The column I wrote for next week is very similar to this one I wrote a few months ago that I don't think I ever posted here:
http://at.mio.uwosh.edu/story.asp?is...915&story=2111
Except I think it is much more LOL intensive. Since I already wrote it, I guess I can share it with you people, my only friends. Enjoy!
There are many things to love about summer: slowly developing skin cancer by absorbing as many deadly ultraviolet rays as possible; treading water for several hours in a swimming pool that is composed of 50 percent chlorine, 45 percent urine and 5 percent water; and forgetting everything you've learned the previous semester by not using your brain for several weeks and inhaling fatal doses of freon from the air conditioner.
But by far the most enjoyable activity during the summer months is spending a small fortune to see a terrible movie. Who doesn't love a good movie? Who doesn't love paying seven bucks for a tub of popcorn coated in artificial butter topping that tastes more like salt water than butter?
Or sitting through 20 minutes of commercials before the previews even start? Or sitting behind the middle-aged guy who smells like feet, talks to the screen, appears to be shedding his hair and is wearing a jogging suit despite the fact that he clearly does not jog.
The start of the summer movie season should be considered a national holiday, like St. Patrick's Day or Festivus. But deciding which movie to go see can be a difficult and strenuous decision. Discussions about "what movie should we see?" often degenerate into screaming arguments, and then spiral down into violent knife fights.
Somebody should, as a public service, decide which movies are bad and which movies are terrible for the stupid masses. But do you really want to trust the opinions of typical movie critics? Those people are educated, and usually don't enjoy watching reality shows and traveling to New York for the sole purpose of trying to be in the audience of Total Request Live. You people need someone with similar tastes, someone illiterate and oafish, to give you movie advice.
Which is why I'm here. But instead of using a complicated system of judging movies, like thumbs up or thumbs down, my system is much more effective. I rate each movie by describing which horrible act of torture I would rather endure than see it. It's so simple, you'd think an idiot came up with it.
For those of you who read my columns on a regular basis and have the ability to remember things for more than a week (both of you) this might seem familiar to you. But don't think this is just a humor columnist of a college newspaper rehashing a bad idea for a column he did back in February just because he ran out of ideas three weeks early. Oh wait, that's exactly what this is. Sorry.
Bringing down the House
Steve Martin and Queen Latifah make audiences pray for the sweet release that only death, or a broken movie projector, can bring. A hilarious fish-out-of-water comedy that somehow ruins Steve Martin's career more than Sgt. Bilko did, proving to critics once and for all that he really can do worse. Hilarity ensues.
rating: I would rather have funnels painfully shoved into my tear ducts and caustic soda poured in than watch this garbage.
Malibu's Most Wanted
Jamie Kennedy portrays the wannabe rapper son of a wealthy California politician. Kennedy makes funny faces, speaks ebonics and is the butt of plenty of Vanilla Ice jokes. In an attempt to appease the millions of people who couldn't wait for Malibu's Most Wanted to come out, this movie was rushed into theaters before anybody had a chance to add jokes to it.
rating: I would rather have my eyelids removed with gardening shears, force fed three bottles of Nyquil and forced to watch a marathon of Step by Step than watch anything Jamie Kennedy is remotely involved with.
A Man Apart
Professional shaved ape Vin Diesel does lot's of really cool stunts involving cool cars, motorcycles and really big guns. There's also a character named Diablo, so you know it's totally bad-ass.
rating: I would rather have my face shredded on a cheese grater and citrus juice squeezed directly onto my painful scars than watch this movie.
What a Girl Wants
Amanda Bynes plays the stupid American who travels to England in this hilarious fish-out-of-water tragedy. Bynes poses with those Buckingham Palace guards with the fuzzy hats, eats boiled British food with absolutely no taste and dies of mad cow disease.
rating: I would rather have hot glue poured into my anus with a turkey baster than watch this trash.
It Runs in the Family
Three generations of Douglases mock me with their very existence in this heart warming comedy. Starring Kirk Douglas, Kirk Douglas's idiot son and Kirk Douglas's idiot son's idiot son.
rating: I would rather have a rather large rope shoved down my throat and pulled out my ass extremely hard so that the rope is taut, and be used as a buoy at a public swimming pool than watch this crap.
The Real Cancun
Loser college students become seriously depressed as they watch more attractive, more popular college students have fun partying in Cancun by getting alcohol poisoning and vomiting into each other's hair.
rating: I'd rather have my head run over by a bus than watch this movie.
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
Since original ideas don't exist any more, and every single good idea ever created has already been ripped off, somebody decided to rip-off a bad idea by making What a Girl Wants, except this time in Rome and with different actors. What the hell do you people care, it's not like any of you are going to see this.
rating: I'd rather be viciously beaten with an aluminum baseball bat than watch this delightful fish-out-of-water comedy.
Daddy Day Care
Eddy Murphy really, really needs some work, and if he doesn't get some money soon he'll be forced to shoot a convenience store clerk and steal a king's ransom of scratch-off lottery tickets, and if that happens they'll never be another Beverly Hills Cop movie! That's why this movie exists.
rating: Remember what Kathy Bates did to James Caan in Misery?
Rugrats Go Wild!
What sounds like a pedophiles dream come true is actually a crossover between two Nickelodeon shows: The Rugrats and The Wild Thornberrys. This movie succeeds in embarrassing Tim Curry, boring thousands of parents of A.D.D. afflicted brats to death and treating "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by the Clash as if it were a typical Baha Men song.
rating: I would rather watch Bringing Down the House than watch this filth. That's right, you heard me.
And that's my attempt to piss off anyone who would even consider reading my column by insulting movies someone might actually like, even though I have never seen any of these movies and I have absolutely no qualification for evaluating cinema.
But then again, the only qualification Roger Ebert has for critiquing movies is the fact that he co-wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls with Russ Meyer. So who are you going to believe, someone who hangs out with Russ Meyer or me?
FEEDBACK PLEASE
What did you like, what didn't you like, what the hell ever.
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