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Topic Review (Newest First)
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| Apr 10th, 2003 11:29 AM | |
| James |
Well, perhaps I should explain just a little more. This is supposed to be written in a simple and quick style. It's just a simple legend, which ends up containing a lot of backstory for the actual novel I'll be writing. This, along with a number of other pieces, will make up the world that leads into the actual story, and then some. So it's not exactly geared towards children in real life, but is considered a "campfire story" if you will in the story. So I'm glad it comes off as being an easy-to-follow tale. As for the Parenthesis, no prob. I just put it in here as a "just in case." Nefas Bellum is just a very crude translation from English to Latin. I may change it in the end. |
| Apr 10th, 2003 11:19 AM | |
| Spectre X |
I like it Jamesman, I like it a lot. I don't see any flaws, but then again, I'm not really that good in reviews.  anyway, keep up the good work, I like this story |
| Apr 10th, 2003 11:05 AM | |
| FartinMowler | It's like something you would read on a box for a video game. Cool I might buy it. |
| Apr 10th, 2003 10:47 AM | |
| glowbelly |
get rid of the explanation in parentheses in the second mini-paragraph. one of the worst things you can do as a writer is to assume that your reader is not as intelligent as you are. as a pretty prolific reader, i have come to ignore almost all text in parentheses. if i need to know what a word means, or desire to explore it further, i pick up my dictionary or do some research online. i enjoy the simplicity of your writing style. this is not a derogatory comment, especially if you are gearing this story toward a younger crowd. i can't help but look at this as an introduction to a greater story. as a matter of fact, upon reading it the third time over, it seemed to me almost an outline for a small novella with each paragraph being a tiny glimpse into a larger chapter, save for maybe towards the end. i, too, see the underlying similarities between lotr and and what you have written here, but if you expand on your ideas, you will likely end up creating a story that is wholly unique to your writing style and any other similar fantasy story. i think one of the most important things that a writer can have and should develop is their own voice. the stories seem to follow naturally after that, and if a writer tries to stretch his voice too far and is not careful about how he goes about doing this, the result is a work that seems forced and cold. your voice right now is clean and simple, with a very relaxed tone to it. it flows nicely and doesn't confuse. this is good for the younger reader, who can become easily sidetracked and lose interest in a story when the language is too highfalutin'.  alright. my work here is done. i hope that i have helped a bit. keep me in mind when you are writing this stuff. i love reading new things and i am pretty honest with what i like and don't like. i also try to give a good bit of advice when needed or requested. good luck now go look at my pictures in the "do you see what i see" thread in the art forum and comment on those as reciprocation. 
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| Apr 10th, 2003 02:20 AM | |
| Professor Cool | Great story Jamesman, hope to see more work in the future! |
| Apr 10th, 2003 02:02 AM | |
| James |
In the other thread, I explained why there is a lack of details. It's a fairy tale of sorts. Just a simple children's story. In other documents, I will have more detailed information on the war, the Knight, locations, and all that good stuff. As for the LotR suggestion; I knew it was coming. The truth it, when I started plans for anything about this story, I seriously never read LotR or The Hobbit, nor did I even know just how popular they were. In anything, the story may reflect some aspects fo a Final Fantasy game, as the concept was originally meant to be an homage to the series, which in term may contain aspects and references to LotR. In other words, my ideas are in no way taken from Tolkien's work. And I think once you see the final product, that will become even more evident. |
| Apr 10th, 2003 01:40 AM | |
| davinxtk |
It's good. It's well written, but it lacks details. It seems like you need to expand on this horrible force they unleashed with their magic-doing. Also, this business with the Knight of Felis... and the last battle of the Nefas Bellum... where? why? who is fighting? Also, it may just be something that's on my mind becuase it's fantasy, but all of this business about men being greedy, and this second darkness hoo-plah... Can someone tell me where I've heard all of this beFrodo? I mean... before. Right. That's what I mean. |
| Apr 5th, 2003 01:16 AM | |
| Skulhedface | I think you did a good job of making the Goddess a sympathetic figure, but it's kind of anticlimactic at the end. It drops off a little too sharply. If this is a lead-in for a whole novel, I'd leave the closing a bit more "cliffhanger"-ish. But other than that, great job. |
| Apr 5th, 2003 12:41 AM | |
| The Unseen |
"stories for the bored" I read the keywords but....im not that bored Well written by the way |
| Apr 5th, 2003 12:22 AM | |
| James |
The Legend, Revision 1 I figured it would be best if this got a new thread. That way, you can compare the revision to the old version. I really want opinions, questions, comments, anything you can throw at me. The Legend by James Light Long ago, Mankind brought upon itself a darkness, which to this day has never fully been undone. Driven by desires for power, war swept the lands. Men took up arms against one another, drowning the earth in the blood they shed. Kings fed their soldiers to Hell's mouth, determined to increase their wealth and influence in the world. They had been taken; Greed possessing them like the fortunes they so wished to have. Kingdoms fell like the many soldiers who failed to defend them, and the many soldiers who fought to take them. These dark days became known as the Nefas Bellum (Sin War). The warriors who fought by the orders of their lords became restless with their treatment. They were no longer thought of as human beings. They were no longer thought of as living things. They were expendable resources used to gain power for their selfish masters. And finally, they revolted. Armies had turned on the kingdoms that sent them to die needlessly. But no man was spared from Greed’s influence. As Kings fell, thrones became empty – Thrones that beckoned to seat new leaders. And soon enough, battles for power ensued once again. Soldiers, who had once fought together, now fought against one another. War raged on, more devastating than ever. With every man for themselves, men scoured the land for magical artifacts that would aid them in obtaining what they desired. But they were foolish, and did not understand the forces they were toying with. And the result was dreadful; for what was released upon the world was more catastrophic than anything they had unleashed using their blades during these wars. Mankind finally joined together as one, though the reason was most unfortunate. Now, they fought to save the world from the devastation they brought upon it. But this fight was not one they could win, for the forces against them were overwhelming. However, all was not lost. The Goddess, Felis, Mother of the Planet, would not allow the world she created to crumble before her eyes. Though weakened due to the planet’s damaged state, She used what strength remained to bestow Her power upon one man. A man, whose spirit was strong enough to be worthy of this gift. A man, who under Felis' influence, would eradicate the threat upon the world. And in the final battle of the Nefas Bellum, he emerged victorious, and became known as the Knight of Felis. Darkness faded away, and celebration now consumed the wounded planet as it began the long healing process, undoing the damage caused after so many years. It was then that Felis appeared in an ethereal form – no longer strong enough to take any other appearance. She looked down upon her children with sorrow filling her eyes. And then she spoke: "You celebrate your salvation, but soon enough, you shall forget what you are even celebrating. You will forget the pain you have brought upon yourself, and the blood forever staining your hands. "But history will be repeated. Time flows like a river, and you will bring your undoing upon yourself once more. Only this time, I cannot save you, for I have given of myself all I have to give.” And she was gone. The words filled many hearts with concern. But true to her prophecy, all was soon forgotten, and life resumed like it once had... Now, this is nothing more than a fairy tale, read by children. It's warning has been ignored, and Mankind unknowingly sets the Second Coming into motion. Before they know it, our world will once again be brought into Darkness. Such is The Legend. |
