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TALES FROM THE LONGBOX!

"Ultimates 3: Ultimately Crappy"
02/27/09
by: Protoclown

...CONTINUED

Years later Magneto is putting together his Brotherhood of Mutants and Wolverine decides to join, not realizing until he shows up that Magneto is the guy who attacked him all that time ago. Fortunately Magneto doesn't seem to remember him and accepts him into the group. Before long he gives Wolverine the assignment of killing his weak, girlie son. He's a loving father, you see.


"My son is totally gay, you see. I want you to un-gay him by, I dunno, wrastling around with him or something."

Logan tracks them down in the jungle on their flower collecting tour or whatever and manages to get the drop on Pietro, and just when he's about to stab into him for the killing blow, Wanda flips out, uses her reality-warping powers to create a bunch of dinosaurs, and tells Logan to leave her brother alone. Logan may be badass, but he has to run for his life to avoid being devoured whole by a T-Rex (not that he wouldn't just claw out of the damn thing's stomach while telling it that he's the best there is at what he does). So Logan failed, and that's when he realized that Pietro isn't trying to protect his sister from the world, but rather he's trying to protect the world from her. (Also, he wants to fuck her).


"NOOOOOOO! I'm being written into a Michael Crichton novel!!"

After Wolverine tells his story, Wasp puts together a team to go to the Savage Land and confront Magneto. Wasp decides to send Thor, Valkyrie, Wolverine, Hawkeye and Black Panther to the Savage Land, while she, Captain America, and Iron Man stay behind in New York to investigate the murder scene. As Black Panther is getting on board the plane, Wasp asks him where Captain America is, and he just points back without saying a word. What an aloof bastard.


Snake-Eyes doesn't need to be able to tell Scarlet how he feels about her. She knows. She already knows.

After the plane takes off, Iron Man shows up behind Wasp, and says that he found the bullet that killed Wanda. After much analysis, he has determined that it was specifically keyed to her DNA and designed just to kill her. Yeah, real impressive, considering that Quicksilver could somehow determine all that just from the sound it made when it fired from the gun. Anyway, Iron Man tells Wasp that the bullet was made by Stark Industries, and she reels back in shock that one of his own people made the bullet. He then surprises her by popping off his face plate and revealing that he's not Tony at all, but rather a robotic replacement! And then he zaps her unconscious, with a zapper of some kind. Probably a bug zapper! Oh snap!!


"You could learn to love a face like this, couldn't you, Janet? It vibrates."

The other team arrives in the Savage Land, and as they're getting off the plane Wolverine pulls Black Panther aside and tells him that he knows who he is, but doesn't understand why he's doing what he's doing (which he is not best at doing). It's okay, because none of the readers know why the hell any of them are doing what they're doing. Black Panther's response is to just stare creepily back at Logan. He's definitely the kind of guy you want at your back in a fight, eh?


"Hey, don't think I've forgotten about that twenty bucks you owe me, cuz I haven't. Okay, bub?"

Hawkeye looks around when they get off the plane and asks Logan where the help is that he promised, and that's when Ka-Zar and his girlfriend Shanna show up with a couple of their pet tigers, ready to whoop Magneto's ass. Ka-Zar and Shanna explain how years ago Magneto and his children crash landed in the Savage Land and decided to set up shop there. Things were just peachy for a while, until Mags couldn't tolerate the filthy humans any more and wiped half of them out. So now all the hairless, well-oiled jungle people can't wait to get their hands on Magneto and make him pay for what he's done.


"We're prepared to pose as much as we have to--until Magneto is stopped!"

Meanwhile, back in New York, Janet is being cornered by a creepy Iron Man robot who is telling her that she's witnessing the beginning of a New World Order. Captain America shows up and decapitates the robot with his shield, telling Jan that she should come back inside with him.


Arnold Schwarzenegger as Captain America may not have been the best casting choice for the movie.

She's just about to follow him back inside, when suddenly Ant Man flies out of his mouth, causing him to react the way anyone would when an ant flies out of their mouth, by shooting sparks out of his eyes and melting into a puddle of goo. Or wait, maybe he did that because he's a robot. Initially Janet is upset that Hank violated the terms of his house arrest, but she lets that go since he saved her life from Captain Rapebot. He then somehow tells her without beating her that he knows what's going on and he thinks it's all his fault (it usually is).


