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Rygo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Dallas
Feb 23rd, 2003, 02:44 PM
International House of Disillusionment
If you're like me, at one time or another, you've dreamt of all-you-can-eat pancakes. Well, my friend, this fantasy has finally become real. Welcome the International House of Pancake's (heretofore referred to as "IHOP") limited-time-only all-you-can-eat pan-cakes promotion. For the meager sum of three dollars and ninety-nine cents, you can partake in all the hot griddle cakes you can stuff into that fat capitalist American gullet of yours.
One fine Saturday morning my girlfriend and I woke, hungry from the previous night of passionate love making. We immediately figured that nothing would sate our appetites like a buffet. Often times the weekend affords opportunities to enjoy buffets and the like, whereas the work week's breakfast offerings are nothing more than a mere crossainwich or the like. We decided on either the special IHOP unlimited pancake promotion or Golden Corral. Unfortunately, after calling ahead, Golden Corral's breakfast buffet had ended forty-five minutes previous, so the choice was obvious: an orgy of skillet-cooked dough.
Upon arriving at the IHOP, it was fairly busy. We were told there would be a ten minute wait, so we took a walk around the outdoor-mall-cum-junkyard and came back. We were promptly seated, and within a minute or two the waitress approached. Her nametag read Mary, or Marcy, or Macy, something monosyllabic. We asked and were informed that we could purchase one all-you-can-eat and share it! My girlfriend and I were truly elated. Unfortunately, Marley returned instantaneously with the information that we would not be able to share, and would in fact be forced to purchase two seperate pancake parties. C'est la vie, I expected as much.
After a few minutes, an unknown waitress came to our table and deposited two stacks of five pancakes. We started into them with an enthusiasm unequalled except in the ferocity of a starving lion laying into a still-warm elk. The pancakes were decent, but we agreed that a breakfast that lacked eggs and a meat was not a true breakfast. After about the third cake, I began to realize my age-old adversary was rearing his ugly head: fullness. I decided not to acknowledge his progress and continue eating. I made quick work of my stack, while my partner in crime was still on her third.
My femmes fatale accomplice and I had made a pact somewhere after ordering that when we became full, we would order another stack, take a small bite, and then ask for a doggy bag. Seeing as how we were already pretty full, we decided to enact this plan b immediately. Unfortunately, our waitress was nowhere to be seen! Being seated next to the kitchen exit afforded us a peek into the discourse of the kitchen. It appeared that there was some sort of conflict, and our waitress was being forced off her shift. After trying in vain to signal a waitress for an ill-gotten-gain of another stack of pancakes, we decided to pack it up and leave.
Minutes later, our stomachs began to ache. We also had failed in our mission to try the most ubiquitous of syrups, boysenberry. Reeling from defeat and stomach pain, we vowed to blacklist IHOP forever. Hopefully, dear reader, you will learn from our mistake, and never travel forth into the depths of depravity that is the International House of Pancakes. As for us, we're planning on venturing into Golden Corral breakfast buffet country, in a vain attempt to trump the stomach ache that was the pancake orgy.
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