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Topic Review (Newest First)
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| Mar 25th, 2005 12:57 AM | ||
| DocBubonic |
Cobra-la was a horrible abomination. I'm glad that mess never was seen in the comics. I personally think Cobra-la was what caused the TV show to be canceled. It was a fucking cancer on the TV show. |
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| Mar 20th, 2005 05:57 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
I dunno, the Cobra-La guys were kinda cool in the movie until they just started beating down Cobra Commander. Come on, Nemesis Enforcer was the MAN. I should probably do a few of those water-spray figures, or maybe those goofy aliens. |
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| Mar 10th, 2005 07:49 PM | ||
| Galvatron | The most forgotten and BEST characters were the forces of Cobra-La, Golobulus, especially, was THE freakin' best. | |
| Jan 28th, 2005 01:33 PM | ||
| DocBubonic |
All the sports related G.I. Joe characters were awful. Capt. Grid Iron, The Fridge, the loser with the basketball jersey in the G.I. Joe movie, and even Rockie (for a brief period of time) all were horrible. Now that I think about it, I think there was one joe called Slugger. I'm glad these losers didn't make it to the comics (except Slugger, then again he's probably the best of the bunch). The Cobra-la nonsense was a disgusting abortion of an idea. That horrendous idea pretty much killed G.I. Joe. |
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| Dec 3rd, 2004 12:02 AM | ||
| Zbu Manowar | Alpine wasn't the token black guy. What about Roadblock and Stalker? | |
| Dec 2nd, 2004 11:43 PM | ||
| Dynamic Dustin M. |
I ran across this when I was surfing through the archives and I had to throw my two cents in. Why? Because. First off, Alpine was the coolest Joe simply because he was the token black guy on the show. He had some cool lines and how can you not like a guy who uses a Mountain Grappling Hook to grab unto a Cobra Bubble and then smash the bastard driving it through the window with a fist? By the way, don't give me any shit about that basketball playing Joe being the token black guy. He can rot in hell. Second, obscure Joes in my opinion are almost a dime a dozen. I always tried to figure out what the hell happened to the "not quite ready for Primetime" Joes that Sgt. Slaughter was training in the movie... |
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| Feb 23rd, 2003 04:51 AM | ||
| FS |
 Thanks for the picture. God only knows why they called him "Raptor". His filecard is pretty ridiculous too. "yuppie tax consultant..."
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| Feb 22nd, 2003 05:30 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
Outback History is a cruel bitch. What could be termed as acceptable one year could be something vastly different the next. While this change and the resultant change of attitudes and the fairness of it all could be argued, it does result in some entertaining paradoxes. Such an example is Rambo III. You know, the one where Rambo goes into Afghanistan and helps the Rebels throw out the Russians. Put that into today's context, and you have Rambo throwing out one American enemy for another, more dangerous one. All of this is unfair, of course. One simply can't put a '80s brainless action flick up for today's rules unless one wants to put more of a restriction on subject material. While these paradoxes will and always will exist, it's simply a part of fiction. So where am I going with this? Simple. Outback's filecard describes him as a survivalist from Idaho. This is unfortunate for two reasons: 1) the reason above, and 2) because he is the gayest fucking survivalist I've ever seen. His 'uniform' is nothing more than fatigues and a stupid white shirt that says 'Survival' which he probably got from a crafts store. It's stupid. Survivalists--those who aren't stupid Biblebeating hicks who walk around their house in their underwear and holding a .45, mumbling about that darn government--are usually the type to either dress conservatively or effectively. What does Outback do? He wears some pants he probably weaseled from an Army surplus store and a shirt that could only blend in JC Penney. He doesn't look like a man who could live off the land as a poser who looks like he knows what kind of bark to eat but eventually gets rescued five days later on the other side of the mountain, in the fetal position, whining about his last bottle of Evian. Plus his head looks like a toned down Kris Kristoffson. Huh?? Plus the name is stupid. 'Outback' brings to mind Australia. Not some Idaho loser with an awful shirt. It's just a faux pas, really. But maybe Hasbro was trying to tie in this figure with the brief American career of Yahoo Serious? Mad Max? Jocko? Who the hell knows. So, Outback sits next to Tollbooth on the 'unfortunate names' bench, remembered only because he was probably the Joe who got kicked out because he didn't pay his taxes, then sneaked back in to hand out pamphets with erronous, exaggerating facts about God full of those stupid number games that somehow foretell (after the fact) how the 9/11 attacks were all tied to the number 73. After an incident in which Gung Ho and Stalker kick his ass for being a jerk, Outback is kicked out off the grounds and for five days stations himself by the ditch by the Joe HQ entrance and stages a 'protest' with a crappy blue and purple K-Mart tent until he's taken away in an ambulance after his diet of strange red berries and squirrel shit cause him to get violently ill. After that? Nothing but a sad pathetic footnote in history. |
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| Feb 22nd, 2003 05:08 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
Yeah, I fondly remember Raptor. He was in that line with the Battle-Armored Cobra Commander and Big Boa. While I agree with the outfit (which makes him look like the Lone Ranger's pathetic younger cousin), it's really hard to easily dismiss those Cobras whose name does not end up ending with -Viper. Still...that outfit is goofy. |
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| Feb 22nd, 2003 04:41 PM | ||
| Vomit |
I think you're talking about Raptor. He came out when Cobra was starting to get a little weird. I kinda liked him. 
