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Topic Review (Newest First)
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| Oct 3rd, 2003 05:04 AM | ||
| sadie | this is why i always make such long, detailed, relevant posts here at imockery. | |
| Aug 13th, 2003 02:37 AM | ||
| sadie |
yah. this thread made me giggle. esuohlim is cool, even though his id gives me a headache. :P and spectre, i really like the analogy in the first poem, and you've got some good phrases. but it really needs some hard, cold images. when i read your poem, i wanna touch those walls and know why they're cold. i wanna be right in that "great big" computer room, compare it to the one i use every day. i wanna see the blood coursing through your body the way the data does through the pentagon. visualize every detail yourself. then, get specific. show me. also, i'd reconsider capitalizing the first word of every line, in favor of allowing the thoughts to flow through the lines to their own ends. and a period at the end of every stanza doth not a well-punctuated poem make. :P the second poem. very cool. great details. i like the idea of spring catching winter offguard and slamming him on the mat or something. i'm not sure how the melted, sunshine-bathed lakes make the birds chirp, though. Quote:
oh. and whenever possible, i'd try to stick to present or past tense. verbs sorta fortify poems; strong action verbs do it best. the progressive (-ing) tense, especially, dilutes their strength. |
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| Aug 12th, 2003 11:08 PM | ||
| Cap'n Crunch |
He doesn't know what he is talking about Esuohlim, he lives in bunghole. 
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| Aug 12th, 2003 09:44 PM | ||
| Esuohlim | What in fucking hell are you gabbing about? | |
| Aug 11th, 2003 11:11 PM | ||
| Wang | actually it was the movie reveiw guy talking about j'los film but ill pass that along. | |
| Aug 11th, 2003 12:10 AM | ||
| Esuohlim | DEAR WANG: WELL TELL YOUR "WRITERS" AT "92.9FM" THAT THEY LACK THE ABILITY TO ACCOMPLISH EVEN THE MOST RUDIMENTARY OF ACTIVITIES, OK WANG? | |
| Aug 10th, 2003 11:45 PM | ||
| Wang | my writers r 92.9fm(radio st in aussie) and r u just hunting me down to insult me? cuz 2 can play at that game.ur on | |
| Aug 8th, 2003 04:50 AM | ||
| Esuohlim | DEAR WANG: EXTREMELY CLEVER. WHO ARE YOUR WRITERS WANG? | |
| Aug 8th, 2003 01:20 AM | ||
| Wang | pretty kewl but too long i went into a coma ten seconds in. heh | |
| Jul 29th, 2003 02:46 PM | ||
| Spectre X | thank you. | |
| Jul 24th, 2003 02:58 PM | ||
| KILLADEUCE |
I love that first stanza (is that the right term?) The Pentagon Cold walls, filled with wires Like my veins Wires wired To a great big computer Computing Where to strike? <- i fucking love that line. Well done. |
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| Jul 14th, 2003 03:33 AM | ||
| Spectre X |
READ MAH POAMS DAM YOUH!!!! 
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| Jul 11th, 2003 09:46 AM | ||
| Spectre X |
Two poems I made. The Pentagon. The Pentagon Cold walls, filled with wires Like my veins Wires wired To a great big computer Computing Where to strike. Desert Strom Desert Shield Desert Fox Codenames Making me cry out loud If I had a mouth The insanity The violence All steered from within. Generals Plotting countries’ demises With the push of mere buttons Countries are brought to their knees Bombs everywhere Bombs, triggered Bombs trigerred by mere buttons Triggered in me. Admirals Playing an expensive game of battleship Very expensive. Corridors Huge corridors They lead anywhere and everywhere Everywhere in me Wires wired to a great big computer Computing How to wage war How to wage war is what is computed In the computer In me. Calculating casualties In me. by Sef Joosten. Spring. Spring, kicking Winter in the back Springing stringy stalks from the ground Painting trees with leaves. Spring, melting the lakes Bathing in them with sunshine Making birds chirp in an orchestra of nature. Winter lying like a broken bottle Broken by Spring Broken in a thousand melting pieces. Birds, chirping Giving lazy squirrels a wake-up call Wake up lazy squirrels Nap time’s over. by Sef Joosten. |
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