Jan 21st, 2005, 12:27 PM
The Realization
At some point in all of our lives, we arrive at a startling realization that can only come during a moment of sheer ineptitude. This realization can best be described in the following way: "I suck at life." Many of you have already experienced this for yourselves, while others of you have been lucky enough to avoid these scenarios. Rest assured, however, that your day will come. What follows is my personal account of when I first realized this for myself.
It begins yesterday, as I was leaving work. The drive home is about an hour long, and according to the gas gauge in my car, I have just over half a tank remaining. Wrong. This inaccuracy quickly comes to my attention about 40 minutes later, when the gauge is hovering around "E". No problem, I'll just pull off at the next exit and fill up. After all, the light isn't even on yet, so I have plenty of time. Wrong again. I manage to coast across two lanes of traffic and park along the shoulder of the highway with my hazards on. Still not that big of a deal; I'll just call home and have someone come help me out. Strike three. Guess who decided to leave his phone in his desk at work for the first time ever.
Alright then, so it becomes apparent to me that I'm gonna have to start walking, or freeze to death on the side of the road. Fortunately, from where I am I can see the local mall, so I'll just walk over there and find a pay phone. I scrounge up some chance, and begin my trek, starting to walk along the highway. At this point, I come up with the brilliant idea of walking through the woods, as this would take about half the time as following the road would. So, I hop the guard rail and slide my way down the hill into the woods.
The first obstacle I encounter is a group of pricker bushes blocking my path, but at this point, I'm not about to let some thorns stop me from reaching my goal, so I shove on through. After receiving only minor scrapes, I begin to notice that the ground I'm walking on is quite icy. Nope. It is ice; as in ice on top of a frozen over pond which just so happens to inhabit these very woods. Of course, since God hates me and all, the ice cracks beneath my feet, and I'm suddenly up to my knees in freezing water.
I make a hasty retreat back to the road, trying to ignore the newly formed reservoirs that are contained within my shoes. I revert back to walking along the highway, which I know realize will take me about 20 minutes to reach the mall. During this walk, I have plenty of time to think about how my life will be after having my feet amputated. Maybe it wont' be so bad, I'll tie some rollerskates to my stumps and propel myself around with a broom. Maybe it'll be fun.
About halfway to my destination, it dawns on me that while numerous cars have been passing me, not one person has attempted to slow down and offer me any assistance. I wave at some of the cars, hoping to attract their attention, but to no avail. Shortly thereafter, I begin to notice a cold sensation on my fingertips. Blood. Whether I cut myself on the pricker bush or the jagged ice is inconsequential at this point, as I'm walking along the highway with a long black jacket on waving my bloody hands in the air in an attempt to get somebody to stop for me.
After another 10 minutes of walking and convincing myself that I have pneumonia, despite the fact that I know nothing about pneumonia, I finally reach the mall. My shoes are still soaking wet at this point, so after I call home I decide to buy some replacement socks and shoes. I get a cheap pair of sandals, and sit down on a bench in the middle of the mall to change out of my preiously-white-but-now-brown socks. So I'm sitting on a bench in the middle of a mall, with my "business casual" attire on, wet from the knees down, two bloody hands, bare feet and a bag of wet shoes. It was at this point that I finally realized that I suck at life.
Feel free to share your stories of sucking at life, and to anyone who actually read this entire post, that act alone might meet the requirements.
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I don't get it. I mean, why did they fuck with the formula? Where are the car songs? There's only one song about surfing and it's a downer!
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