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TALES FROM THE LONGBOX!
"Horrible Horror Comics!"
10/23/06

by: Protoclown

Not too long before Wildstorm won the right to publish crappy horror comics based on popular movie franchises Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Avatar Press (best known for publishing what often amount to crappy adult comics with a "plot") enjoyed that honorable privilege. So, in honor of Halloween, I'm going to take a detailed look at one issue of each of these horror properties written by Brian Pulido, the esteemed creator of such absurdly ludicrous characters as the utterly vapid Evil Ernie and Lady Death.

I have to admit they were quite enjoyable on that same kind of so-fucking-insanely-bad-it's-actually-good level that many of the more hilarious horror movies exist on, but I figured I could do you guys a favor and share the funnier moments with you so that you don't actually have to go out and buy them yourselves. However, if you're feeling masochistic, or if you're a fan of dark, muddy artwork that's hard to interpret, by all means, go to your local comic store and seek them out!


The only horror that comes from these comics is the
knowledge that you actually paid money for them.

Jason X

Our story begins after the events of Jason X the movie, as an unidentified object hurtles through the atmosphere of Earth II and crashes into a lake on the planet below.


Jason crashes and burns, much like any franchise Brian Pulido gets his grubby hands on.

A couple who happen to be camping on the lake notice the crash and immediately decide to go check out this potentially dangerous meteorite.


Sorry chief, but since it landed around a camp where you and your girl have been fucking,
there's a 90% chance that this is actually some alien monster out to kill you instead.

However, immediately upon seeing the smoking crater in the ground, the girl gets turned on and begins disrobing.


I hate to burst the bubble of every hopeful Junior Scientist out there, but
this will never happen. Not to you, anyway. It'll happen to the other smarter,
prettier scientist instead. CURSE YOU, RICHARDS!!

With a battle cry of "E equals MC squared", the fuckfest begins!


Hey, uhh...dude? What about that one-of-a-kind scientific discovery over there you
were so excited about? The one that's walking away and picking up a tree?

And Jason arrives just in time to put a stop to that "naughty" nonsense! If Jason can't have the pretty girls, no one can have the pretty girls! So he smashes them both with a tree.


Oh ho ho! That was some climax, huh? I'd say Jason rocked both their worlds!

Yes, a fucking tree. I said it. Not just part of a tree, not a large branch. A WHOLE FUCKING TREE. Cybernetic Jason has been souped-up quite a bit, you see. He marches over to survey his handiwork as he is fully revealed for the first time.


"Dead people make me horny! Tee hee!"

Jason kills a few other people on his way to visit his mother's graveówait, I thought this was Earth II? What in the hell is his mother's grave doing on Earth II? Anyway, he stands over his mother's grave looking sad (as sad as a man in a mask can look), when he is randomly struck by lightning, because God hates him and made him ugly and retarded.


Struck by a one-in-a-million cosmic lightning bolt, Jason Voorhees was imbued
with the power to control electricity and became the hero known as Lightning Lad!

Meanwhile, we see that some women who work for the Crystal Lake Gene Farmówoah woah woah, they actually named a place on Earth II "Crystal Lake"!? What did they think was gonna happen? Anyway, these women detect Jason's presence (they know about him and they still named the place Crystal Lake!??) and send out the "infantry-nites" (the dumbest named robots not created by George Lucas) to dispatch him.


"Bedbugs...biting...gah!"

We soon see that the infantry-nites are tiny robotic bugs that swarm over Jason, and apparently short out all of his cybernetic circuitry, incapacitating him. When next we see Jason, he is hooked up to a bunch of machinery at the Crystal Lake Gene Farm, and Kristen, the woman in charge of the facility, wants to sample his DNA and use his regenerative properties to help fight against some unexplained disease that has been ravaging the planet.


Those Germans and their crazy porn videos...

As they are about to cut into Jason, he hears his mother's voice talking to him, telling him he has to escape. Somehow she manages to control the machines and enables him to break free from his confinement.


For a while, Jason was content to be poked and prodded by their machines.
But when it came time for the anal probe, he drew the line.

Though Jason didn't arrive from space with his machete, fortunately there just happened to have one lying around in their lab, which allows him to go on a killing spree with his preferred weapon of choice.


Robots who don't follow their programming may find themselves in the fiery hell
where Jason cuts them up with his machete and then makes fun of them a lot.

Jason starts cutting people apart only to discover to his disappointment that many of them are androids, which aren't nearly as bloody or fun to kill. He cuts a swath of destruction throughout the lab before breaking out, where he discovers a bunch of people casually lounging on the shore of Crystal Lake. Don't you think they could have, oh I don't know, maybe evacuated the area when they brought Jason into the facility?


"Ohmigod! The crazy killer got loose!?? But that never happens!!"

Naturally, Jason becomes further enraged at the site of young, attractive, half-naked people enjoying themselves, so he sets out to kill them all. Wherever they run, wherever they hide, none are safe from Jason!


Who would have ever guessed that hiding
RIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR of your cabin wasn't the best idea??

