The start of my vampire saga

[Super Machine Neo]

DAMIAN: The Memory Remains...

This is a city... maybe even your city... that has a dark secret. An underground supernatural culture is hidden from the judgmental society known as the human race. The citizens of this society are made up of creatures once thought to be the stuff of human fiction and faerie tales: people like Werewolves, Elves, Draconians, and Vampires. They eke out normal existences as they live among you. Theres crime, poverty, and even rivalry in this strange civilization.
You are the first to know of it.



It was about 10:30 at night. A man walks into the video store that is devoid of business and customers. The clerk, whos leaning back in a computer chair, reading a guitar magazine keeps a suspicious look on him, because barely anyone comes here at this time of night. From the looks of the stranger, he looks in his early/mid twenties. Looking at him, it seems like he's an industrial clubber, or a street punk due to his heavy black trenchcoat and blonde hair that is buzzed in the back, and long in the front, obscuring his right eye, which was covered by slim, red tinted sunglasses. A black, wide brim fedora-style hat is riding on his back. This is our saga's Damian Warrington.

"Can I help you?" the clerk says irately, not taking his eyes off his magazine.

He stops. "No, thank you, I'll think I'll manage sir." Damian spoke in his native British Cockney accent. He then heads off to the Horror section of the store.

While browsing through the large library of tapes, he sees a beautiful Asian woman crouched over on the other end of the section, reshelving the "Faces of Death" tapes. Her figure intrigued him. Grabbing the tape he wanted, he walked a little closer to her, and silently watched her shelf for a moment. He was enticed by soft look of her face. He then broke the silence.

"Good Evening, miss" He started. She looked up at him, fully showing her face.

"Saw II is in the new releases". She tiredly uttered, then went back to work.

The full image of her face froze in his mind, and a small pain in his head made him wince. After opening his eyes, the woman appeared in an elegant black dress, and her hair up in a bun. On her side and neck were large bloody gashes. He stared in horror for a moment, as his heart pounded. He shut his eyes and opened them again. She looked normal again, only looking at him a bit irritated. He dropped the tape and quickly walked out of the building. The clerk jumped out of his chair as Damian sped across him. He dropped to his knees in the parking lot beside the store, firmly grasping his chest, and panting loudly. Slowly collecting himself, he weakly rose to his feet and hoofed it to the alley across the street, entering a door with a sign that reads "The Stake".

The Stake is an underground "blood bar", where vampires can feast on willing human "fangirls and boys", as well as get a stiff drink. The air is pungent of blood, and sweat, at least to Damian, who has a keen sense of smell, as is usual for a vampire his age. The vampires in the tables around the bar are talking up a storm with their seemingly adolescent hopefuls.



He slumps into a stool, and orders up a shot of Jagermeister. A great many thoughts are racing through his mind.


1918... After all these years, the memory remains

Damian was 45 years old when she died. Her name was Akiko Kitano, his human companion. She not only was his lover, but assistant in his work as a freelance soldier. Her death was very damaging to him. He can remember every detail.

Damian limped as he carried Akiko to the foyer of his house, lying her down gently. He had a large cut down and across his eye like a cross. A dagger the size and shape of a Bowie knife was sticking out of his back. Blood seeped out Akiko's side and neck, running through the spaces of the tile floor. Quickly grabbing gauze, he began patching up her wound, shakily saying "Youre going to be alright. Stay calm."

Calmly she smiled. The look in her eyes was a sign of euphoria, a symptom of massive blood loss.
Her eyes widened. The smile was quickly wiped from her face. At the same time, a large black rod burst from her chest. Her body rose from the ground as the owner of it emerged from a portal in the floor. It was a male humanoid figure dressed in a dark green two piece suit, and top hat. Akiko was limply impaled on his cane. Throwing her off, he walked over to Damian.

"It hurts you, doesnt it?" The intruder hissed. Looking over at the body, he smirked. "Actually, it probably hurt her more. I told you to stay out of my affairs, Mr. Warrington, you revealed my business, and now Ive reached my wits-end."