"Hey Janet, I totally just dropped a deuce in this guy's mouth! Wheeeee!"

And in the Savage Land, the fight has begun! Hawkeye takes on Sabretooth, who kicks his ass, considering that he's got a healing factor and guns aren't really going to do much against him. But Hawkeye had some backup in the form of a couple furry friends.


My god! Sabretooth is fighting tigers! It's like his entire 30 years of history have all been leading up to THIS moment!

Wolverine and Black Panther take on the Juggernaut, which seems to work out real well for them.


"Who wants to spend an afternoon in the tickle hole??"

Valkyrie finds herself trapped in her worst nightmare, courtesy of Mastermind. Apparently her worst nightmare is to wake up in her apartment with the landlord pounding on the door telling her that her rent is late, while she wonders if she doesn't have superpowers at all and the whole thing is just a dream. She still dresses like a superhero, or a crazy person in this dream, however. In the real world, Mastermind and Pyro look at her twitching, drooling form and try to hide their erections from one another. Pyro, being the upstanding kind of guy that he is, wonders aloud of Magneto would care if they "played" with her a little before killing her.


Valkyrie's mutant power is Thor's greatest fantasy: six breasts!

And in the center ring, the main attraction takes place: Thor Vs. Magneto! Unfortunately, it's a bit anticlimactic, as Magneto points out that Thor's hammer contains some iron and sticks it to the ground. He then causes a mini-earthquake which takes Thor deep underground. The fight is seemingly over.


Magneto: Can't lift the hammer off the ground, can you?
Thor: Nonsense! There were simply some nails sticking out of the ground, and I thought--
Magneto: Oh yeah, sure. Sure, dude.

And back in New York, Ant Man and Wasp have snuck through the vents of Avengers Mansion to see robo-Yellowjacket monologing in front of robo-Hulk, robo-Thor, and a different robo-Cap and robo-Iron Man that haven't been killed yet. They listen as he talks about how the machines are about to take over the world and get revenge on those who have used them as slave labor for so long. Oh, and he tells Janet that the Yellowjacket guy is their son, which is kind of weird because he's a fucking robot.


"By the time we're through with those assholes, we'll be the number one choice
for children's birthday party entertainment in this town!"

The final issue opens with Yellowjacket conveniently playing back a memory tape and recording his thoughts out loud so that Hank, Janet, and the reader can hear his motivations behind his actions. It seems that some time ago, Hank Pym created a bunch of robots for Nick Fury as part of the Ultron project, and one of the robots fell in love with the Scarlet Witch upon first encountering her. Whether this was a result of her reality-warping power, or if this was simply a horny robot (it was programmed by Hank Pym after all) is unknown. Those of you familiar with regular 616-Marvel continuity will know that Scarlet Witch hooked up with android The Vision, so there is a precedent for this kind of robo-love with her.


"I'mma put lipstick on you and dress you up all priddy, Mr. Dolly!"

So when the robot fell in love, he hatched a cunning plan, which involved leaking the sex tape of Tony Stark and Natasha Romanov so that he would retreat into a bottle of alcohol. And the rest of his cunning "plan" involved a robo-Venom that was supposed to kidnap Wanda and bring him to his candlelit dinner, or sex dungeon or whatever. We don't know what he planned for her after that, because she wasn't in the mansion at the time, she was out with her brother.


Pimp-Bot vows that one day he will run the ass-trade in this town with a literal iron fist.
(What choice does he have--they named him Pimp-Bot.)

The robo-Venom melted down into a puddle of robo-goo after its death, and Ultron freaked out that Hank Pym would have put two and two together after examining it, so he eliminated him by tempting him with a bottle of tasty, tasty pills left out in the open where he would find them. Then he followed Pietro and Wanda, just to observe, you understand. He blended into the crowd by cleverly wearing a trenchcoat and a hat, which would be enough to disguise a fucking Terminator, no problem. So anyway, Ultron hears Pietro about to tell Wanda that he will always love her, something that Pietro no doubt says quite often, but this time, something flipped in Ultron's head and he realized that she would never belong to him. No, his sex dungeon would remain empty. So in a moment of passion, he fired a bullet that he just happened to have that was keyed to the Scarlet Witch's DNA (good thing!) and killed her without really thinking.


"Take that, Sarah Connor! BOO-YAH!"