He later discovers that all of these people are robots too. But these robots bleed and apparently have sex, so they're different from the ones in the lab. But does the story ever explain that? Of course not! Eventually Jason makes his way back to the lab and confronts Kristen, the woman in charge of everything.


In the most heartwarming scene in the entire book, Jason
waves goodbye to his loved ones as his train leaves the station.

Kristen tricks him however and locks him inside a spaceship and rockets him off into space. She gets her comeuppance though, as she later discovers her lover who is dying from the still-unexplained disease has somehow been possessed by infantry-nites that have in turn been possessed by Jason's mom, and he kills Kristen before turning his machete-out-of-nowhere on himself.

Jason, meanwhile finds his way to a ship called the "Fun Club".


"Fun Club"? They may as well have a sign that says
"Hey Space Pirates, come rape and kill us!" on the side of the damn thing.

They let him dock with their ship with no questions whatsoever, apparently inviting anyone and everyone on board to party with them.


"We're completely inebriated and vulnerable and trusting to a fault! What can possibly go wrong?"

The party animals on board wonder aloud who their new visitors must be, hoping that there are some real cuties on board. Imagine their disappointment however when all they find is a pissed-off asshole who can't die!


That Jason sure knows how to make an entrance!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

This book opens up with a narrator opening with all the melodrama you'd expect from a "dark and stormy night" story, talking about a tragedy that befell a group of six choir girls some time ago, and the events were too horrific to be revealed... until now! This opening segment occurs in black-and-white and shows a bunch of random pictures of inbred rednecks who are never seen again later in the story, so I have no idea what they have to do with anything, except that they're probably still more relatives of Leatherface we haven't heard about yet.


"It was the worst Thanksgiving ever..."

We then cut to the actual events of the story, where we see a group of choir girls making fun of the one lonely "different" girl in the back of the bus.


I've seen plenty of bad acting in movies, but in a comic book? This is a first.

They never really explain why she's different except that she sits in the back of the bus away from all the others. And she has black hair, so she must be a witch or something. They don't travel too long before a tire blows out on the bus.


"Oh my god, somebody put a banana peel on the road!"

Mr. Milsap, the head of the choir and driver of the bus, decides he'd better go look for help since they don't have a spare. He quickly finds himself at the Blair Meat plant, and of course he goes inside calling for help and finds no one. He's walking around in a large open room when suddenly a drop of blood falls from the ceiling and hits him directly in the eye.


"Oh god, what did I step on? A tampon!?"

He freaks out over something he sees at that point and starts running. Eventually he sticks his head through a small hole in a door (always a good idea when running for your life) and gets stuck, at which point Leatherface comes along and kills him.


Not even Santa Claus takes such delight in his work.

After several hours go by and Mr. Milsap doesn't return, his wife decides to go off looking for him, leaving the girls by themselves on the side of the road. At this point an evil cop shows up and starts giving the girls a bunch of grief. He insists on searching the bus and plants a bag of marijuana (or "mary-jo-wanna" as he calls it) on the ground, "finds" it, and then exits the bus saying he's going to have to arrest the girls. He didn't have to bother actually planting the bag however, as none of the girls were with him on the bus to see what he was doing, so evidently he's just stupid. Naturally, the girls aren't too happy with the idea of being arrested over something they didn't do, and immediately resist (and blame Julie Ann, the "freak" girl).


This cop knows all too well that if a hippie bites or scratches you, you too will become a hippie.

Meanwhile, we cut back to Mrs. Milsap, who has found her way inside the same meat packing plant her husband was killed in. Leatherface finds her quickly enough and attacks her. She runs away, and happens to discover her husband's disembodied head on the ground, causing her to freak out and fall.


Look at that! There's like six knives lying right next to her!
How many other victims get a chance like that?

Which makes her another easy kill for Leatherface (the fact that she's old and fat probably contributed something to that as well).


Seriously. Look at how happy this guy is.

Shortly thereafter, the corrupt cop brings the girls to "jail", which happens to be a meat freezer at the Blair Meat plant. After locking them inside, he selects one girl to set loose in the plant for Leatherface to chase around and kill.


Welcome to the 2006 "America's Next Top Model" tryouts!

Leatherface chases her around for a short while before carving her up like a pumpkin (which they don't even show). We only see the other girls' reactions as they look out the small glass window of the meet freezer.


"Oh my GAWD, that asshole totally made me break a nail!"

After their friend is dead, the cop enters the room and asks who's gonna be next. And that's pretty much the end of the first issue. I won't be getting the second, as I don't give half a rat's shit how this ends.


A Nightmare on Elm Street

This story opens with a girl named Claire having a nightmare, and of course you know what that means when Freddy Krueger's involved. Claire sees all kinds of freaky things in her dream, including a vision of her dead friend Lindsay, who warns her that everything she's seeing is real and that she's in terrible danger.


A girl made out of pancakes!?? At last my dream has come true!

Claire freaks out upon seeing this and runs away, only to find herself running directly into Freddy's waiting arms.


"Aww, man! Freddy's hugs are such a drag! He always gets
blood all over me, and that sweater itches like crazy!"

