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george · #1

From the Diary of Jesus Christ
(undated entry #1)

I saw a talking dog today. I was walking along thinking of funny things, ya know the stupid kind of stuff that helps to pass the time between getting my feet washed by whores before breakfast and the first good BM of the day. So I think, "Man it sure would be funny to hear a dog talk!" and out of nowhere this dog comes running up and starts yelling "Hey Jesus!! How the fuck are ya' buddy? Got any pot"

The damn thing is being so loud, and it pisses me off after awhile. The whole fucking world does not need to hear about me smoking a bit a weed, nor does it care how the fuck I am doing. So for just a split second I slip a little and think about how much I would like to see a dog explode. Sure enough that dog burst into a million bloody hunks that sprayed Peter and Paul so hard that they fell to the ground.

We all got a big laugh over that and Paul was furious that he would have to take a bath. He waddled around in circles and kicked hunks of dead dog all over the place and cut me dirty looks.

After awhile we got to walking again and after a few miles I realized that I had harmed that poor dog for no reason at all. So I miracle his ass alive again. He popped right back together again in the very spot he had been yelling at me from earlier. He reassembled and was still yelling. He scared some old lady so bad she keeled over.

NOTE TO SELF: DO A PARABLE ABOUT THE LAW OF UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES!!!!

sadie · #2

well? did paul end up having to bathe or not? don't hold out on me, man.

Anonymous · #3

These should be listed in order on Church Of Mockery

FS · #4

When I imagined a dog talking obnoxiously loud to people, I laughed real hard.

This should be a movie.

MrAdventure · #5

THIS SHOULD BE A CARTOON, I HOPE YOU LET SOME OF US BE VOICE ACTORS. I DO A MEAN SHAGGY FROM SCOOBY-DOO, LOL

slavemason · #6

I'd like to be Paul. I don't like taking baths either.

FS · #7

I feel silly. I was about to reply to MrAdventure's post with a reference to Davey & Goliath, when I realized that was what George implied in the first place. Call it culture shock.

kellychaos · #8

Therein lies the difference between yourself and David Berkowisc. I'm just glad you're not an active member of PETA lest we have a fresh serial killer freakin' murder spree on our hands. Society thanks you

george · #9

From the Diary of Jesus Christ
(undated entry #2)

What a day!

So, I am giving a little sermon to a bunch of villagers. There is the normal assortment of hags, and lepers, and people with freshly dead stuff they wanted brought back to life, the usual dregs that we get at the small shows. I was kind of bored, and just sort of winging things, Kingdom of God, blah, blah, blah. Then I notice this really hot chick in the crowd.

She had on this clingy, revealing outfit, and lots of makeup, and I could smell the crocodile dung she had stuffed in poody tat to keep from getting pregnant, and I just knew she was a whore. I started thinking about the kind of things a whore like her would do for a guy like me, and out of nowhere I get a huge throbbing boner.

What in the hell am I supposed to do? I have a robe on, and it aint like I am holding a book or something to cover up with. The weird thing was the more I tried to think the boner away by imagning a leper naked, or taking a good long look at Paul, the harder I got. I mean this boner is one to be reckoned with. I am getting frantic.

I end the sermon in a rush, and sneak off behind some bushes to rub one off. The problem is nothing will come out. I just could not get my jerk ON. I am miserable. To make matters worse that ass Paul keeps saying the same stupid joke over and over again "Can God make a boner so hard that he cant make it go down?" He keeps asking everyone. Now I like a joke as much as the next guy, but he would just not let it go.

Finally, I screamed "If you don't shut the fuck up I swear that we will find out if God can make a boner hard enough to shatter your nasty green teeth in, cause I am going to shut you up you freaking jerk." Everyone went "ooooooh!" and waited to see what stinky would say. Of couse he closed his stupid mouth.

Later that night I was feeling vengeful, so I got the other guys together, and while Paul was sleeping we took turns squatting over his face and farting. Judas went last, and while squeezing a fart out, accidently dropped a turd. I swear that thing spiraled right around Pauls mouth. The turd made a sort of bizzare beard and moustace around Pauls face. The funniest thing was Paul did not wake up!!!! How can you have shit on your face and not wake up??

That Judas is one OK dude if you ask me.