Ultron then reveals that he has kept all of the Ultimates that he replaced with his doppelgangers alive, because the DNA better maintains its integrity when the host still lives. We then see Tony Stark trapped in a glass tube, trying in vain to escape.


If only the tube had been filled with vodka, Tony would be content.

The robo-Ultimates then leave for the Savage Land to enact Ultron's evil plan of provoking an already enraged Magneto into finally launching his all-out war against humanity. Then the machines will just sit back and enjoy the show as the mutants and humans kill each other, after which they'll swoop in and easily overpower the already weakened victor. Magneto is throwing red lightning around (how?) in the Savage Land and has seemingly won when the robo-Ultimates arrive. They get there pretty damn fast too, considering that a lot of the same battles from last issue are still occurring. So either those battles dragged on for a long time, or they managed to get to the Savage Land (somewhere near Australia) from New York City in about half an hour. Unbeknownst to the fake Ultimates, the rest of the real team stowed away on board the Quinjet and prepare to join the battle.


"Say, did anybody happen to pack a parachute?"

Meanwhile, Wolverine and Juggernaut are still going at it (possibly for over a day, according to that travel time mentioned earlier), when the ol' Canucklehead finally gets the drop on Juggy after he gets mauled by a rampaging triceratops. Removing the dazed berserker's helmet, Logan gets ready to stab him in the face with his claws, when all of a sudden Black Panther throws Captain America's shield to prevent Logan from killing Juggernaut! But...but...Captain America was back in New York and would have only just arrived, right?


Black Panther's favorite game is frisbee, but he always picks the least appropriate times to play.

Ta-da! It turns out that Captain America was Black Panther all along! Why? Your guess is as good as mine! There's pretty much no reason at all for him to have played secret dress-up. Wasp asks him why the hell he deceived everyone, especially when he was supposed to have been back in New York City and should have helped out when they got attacked, and Steve just snaps at her that they'll discuss it later (they never do). Apparently the New York group never noticed that Cap wasn't with them. He could have been lying dead in a gutter, or worse yet, in Ultron's sex dungeon and they would have just totally left him. Maybe that's what's got him all angsty.


"I want you all to start calling me by my new code name, Captain Panther. No, no! Wait! Make that Black America!"

Mastermind and Pyro are getting ready to have their way with the basically unconscious Valkyrie, when a mysterious figure shows up in her nightmare world and says that he didn't give her her powers so that she could die. He tells her to get up and slay her enemies, which gives her the strength to break through the illusion. She picks up her sword, decapitates Mastermind, and then cuts off Pyro's hands. We never find out who the mystery figure is either. That ball is just dropped.


"AIIIEEEEE! My hands!! But I was gonna use them and stuff!"

Magneto's red lightning party is then interrupted by the robo-Ultimates, who throw robo-Thor's hammer into his gut, which really kind of pisses him off. He asks who would dare do such a thing, and they tell him that he can choose between surrendering (cake) or death.


"We're uh, we're here for Timmy's party?"

It's around this time that the real Thor pops back up out of the ground and yells "Magneto! By my word as the Odinson you will die this very night!" Robo-Thor gets all insecure and asks Ultron if he talks in that strange way (which isn't really strange at all). Ultron tells him the only way to deal with the problem is to make sure that Thor never talks again, so robo-Thor rushes off to confront him.


PLEASE HAMMER, DON'T HURT 'EM

We then have another big fight sequence where everybody rushes around and starts punching someone else in the face.


Poor Magneto watches sullenly, unable to find a dance partner of his own.

During the battle Ultron/Yellowjacket ends up fighting the Wasp, and as he catches her he mentions that he'd rather not kill her, as he's only begun to experiment with her DNA, and she's almost like a mother to him. Ant Man meanwhile has grown to giant size, snuck up behind Ultron and says "Well, I guess that makes me--THE MOTHERFUCKER!" and rips his head off. It's so ridiculously stupid it's almost awesome, except that it loses a great deal in the fact that the word had to be blotted out with symbols. Everyone knows exactly what he's saying there, so why do they even bother? Do they really think that kids will be fooled by that? "Gee, since I don't know what he's saying, I'm not offended!"


And in another minute, he's about to be--THE SKULLFUCKER!!!

