Feb 12th, 2008, 03:18 AM
Honest opinions needed
Hello forum folks,
Long time lurker, new poster.
I don't know why I am using this as a podium for my problem, the only thing I can think of is that since I am relatively new to posting here, the opinions will be based on my story, rather than a personal feeling towards me, which is what I am looking for here. Unbiased opinion. Sooooo, here goes:
I am 31, married for 9 years. My wife and I have two children that are not mine, but I have raised as my own due to fatherly abandonment.
To say our marriage has been rocky would be an understatement. We have separated 3 times in that time span, but each time we have figured out a way to work it out, or so it seemed. Neither of us have ever cheated or physically abused the other, so the trust is not an issue. Whenever she would tell me she wanted a divorce, I would cajole my way back into it, and we would promise each other that this time would be different, we would work on our issues, do X Y and Z, and get things back on track. Things would move along swimmingly until the next major issue.
What were the issues, you might ask? Well, honestly, in the first few years of marriage, I was a lazy sack of shit. I never helped around the house, I didn't work for a while, and generally was a, well, dickhead. While I love her and have always loved and respected her, I treated her like shit. I was always jealous of her going out, god forbid she drink and meet some guy. I had a lot of security issues, and I still do, but not as vile as I used to be. I thought she was fucking every guy she came into contact with, and again, while I never physically hurt her, the emotional damage I inflicted plays a part.
Truthfully? That's it. For her part, her major issue was that she is not a communicator. She puts on a happy face, while inside she seethes and stews until it is too late, and then lets it out and expects me to understand things that she only knows in her head, because she didn't say anything about it until she was at the edge, all the while putting on a happy face.
I know that doesn't delve into the entire pie, but it's the crux of the entire situation, that's all there is to it.
In the ensuing years, this situation would play itself out every so often, but we always came back because we loved each other. We always worked it out, no matter how angry or severe our feelings were. In this time, I have tried to better myself and the way I treat her, and I think I've done a good job. I thought she was getting the vibe, but apparently I was very very wrong.
Which leads us to the present:
Approximately one month ago, for christmas, I took the kids and went on vacation while the wife stayed behind to work. When I arrived home, I was greeted with a bomb: The kids' father had contacted her after 8 years and wanted to make amends and be back in the kids' life. This news, immediately after arriving home, did not sit well with me, only because of the fact that he was absent for 8 years and NOW wanted to get involved. How convienent. Well, I didn't protest. I went along with her decision to let the children (Who are 12 and 10 by the way) make the decision to see him, which they wanted to.
After the first two times they hung out, she decided to tell me she wanted a divorce, and this time, it was for real. She has been unhappy for a long time (While, might I mention, she treated me as if nothing has been wrong, for the most part), and just wants to not be married anymore, to me or anyone. Since she dropped that bombshell, she has been spending a lot of time with him, texting, calling, etc, but insists that until we are divorced, nothing is happening between them, not even a hug. They just get together and talk and reminisce about the old days. To her credit, she has never lied to me, not that I know of.
About two weeks ago, we had a fight, adn she told me she was not going to come home that night, which was fine with me. I told her that was fine, but to please call me when she got where she was going, and she told me she'd be home first thing the next morning. Well, when I woke up at 11:30AM, she was nowhere to be found. On a hunch, I decided to take a ride over to her ex's parents' house (where he is staying pending HIS divorce from his wife), and who's car was outside? Hers. I decided to place a call to her, but got no answer for 2 hours after that. Finally, she calls and tells me where she was, and then tells me that nothing happened, the kids were there, and why would I think anything happened? She did admit that what she did, while not inherently WRONG, wasn't cool and that she wouldn't do it again.
Yes, I know going there was a bit messed up, but I never made my presence known.
Since that day, things have been semi-decent, but with spates of rocky road, mostly when it comes to him. I have been trying to just be nice, be a good husband, and nothing is working. We have been civil and even happy with one another, but anytime the happiness gets too good, it seems, she has to remind me that nothing is changing her mind and that THIS time is it, which frustrated the fuck outta me because I don't want this. I don't control her, I don't tell her what she can and can't do, but this bugs me. We end up fighting, we yell and scream, but then something makes us not want to leave one another. She was supposed to have moved out about 3 weeks ago, but hasn't made one move to do so, and that is bugging me. Not because I want her to leave, but I personally think we need to separate to start healing. I do want to mention that she has a few palces she can go, while I have none, because I live where she is from and not my hometown. She is ok with that. The reason we haven't left, mainly, is because we are stuck in a lease on a rental until July, and our landlord is a cocksucker, and won't let us out of it.
I don;t know what to do at this point. There is a lot I've left out, so if anything isn't clear, please ask, there may be a lot to explain to better clarify this. I am so hurt and confused right now that I don't know where to turn, because I don't have any impartial sources to turn to to vent. I am really lost and hurting. I am not suicidal, but I feel very hopeless at the moment and don't know what to say or do to make things better anymore. I want to let go, but it's hard, because other than what I said, nothing else is a problem for us, besides the usual married couple crap.
This is where you guys come in:
I'm just looking to make heads or tails of this, and I would like honest opinion on this. I figured since there was a forum for it here, it might be a good resource for me, since I have nowhere to turn. I am sorry if this rambled, but that's the speed my mind is working at during this crisis, and I don't know what else to say.
Please, help me figure this out. Any and all opinion is welcome, pro or con, good or bad, I just want the straight dope.
I'm sure if there is interest in this, more will be revealed and made clearer, so if you have any advice ot anything, please help.
How fuckin' depressing, whining about my wife on a comedy site. Gotta love it! =)