"You ruin human lives!" Damian retorted, with eyes ready to tear up. From off a plaque on the wall, He rips a particularly large sword with the word BANESTRYKE etched in the blade. With tears flowing from his eyes, he screamed "GEOFF! SHOW ME WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE!"

He charged at Geoff with the extremely large sword. Damian slashed it with great force considering his bodily proportions. Geoff stood there, with a large dagger like the one in Damians back, ready to block a potential decapitation. With an abnormal ripping noise, like tearing meat with bare hands, He sliced Geoffs stomach deeply.

Not so much as a squeal came from Geoff, who still is smirking evily. He put his hand on the wound, pushing in a piece of flesh hanging out of his belly. Suddeny, his image flashed and changed. His figure was now a red skinned, large, limbless, bulbous creature. Saliva reflected in his gaping blue mouth. A hypnotizing glare came from its singular green irised eye. A large, wide-open cut is across from where his cheek would be. He is a Cacodemon: an Interdimensional creature capable of traveling on two sides of the world in an instant.

Damian dropped to the ground, terribly exausted. The creature bellowed a low frequency howl of pain, and warped away in retreat.

After desperately crawling toward Akikos lifeless mound, Damian sunk his fangs in her cold neck with tears in his eyes. Feeling her flesh, he'd found that it was too late

[Emu]

I only had to read the first paragraph to know exactly how the story goes.

Vampire goes out for a night on the town to look for victim. He finds a female victim and nonchalantly begins bantering with her. Lady is unassuming, but maybe slightly suspicious. Vampire suddenly grabs her and bites her neck. Vampire leaves her body for dead, wiping off his mouth and nonchalantly walking somewhere else. Vampire nonchalantly walks into a rave consisting entirely of vampires where everybody is dancing to bad music. Vampire nonchalantly ignores the raveries and walks up to the bar/keg/alcohol wench and orders a drink. Vampire quickly finishes drink and walks out into the night. Vampire finds his way to the giant mansion in the outskirts of town where 200 other vampires live.

Well? Was I close?

Also, you can find something better to rip off of than Underworld, can't you?

[Super Machine Neo]

Not even, Dickwipe. I did alot of research to make sureI'm not ripping off anything. Please for the love of all humanity, read the whole fucking story.

[King Hadas]

I think the biggest problem with your story is that you keep shifting between third person perspective and choose your own adventure.

[DamnthatDavid]

I skimmed the story and my eye caught Mr. Warrington.

They are british (I assume just by reading one name and ignoring the rest of the story, for I also assume that it sucks)

[Johnny Couth]

Why is people think that if there were Vampires, they'd all be ravers/punks/goths that watch horror movies?

"From the looks of the stranger, he looks in his early/mid twenties. Looking at him."

We understand that he's looking.

"opened them again. She looked normal again, "

That sounds gross, say it out loud, try not to vomit.

"He dropped to his knees in the parking lot beside the store, firmly grasping his chest, and panting loudly."

Watch your tenses.

I'll read the rest when all the stupid mistakes in the first part are gone.

[Johnny Couth]

I rewrote the first couple paragraphs for you, to show how I think something like this should be written.

" The night is dark and lifeless, the video store at the corner of hawthorne and mechanic, normaly brimming with life and warm discussion was baren and empty, anyone that had plans to watch a movie tonight had already picked one out. The clerk, a young, poorly shaven man, glances at the clock impatiently. 10:30, another half an hour until the stores closes. The bells hanging over the entrance ring loudly as the door swings open.
"Can I help you?" The clerk asks, his voice gruff with frustration. He didn't want to be here, he wanted to be in bed watching his own movies. "No thanks, I got it covered." The intruder spoke with a thick cockney accent, the kind you'd hear in a Monty Python movie. The clerk had never liked Monty Python."