Killing Yellowjacket removes the rest of the robots from play, as evidently he was acting as a kind of server to the rest of the robots, and without him there to bounce their signals off of, they can't function. Yes, he was truly a tactical mastermind to come up with such a flawless control scheme! The Ultimates tell Magneto that they came to find out who truly killed Wanda, and that now that they know that he had nothing to do with it, they'll be on their way. But Mags is still furious and holds them accountable, since without them the robots would have never been created in the first place. Hawkeye, ever the asshole, gets annoyed at Magneto and tells him to "shut up!" while firing a crossbow bolt at him. Magneto can't block it because it's not metal (nevermind that when it's convenient to the story he manages to create magnetic forcefields no problem), so Pietro rushes in front of it, protecting his father and dying in the process.


Pietro realizes how much he sucks and does the noble thing for readers of Marvel comics everywhere.

Magneto is overcome with grief and somehow uses his powers that couldn't block a crossbow bolt to move the earth, creating a mountain that takes him up into the sky. Thor tries to go after him but the mountain moves too fast, Iron Man's battery is drained and they apparently forget that Wasp has wings, because they give up and decide that "he's gone", so they let him go, which conveniently sets things up for him to exact vengeance in the next big Ultimate Marvel story.


"I'M king of the mountain, bitch!"

Later that night we see Magneto grieving over his dead son (who years earlier he asked Wolverine to kill, remember). Having lost both of his children whom he never seemed to give a shit about before, he is overcome with grief and vows vengeance on the world. As he walks out of the room we see a single tear form in the eye of the supposedly dead Quicksilver.


"They will pay the ULTIMATE price--because they're the ULTIMATES! Get it? Anyone? No?"

The Ultimates are getting ready to depart the Savage Land when they tell Ka-Zar and Shanna that they need to come hang out in New York and do some shopping (which Shanna is quite excited about). Captain America reminds Hank Pym that when they get back he's still under house arrest, and Wasp goes off on him, telling him that while he was running around in his black footie pajamas, her husband saved the day so he's back on the team, and if he doesn't like it he can basically go to hell. Again, why was Captain America running around as Black Panther? We will probably never know. It's just as well--it was probably a really dumb reason anyway.


Wasp dishes up a heapin' helping of some SASS.

We then inexplicably cut to a ludicrous scene where we see a metal hand crushing the head of Ultron in "an undisclosed location". Well, since Ultron's head was left in the Savage Land (or taken by the Ultimates back to their base), I guess that kind of discloses the location, doesn't it? Anyway, a mysterious unseen figure gloats about how every part of the sinister scheme, starting with the murder of the Scarlet Witch was all according to his plan. Then we see that it was Dr. Doom who was behind everything the whole time! WHY!??? What reason would Doom possibly have to "mastermind" something that fucking stupid? Unfortunately we don't find out because the story ends right there.


"DOOM did not WANT to be in this shitty comic, but they put him in it anyway. DOOM will have his revenge, oh yes."

Presumably we will find out the answers to these questions in the currently ongoing "Ultimatum" event that's supposed to destroy the Ultimate universe and reboot it into something else (something crappier if these books are any indication of their direction). But does anyone really care why Captain America was Black Panther? Or why Dr. Doom needs to be behind everything when Magneto is perfectly capable of destroying the earth for his own reasons?

Unfortunately for Marvel, they believe that we readers will care enough to bother following the next train wreck of a series Jeph Loeb spits out. I was willing to ride this one out because once I was on board, I had become fascinated by the train wreck and morbid curiosity made me desire to know where it was going. Not so with "Ultimatum", though I'll probably cave and read it anyway just for a Longbox column if I hear it's bad enough. Just as long as I don't spend any money on the damned thing. We vote with our dollar after all, and this is one comic I vote to impeach!

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?
Email Protoclown and let him know!

Reader Comments

Last of the Time Lords
Feb 27th, 2009, 08:15 AM
"Wolver-fucker-ine". I'm totally going to start calling him that.

And does anyone else think that if mutants really existed, the term "mutie" would be WAY too silly sounding to ever be offensive, no matter how hatefully some redneck shouts it?

