Christian marriage under siege

[Stark]

This is a bit of satire I wrote and am trying to spread around as much as possible. There are many forums I lurk at and this is one of them so I thought I'd take the opportunity to actually post something. Perhaps it can be used to show how ludicrous the current situation in regards to gay marriage seems to nonbiased observers.

Christian marriage under siege
Bizzaro Land Gazzete, Sept. 5 2004

Increasing efforts by liberal politicians and lobbying groups in recent months have solidified plans to ammend the constitution to ban christian marriage. A senior white house staff member tells BLG that "There's a long standing tradition of homosexual couplings in this country. In recent decades we've seen an increasing number of religious extremists and activist priests who think they can marry any two people as long as one has a penis and the other has a vagina. To protect the sanctity of marriage we need to put an end to this."

A recent BG poll suggests that the public supports such a ban, with 67% in favor of it. One young hairdresser told us "I don't have anything against christians but they shouldn't be allowed to marry, it's just unnatural." A female lumberjack, when asked if she supported the ban, responded "...and what's next? If we allow them to marry then will come the polygamists, and then the pedophiles. By the end of the year people will be marrying their dogs, and the last thing this country needs is a bunch of pedophilic, beast loving christians flaunting themselves in the streets."

On the other hand many christians we interviewed seemed confused over the entire issue. A prominent youth minister who asked to remain nameless told us "Well, it took me ten years just to tell my fathers that I believed in Jesus. They didn't take it well at first but after a while they became accustomed to my lifestyle. Just being comfortable with my beliefs was difficult enough without actual laws to discourage them, but what kind of message are we sending to our kids if they're told that getting married is going to hurt others somehow? Is christian marriage really so dangerous that we need to ban it?"

President Gore, who had remained quiet on the issue until recently, has been quoted as saying "...people need to realize the dangers that come with christianity. Some would have you believe that anyone should be able to marry anyone else. But I know differently. I know that to keep gay marriage safe from these extremists we need to take their right to marry and stick it in a lockbox, hidden under the bed of the american taxpayer. If justice prevails in the end we'll be able to stop the forward march of the christian menace with one, final solution."

Gore's unusually excited stance on this issue has motivated gays across the country to get involved. Most simply donate money to lobbyists or protest at christian gatherings but some have taken it to a dangerous extreme. The Bizarro Gazzete was able to get a few fleeting comments from anti-christian activist Michelle Phleps. "Do you realize what these people want to do? If they have it their way there would be a church on every corner and a bible in your child's desk. We need to take these heathenistic n'er do wells and put them through a reprogramming session to cleanse them of their unnatural tendancies. Give me a jesus lover and I'll have him prancing around, singing showtunes by the end of the day--and he'll thank me for it."

Whatever your stance on the christian marriage issue most agree that this will be an important concept in the comming election. The anti x-tian activists do have one notable critic however. The increasingly unpopular aclu has threatened lawsuits against the federal government, saying that not only is this a blatant attempt to corrupt the constitution, it's an attempt to draw attention from the "more important" issue of the war in North Korea. An aclu spokesman tells us: "Here we are sending our youth to another country to fight a war that may not be necesarry and everyone's up in arms about christian marriage. I mean, it's not like people will be forced to marry christians, they'd only have to tolerate other people marrying christians, which in no way diminishes the 'sanctity of marriage'."

One way or another society could drastically change in the coming years. As activism on both sides of the issue increases so will attention to the issue itself. And neither side seems to think that's a bad thing.

-Crazy Hair, BLG 2004

[Emu]

Christians should be capitalized. Also, don't tell people it's a satire before they read it.

[Stark]

Originally Posted by Emu

don't tell people it's a satire before they read it.

I considered that but the last couple places I shared this I ended up getting some nasty responses from people who completely missed the point. Unfortunately I can't trust folks to get it on their own (especially around here)