[glowbelly]

yeah except that first sentence should be at least 2 or 3 sentences.

sadie? SAAAAAAAAADIE???? WHERE ARE YOU????!!!

[Emu]

Originally Posted by Super Machine Neo

DAMIAN: The Memory Remains...

"Remains?" That implies that there was a story before this. Use this title for your second story. Get a better one for this one. I suggest "Batman Begins" if that's not taken.

This is a city... maybe even your city... that has a dark secret.

Ellipsis are terrible... Don't use them outside of character dialogue. Also, this line is dripping with cliche. Nobody wants to hear this again. Besides, it kind of loses the mysticism when half of your readers are fat white kids living in suburbia.

An underground supernatural culture is hidden from the judgmental society known as the human race. The citizens of this society are made up of creatures once thought to be the stuff of human fiction and faerie tales: people like Werewolves, Elves, Draconians, and Vampires. They eke out normal existences as they live among you. Theres crime, poverty, and even rivalry in this strange civilization.
You are the first to know of it.

Here you go from second person to third person to second person within the same paragraph. Don't do that. Also, it looks like you're trying to appeal to the furries with the "judgmental human race" thing. Are you trying to do that? Don't do that.

Also, it's spelled "fairy" tales. Not faerie, not fayrie, not fayry, not foyray. It's "fairy." Spelling it faerie just makes you look like some sort of elitist faggot and you're not one of those are you? good

"Theres crime, poverty, and even rivalry in this strange civilization."

That's an awkward sentence. Try "Crime, poverty, rivalry; all of these familiar human traits also plague this underground society." The semi-colon is a lost art; master it and you will succeed. See what I did there haha

It was about 10:30 at night.

You switch tenses here. Don't do that. Also, you could spice up this sentence a bit. "The time is about 10:30 pm." I can't really think of a less matter-of-fact way of stating it, but I think that's better than what you had and it sticks with your tense. In fact you may not even need the "pm" because your readers will probably assume that since it's a vampyr story it'll be at night idk

A man walks into the video store that is devoid of business and customers. The clerk, whos leaning back in a computer chair, reading a guitar magazine keeps a suspicious look on him, because barely anyone comes here at this time of night.

That's awful.

"At this time, a man enters the local Hollywood Video [or whatever] and begins flipping through the DVD shelf. [or VHS, or Betamax, whatever. Also, this establishes action!] The clerk behind the counter, the only other person in this desolate video plaza, idly flips through a Rolling Stone magazine. [Give the magazine a familiar name, that kind of bullshit draws readers in and makes it feel like it's really alive!] Perhaps, though, his flipping is a little too erratic, making it clear that he is paying more attention to his new customer's odd manner of dress and even odder choice of movie viewing times. [<--Establishes suspicious victim and sets you up to describe the main character!]"

i'll do the rest later or w/e

[Emu]

Originally Posted by Super Machine Neo

From the looks of the stranger, he looks in his early/mid twenties. Looking at him, it seems like he's an industrial clubber, or a street punk due to his heavy black trenchcoat and blonde hair that is buzzed in the back, and long in the front, obscuring his right eye, which was covered by slim, red tinted sunglasses. A black, wide brim fedora-style hat is riding on his back. This is our saga's Damian Warrington.

This should be a seperate paragraph. Also, never use things like "early/mid." Ever. It sounds like you're talking in some kind of fucking AOL chatroom. "He looks to be in his early to mid-twenties." We're grown ups now, you can spell out whole words.

I don't know what an industrial clubber is. Is that like a modern Barney Rubble? That's another thing, even though 90% of your audience do indeed believe that they themselves are vampyrs or half-vampyrs ("Daywalkers" we call them in the business) you have to assume that they're all functionally retarded and don't know the technical terminology. I think you should stick with just "street punk" because that's pretty universal. I mean we've all beaten up street punks on Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage before, right? Right

Also, you sound like you're describing him for an oral report. Try things like "If his long, black trenchcoat is any indication of ... etc" Try to work his description into the sentence, instead of listing off his characteristics. This is a short story, not a DND character sheet.