Here's hoping Loeb recovers from his tragedy and finds his muse again. He's done some excellent work in the past (Long Halloween rocks), and I'd hate to lose a writer of that caliber.
Member
Feb 27th, 2009, 09:28 AM
Between this and the new Hulk series I can't help but wonder why Jeff Loeb is trying to get fired from Marvel.
hanging out
Feb 27th, 2009, 11:23 AM
that Cap/Black panther thing is weird. I didn't read this series obviously, just your article, but in a team that small they never noticed they weren't in the same room a the same time? Its that old sitcom gag. "You're looking for Black panther? I saw him down the hall. Let me go get him for you." (Captain America exits, changes clothes, reenters as Black Panther.)
Plus it appears he changed clothes in the middle of the savage land fight. of course if was doing that old sitcom in and out of rooms he must have got pretty good at the quick change.
Member
Feb 27th, 2009, 11:31 AM
Also, no one's ever explained how Doom got back from the Marvel Zombiverse.
What Video Games?
Feb 27th, 2009, 11:43 AM
Sooooo this is what I've been missing out on reading Marvel comics? My head hurts.
The Ugly Puckling
Feb 27th, 2009, 12:25 PM
Don't lump the Ultimate universe in with genuine Marvel comics. Everything in it has been utterly stupid fad obeying crap. Steve Rogers is a mentally handicapped facist, The Incredible Hulk is a cannibal, so on an so forth. It isn't "edgy" "new" or even slightly entertaining, it is the exact kind of sputum that Image comics spent the entire 90's spitting out at an alarming rate, and that even at the worst of the Clone Saga, Marvel comics stayed superior to.


Mark Miller is an overrated hack that hates comic books, Loeb is an overworked creatively exhausted but talented man, and neither one of them should ever work again for DC or Marvel comics.


EDIT - I forgot to mention, I like the art style though, it's a bit peculiar for a superhero comic book but the artist would work well teamed up with a more mystically oriented book.
Ba dum dum dum dum
Feb 27th, 2009, 12:39 PM
In the next comic, we'll get to see DOOM fail, with Magneto now watching him on a secret camera from an undisclosed location, commenting on how things are fitting into his plans, when from behind that we'll see that DOOM is really watching Magneto watch himself and how that's falling into his plans.

Then DOOM will pull off his mask to reveal that he's a robot underneath, which will whirr and open to reveal that it's really Captain America, who will comment that 'He's the best at what he does' and wink at the reader so that we can be foreshadowed that it's really Wolverine.

And in the end it will all turn out as a plan set up by Ant-man while he was stuck in house arrest to create conflicts and danger so that his wife would get beaten up when he wasn't around to make sure she got the slapping around she needed.
The Magnificent Bastard
Feb 27th, 2009, 12:40 PM
OMG this is a clusterfuck! (and I don't use the term "clusterfuck" very often)

I am sooo glad I never bothered with the "Ultimate" universe

This plays out more like a bad parody then an actual story.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Feb 27th, 2009, 02:01 PM
First of all, damn fine aticle, proto. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Reading your synopsis/interpretation put a fine point on what irritated me most about this book.

I disagree strongly with a previous poster, and think Milar did truly excellent work on his run. His ultimates were fully written charcaters with complictaed, adult motivations and emotions. His Iron man wasn't just a central casting drunk, he was a genius with a terminal condition who was drinking. A hedonist most of the time carefully putting certain aspects of his character up front and daring people to guess what he cared about and how much. It was the only, only, only time I've evr seen iron man written well.

I could go on about how Milar handled other characters, but I won't. My main point is that he wrote them well. Loeb gave everybody, villians and heroes, a cliched pose of grim determination, and then layered on a single trait for each onwe with a clumsy brush. Hawkeye is deathwish guy. Wasp is Now I'm In harge Girl. Cap is I Have a secret plan guy. Thor is angry sex guy. Valkery is hot teenager. Its all so infantile, like a middleschool class role playing and seeing who they cabn shock by how much they know about sex and drugs and other things they've seen in movies.
Member
Feb 27th, 2009, 03:53 PM
I'm sure nobody is going to miss the Ultimates when Ultimatum kills 'em off (esp. after this debacle) but I wish they had the common sense to leave Ultimate Spider-man out of it. I't the only Ultimate comic book that's readable!
skank pronger
Feb 27th, 2009, 05:08 PM
Great review, Proto. Nobody takes the piss out of things like you. Which reminds me...there's still the matter of ten things you like and hate about Episode 3.
Forum Virgin
Feb 27th, 2009, 06:49 PM
Alcibiades
You know, its sad just how right you probably are.
Forgets Passwords Easily
Feb 27th, 2009, 08:55 PM
So then was there even a real Black panther? And if so, where the hell was he?
Member
Feb 28th, 2009, 12:45 AM
Anyone else do a double take during Yellowjacket's monologue about how humans think of the machines as "Toasters, alarm clocks, and vibrators" or was that just me?
The Ugly Puckling
Feb 28th, 2009, 12:52 AM
I don't think a vibrator is a machine.

