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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Oct 4th, 2011, 06:05 PM        "The Slammer" !
I just discovered this newspaper today at a convenience store near Foy's. For some reason, they had the nudie-magazine protocol of having to ask the cashier to get one out from behind the counter.

It reminds me a little of Mew Barios' "CRIMEBEAT", with some Smoking Gun and Cops mixed in there. And yes, this is a totally serious newspaper.





They also have a blotter-like section.



Most of the ads are for bail bond places, so this must be the Society Pages for the local meth-heads.



For the intellectuals, there are stimulating crime-oriented puzzles.



Where has this been all my life?
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k0k0 k0k0 is offline
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Old Oct 4th, 2011, 06:44 PM       
When I was a private investigator I'd make rounds to all the bail bonds places to pick up wrap sheets on people that skipped out on their bond. Then I'd track them down and bring them back. Fun stuff if you like sitting in the car for 10 hours a day or more. Neat magazine though. Weird that you need to ask someone to receive it.
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Old Oct 4th, 2011, 11:55 PM       
The mug shot of Damon Oliver is my favorite of the bunch.
Keep posting these if you will, Kitsa. You've got some true entertainment gold there!

Also, how the hell have I never heard of "Manties" until now?
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 12:09 AM       
I'm more of an Anthony Carlisle man. Wonky eye and weird open mouth face pose make it a delight. And who would assault a firefighter? Dude's not trying to stop you from doing anything but lighting fires.
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 12:33 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by k0k0 View Post
I'm more of an Anthony Carlisle man. Wonky eye and weird open mouth face pose make it a delight. And who would assault a firefighter? Dude's not trying to stop you from doing anything but lighting fires.
Someone with downs syndrome like Anthony Carlisle.
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 01:09 AM       
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Originally Posted by Kitsa View Post

Fourth box from top left (red head) is sort of hot. I hope she's innocent.

Bottom right just cracks me up.

PS: There is a drug called crank? I thought that was just a joke.
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 03:14 AM       
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Originally Posted by Zhukov View Post
Fourth box from top left (red head) is sort of hot. I hope she's innocent.

Bottom right just cracks me up.

PS: There is a drug called crank? I thought that was just a joke.
It's just a slang term for meth. I wish there were more drugs with actual cartoony sounding names but science has to ruin everything.
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 03:32 AM       
Crank was what we used to say if we were trying to sound like uninformed parents.

"Are you listening to hippity hop and smoking crank?"

Times change.
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 05:39 AM       
I felt bad about making this thread because I really like MewBarios's "crimebeat" better. When I bought this, I was wishing it was like "crimebeat" but it's mostly just mugshots and bail bond ads. It's like someone made "world's dumbest criminals" into a newspaper, but most of the mug shot groupings are simply making fun of appearance, e.g. "wrinkly rascals" or "tatted up and locked up!".

And yes, if I find another edition you can be sure I'll buy it and post it. I took one more picture that was a page of celebrity-lookalike mugshots, but my camera battery died. I'll have to take it again.
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k0k0 k0k0 is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 07:33 AM       
Well if MewBarios wants to change that, he better post more crimebeat. You can't help showing us this. And some of us got a kick out of it, so no regrets.

And doesn't the bunny story from Ketchican, Alaska sound like a horror movie until they just kind of slip it in that there was a fire later on in the paragraph? I was reading that and like "God, I don't want a bunny if it's gonna scratch holes in my chest while I sleep" before I saw what happened. The writers of this shit are horrible at it. They're like "One time there was this rabbit and it scratched the fuck out of this lady's chest. I mean, went to town trying to scratch them tits up. The woman woke up panicked, grabbed her daughter and ran out of the house scared for her life. Oh, and there was a fire or something"
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 07:40 AM       
Ohh i think Margaret Allen is getting hot for Damon Oliver's hairy neck mmmmmmmmmm
great post btw, i like the story about the old man who cut holes in his neighbors roof so it would get flooded. it's good for the elderly to keep active.
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 07:55 AM       
I have a bit of a problem with the blotter because manties and big hair aren't exactly "police blotter" material. They should have just called it weird stories or something.