Instead of saying "This is ... Damian" try expanding it a bit. "His name is Damian Warrington, and he will be the focus of this story." Also are there any vampires NOT named Damian/Damien/Daymyn? I would like to meet a vampire named Ernest. Or Frodo. That would be sweet. Actually wait no, scratch that last one, I think that LOTR gay vampire slash fanfic ruined that name forever.

"Can I help you?" the clerk says irately, not taking his eyes off his magazine.

Irately is a stupid word. Try "the clerk says, irritation evident in his voice. His eyes do not leave his magazine."

He stops.

Who stops? The clerk stops? Damian stops?

"No, thank you, I'll think I'll manage sir."

These are two seperate thoughts and should be written that way. "No, sir, but thank you. I think I'll manage." I'm deliberating whether or not you should wipe out that "sir" entirely.

Damian spoke in his native British Cockney accent. He then heads off to the Horror section of the store.

You've got it written backwards. You need to establish that Damian has an accent before he speaks, not after. Also, you should add in some sort of response from the clerk before Damian leaves.

Here's your finished product!

"Can I help you?" the clerk says, irritation evident in his voice. His eyes do not leave his magazine.
Damien pauses and turns to the clerk, addressing him in his native Cockney accent: "No, sir, but thank you. I think I'll manage."
"Alright," the clerk grunts. Damian makes his way to the horror section, perusing their selection.

While browsing through the large library of tapes, he sees a beautiful Asian woman crouched over on the other end of the section, reshelving the "Faces of Death" tapes. Her figure intrigued him. Grabbing the tape he wanted, he walked a little closer to her, and silently watched her shelf for a moment. He was enticed by soft look of her face. He then broke the silence.

Hold up a minute. I was under the impression that nobody was in the store besides Damian and the clerk. You should probably establish that there are other staff members present; you don't have to describe them, but just hint that more than one is in the store. It's not necessary, but it does give the reader the sense that there's activity in the background.

Also, fuck, you switched tenses in the middle of a sentence. "Grabbing the tape he wanted, he walked a little closer to her, and silently watched her shelf for a moment."

It should be "he walks a little closer to her, and silently observes her continue to shelve the tapes." I say "observes" because walks and watches sound too much alike and it makes it seem like you're repeating yourself.

Also, it's a universal rule that all vampire victims are blonde white women. Asians and black people are immune to the effects of vampirism, unless they're born into it. Duh. You've seen Blade.

[Emu]

"Good Evening, miss" He started. She looked up at him, fully showing her face.

"Saw II is in the new releases". She tiredly uttered, then went back to work.

I'm going to assume you've never taken a fiction writing class and don't know how to do dialogue. That's coo g we can work through it

"Good evening, miss," he started.

Notice how I did it. Evening is not capitalized. There's a comma after miss, not a period, and "he started" is not capitalized as it is still part of the same sentence, regardless of the quotation marks. Also, "She looked up at him, fully showing her face" should be a new line, while the lady's dialogue should conjoin with that line. Observe:

"Good evening, miss," he starts. [<-- TENSE, DAMNIT, TENSE]
She looks up at him, fully showing her face. "Saw II is in the new releases," she tiredly utters before returning to her work.

Now, here, I don't know if you did this on purpose, but I don't think anyone could be so tired that their first response to "good evening" would be "Saw II is etc etc." Though I do like that you mentioned a contemporary movie by name, that's good. You should lead into it, though, like this.

   "Good evening, miss," he starts.
   The girl looks up at him, fully showing her face. She squints through the sleep in her eyes, trying to focus on his face. "Hello, sir," she says with a yawn. "Is there anything I can help you with?
   Damien takes a quick look up and down the horror shelves, a thoughtful look on his face. "What would you reccommend?"
   She pauses for a moment and looks thoughtful. "Saw II is in the new releases," she tiredly utters before returning to her work.