My wife says hers could replace me anytime, so they're more of a man then me.
Fanboy
Feb 28th, 2009, 02:13 AM
Another fine roasting; I love the Longboxes. Such a waste of some amazing art here. The Ultimates started out so strong, but that impetus was lost for reasons explained above by Messrs Protoclown and Burbank. Vol 3 was definitely a title too far. Ruining the awesome potential of "Heroes" was one thing, but did he have to do this as well?

Masochist/True Believer that I am, I still collected it of course, and also happen to getting 'Ultimatium' as well. Let me assure you, in only two issues it has produced crap of a magnitude unseen in comic book history - the greatest highlight being the systematic slaughter of most of the Ultimate characters, like when...

...now here's a SPOILER truly worthy of the word...

Ultimate Blob is discovered eating Ultimate Wasp alive. Janet was probably better off with the exploding-Skrulls-thing in SI, eh? It kind of symbolises the X-TREME!!! mindlessness of the 'Ultimates' style in it's ugliest form.

Oh yeah, and:
http://www.4thletter.net/2007/12/ult...-week-day-one/
"Shove your moose in my squirrel, comrade! YUMSKI!"
JTN JTN is offline
Moongaze Climber
Feb 28th, 2009, 02:47 AM
I don't know why Jeph Loeb has the desire to fit as many outside characters in his stories as he can. In this story alone we have a good Half of the Cast of X-Men, the two most popular characters in the Spider-Man franchise, and of course, Wolverine. I can only guess he wanted to get Howard the Duck, Daredevil, the Punisher, and Batman in there too for good measure, but Marvel Editorial was like, "Woah, Jeph! You're already kind of pushing the envelope with 'I thinketh it cuteth'."

The next time someone asks me what "Gratuitous" means I'm gonna hand them this book. I know the previous chapters of the Ultimates upped the sex factor and adult material per issue, but under Loeb it went from "adult" to "disturbing" and then went straight across the sleaze spectrum to "What the hell? Did Wasp just talk about incest like it was normal?"

ARggggh this book. Ultimates and Ultimate Spider-Man were really the only things worth reading in the Ultimate universe, and now the same isn't really true for either anymore.
OH GOD
Feb 28th, 2009, 04:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple Man View Post
whoa, two achewood references, nice
Member
Feb 28th, 2009, 04:42 AM
I've got to disagree with Mr. Burbank on this one. The ultimate universe was always fairly crappy. Yes the characters emotional issues were more fleshed out than usual, but the problem is those emotional issue were so blatent and obvious. Good writing doesn't help something in "daytime soap opera" format because it's still a frikkin daytime soap opera!

I have a big problem with all of these offshoot variants of main marvel characters cmpletely on principal. I can certainly understand the appeal of "what if" stories like the marvel zombies but what exactly is the point of constantly re-hashing characters into something they are not? Generally they "re-imagine" a character in a comic book in order to have a new character with a ready-made backstory, but in the case of ultimates all the backstory of the REAL marvel heroes is thrown out the window, but makes the whole idea of ultimate books nothing more than a cheap marketing ploy. It's kind of like these movie adaptations of video games and comics that have NOTHING to do with the source material other than in the vaguest of sense. (See the legand of chun-li). The only viable reason to do something like that is to use a brand name to trick faithful fans into watching it.

One wouldn't have to do that if the end product was actually good. This goes with comics as well. If you aren't satisfied with a marvel character's personality/backstory/ect why not, instead of raping a timeless favorite into your own warped image maybe (GASP!) create a NEW character that would be more suited to be in the stories you wish to write about.

