I had another Moment of Realization yesterday, much like when I cured my depression by realizing I was being gay.
At the beginning of the week, I was dreaming that I was talking to HER. I was explaining that I would like to be friends with her again and how I reacted really badly and wasn't myself for most of the summer. However, it was going badly.
Everytime I said something, she would shoot me down or make fun of me. Then there was a bunch of stuff that I forget.
But, then she said, "I want the things that are important to me to be perfect." After that, I woke up.
Of course, when you wake up from inside a dream, the last few seconds of it are always vivid in your mind, and I was all like, "Whoa. My subconscious is amazingly cruel." So, I made it feel better by looking at some porn.
However, since then (between that day and yesterday), I had this strange nagging feeling that I can't quite explain, except that it started bothering me more since I resumed classes on Thursday (most likely because SHE is also at university and not talking to me). She's not in any of my classes anymore, because she hated computer science and switched to a different faculty, so sitting there without her nearby to talk to feels strange.
So, yesterday, as I was leaving the food court at a mall downtown and thinking about how far downhill the Subway there has gone, it suddenly occured to me that in all likelihood, my dream had nothing to do with her.
Up until that point, I had thought of it as a representation of my underlying fear of being rejected. However, I suddenly realized that, while that opinion is probably a little valid, this was my subconscious talking, not her talking inside my head. Of course, this made me stop in my tracks, and some fat Native lady almost bumped into me, so I moved to the side and thought about it some more.
I had assumed that her voice inside my head was what she would be saying, but trying to anticipate her actions and read her mind is what made me depressed in the first place. Then, as soon as I had thought that, I immediately came to the conclusion that since it was my dream, it was therefore my subconscious and anything that she said in my dream was actually being said by me, and therefore based on all my thoughts, experiences and emotions.
Upon reaching this conclusion, I then realized that it is me who wants important things to be perfect (although this might be true for her, as well, there's no way for me to know without asking, so thinking about it is a waste of time).
I know this is true now, because not only can I relate that statement to the events of the past few months, I can think of dozens of examples from the rest of my life.
My psychology professor said that the subconscious mind is a very interesting thing, because your brain is constantly working and thinking without you being aware of it. I think that the nagging feeling that I had for the last week was a side-effect of my brain working on this problem.
Needless to say, this new realization has allowed me to look at things from a different point of view. Part of why I got so hung up on trying to figure everything out in the summer is because it wasn't working the way I wanted it to be, and so I kept trying to do things to change it.
I feel a lot better today, even compared to how I felt when I cured my depression, because now that I'm aware of how I look at a situation, I can try to cool it and accept the flaws that I can't change.
Linear Mode