While Freddy grabs her, several more of her friends appear, warning her that they didn't die the way she was told, but they were rather killed by Freddy in their dreams. Claire breaks away again, and Freddy tells her about how all the kids being doped up on Hypnocil to prevent dreaming and their no longer being afraid of him has weakened his power. So he explains to her that he needs her to be his messenger and tell everyone about him so they all get scared again.


Uncle Freddy was always the creepiest, what with
that big bloody glove of his and his "Roman Hands".

Rather than notice the fairly obvious flaw in Freddy's plan where he pretty much told her flat out how to defeat him, she decides to do exactly what he told her, and begins freaking out and telling everyone about Freddy. Initially she tells her father and gets into an argument with him, insisting that Freddy is real and that she has to warn everyone in Springwood about him, thus ensuring their doom.


"You secretly replaced my coffee with Folgers Crystals!?? Fuck you, Dad! FUCK YOU!!"

Her father then calls the mayor, who assures him that a fresh shipment of Hypnocil is on the way. We then cut to outside Springwood High School, where Claire is busy telling all of her friends about Freddy and to be sure to be afraid of him so he can come into their dreams and kill them too. But a couple of her more meat-headed friends are a bit skeptical about it.


This use of slang is just downright embarrassing.

A short time later one of Claire's friends, Tia, falls asleep and has a dream where the school nurse confronts her about her binging and purging eating habits. At this point Tia starts vomiting all over the place.


Yeah, no one ever thinks of the janitor who has to clean it up later when
they just decide to puke wherever they damn well feel like...

She can't stop vomiting, and eventually the entire room fills with fresh vomit, threatening to drown her.


I can think of worse ways to die...no, wait. That's not true. I really can't.

As she finally sinks under the vomit, she suddenly finds herself dry and vomit-free in a room with Freddy Krueger. He starts poking her with his finger blades and makes a cheesy one-liner about how enjoying take-out (because she's asian, and because he's about to rip her heart right out of her! Oh Freddy, master of the double entendre!).


Tia thought the stupid joke was kind of funny, but didn't quite think it was appropriate to laugh.

Then of course he stabs her in the chest and she totally bleeds out and dies, in her sleep, further confirming everyone's fears that Freddy is real.


"Hey Tia, let's play doctor! Whoops!"

That same night Claire gets all of her friends together in one house with the idea that they are going to help keep each other awake so that they can avoid Freddy. She gives this one guy in the group pretty much an entire bottle of Hypnocil, leaving the rest of her friends to fend for themselves on simple caffeinated beverages.


"Hey guys, I've got a plan! If we overdose on these pills, we'll die and then Freddy can't kill us!"

One girl, Donna, goes out on the front porch for some "fresh air" and inevitably falls asleep on the swing. She then has a dream about graduating high school and walks forward to accept her diploma.


Donna always had the same recurring nightmare: She graduated, and then all of
her idiot friends thought she was a big nerd because she learned how to read.

Unfortunately for her, she's actually sleepwalking in the middle of the street and gets hit by the truck carrying the Hypnocil (which is clearly labeled as such on the side, something that's sure to prevent crazy druggies from trying to rob or hijack the truck).


Wait a minute! That truck's not carrying Hypnocil at all! It's carrying milk!
And they labeled it "Hypnocil" so that milk bandits wouldn't steal it! Genius!

Normally, this would be a problem for Donna, but not for the shipment of Hypnocil, except that the truck slides into a power station and explodes, taking all of the fresh Hypnocil drug with it, making the score now Freddy 2, Idiot Teenagers 0.


"That's right, kids! We've got roofies and plenty of loose women at this party! Hot-cha-cha-cha!"

Finally we see Freddy holding the limp body of Donna and shouting to no one in particular that the party has only just begun! To be continued. Also, no, I won't be finding out how this one ends either.

So there you have a taste of the horror that Avatar Press has to offer. I haven't yet seen what kind of cheesy take on these franchises Wildstorm has to offer, but if I hear that it's half as funny as these, perhaps I'll take a gander at those for next Halloween.

Found any weird, bizarre, stupid or funny comics that
should appear in a future "Tales From the Longbox" column?

Email Protoclown and let him know!

 


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #9!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!

You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #9!
i-mockery.com/halloween/cards06/krige-card9.jpg
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*

Alice Krige is scary as hell. No, wait, she's sexy as hell! No, she's both... she's scary-sexy! Scexy! She's just asking for whole new categories of words to be made up about her. This actress is like smack addiction on legs, you don't want her in spite of the fact that you know she'll kill you; you want her BECAUSE she's going to kill you! Who else could have made the Borg Queen, under all that make-up, a bald head shoved on a writhing metal spine, seductive? You really need to rent "Ghost Story" which, for a bad movie, has a whole lot to recommend it. Not only does it feature a who's who of Hollywood geriatrics, but Alice is the movie's Big Bad, and she totally convinces you that the most horrible thing she can do to her victims is love them before she kills them. Not pretend to love, but actually fall in love with them and not kill them until they love her! Creepy! In a very grown up way! Oh, plus, you get to see her all nekkid.

Find all 12 "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more! You must send in your emails by November 5th, 2006 to qualify!

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.



 

 

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