I wanna make a porno.

[imported_I, fuzzbot.]

At first you'll just think it's a rap video. All these sinister, muscular, shirtless DMX-video guys will just be bouncing around and tossing their hands up. Stunting on bikes and shit. Every once in a while, a random shot of a girl in hot pants. Some dude arguing on a cellphone in slow-mo.

Then all of a sudden - needle scratch, the track changes from DMX to, like, Marvin Gaye. And all the muscular dudes start making out and caressing eachother.

Setting: backroom at a Stuckey's or a Lutheren church...lots of Whoopi Goldberg posters from that move "Fatal Beauty."

Moves: lots of ass-pounding pans and nostril-flaring closeups...gritted teeth and spit in the corners of the mouth...word...and toefucking.

[noob3]

MASTODON RULES

[Rongi]

THIS THREAD IS NUTS!!!!!11111

[imported_I, fuzzbot.]

w0rd.

At first you'll just think it's an episode of Three's Company. Short, wily visual anecdotes of all the characters - Jack biting his fist, Janet running around in short shorts, the blond ditz doing something blond and ditzy. Come and Knock on my Door, you fucking cocksucker! Fade out on a shot of Jack Tripper and the girls riding bikes on the beach.

Fade in on the apartment. The playah nieghbour guy is sitting on the couch and the girls are doing lines of coke off his hairy chest. For some unexplained reason he has leg braces - like he's been in a car accident... sorta like Rossana Arquette in Crash. Right. Anyway, Don Knotts comes barreling through the door on roller skates, sees what's happening and makes a disjointed face. He trys to look away, but can’t.

For ten minutes straight, its just one long take of this: the girls doing lines and Mr.Furley looking around in consternation and making contorted Don-Knotts-eek-faces. For ten minutes straight, there are no cuts. For ten minutes straight, just one long, endless haunting laugh track.

Then, all of a sudden, the camera makes a retro-70’s Velvet Goldmine zoom in on Mr.Furley’s face. He makes an affirmative "Bing! I've got an idea" face, gives a thumbs up, and winks into the camera.

* Cue the Who’s Pinball Wizard *

Cut to a close up: ("Ever since I was a young boy, I played the silver ball ... ") roller skates slide back and forth on metal bars. A revealing zoom out: ("... But that deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean Pinbal ... l") Mr. Furley is staring blankly like Tommy and is banging Janet from behind - all while skating on poor Larry's legs.

Larry shakes his fist.

The rest writes itself.

[James]

Nobody wants to see negroids in a porno.

[imported_I, fuzzbot.]

Just shut up.

Scene Two

(" I always thought I was the mighty table king .. but I just passed my Pinball crown to hiiiii-iiimmm." ... Pinball Wizard fades out)

“Aww, but do you have to go noooooow, Stanley?”

“I tooold you, I was supposed to meet the guys at the bowling alley at six …”

“But Stanley, wait, what about my allowence” (<< side note: wasn’t that totally retarded and repressive that Ms.Roper had an “allowence”. Yeah, um, anyway …)

Ms.Roper waters her plants. She stops, and makes a sigh of desperation.

* que Barry White *

A knock on the door.

She opens it:

"Ms.Ropah?"
"Um, well yes ..."
"My name is Carl Hungas. I fit Pipes. I’m here to fit your pipes."

("Awwwwwwwwwwwww ...
My darling I don't know, I don't know
I don't know why ...
Can't get enough of your love, baby." )

[imported_I, fuzzbot.]

This one is, like, a special political, racial equality, anti-homophobia installment (with a special appearance by Emanual Lewis!):

Having successfully lied to his wife, Mr. Roper arrives at the roller-discotheque in fine fashion. While strapping on his rainbow coloured skates, a short black man accidentally bumps into Stanley’s leg. Why, it’s Webster ... in a rad red leather jacket with all kinds of zippers! * the audience gives one of those obligatory extended guest star ovations *

“Sorry, bro” << audience laughs

Mr.Roper shakes his fist.

Music starts up: * "Watch out ... Here I come" *

Webster gets on the floor and starts busting some ill moves … like, I’m talking Michael Jackson Thriller shit. Everyone gathers around.

Mr.Roper is amused, oddly excited, and then totally absorbed in Webster’s every move.

Call it ecstasy, call it the neo-paganism of the 70’s roller rink ... call it whatever you want, Stanley’s down for whateva: he joins Webster on the floor, and they spin in circles.

music: "You spin me right round, baby
Right round, round –round …"

the rest writes itself ...

[FS]

It sounds way too sexy.

[AChimp]

I'll watch this porno only if it has an old lady walk into one of the scenes and say, "It looks like we'll need more towels" like in that one episode of Malcolm in the Middle.

That was one of the only times I ever laughed at that show.

[imported_I, fuzzbot.]

Black screen.

“Let me tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is about … “

Cut to a medium close-up of Mr.Orange, Mr.Red, Mr. Blue, Joe et al. sitting in a circle. The camera tracks around and circumscribes their witty banter.

“It’s about a girl … who digs a guy … with a big dick.” (note to those who haven’t seen the film: I’m not making this up … it’s not my material yet)

It goes on like this -- more macho male bonding: “ … I’m talking John Holmes motherfucker, Dick Dick Dick!”; Joe drops a couple of Asian hoez’ names; Harvey Kietel lays down his “You shot me in a dreaaaaamm, you betta wake up and apologize” line.

Nice-Guy Eddie sorta chuckles and wipes his nose: “Ight fellas … ante up”

Long shot. There is no table. Indeed, Steve Buschemi’s sitting alone – naked – in the center of the circle. All the gangsters are giving eachother handjobs, and have evidently been doing so throughout the entire conversation. The inevitable happens. But Eddie isn’t pleased; he glares at Mr.Pink …

“I don’t swallow.”

“What’ya mean you don’t swallow.”

“I don’t swallow.”

“You don’t swallow?”

" I don’t swallow" *shrugs*

" … Let me tell you what this is … " * Mr. Pink gestures with his hands * “It’s the worlds smallest violin ... playing just for the circle-jerk hustlers on Sunset Blvd … me, I don’t swallow.”

A long, awkward pause. Nice-Guy interjects:

“You know what? I don’t think I’ll leave a tip”

Mr. Pink and all the gangsters laugh. And laugh. And they just keep on laughing for about 40 seconds – sorta like how they do at the end of a Jem episode, ya know?

Roll credits over that “Stuck in the Middle with You” song.