the food. Right after they discuss this, who should show up but the three sinister realtors themselves, who have merely come to remind them that they're soon going to be buying up their property and selling it to the Bongo-Condo development company. Wide Load has to be held back from tearing their faces off, so they quickly scram like the cowardly jackanapes they are.

"Look out, she's a windmillin', boys, and there ain't no stoppin' her once she gets like that!"

The elderly couple retreat back inside, hoping for some peace and quiet, but it would seem that Taryn and Mary are having a fight over U.S., and the fact that Mary kind of tried to kill them all earlier. Yes, tensions are high before the big contest, it would seem, so U.S. and his "buddy" Retread take a romantic stroll that ends with the two of them sitting underneath a tree. Retread falls asleep while U.S. lovingly looks on...

Look at that. The love in those eyes just crackles off the page.

When the dawn comes, the time for racing is nigh! Everyone assembles out front and the ladies all give their kisses and good luck wishes to U.S. Our hero tries to be honorable and shake his brother's hand, but Jeff will have nothing of it, basically giving him a big ol' "fuck you" and walking away. Oh, snap! The only thing worse would have been if Jeff had offered his hand first and then pulled it back, running it through his hair while yelling "psyche!"

"Nice try, U.S. I see that joy buzzer in your hand! You were always so mean! *sob*"

Moments later the two men are off, ready to settle the question of who is the better trucker in one final battle royale the likes of which we have never seen before (mostly because we had no interest).

Has one of these split-face panels ever looked good in the history of comics? No. The answer is no.

Jeff immediately takes to the skies, and U.S. soon follows suit, getting the hang of the new controls rather quickly. But Jeff uses his inexperience against him, ramming him from behind and knocking him from the cab! Uh-oh! Looks like someone forgot to wear a seatbelt!

"Ow, quit it, Jeff! Stop ramming me from behind!"

As U.S. falls, he immediately resigns himself to the horrible death that awaits him upon impact, when suddenly he remembers that he has a mental link with his truck. He summons it to him and falls right back into the cab, just in the nick of time!

I saw this same video about seatbelt safety when I had to go to driving school after getting a speeding ticket.

U.S. shoots out an oil slick, and Jeff just laughs at him, wondering aloud what good an oil slick will do up in the air, right before the oil smears across his windshield, rendering him unable to see! When he finally wipes it clear, he cannot find U.S. anywhere! For you see, U.S. has discovered the advantages of THREE DIMENSIONAL RACE COMBAT!!

"OVER THE TOP, U.S.!! OVER THE TOP!!!"

Jeff realizes that his brother is right above him and slams on his airbrakes, causing U.S. to shoot past. A couple of missiles spell temporary trouble, but U.S. manages to shake them off with some fancy driving. At this point U.S. decides to step things up to the next level, and he flies his truck out of the atmosphere and into the wild black yonder of outer space!

"That's no moon... it's a ball of moldy green cheese! Ewwww!"

Jeff freaks out over the vast emptiness of space and is clearly starting to crack under the pressure, but U.S. must be immune to space madness, because he's cool as a cucumber out there amongst the stars.

You know, for being vast and empty, the space highways sure do seem to be congested.

Jeff then decides he's going to show U.S. a thing or two and ram him, but out in space his airbrakes don't respond as well and he finds himself shooting past U.S. and heading straight on a collision course with the moon!

A few more faces in this panel and you'd have yourself a regular Brady Bunch.

Jeff is fucked! He cannot possibly stop in time and is going to die. Except that the aliens shoot out a beam of light and pull him from the truck just at the last second, meaning of course that U.S. has won the race!

"Awwright, giant sperm! Let's you and me go 'pregnate some ladies!"

He returns victorious to the Short Stop where his friends and family shower him with love, and then the aliens offer him a special position as a space trucker working for them. He hesitates for a few moments, but finally decides the opportunity to explore the cosmos is too great to pass up. Immediately Retread asks if he can come along and the aliens say yes, so the two of them prepare to disembark together.

Few can understand the kind of bond that forms between men of the open road... and the open pants.

The girls lament about how much they're going to miss him, while Poppa and Wide Load slowly walk away, knowing that tomorrow they'll be out of house and home thanks to those nasty ol' realtors. The alien hears their concerns and says that they should move the Short Stop into space--there's always a need for truck stops up there, after all! The two women competing for U.S.'s heart watch him fly away, sadly, and then Mary asks if she can come along as well, and perhaps provide some space coffee. Taryn says that she's just not ready for space trucking yet, so she tells Mary to take good care of U.S. and walks away without looking back.

You're darn right that Mary has a lot of "spunk", Taryn. What do you think she puts in the coffee to give it that unique flavor? Ha-cha-cha!

The aliens then rip the Short Stop right out of the ground and teleport it up into space, and when the realtors bring the guy from Bongo-Condo development company to see the land, he notices that it's glowing, worries that it's radioactive and leaves, all freaked out. And on the last page we jump forward in time to see U.S. and Retread, fresh off one of their rests at the Short Stop, flying off into space on another trucking run.

I can accept a truck flying around in space, but U.S. having his window rolled
down so he can wave out of it is WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE!!!

And there you have US-1, one of the greatest, most epic comic stories of our time. Why this never got turned into a movie franchise, and video games, and roller coasters and lunch boxes, I'll never know. I have to admit that this is one of the most enjoyably cheesy, funny comic series I've read in a while, so I have to give it credit for entertaining me (though probably not in the way the creators intended). I'm damn glad that I saw this comic sitting behind the counter in a local comic shop on that fateful day years ago, and I hope you enjoyed riding shotgun with ol' U.S. Archer as much as I did.

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?
Email Protoclown and let him know!