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| Feb 22nd, 2003 03:35 PM | ||
| FS |
Holy shit! I just found parts of an old Cobra action figure that must've been the worst of them all. I don't think they ever showed him in the cartoon, either. It's a guy who's bare-chested, with a Robin-like eyemask on and a big nose. He's got an eagle's head as a hat, and he had a backpack with cloth wings on it. Before I lost it, he also had an eagle that could be perched on his arm, but I remember it breaking off all the time. Anyone got his name? Right now, he's lost his hat, eagle and backpack, his crotch's snapped off (they're always the first to go) and the rubber band keeping his torso and legs connected has torn. |
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| Feb 18th, 2003 03:11 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
Well, I can tell you one thing: Shipwreck will never be a gracefully forgotten Joe. That man fucking rocks and is right up there with Snake Eyes in my book. Nothing says Joe like a fucking kickass take no prisoners sailor. However, if he had some really bad versions I'll be sure to take out those but only because it would fuck up the basics of Shipwreck..and we all don't want that, right? Now, for yet another one..and this saddens me: Gung Ho in Dress Blues Don't get me wrong: I love Gung-Ho. But this is a awful action figure. Hasbro had a habit in the '80s of making Joes that were either cool, filler, or just honoring something/somebody because, at their heart, they were patriotic toys. And since Gung-Ho was a popular figure, it would make a lot of sense to redesign him for more sales and it if happened to be an honorary figure...hey, added bonus! Nothing says "$!" like a figure that does everything. But sadly, Hasbro goofed here. As we all know, Gung-Ho isn't the GQ type. For fuck's sake, the man is a Marine. Tattooed chest, wears a vest and dirty pants and a hat because he's a swamp fighter. Making a swamp fighter the pinnacle of Marine excellence is hardly an intelligent move. And the filecard on him which they excuse his dress doesn't make him look hardcore as much as it makes him look like the alternative to Ken in Barbie wants another man. Add to this the utter lack of accessories--a saber is cool, but molded to the fucking scabbard is DUMB--and you have a Joe who doesn't do anything except stand there, his saber stupidly in his hand, looking out of place and uncomfortable. And why Hasbro didn't pay some poor guy $5 an hour just to put the labels on the figure's arms instead of having kids do it is just pathetic. The truly sad part about this is if you click on the link, you can see the Brazilian version which is full of weapons like pistols and guns along with a cover design that looks kickass. Compared to Gung-Ho's filecard which has him standing at attention and you can see how badly Hasbro fucked up a good figure. So, while Brazil has a Gung Ho dressed to the nines and tearing new holes, we have one who likes shining his shoes and making sure his patches and awards are all nice and even. Before he tries stabbing himself with his sad little sheathed saber. 
