Haiti, Bush, Next Big Mess

[davinxtk]

Not to mention the French Revolution.

And even then, half of them lost.

[DamnthatDavid]

Ok, ok, I found this history nitpick once long ago, and I have found it again.
Saddly, the original page I got it from had links to historical info on every war. (Added some more I found myself)

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
(During the Revolution, the French Congress declared war on Austria. No one noticed.)

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

[Zhukov]

I don't think anyone laughs at those anti-French jokes anymore. :/


One of 92 000 Frenchman who gave their lives during a six week campaign of resistance in 1940.

[The One and Only...]

Originally Posted by DamnthatDavid

Ain't you Canadian?

Chimp would already have slit my throat if I were a canuck.

The American Revolution?
bah, we would of won, just would of taken longer.

Please. If the French hadn't flanked the English at Yorktown and cut off reinforcements, we would have been toast.

[Zhukov]

Toast? I think the yanks would have won eventualy. That doesn't mean that French interferance wasn't welcome, though.

[The One and Only...]

Maybe, but it would have been a long, painful haul.

Of course, the British fought like idiots anyway, what with the red coats and lined-up units...

[The One and Only...]

And about Bush "protecting" America from Haitian refugees... I feel your pain, Burbank. That and the trade embargo are only aggravating the situation.

It seems these rebels are members of the military. That could pose some problems, because the last thing we need to do is act Haiti's military for a while and pump out more money for reconstruction. I suppose if it gets too bad, military intervention is a last resort, but surely some sort of diplomatic answer is in order.

[Zhukov]

It seems these rebels are members of the military.

Don't people listen?!

OH SHIT

Feb 29, 10:29 AM (ET)

By PAISLEY DODDS and IAN JAMES

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (AP) - Haiti's beleaguered President Jean-Bertrand Aristide resigned and flew into exile Sunday. Gunfire rang out through the capital, and the United States said an international peacekeepers - including Americans - would be deployed soon.

The head of Haiti's supreme court said he was taking charge.

U.N. diplomats said key Security Council members would begin to talk Sunday about a resolution to authorize an international force.

Prime Minister Yvon Neptune said at a press conference that Aristide resigned to "prevent bloodshed."


(AP) Rebel leader Lois Jodel Chamblain celebrates after news of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide's...
Full Image


At the same news conference, U.S. Ambassador James Foley insisted the United States had not asked Aristide to resign.

"President (Jean-Bertrand) Aristide made a decision for the good of the Haitian people," Foley said. "International military forces including U.S. forces will be rapidly arriving in Haiti to begin to restore a sense of security."

A jet carrying the ex-leader landed on the island of Antigua for refueling and was headed to South Africa, local radio stations reported. But the government in Johannesburg said there had been no recent contact with Aristide nor an offer of asylum.

Three hours after Aristide's departure, Supreme Court Justice Boniface Alexandre declared he was taking over as called for by the constitution. He urged calm after more than three weeks of violence.

"The task will not be an easy one," Alexandre, who is in his 60s, said at a news conference. "Haiti is in crisis. ... It needs all its sons and daughters. No one should take justice into their own hands."

Despite Alexandre's declaration that he was in charge, the Haitian constitution calls for parliament to approve him as leader and the legislature has not met since early this year when lawmakers' terms expired.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20040229/D8110AJ80.html
There's pictures, too.

[The One and Only...]

What I mean to say is that other than these ex-military rebels, Haiti doesn't seem to have any strong military force.

[El Blanco]

While they didn't deliver much in the way of ground forces, the French did come through with strategists, logistics and naval support.

Oh, and Zuk, I always laugh at French jokes.

This isn't some sort of holocaust or ethnic cleansing. There's no evil Baath-esque regime that needs toppling in Haiti, just a revolution.
Why does America need to get involved?
We're playing bully on the playground here, and I'm sick of it.

Just where exactly do you think this sort of thing goes if left unchecked? You want us to wait until the bodies line the streets in every Haitian village?

"Ok, 2 million Haitians have been summarily executed, now we should look into intervention."

[DamnthatDavid]

I don't think anyone laughs at those anti-French jokes anymore

As Americans, it is our duty to laugh at the French. They laughing at us. So why not return the favor?

[Zhukov]

What I mean to say is that other than these ex-military rebels, Haiti doesn't seem to have any strong military force.

Sorry, my fault. I guess I jumped the gun...

Oh, and Zuk, I always laugh at French jokes.

Okay, I don't think anyone with a brain lauhs at those jokes.

One of two things will happen: either the US marines will move in to make sure the murderous thugs settle in nicely and perhaps move the furniture around a little, or the rebels will be shown for who they are (but not who supported them) and will be replaced with a puppet of Washington leading to possibly more armed bloodshed.

[davinxtk]

Originally Posted by El Blanco

Just where exactly do you think this sort of thing goes if left unchecked? You want us to wait until the bodies line the streets in every Haitian village?

"Ok, 2 million Haitians have been summarily executed, now we should look into intervention."

At least we'd be following historical precedent.

[mburbank]

Duvalier is now actively talking about returning to Haiti. I wonder if he'd be interested in buying a democratic election?

Seriously, we could talk to him and get him to agree to do things the way we want them done in Haiti the way we want them done, and then we could buy him an election. That way we'd have our own pet dictator on the throne and be supporting democracy at the same time, which seems like a win win to me. Plus, dictators we prop up never turn against us. We've been very lucky that way.

[kellychaos]

Aristid's been proven to be a failure at leadership not once but twice. At the very least, he should be thanking us for smuggling his ass out of there before something worse happened to him rather than accuse our troops of virtually kidnapping him. I say, let them duke it out amongst themsevles in a big island cage match and support the winner. The only time peace-keeping seems to work is when we actually occupy the country ... and I don't see any kind of trade embargo being that effective when a country is already that poor.