That sounds a little more realistic, don't you think? I think so.

Fuck, I wish I could indent in a quote box.

[Super Machine Neo]

The character of the asian Woman is not intended as a victim but miniscule sexual interest.

The memory remains is a refference to Damian's memory echoing throughout his psyche preventing him from romantically. sexually loving another woman.

Most of it needs a rewrite/extension , and I plan on doing such.

but gramattical errors aside ,do you think its a decent story for my first whack?

[Emu]

no

but then again i just don't like vampires

[Johnny Couth]

No, and I do like vampires.

[Emu]

I'm kind of upset that this thread died because it's ace and I'm really bored ok

Originally Posted by Super Machine Neo

The full image of her face froze in his mind, and a small pain in his head made him wince. After opening his eyes, the woman appeared in an elegant black dress, and her hair up in a bun. On her side and neck were large bloody gashes. He stared in horror for a moment, as his heart pounded.

Okay this part is kind of gay? I had to read it like 4 times to understand what the hell just happened. It seemed like Damian somehow used his vympyr magyck to turn her into a vampyress or something. You say she 'appeared' as if she just popped into existence that way. That's what confused me, I think. You should establish that he's having a vision since this isn't a 'Nam flashback where suddenly charlie is hiding behind every copy of "Misery." Fucking stream of conciousness bullshit why i oughtta

He shut his eyes and opened them again.

That's boring. This man just saw the ghost of his dead wife thing. You would think he would be a little more stunned.

"Damian reflexively took several steps backward and shook his head violently, trying to dislodge the image from his mind. When his eyes opened again, the Hollywood Video [or w/e] stood before him."

See? That adds action, and sets Damian's mood. It's much less gay that way.

She looked normal again, only looking at him a bit irritated.

Even not taking into account my editing, I think being irritated probably wouldn't be an appopriate response for this person. The way you describe her it seems like she's one of those unrealistic bitches people throw into stories to create sympathy for the [s]Mary Sue[/s] main character. Is there no strike out command on this forum I don't remember? Somebody get BAPE on that for me thanks

I would say it would probably be better to make her respond with some kind of detatched concern. Like, she doesn't really care if he's sick but she doesn't want him puking on his floor because she'll have to clean it up, right? You might even actually be able to work the bitch part into this

   Nondescript Asian Woman looks up at Damian as he staggers back. "What's the matter with you?" she says, irritated at  Damian's odd behavior.
   Damian drops the video tape on the ground and gives her one last, uncomfortable look before quickly walking towards the door.

Also you keep fucking up your tenses but you know that

He dropped the tape and quickly walked out of the building. The clerk jumped out of his chair as Damian sped across him.

There could be more here, I think. You could add more reaction from the Clerk, and put us in Damian's state of mind.

   The clerk looks up from his Rolling Stone [or w/e] to see Damian moving for the door. He stands and shouts something at Damian, but he hears none of it, enveloped in his own thoughts.

[Emu]

He dropped to his knees in the parking lot beside the store, firmly grasping his chest, and panting loudly. Slowly collecting himself, he weakly rose to his feet and hoofed it to the alley across the street, entering a door with a sign that reads "The Stake".

You and your fucking tenses GOD confusing the hell out of me

I do like this part though because it gives us some indication of Damian's trauma, though I think you should describe his pain more. What's wrong with his chest? Is he just having trouble breathing or is he having a heart attack or did he get shot and you forgot to write it? People need these kinds of details if you want them to write fan fiction

"Hoofed it?" Are we in the Midwest now? Thesauruses can be your worst enemy remember that ok


Describe the alley he enters in more detail. What's the street like? Are there people around to see him having his coniption? What's the alley like? Is it littered with shit? Full of dead cats? What? Also, "The Stake?" Real subtle. Real gay. Change the name.

The Stake is an underground "blood bar", where vampires can feast on willing human "fangirls and boys", as well as get a stiff drink.

