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McClain · #1

Your Pillow Says Hai Thar

If a pillow learned
a thousand words
from all the heads it held

I hope it learned
to say one phrase
"Your hair's the worst
I've smelled!"

It Ain't Easy Being Towel

I've held on tight to lots of things.
Stink and Dead skin make me scream.
But worst of all is when the snot
wipes off your nose and on my spot.

Then to-morrow morn it's a dried yellow stranger
Like a broken Triscuit; jagged, spiked with danger.
When drying your face you must be careful -
A dried booger in your eye would be dreadful!

A much fair fate
would be the case
of a stranger's curly pube
as you blot your face.

"But wait, my hair ain't black!" you cry.
With a pube on your tooth and snotspike in your eye.
"This has to be
the worst shower ever!"
But don't blame it on me.
Towels aren't vengeful. Ever.

'Cept for the times you use us wrong
Like wiping up vomit or wrapping a bloody thong.
But apart from that we're rather forgiving.
How would you like soak funk for a living?

Frozen Grocery Cornish Hen Can Dream, Too!

I do a lot when the lights go off
like pretend I'm Fred Astaire
But it's hard to dance with cause and grace
while my wings are tied with care.

One time I tried to mimic birth
So I squeezed myself between
two pieces of raw thaw Steakumz,
I know it sounds obscene.

But when I berthed I came out clean
across the grocer tile.
I shot out 15 feet away
in a pool of umbilical bile.

It wasn't really afterbirth,
but a mess of rotten beets.
Oh, and I also used a can of beans
and gelatinous pig feet.

Bon Appetit!

Evil Robot · #2

wobzire · #3

You sure showed him!

McClain · #4

He's mad because I hate Jews.

Chojin · #5

I am sorry that people don't care about these lovely threads, McClain.

Maybe if you included more erotic Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction?

McClain · #6

The picnic was going well.

Knuckles then grabbed Sonic by the spines and bent him over the wheel well in the bed of their 95' Isuzu Pickup.

Sonic told Knuckles that he wanted to reenact Brokeback Mountain. Sonic had to grunt the request through a twisted jaw because Knuckles was using his forearm to mash Sonic's face against the inside of the truck.

"I'll be Jake Gyllenhaal and you get to be that dead guy, but you have to rail me like a dead guy would," said Sonic. "No silly! Dead guys don't wear latex!"

Knuckles ran his knuckles up to Sonic's hedge. Then he hogged his pink-thing in Sonic's exhaust like a hot taquito in a bowl of refried beans. Which is exactly what they were going to be having for lunch at the picnic.

Sonic sqealed in misery as Knuckles strangled him with his tail and punched him in the back of the neck. And rode him like a lolcat on a monorail. And stuff.

How am I doing?