GOTTA GO! GOTTA GO! GOTTA GOOOO!!

[Geggy]

last night for dinner i had tacquitos and a hostess cupcake for dessert. balanced diet for shizzle. i woke up feeling fine, but on my way to the train station :bluuurb i began to get some rumblings and no, i wasn't hungry.

i got panicky when i felt the brown wave of death coming on. call it what you will, 'hershey skirts', 'mudslides', 'the trots', 'the squirts', 'the runs', the 'green apple splatters', the 'dribbles', 'the shits', 'shitting water' or as i refer to it 'the demons.'

do i turn around and go in late? i didn't want to get stuck on the train with explosive diahrea. keep in mind, there were only a few tremors. nothing indicated what would happen next.

sitting on the train, i had to squeak a little fart. when i did, it opened the flood gates. (cue people singing hallelujah!)

i felt the warm, red hot shit blast in my pants. down the back of my legs. i was in crisis. the girl next to me looked as if she was going to throw up once she realized what had happened.

what the fuck am i supposed to do? if i get up, people will see and i will trail shit all over the floor. i can't sit on the train, it's the last stop...what do I do?

ok, so the last paragraph was a lie. haha. anyway, back to the story.

i was on the train and the demons began to tear apart my insides. clawing and screaming, trying to get out of the abyss. i did every mental game possible to try and ignore my bowels.

this wasn't your PARENTS diahrea! this was pain personified. i had to walk ten minutes to work, and let me just say, i felt like moses walking through the desert.

the building was finally in my sight and i managed to hit every cross walk stop sign imaginable. whenever an emergency like this comes up, you're always walking or driving behind slow people, things just seem to get snagged and time grinds to a halt. today, a guy put his hand in the elevator door just as it was closing, preventing my straight shot to the 14th floor. then five other people got on. i gave every last one of them a dirty look.

there is no clean way to end this story. no clean finish. nobody came out smelling like roses. i just look at what happened this morning as if it were figure skating. i survived. grace under fire.

today, i was michelle kwan. or nancy kerrigan in her prime. or that hot slut kristina yamaguchi (who was one of the first women to 'pop in' when i began masturbating). yeah, i was kristina yamaguchi today. in a black sequin skating outfit. that was me this morning.

i may have slipped on the ice but i landed my triple sowkow and for that i'm glad.

[Captain Goodtimes]

Stories for the bored forum