Features

Jeanette X · #1

What would you do if you were the last person on Earth?

I thought about it, and although I'm sure I would eventually go crazy, I would start by having a lot of fun.
First I would go to Washington D.C. Firstly, I would bathe in the reflecting pool. Then I would go to The National Museum of the American Indian, where I would shave my head into a mohawk, paint my face with warpaint, grab a tomahawk, and head to the National Portrait Gallery of the Smithsonian, and slash Andrew Jackson's portrait in the Hall of Presidents. I would also hack Custer's buckskin coat to little bitty shreds, along with any other artifact that displeased me. Bush's portrait would placed on the floor and be used as my personal toilet. Then I would take The Napoleon I Diamond Necklace from its case and wear it. The Hope Diamond necklace is bigger, but I'm not touching it because its supposedly cursed. I would also take the crown that Napoleon gave Empress Marie Louise. I'm the Empress now, dammit.

Then I would go to the Pentagon, and paint a giant peace symbol on its roof. Afterward, I would go the Lincoln Memorial, climb onto Lincoln's lap, and tell him what a good little girl I've been and what I want for Christmas.

After doing this, I would go into Congress and put animal carcasses, stuffed toys, store manniquins, and dolls in the seats. Then I would preside over the Senate and cast tiebreaking votes between the Roadkill Party and the Dolly Party.

Then I would go to the White House, where I would strip naked on the lawn, daub myself in body paint and a strap-on dildo, apply some "Parental Advisory" pasties to my nipples, and blast the most obnoxious punk rock imaginable from a boom box as I danced wildly.

Then, naked and sweating, I would enter the White House's Executive Residence, find which presidental bedroom was last used, masturbate furiously on the bed, wipe my vulva on the curtains, and slide down the banister of the Grand Staircase. Wheee! Then I would go in the Oval Office, climb onto the desk, and loudly proclaim my might.

Then I would have a pleasant walk in the White House Rose Garden.

pac-man · #2

I'd like to say that I'd loot Best Buy and a grocery store and hunker down with a shit ton of video games, DVDs, snack food, and beer until the depression became too deep and I just shot myself. However, it's much more likely that I'd just let the madness take over the minute I realized that I was the only person on the planet. Necrophilia and a feral nature would ensue, followed by either one of two scenarios. The first scenario would place me as a king among the beasts, able to make use of human technology to master the natural world while simultaneously being part of it. The second would have a search party finding me, and me explaining to my family that I finally hit rock bottom and needed help.

Pub Lover · #3

I would find me one of those doctgory labs with the genetic manipulation stuff. and I would play around in there until the frustration of beong too stupid to clone myself a mate over came me & I trashed the place. I would then find another such lab.

I would also switch the Large Hadron Collider on & walk away. Sad in the knowledghe that it didn't blow me up in some cool way. I would also learn all the words to a movie. I don't know which one. I know cars already pretty well, but I don't know if that would be cool.

Jeanette X · #4

I believe I would also take a big heavy sledgehammer and safety goggles over to the nearest SUV dealership. I would also break into Area 51 and find out what the hell they've really been doing there all these years. There'd better be some neat aircraft in there, or I'm going to be pissed.

Dixie · #5

I would carry out human cloning experiments.

Pub Lover · #6

Dude, you are way sexier than me, but don't start saying you're smarter than mew, oh man, I'm so mad.

Jeanette X · #7

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pub Lover

Dude, you are way sexier than me, but don't start saying you're smarter than mew, oh man, I'm so mad.

Yeah, I don't think any of us could manage that. How the hell would I fertilize a human egg with my body cells and then implant it into my uterus? I can barely operate this computer.

Of course, maybe I could toddle off to the sperm bank...

pac-man · #8

Nobody is smarter than mew.

Dixie · #9

That's why it'd be an experiment.
I'd try to grow one in an artificial sterilized womb.
And name it Gladys.
Not saying it'd work, just saying I'd try as well.

Pub Lover · #10

Mine was that I din't have the system to create young inside me. You ladies have, what? Seven-Eight years & you have a fully functional counterpart.

I have a pig womb & a lot of alcohol. That shit ain't flying.

Pram Maven · #11

I would animate dead people, pose-to-pose... like King Kong.

Dixie · #12

Technically I can't really create either (which is a good thing I assure you), which is why I'd need to perfect an artificial womb.
Pig wombs have other uses, such as fashionable head gear.

DuFresne · #13

Nobody else alive would mean there's no one running the power plants, so almost all of the things said so far in this thread (the plausable things, that is) would sadly be impossible

To answer the question, I'd probably just kill myself.

Dixie · #14

Maybe The Rapture happened in this hypothetical situation. Some stuff would run for a little bit in a quick vanishing.

Chojin · #15

I would explore! Load up on ammunition and all sorts of weapons and shit.

I would also get a spanish galleon, just to cross that off 'the list'.

Pram Maven · #16

I would drink an entire bottle of maple syrup. Then, I'd stuff pancakes down my throat with a kabob, and make a mental bet about how many of the pancakes would be saturated by the syrup before I choked.

So basically, I would bore myself to death.

executioneer · #17

set. EVERYTHING. ON. FIRE!

DuFresne · #18

That's what I'm hoping will happen with I-Bapery.

executioneer · #19

Pram Maven · #20

With all due respect, I changed it back...
I-Bapery looks cool, but on my monitor (gamma's slowly going out) it's hard to read.

Esuohlim · #21

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pub Lover

I would find me one of those doctgory labs with the genetic manipulation stuff. and I would play around in there until the frustration of beong too stupid to clone myself a mate over came me & I trashed the place. I would then find another such lab.

I would also switch the Large Hadron Collider on & walk away. Sad in the knowledghe that it didn't blow me up in some cool way. I would also learn all the words to a movie. I don't know which one. I know cars already pretty well, but I don't know if that would be cool.

But before you did any of that you'd post in the chat room thread continuously for four hours

Guitar Woman · #22

Quote:

Originally Posted by executioneer

set. EVERYTHING. ON. FIRE!

I'd do this too!

McClain · #23

Destruction. Lots of it. Burning, breaking, shattering, shooting, smashing, bashing, toppling, crashing, tossing, stomping... to name a few. I'd defecate wherever. Probably on a department store countertop. Then I'd look over at a mannequin, grab its clothes and wipe my ass while saying, "Don't mind if I do!" I'd then put the clothes back on the dummy and spend a good hour insulting it. "Look at you. You filthy piece of shit!" /spit

Like Chojin said, I'd try and procure a good amount of arms and munitions. Have to get some explosives somehow, too. Then I'd make my way to a large city. Probably Chicago. After that I'd get serious about securing as much non-perishable food as possible.

I'd spend a day hauling a toilet up a high rise (no electricity = no elevators) just to drop it from a height and on top of an expensive car. I'd probably take a shit in it before I dropped it... for my own ironic posterity.

I'd spend a day breaking into homes and plundering through belongings, because as sad as it sounds, I'd probably find it wildly amusing. Of course I'd be hoping to find something erotic. I'd spit wherever the fuck I wanted to spit, too. I'd light money on fire. I'd burn entire buildings just to watch them burn.

I'd spend a lot of my time watching television and playing video games, masturbating, bringing destruction, and reading books about Armageddon and survival. And I would totally make a badass garden. Something like this one:
http://www.botany.org/bsa/psb/2003/oriental_gardens.jpg

But most importantly, I wouldn't do a GD thing I didn't wanna' do.