It would be nice if the ultimates died a quick death and somehow the real marvel universe would magically not suck again, but at this rate I'll be stuck reading books that aren't integral to the marvel unvierse for the rest of my life as I can never keep up with what reality-altering plot device the hack writer of the week has come up with to ruin my enjoyment of comic books!
Pickleman's Uncle
Feb 28th, 2009, 03:22 PM
I just want to know: who is their colorist, how many hours does he work every day and how much are they paying him?
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Feb 28th, 2009, 09:15 PM
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is happening with the comic industry? I know comics have never been considered great literature, but seriously, what the fuck? I tried reading the first issue of Ultimates 3 the other day and almost threw up on the damn thing (and I'm truely not exaggerating). Great article, though, Proto. Tales from the Longbox is what made me love this site. You really have a gift for making torturous experiences more enjoyable (and I mean the comics are torturous, not your writing). Are you and Max ever going to do another crossover-type column together? Please consider it.
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Mar 1st, 2009, 02:59 AM
Rufus,

this is why those foreign comics have managed to infiltrate our culture.
For now, american comic book artists everywhere bow their heads in shame.
It feels just like the auto industry.
Member
Mar 1st, 2009, 11:40 PM
"(See the legand of chun-li)"

No I will not.
pickled
Mar 2nd, 2009, 12:17 AM
That was horrible.
Member
Mar 2nd, 2009, 12:18 AM
My main issue here is with that one about halfway down the second page, the one with Cap-bot sparking lightning out of his face and Ant-Man flying out of his mouth. Look at that word balloon. When your text is 80 times the size of the word balloon, just forget the balloon, honestly.

Also, I never thought I'd say this, but Captain America looks weird without his little wings on top of his head.
The Magnificent Bastard
Mar 2nd, 2009, 01:51 AM
Legend of Chun Li couldn't be any worse than the previous attempt at a live-action Street Fighter movie.
Forum Virgin
Mar 2nd, 2009, 01:08 PM
Oh yes, the Chun-li movie is orders of magnitude worse that the cheesy 90s version. It is literally one of the worst movies I have ever seen, period. It actually got into a fight with House of the Dead for worst movie, but since HotD was at least rated R, Chun-Li is now the worst movie ever made. Oh, and "cake or death" reference was pure win.
The Goddamned Batman
Mar 2nd, 2009, 06:16 PM
Like Max, I also immensely enjoyed the first two Ultimates series and normally find Mark Millar's work to be quite likeable. It's usually clear when editorial is dropping mandates on him (Civil War) and when they are not (The Authority, censorship issues aside). I'd say the Ultimates 1 and 2 are the best stuff to come out of the whole Ultimate line by far. Everything else went downhill way before Ultimates did (at least chronologically, not by number of issues).

Alcibiades: I love your interpretation of how things will go and wish that you could write it. Because I'm sure that would be a lot funnier and more enjoyable than when we eventually read the exact same thing but it's all done in earnest.

HeroliciousDeBlanc:
Apparently no, there never was a real Ultimate Black Panther.

Purple Man: I will probably break down and read Ultimatum after it's all concluded simply because it will almost certainly make for a funny Longbox column. But I won't spend a dime on it, no sir. Thanks for sharing the crappiness with us so far though...

Rufus the Perturbed: I would love to do another Crossover column with Max, but it has to be a topic that really lends itself well to that kind of thing. If you have any suggestions, feel free to throw them out!

And sometimes I fear that my Longbox columns only serve to convince people that there aren't ANY good comics out there. This is not true. The best Marvel comics right now though are the ones that stay as far away from the big universe "events" as much as they can. Immortal Iron Fist, Captain America, and Daredevil are easily the three best books Marvel is publishing at the moment, and they only touch the "universe" in the most tangential way. If you want to check out an honestly GOOD Marvel book right now, any of those are worth a look.
The Magnificent Bastard
Mar 2nd, 2009, 07:21 PM
I think a column about all these big crossover events, past and present. Or a column about Superhero death and resurrection would be great topics worthy of another team-up of that magnitude.

In fact one about the big events could involve the whole I-Mockery crew. As if the entire I-Mockery universe is affected by all these ridiculous "big event" stories.
The Ugly Puckling
Mar 2nd, 2009, 09:00 PM
You could make spin-off Hey Dork! into a new column about good comic books, and still do the whole synopsis thing with the panels and commentary, but maintain the dignity of the series and counteract any unlikely but potential negative side effects of the Long Box.
The Goddamned Batman
Mar 2nd, 2009, 09:38 PM
Tetsu, I'm actually glad you mentioned that, because back when Captain America died all four of the writers were talking about doing a combined Comic Book Deaths piece, but it never did end up happening. Max and I might be able to pick up the pieces of that idea and run somewhere with it.