Okay, there are a few things wrong here. I don't think a bar in the basement of some alley building technically counts as "underground." You would think a bar of debauchery and sin would be a little harder to gain access to. Does this bar regularly get raided by fr4t b0iz looking for a good place to pick up hott chix? Probably not, or else the vampyrs would all murder them, right? Sure. I think at the very least the place would have a butch door guard.

You lose a letter grade for using the word "fangirls/boys." This is C- material at best mister, you're on thin ice! If you want to pass my Condescending English 110 class you're going to have to bone up!

The air is pungent of blood, and sweat, at least to Damian, who has a keen sense of smell, as is usual for a vampire his age. The vampires in the tables around the bar are talking up a storm with their seemingly adolescent hopefuls.

The air can't be "pungent of" something. The air is just pungent. You could say "the pungent room smelled of" or "the room smelled pungently of" but not what you had.

Also: Keen sense of smell, usual for his age. Aren't all the people here vampyrs around his age? They all have the same sense of smell. Maybe I'm being nit-picky but that's kind of an unnecessary detail.

"In the tables" should be "at the tables." You don't sit in a table. You sit in a booth. You sit at a table. I'm restaraunt savvy, so I know these things. If you want to make it in the vampyr business and meet Anne Rice, you'd better learn these "tricks of the trade."

He slumps into a stool, and orders up a shot of Jagermeister. A great many thoughts are racing through his mind.

Fucking switching fucking tenses again

"Orders up" sounds like some kind of Southerner talk. He's supposed to be British or something, isn't he? Just say "orders." Also, establish the presence of the bartender.

[Emu]

1918... After all these years, the memory remains

What did I tell you about the ...'s?

Oh, the memory remains. I get it.

Damian was 45 years old when she died. Her name was Akiko Kitano, his human companion. She not only was his lover, but assistant in his work as a freelance soldier. Her death was very damaging to him. He can remember every detail.

Freelance soldier? In 1918? During World War I? Sure.

Is there even such thing as a freelance soldier? Aren't those people typically called "thugs?" It's your fantasy, so whatever.

Damian limped as he carried Akiko to the foyer of his house, lying her down gently. He had a large cut down and across his eye like a cross. A dagger the size and shape of a Bowie knife was sticking out of his back. Blood seeped out Akiko's side and neck, running through the spaces of the tile floor. Quickly grabbing gauze, he began patching up her wound, shakily saying "Youre going to be alright. Stay calm."

You could just say that a bowie knife was sticking out of his back. That gets rid of the unnecessary "size and shape" part. If walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck, know what I mean, nigga?

I think the tile flooring is an anachronism. I'm pretty sure people in 1918 didn't have tiled foyers. Hardwood was the thing back then. It also gives the house a more of the Gothic feel I think you're trying to go for. Then again, there's also the anachronism of the Japanese girlfriend, who very likely would not have been in England (or New England, as the case may be) in 1918. Though, once again, it's your fantasy, so whatever.

Where did he get the gauze from? Does he just keep it lying around in front of his front door in case of a freak murder? I mean I'm not the only one who does that, right?

I don't know that much about vampyrs really, but it seems like having a large dagger sticking out of his back would prevent him from...what is it? Walking? Yeah. This isn't Dragonball Z. Or is it?

Calmly she smiled. The look in her eyes was a sign of euphoria, a symptom of massive blood loss.

I know I told you that you should treat your audience like they're retarded (because they are) but every apprentice vampyr knows what euphoria is. This sentence sounds like you're describing it for a term paper. You should say "Her smile was euphoric." It establishes that she was smiling and surprises the reader.

I'm going to stop fixing your tenses now, cuz you can do that on your own.

Her eyes widened. The smile was quickly wiped from her face. At the same time, a large black rod burst from her chest. Her body rose from the ground as the owner of it emerged from a portal in the floor.

What?

No, seriously, what? I had to read that two times.

"The owner of it?" The owner of what? Akiko's body?

