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Mar 24th, 2004, 04:06 AM
My review of Passion of the Christ
The movie review site is not taking reviews right now, so untill it is I'd like to share with you my review of Passion of the Christ. It was so hard to write this thing, because I had so many ideas and jokes and stuff that I was trying to get in. It was pretty tough. I haven't even really read this myself. Please tell me what you like and what you don't like and what should be changed, etc.
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Why talk about this movie NOW? I know, It's so three-weeks-ago. And yeah, it's no longer number one at the box office (Who would see this over "Dawn of the Dead," anyway? I mean this only has ONE zombie and it's not untill the very end). But for me to leave it unreviewed would make me feel empty. The only reason I saw it was so I could review it; I was coming up with jokes for this review before I even saw one frame of this movie. Really, I just need them to not go to waste. So please, humor me. Pretend this is topical.
Also, it should be mentioned that there were some jokes that I came up with that were really kinda "you had to be there" jokes, that can't be worked into a movie-reviewing context. These jokes are listed below for your enjoyment:
1. The day before this movie opened, I was working usher, and my boss was all like "Where's the rope?" and somebody else was all like "What for?" and my boss was all "I need it for the lines of people for tommorow when 'Passion of the Christ' opens." So I said "Why don't you just use nails?" (NOTE: my boss didn't hear me and it was very disapointing).
2. While the movie was playing on it's opening weekend, Instead of exclaiming "Jesus Christ" (as in "Jesus Christ, it's cold outside!") I started saying "Passion of the Christ!" (NOTE: you gotta be topical, man)
3. While cleaning after movie-goers in the theater this movie was showing in, I picked up a half-full bottle of water, acted suprise and exclaimed "what the f-- there's wine in this!" (NOTE: I found out my boss made the same joke the day before that)
4. This guy walked into see "Passion," and he had a box of tissues with him. I turned to my friend, pointed to the man, and said "pervert." (NOTE: I stole this joke from my friend Willie)
5. While watching parts of the film in which Jesus was being whipped and beaten, I turned to my fellow co-worker (also watching the film) and whispered "freeeeeeeeee-dooooooooom!" in her ear (NOTE: That's from Braveheart)
And now the bad review!!
Passion of the Christ is a film about the last 12 hours of Jesus Christ. This film strives to show the truth of what happened objectively, putting the events into perspective. Jesus got beat and whipped in slow motion a lot, while opera music played. It's gives you a completely different frame of reference.
The film doesn't bother with much backstory; but it does ocassionally cut, or flash-back, to earlier parts of the story. It makes the film feel like the second part of a trillogy. I say trillogy because the ending completley feels like it's leaving it open for a sequal. Mel Gibson, mediocre film-maker extrodinaire, requires us to not only bring our own knowledge of the backstory, but also requires us to bring our own emotional attatchment to the characters. This makes Gibson's agenda very clear: The point of this movie isn't to teach about Jesus Christ. No, the point is to make Christians cry.
As indicated by the list of hilarious jokes at the top of this review, I work at a movie theater. And I witnessed many a people crying their eyes out at this movie. And to people like me, it's hysterical to watch! The only reason to see this movie is to watch the audience cry! The movie almost seems mean-spirited! It seems to revel in making the audience cry! Jesus gets beat up a lot, and you can hear everybody gasping and crying. Then, it'll stop for a while, but then it'll dramatically cut to what is no doubt going to be another brutal sequence that is going to be more awful than the first. It's almost as if the movie is going "You think that was bad... oh wait till you see this!" The movie invokes so much reaction from it's audience, that I'm convinced that this movie should become the next big audience partipation movie, like Rocky Horror. Or, better yet, it should employ William Castle-like gimmicks. A cry-baby corner where people who can't take it have to go to be mocked by other members of the audience, who have chosen to go on and endure the tears. A skeleton of jesus could jump out of a box and fly over the audience on a wire! Imagine the film cutting out in the middle, to hear "JESUS IS LOSE IN THE THEATER AND HE IS FORGIVING ALL YOUR SINS! WHEN YOU FEEL A TINGLE IN YOUR SPINE, YOU GOTTA SCREAM!!!"
Back to the crying, it's hilarious especially when you have to work as an usher. People will file out the theater, crying so loud. Imagine that going on, only moments after you and your surly friend have been cynically making fun of the movie, getting disaproving glares from elderly people who are coming from it, as if you're making fun of Jesus himself. People crying and sobbing in big group-hugs. And the best thing of all, is that they'll be loitering in the hallway, so we can insensitively walk up to them and tell them they have to get out of the hallway. So the'll shuffle out, still in group hug (remember the last episode of Mary Tyler Moore?), still crying. They can't do anything but cry. It's great!
The movie is absurdly violent. Jesus endures all kind of pain, proving that he's the original Jackass. Imagine Jesus being whipped with hooks by Steve-O, while Bam Margera looks on and laughs. Many critics say that if the movie weren't about Jesus, then it wouldn't have gotten an R rating. See, Tarintino shouldn't have cut "Kill Bill" into two films. He should have just made it be about Jesus!
The film contains many other absurdities: a hilariously dramatic, slow-motion coin-pouch being thrown across a room, a stupid centurion that almost seems like he's going to be a comic releif character, a joke about tables and chairs 'never catching on' (It's like the jokes from "The Wedding Singer"), and a gasp... it's one of those gasps that came off a sound effects record that you can point out is in so many other movies. My Jaw dropped to the ground at all these moments. How could these moments possibly exist in this film?
This movie is about Jesus, thus making the film pretty much critic-proof. What I mean by that it may get bad reviews, but because it's about Jesus, nobody is going to care. You can't get people to think objectivly about this film because there is too much emotional attachment. But there's something so... I don't know, evil about it. Not convinced yet? Mel Gibson, when asked about the bad reviews that the film has gotten, he said -- get this -- ...he forgives them.
Perhaps we should crucify Mel Gibson. Or better yet, we should hang him, the way Jesus should have gotten it. It would make a much better necklace. No, lets not do that to Mel. Afterall, he's going to make his next film, and it's going to be about one of the Jewish holidays. I forget which one. But I think I saw it the first time... WHEN IT WAS CALLED "INTOLERANCE!" HA!
If I go to hell, I'm sure Gibson is going to be the one who sends me there. I'm getting too old for this shit.
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Like two days ago one of the horrible rednecks I work with was like "Have you ever seen that Braveheart movie? That movie pissed me off! They killed him at the end! He was the main guy and they cut off his head!" I then explained that William Wallace was a real guy and he was like "oh." 
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