Graystreet, "Hey Dork!" is Max's column, and what he does or doesn't do with it is completely up to him. I hope he has more articles in his bag of tricks though, because I fucking love those columns.
The Ugly Puckling
Mar 2nd, 2009, 10:06 PM
This is why I should always listen to my instinct to check my facts, I was positive that Hey Dork! was written by you and Max taking turns until Long Box spun off into what it is now, I apologize for my confusion.
Sex Panther
Mar 2nd, 2009, 10:56 PM
That dialogue couldn't be any greater.
drifting in the void
Mar 3rd, 2009, 06:23 AM
I donīt read comics but I know that this one is pretty shitty. Nonetheless itīs hillarious somehow... They could all just stand around in a pink room and yell "YA-YA! YAAAA!" at each other while blasting the shit out of an undead elephant. Would basically be the same.
Fanboy
Mar 4th, 2009, 03:43 AM
I'm biased as hell, of course, but I would add a few other Marvel titles to the ones Proto mentioned. Captain Britain & MI13 has been going strong for a while, although the recent appearance of a craptacular Dracula and Dr "I'm EVERYWHERE these days" Doom does not bode well. But it's got Spitfire and Blade totally making out!1!!1!.

Also, Thunderbolts. It is a big part of Dark Reign, but I feel it's a shitload of fun. The new lineup is great (Yelena Belova, Headsman, Paladin, Ghost and Ant-Man III); it may yet turn crappy on me, but the setup is classic.

Lastly, The Twelve is one of the finest comics I've read in years. NOW IF THEY WOULD ONLY PUT OUT #9 IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS ALREADY MR STRACZYNSKI PLEASE STOP TORTURING ME.
Crazy dog woman
Mar 5th, 2009, 11:00 AM
I have only one thing more to add... Hasn't brother/sister-incest become a pretty tedious ingredient in pop-culture? Perhaps it was "rad" when Jerry Cornelius was first published... but that was a while ago.
The Ugly Puckling
Mar 5th, 2009, 11:55 AM
There's like six other incestuous twin couplets in the Ultimate universe, so apparently, it's new and exciting to someone.
Member
Mar 7th, 2009, 12:59 PM
I heard tell that rumor had it that the Ultimates Universe was so popular at one time, it might have supplanted the regular Marvel Universe as the main continuity. Guess those days are over.
Forum Virgin
Mar 9th, 2009, 12:15 AM
Actually, there <b>is</b> an Ultimate Black Panther. He appeared in the Ultimate Captain America annual. Basically, he's T'Challa from Ultimate Wakanda. He got his ass handed to him by a real panther, and the king sent him off to Weapon X because they could save his life. Along the way, for some reason, T'Challa got jacked up with some super-powers pretty much like Wolverine. Healing factor, added strength, some adamantium claws . . . the whole deal. For whatever reason. But Weapon X never fixed his vocal chords. Fury, for whatever reason, decided to keep Panther after raiding a Weapon X place. Keep . . . as his property. So once Fury gets stuck in the Squadron Supreme universe or something, Cap takes Panther's place by dressing up as him and getting Tony to build him fake gear - that's why Tony knew to bring Cap's shield and costume for the 'Panther.'
The Ugly Puckling
Mar 9th, 2009, 09:38 AM
Nick Fury's a homosexual pedophile racist, and Captain America likes to dress up as little boys?

I done told everyone to avoid the Ultimate universe.
Forum Virgin
Mar 18th, 2009, 05:59 AM
It's become pretty commonplace to mock Loeb, and I can understand that impulse given the poorness of his work over the past couple of years (and its sheer what-the-hell factor), but I think this article sums it up well: you can't fault a creative person for wanting to write his way through a difficult time, but you can fault Marvel for putting him on a key title.

That's not to say that the Ultimates was any good before him, though. It's just old Avengers stories with a higher content rating. The usual, cynical Millar idiocy.

The article's hilarious, because it really is a misguided and just plain lousy book, but here's something that stands out to me: Loeb is writing a huge crossover about someone destroying a world because he lost his children. That's kind of heartbreaking to me, honestly. It reminds me of that Superman: For All Seasons backup Loeb did for Superman/Batman #26 (which really is a sweet little story), but with an Ed Wood poignancy.

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