Feb 28th, 2004, 12:27 AM
An account of my personal health, and wellbeing 1/12-2/27
Over the last few months I have felt a bit slipping from my sanity.
At points I woried it was my adopted family, work, or even the woman I love(d). I'd wake from horrid nightmares of entrapment, entaglement, and honest sigular metophoric terror. Was I trapped in a family I didn't want? Was I trapped with a Job I couldn't handle? Was I trapped in a realationship that was dying? These questions I could not answer, and I dare not seek outside help for the fears of the concerns of my fears finding out. This beast of fear I fought with and let it take over my life, I began to destroy my life not because of what was happening to me, but what i feared was going to happen. I stayed up late at night to avaoid going to bed with the women I loved, I shunned her children so they would not feel the need to interact with me, I began to do a less then my standrad of work at my place of employment as so they would not expect that much from me. The results as you can imagine less then what I wanted, fearful or not. I still have my job but I have lost everything else, all that made it all worth it. Durning my decent into fear I also made a slower decent into madness. I worried what others were saying of me, how well I was being recived by the average person walking down the street.
To change the opinions of those who knew me I became someone else, a different person, a person who was quiet, a person who cared little of anything. To the common man on the steet I was a ferral mess, why should I want the common man to worry about me, wonder why I look sad... No the common man must fear me, as I fear all that is around. I beared my teeth, I made wild coments, and horrid looks at all who looked back at me.
I had lost sight of all that I had loved and cared about, including my own well being. I refused to sleep. I did not injest food; I only consumed coffee, tea, large amounts of alcohol, and smoked an endless supply of cigarettes.
Personal hygene was lost on me as well. Bathe I did not, grooming was a think of common man, and I was not common at all. I was not common man for he sunned me, he did not care for the way I looked and the way I carried myself in public.
For most of my life music, and art had been a very important part of my life. Durring this time I did not listen to music except for tunes of murder, fear, and death. My art took a dark turn. Images of bizzare tortured souls, and of death . I have always been a man of light, humor, and kindness. That was no longer who I was. I was an empty shell of my former self. A mocking husk of all that was formally me.
Humor of other I took as attacks on myself. A coment would send me into an agressive backspin. The wrong answers to a simple question would make me doubt the loalties of the closest and most deeply cared for in mylife.
I would like to announce that last week I got a haircut, today I ate a Vegan Ruben, Yesterday I shaved and Showered, the day before that I sat and listened to Beastie boys as i drank Orange Juice while drawing pictures of Monkeys on bikes, the next day I plan to cook a meal for the first time in weeks... I am back, not just here... But in spirit, mind, and body...
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normally because its too much effort to be a miserable bastard for any length of time.
I don't get it. I mean, why did they fuck with the formula? Where are the car songs? There's only one song about surfing and it's a downer!
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