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| Feb 18th, 2003 02:09 PM | ||
| Les Waste |
Proto probably knows more about G.I. Joe in general than I do, considering I never even bothered to read a single G.I. Joe comic book, but nobody knows more about the Sunbow (the good series) than I do. Shipwreck is probably my favorite Joe, but I always rooted for Cobra. I don't know why, but as far back as I can remember I've always wanted the bad guys to win. I don't know what that says about me
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| Feb 18th, 2003 02:01 AM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
Okay, another one: Captain Grid-Iron This one hurts the most, because he was my favorite Joe back in the dying days of the original 3 3/4 inch Joes. You see, Grid-Iron was cool. He was obviously the new head hancho of the Joes by this time (Duke, Flint, and the lame duck General Hawk being fazed out for either guest appearances in 'Night Force' or such niches) and the new Joes needed a new leader. Unfortunately, they got one hell of a blunder. The name 'Captain Grid-Iron' is just too lengthy. Why not just call him Grid-Iron? The title of Captain seems a very small one considering the Joes are supposed to be this elite band of commandos who take orders from higher up than Captain. Then on top of it all, some idiot decided that the football motif of this figure wasn't complete until every single freaking thing about him said FOOTBALL. Football grenades. His costume was a boiled down football outfit to an extent. His helmet was a football helmet. And while they could be cool to an extent.....it's a bit much, isn't it? Somehow, the whole affair came off to be not 'a Joe who has a hankerin for some pigskin,' but rather 'failed Batman villain #137 who was rejected because somehow the motif went overboard, drowned, and floated up to a retarded kid's summer camp five months later.' It was just too much. It's not like being a football/sports fan was an unfamiliar motif to the Joes: Bazooka wore a jersey and a half helmet, the Basketball guy from the movie wore a jersey, and not to mention that a few years previous Fridge Perry was given his own special mail-order figure complete with Jersey and a fucking mace that was in the same of a football. Fridge Perry also looked damn cool. All Captain Grid-Iron looked like was some knock-off puss that somehow brought to mind the old 'Metal Brigade/Choose Your Stats' action figure with that fucking helmet of his. Complete with football grenades so you could throw them....huh? All and all, nice try, but failed effort. |
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| Feb 18th, 2003 01:51 AM | ||
| Zbu Manowar | Basically a bunch of placeholders, you mean. Ah, so it goes. | |
| Feb 18th, 2003 12:51 AM | ||
| Protoclown | I can't remember off the top of my head. I think Breaker was one of them. They were mostly older Joes that didn't really go on many missions anymore, I think. | |
| Feb 18th, 2003 12:47 AM | ||
| Zbu Manowar | Who were the other six? And I thought it would have been better if Destro or Zartan or Tomax & Xamot took them out. You know, to make someone at Cobra look cold and calculating as opposed to comically stupid/stone cold crazy. | |
| Feb 17th, 2003 09:39 PM | ||
| Protoclown | Quick Kick was one of seven Joes that was killed in the comic book. For the longest time, Hasbro wouldn't let Larry Hama kill off any of the Joes, but finally they decided to let him loose on some of the older characters and he had seven of them taken hostage and then killed. It was funny, because it was all a misunderstanding. Cobra Commander told the guys who captured them to "take care of them" and they interpreted that as "kill them" but that wasn't what he meant at all. | |
| Feb 17th, 2003 09:05 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar | Should we take a poll to see how many people aren't too fond of Quick Kick? Not to bash his fans, but compared to Snake Eyes...it's Gobots to Transformers, here. | |
| Feb 17th, 2003 08:31 PM | ||
| Les Waste |
Quote:
I really do hate Quick Kick. 
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| Feb 17th, 2003 08:07 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar | Thank God. No wonder the guy got so many figures then was made an honorary Joe upon retirement. | |
| Feb 17th, 2003 08:05 PM | ||
| Mockery |
Storm Shadow broke Quick Kick's leg.
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| Feb 17th, 2003 06:37 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
Okay, I admit fault with names of Zartan's bastard siblings, but that could also be proof that nobody really remembers them. Hence, gracefully forgotten Joes...through next time I'll do my homework, I swear. Still, at least Zarana is slightly above Zandar for being the female Dreadnok. And that's still a slim margin...through can anybody tell me why Zandar's action figure comes with an arrow quiver yet no bow and arrow? Does the throw them at people? Was he originally supposed to be Lady Jaye? |
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| Feb 17th, 2003 06:23 PM | ||
| Protoclown |
Quote:
Okay, so he WAS a ripoff, but I'm trying to justify him here, alright? And Zarana (not Zartanna! blasphemer!) was Zartan's sister. She was cool in my book. QUICK KICK FUCKING RULED!!!! He was one of my favorites, but you're wrong about him being Storm Shadow's nemesis, I'm afraid. Snake-eyes was one of the original seven Joes (the others being, if I recall correctly: Breaker, Zap, Flash, Stalker, Scarlet, and Grunt... and that's WITHOUT looking them up. How sad is that?), so he was around a good two or three YEARS before they brought Quick Kick (or Storm Shadow) around, as Les Waste pointed out. And if you'll remember, they also had some kind of rivalry going between Storm Shadow and Spirit for a while, then they kind of had a brief thing with Quick Kick, but they pretty quickly hammered down that Snake-eyes and Storm Shadow were absolute arch-nemesis to one another. Stormy would occasionally duke it out with some of the other Joes, but Snake-eyes was the main guy they always put him up against. I also loved Alpine and Bazooka. The BEST Joe of all time though had to be Shipwreck. I don't think I really HATED any of the characters until the movie, when they brought in Cobra-La. That was the beginning of the end, and EVERYTHING from that point sucked ass. The old Marvel comics by Larry Hama fucking RULED. They're reprinting them all now in really nice 10 issue trade paperbacks, and if you never read them as a kid, check them out. They can still be a damn fun read today. They started getting really bad toward the end though, sadly. But I think I have all the issues from 21-135 or so. |
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| Feb 17th, 2003 05:18 PM | ||
| Zbu Manowar |
I take it I have company in thinking Dee Jay sucks.
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