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Shipwreck · #1

Greetings, Mr. Mockery. It has recently come to my attention through navigating these message boards that you are in the process of creating a zombie film.

Well, lemme tell you something, Johnny McNancypants! Look no further for your star, for I have arrived.

As you know, I had quite a career in the special forces under the United States government. Our achievements were documented in various mediums, in which I had an extensive hand in. Acting, writing, stuntwork, and so on.

Granted, I am on in years now, but I can still pull off work superior to Arnie or Sly or Vin or Ashton. And you fucking owe me anyway, you panty princess. You insulted me and my years of service on more than one of your "funny" articles, and this is your chance to make an apology by casting me in the lead.

Here is a list of requirements for my services;

-All-expenses paid trip to wherever the movie is being filmed, including a trailer and an apartment to use as living quarters.

-$100,000 contract payment, as well as a 2.5% profit sharing.

-Creative control over my character.

-Guarantee that my character will return in all sequels or other I-Mockery film projects.

-A professional masseuse, LEGIT. I will supply my own sexual gratification.

-A large supply of toilet paper, as I suffer from the summertime condition of Itchy Ass, and require frequent wipings.

I look forward to out future business partnership together. And here's a little bit of advice for your filming; For the decaying effect of the zombie skin, use potato flakes applied to the skin with water, and all to dry. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!