Portal in the floor? What kind of portal? Your writing is coming down with a severe case of Animu Syndrome, where you describe weird superdimensional shit going on and you assume everybody understands.

It was a male humanoid figure dressed in a dark green two piece suit, and top hat.

Akiko was limply impaled on his cane. Throwing her off, he walked over to Damian.

Cane? I thought it was a rod. How is she hanging from a cane? Does it have a razor-sharp end or something? We need more detail. I use "need" very subjectively.

[Emu]

"It hurts you, doesnt it?" The intruder hissed. Looking over at the body, he smirked. "Actually, it probably hurt her more. I told you to stay out of my affairs, Mr. Warrington, you revealed my business, and now Ive reached my wits-end."

"Doesnt" should be "Doesn't." "The" should not be capitalized.

Fuck, I'm just going to re-write this.

  "It hurts you, doesn't it?" the intruder hissed. He looked over at Akiko's body and smirked. "Actually, it probably hurt her more." The man looked back at Damian, his eyes gleaming with contempt. "I told you to stay out of my affairs, Mr. Warrington. You revealed my business,[whatever that means] and now I've reached my wits' end."

"You ruin human lives!" Damian retorted, with eyes ready to tear up.

This might shock you since you're apprently a goth of some sort, but "tear up" is not a verb. It looked to me like his eyes were about to rip themselves apart. Try to avoid ambiguous situations like that in the future ok

From off a plaque on the wall, He rips a particularly large sword with the word BANESTRYKE etched in the blade.

So, Geoff just lets him move over to the wall and grab the sword? Is he fucking retarded? Also, "he" shouldn't be capitalized. "Particularly large" sounds retarded.

For the future, big swords went out with FF7. It's gay. You want to be really original? Make him use a magic club. That'd be sweet.

BANESTRYKE

With tears flowing from his eyes, he screamed "GEOFF! SHOW ME WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE!"

NO. DON'T USE ALL CAPS. EVER. EVER. D-

He charged at Geoff with the extremely large sword. Damian slashed it with great force considering his bodily proportions.

This story is getting awfully Freudian. When you write sword, are you sure you don't mean "phallus?"

I find it highly unlikely that Damian could swing anything, much less a giant [s]cock[/s]sword with a fucking bowie knife sticking out of his back, having gone untended for however long it's been there.

Geoff stood there, with a large dagger like the one in Damians back, ready to block a potential decapitation. With an abnormal ripping noise, like tearing meat with bare hands, He sliced Geoffs stomach deeply.

So, he plans to block Damian's extremely large sword with a nine-inch long dagger? Not only that, but he blocks his neck, while Damian is pretty obviously going for his stomach? I mean, this extremely large sword is extremely large, after all. It can't be hard to tell where it's going. This villain kind of sucks.

Not so much as a squeal came from Geoff, who still is smirking evily. He put his hand on the wound, pushing in a piece of flesh hanging out of his belly. Suddeny, his image flashed and changed. His figure was now a red skinned, large, limbless, bulbous creature. Saliva reflected in his gaping blue mouth. A hypnotizing glare came from its singular green irised eye. A large, wide-open cut is across from where his cheek would be. He is a Cacodemon: an Interdimensional creature capable of traveling on two sides of the world in an instant.

ok

Damian dropped to the ground, terribly exausted. The creature bellowed a low frequency howl of pain, and warped away in retreat.

So, wait, it's gone? That's gay. I was expecting screaming and powering up and people casting Firaga all over.

After desperately crawling toward Akikos lifeless mound, Damian sunk his fangs in her cold neck with tears in his eyes. Feeling her flesh, he'd found that it was too late

This is kind of a gay place to end it, after that long set-up with the bar and the video store and what-all. You would at least think the gruff bartender would say something to him.

Yeah

[Emu]

i demand somebody read this thread

[Misdemonar]

I hate vampires, but hate this story even more.

[executioneer]

THE START OF MY VAMPIRE SEGA