To Be A Good Democrat:
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
You Might be A Republican If:
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes
@ ranxer.
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