Features

Shipwreck · #1

Alright, ladies and man-ladies, listen up! Have I got some news for you.

As you may or may not have known, G.I. Joe is coming out in volumes, separated by seasons, and then separated against by Parts 1 and 2. So far, three of these volumes are already out.

DO NOT BUY THEM. IF YOU ALREADY HAVE, I HATE YOU.

The problem is that for every one of these volumes that you buy, I've only been receiving a fraction of a penny for royalties. With so many people involved in creating the series, including the people whom the characters were based on, the money needs to be divided among everyone in an "equal" fashion. What that means is that the bigwigs putting the DVDs out get the biggest cut, followed by the producers of the cartoon, and then people like me get chicken shit at the end.

But there is good news. After lengthy negotiations, I have managed to increase my royalties pay! My main argument was that so many of the other Joes have since passed away (either in war-related situations, or various organ diseases brought on by the poor food supply provided to us by the U.S. Government), and most of them don't even have families. The ones that do or did don't deserve any payment whatsoever.

So now, effective starting October 3rd, 2004, for every volume that is sold, I will receive $0.07! I am very pleased with this, and I encourage you all to celebrate my good fortune by helping me pay my bills, whilst you enjoy reliving some of my classic adventures!

Season 1, Part 1
Season 1, Part 2
Season 2, Part 1

If you've already purchased any of these, I demand you contact me for an address in which you can send checks to. You have gone out of your way to personally insult me and rape my dream of a comfortable retirement, and you owe me amends in the form of AT LEAST $25.75. The high payment is a reflection of the traumatic experience you have put me through ON TOP of the royalties I deserve.

So what have we learned today? We've learned that you shouldn't go out and buy something until you are aware of who your money is going to. We've learned that Roadblock's family won't be having Christmas this year. And we've learned that if you're old enough and you complain enough, people will give you more money.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. GO JOE!

Helm · #2

Go fuck yourself.

Anonymous · #3

With a bucket of LOVE

Helm · #4

DO YOU KNOW:

GI is an old World War II term that means General Issue and Government issue!

kellychaos · #5

GP, meaning general purpose, was later bastardized into Jeep. Most people currently use to refer to a certain make/model of vehicle.

Crying Baby Jesus · #6

And that shipwreck was a homosexual from newfoundland who deamed of being a pirate but the other pirates don't like bum sex so they mad ehim move to chicago

Supafly345 · #7

Shipwreck is someone I want in my foxhole, so I am going to say he is so cool.

McClain · #8

Hey now... Let's leave good old Shipwreck alone. He's one of the good guys, out there fighting Cobra with his trusy parrot and musket combination. Where's the love?

eggyolk · #9

I hate you shipwreck.

McMock · #10

What? Your post is too long for me to read. I tried, but the style in which you write doesn't appeal to me. Is what you are saying here that you are the guy who invented GI Joe? If so, congratulations on your succesful invention, but I hardly think there is anything you can accomplish with that on the internet.

I have never played with GI Joe dolls. I had one ghost busters figure, the grandmother whose stomach ripped open to reveal a really long tongue and an alligater-like set of teeth. I wish I had some GI Joe's to kill her with, but all I had was my sisters Ken, and a legion of transformer robots.