Something I wrote

[Les Waste]

Since I haven't written anything in a month, I decided to try and produce something. I had what I think was a good idea for something, so I wrote a quick first draft. I consider it to be far too short, and I will be adding to it, but as a first draft I don't think it's too bad. I'll probably use this as a future column. This might be weirder and more abstract than my "You wanna fight?!" column idea. I decided to share this cause I think it's pretty funny. Also I like getting feedback. Enjoy, suckers!

Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth
By Chris Becker

Now first let me say that you've been a great asset to the abstract concept of existence. You've done everything that we hoped you would do, and then some. We couldn't have asked for more from a complex life form.

You brought an energy to the human race that just wasn't there before you entered the world, and for that you need to be commended. However, we aren't here today to tell you how great you are and shove a rainbow up your ass.

I don't think I need to tell you that this is a very bad economy. Companies all over the world are letting go of employees. You probably already know what this is about, but I should probably spell it out for you: Your services are no longer required on the planet Earth.

I know, I know, it's harsh. You're being fired from life. You've had better days, but don't get too down. This isn't your fault; it's just that existence is being downsized and you just happen to be one of the most unnecessary people in all of existence.

Now don't take it the wrong way. This does not at all mean that we don't value your years of production. You've produced enough carbon dioxide during your run to provide life to a small, sick tree for a small fraction of it's life. And how could we forgot all the waste you've produced? All that feces doesn't come cheap, no it doesn't, so don't think we don't appreciate that.

If we ever need someone to enter the human race, contribute nothing to the planet except crap and gas, and do nothing except barely graduate from high school, spend a lifetime working at Kinko's and fall asleep on the couch while eating corn chips and watching Comedy Central, we'll give you a call. It might happen.

Who knows? We're always looking for new temps, and you might just be a perfect fit for us down the road, even though you clearly aren't a perfect fit for us at the current time. But there's always the possibility. What if there's a nuclear war in the future? We'll need somebody, anybody, to repopulate the human race after total Armageddon. And we happen to know that copulation is something you've always wanted to do.

And you can always use us a reference in your search for another existence for you to exist in. If we ever get a call asking about you and what, if anything, you ever did to benefit and advance your race, we;ll make sure to include that time in middle school when you beat 23 other 12-year-olds to win the remedial spelling bee, even though you cheated. We'll also make sure to leave out the vast majority of your accomplishments, because we really respect you.

Really. We do. We want you to find another great dimension you can exist in, just as long as it isn't this one.