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kellychaos · #1

A coupla nights ago it got real cold and their was a "Twilight Zone" marathon on the science fiction channel so I decide to stay home and smoke a big fatty. Anyway, halfway through that episode where that lady gets plasitic surgery and at the end we realize that all the medical staff are pig people and she is not but wants to be, I realize that I left my dog out in his kennel on this horrendously cold evening. Realizing my mistake, I stumbled out into the blustering cold only to find my 150 lb rottweiler frozen standing up like a taxidermy specimen. I went back to bed. Upon waking up and checking to make sure that it was not a dream, I find my pooch is still a dogcicle. I soon realized after a futile attempt that the ground was way too frozen for me to attempt any kind of burial ceremony. Worried, I called the local animal shelter to see if I could have him "taken care of" (whatever it is they do to them). I explained the circumstances to the local staff member and he was very understanding as he is a big fan of Rod Serling AND the aformentioned product. We finally came to an agreement that he would take my dog in and he would keep it on the down low as long as I brought him a couple of pinners. Alas, there is the rub, my friends. My dog is quite large and my trunk is quite small so I'm faced with two options. How do I get him to the animal shelter 1) I can buy some butcher paper, slice him up into manageable pieces and stuff his wrapped remains in the trunk, or 2) I can mount him, a la the granny in the first "Vacation" movie to the roof of my car. The trouble with option one is that, as nice as the animal shelter guy seems to be, I'm not sure how he'll take a canine chopped to ABA (American Butcher Association) standards. The trouble with option two is that I'm not sure how I'd explain to the police a dog surfing on the roof of my car with the assistance of bungee cords. I'd appreciate your help as soon as possible as rigor mortis will eventually stop its effects and the weather will soon become warm thus making the dog more pliable and stinky ... not to mention messier to slice.

sadie · #2

add some carrots and potatoes. DOGGY STEW!

kellychaos · #3

Actually, I was thinking of a nice roast ... with Chiante and farva beans.

Malevolent · #4

You existence is a waste on so many levels.

CastroMotorOil · #5

i just feel sorry for the dog

Jixby Phillips · #6

A coupla nights ago it got real cold and their was a "Twilight Zone" marathon on the science fiction channel so I decide to stay home and smoke a big fatty. Anyway, halfway through that episode where that lady gets plasitic surgery and at the end we realize that all the medical staff are pig people and she is not but wants to be, I realize that I left my dog out in his kennel on this horrendously cold evening. Realizing my mistake, I stumbled out into the blustering cold only to find my 150 lb rottweiler frozen standing up like a taxidermy specimen. I went back to bed. Upon waking up and checking to make sure that it was not a dream, I find my pooch is still a dogcicle. I soon realized after a futile attempt that the ground was way too frozen for me to attempt any kind of burial ceremony. Worried, I called the local animal shelter to see if I could have him "taken care of" (whatever it is they do to them). I explained the circumstances to the local staff member and he was very understanding as he is a big fan of Rod Serling AND the aformentioned product. We finally came to an agreement that he would take my dog in and he would keep it on the down low as long as I brought him a couple of pinners. Alas, there is the rub, my friends. My dog is quite large and my trunk is quite small so I'm faced with two options. How do I get him to the animal shelter 1) I can buy some butcher paper, slice him up into manageable pieces and stuff his wrapped remains in the trunk, or 2) I can mount him, a la the granny in the first "Vacation" movie to the roof of my car. The trouble with option one is that, as nice as the animal shelter guy seems to be, I'm not sure how he'll take a canine chopped to ABA (American Butcher Association) standards. The trouble with option two is that I'm not sure how I'd explain to the police a dog surfing on the roof of my car with the assistance of bungee cords. I'd appreciate your help as soon as possible as rigor mortis will eventually stop its effects and the weather will soon become warm thus making the dog more pliable and stinky ... not to mention messier to slice.

Jixby Phillips · #7

WHY DON'T YOU SUCK ITS DICK??

kellychaos · #8

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jixby Phillips

WHY DON'T YOU SUCK ITS DICK??

As much as I believe the thought of that vile bit beastiality might benefit some people's wanton desires, that won't bring my beloved pet back to life.

Matt Harty · #9

I will take it, as long as I don't have to pay S&H.

glowbelly · #10

I WAS WRONG, KELLY C....

YOU ARE NOT A FREN O' MINE.

kellychaos · #11

Oh relax! Just a lil attempt at dark humor. Actually, with the cold streak we've been having, my dog's been staying inside my house for over a month now. That's not an easy burden to bear either as he big, affectionate and pushy about it.

glowbelly · #12

it was your "attempt" at humor that has made me decide you are not my fren. it has nothing to do with killing aminals. some of my best friends eat creatures.