This was the first time I'd ever seen it. I'll have to keep an eye out. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, so having to ask the clerk for one ("And, uh, one issue of 'The Slammer', please") gave me the rush of adventure one might expect by asking for a pack of, I don't know, Newports or whatever you kids smoke. For a moment I was exponentially cooler than I really am. Then she handed me the newspaper and I was back to normal.
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 08:00 AM       
It's cooler when you steal the cigarettes. Back when I was a kid they had stands set up in convenient stores selling cigarettes right in the middle of the store. We couldn't buy them, so we'd just grab them that way. Or ask an adult to buy us some, but that way is so uncool. What did you do with the cigarettes if you don't smoke?
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 08:04 AM       
I didn't write that clearly. I meant that having to ask for an issue of "The Slammer" from behind the counter was the closest I was going to get to the action of asking for a pack of cigarettes.

There was a cigarette machine in the bowling alley near my grandparents' house. I remember it well, I was fascinated with the fact that just anyone could go up and put coins or whatever in and get a pack. Nowadays hipster artists use old vending machines to dispense shitty "art trading cards" no one wants. I know this because I've both seen the altered machines and been asked to do artwork for the packs.

If the art were of something cool maybe I'd consider it, like that etsy request of John Cena buggering and choking Daniel Tosh.
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k0k0 k0k0 is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 08:18 AM       
Ahhh, I misread, sorry. I'm not a hipster, but when my roommate and I were doing our neighborhood paper, we had stolen a newspaper box from one of the convenient stores. It was one of the ones for a paper that had gone out of business and wasn't being used. Then we spraypainted it black and put our logo on it. Then threw it back out there and used it to distribute our shitty paper.
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Zhukov Zhukov is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 09:11 AM       
I once bought a pornography magazine when I was about 15, and the guy behind the counter gave me a dirty look (not as dirty as the looks I was about to have! Fnar fnar!) and an audible "tsk". He was the one selling that sort of disgusting material, so I don't know why he was so uppity about.

I nearly shat myself working up the courage to do it, but was amazed I got away with it.

I think my mum found it later on and threw it out.

Koko, that is actually pretty cool.
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Oct 5th, 2011, 09:43 AM       
I once had to go into the "back room" of a video store to rent Caligula. They'd put it back with the pornos because of the content. It's a tad awkward being the uncomfortable 18 year old girl in the room of uncomfortable and horny 50-something year old men.
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Old Oct 6th, 2011, 10:14 AM       
Don't feel bad for them, they brought it on themselves.
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Old Oct 6th, 2011, 11:48 AM       
I remember having to visit the 'magazine' shop because they'd have pretty good deals on porn vhs videos during the transition to dvd. So many sick perverts there. I bought like 5 videos. I lost my copy of Edward Penis Hands though. That makes me sad. It was terrible but awesome.
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Oct 6th, 2011, 12:42 PM       
I got locked out of a car once, pre-cellphones, and the only place open nearby was a porn store. They were really nice. They gave me a coathanger to get back into my car with.

I think it's funny how porn store clerks go out of their way to dress as visually unappealing as possible. I always see them in no makeup and big turtleneck sweaters, sort of like Velma.
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Old Oct 6th, 2011, 01:03 PM       
I got hit on by the hottest porn store clerk I've ever seen one time. And one of the hotter ladies I've seen. She came onto me and said I was cute and all of this shit...while I was with my girlfriend at the time. My girlfriend was pissed at me for a week about not saying anything, but I had my arm around her the whole time!
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Old Nov 1st, 2011, 12:28 AM       
Why does Wadshun Burch have a sanitary towel for a beard. ?
If i was a bad ass crim like him i'd have stole Damon Olivers, for sure.
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Nov 2nd, 2011, 11:09 PM       
I was in Columbus today and looked for another edition of "The Slammer", but all I could find was a Slammer-alike called "Busted!" It had its moments, but it was generally nowhere near as entertaining.



Note the name of the intense-looking gentleman in the center.



"If you're going down, call Chuck Brown!"



A reading from Romams:


This "obituary" column made absolutely no fucking sense to me whatsoever.



This is helpful, I guess...



I love this ad.

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Zhukov Zhukov is offline
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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 12:36 AM       
at Alpacino.

at the obituaries.

at that ad.
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k0k0 k0k0 is offline
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Old Nov 3rd, 2011, 01:04 AM       
It's like someone got told to write down celebrity obituaries and they just wrote out a bunch of random ones. So weird.
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