A daydreamer at heart, every so often, more often than I should, I like to drift away, but it is the coming back that is the scariest. I have these "things" every so often, I don't know what they are called exactly, but to describe them would be an exercise in futility because it no doubt takes a different description for each person who encounters it. For lack of a better phrase you can call it an introspection, a sobering glimpse of reality. Essentially, it is more or less a study of being a human, a living creature, and the responsibilities it carries, or more likely the reality. I never signed up for this, no one ever gave me the opportunity to add my input, I have no fucking clue what I'm to be doing, and eventually it will all come to an end. Its kind of like being on a roller coaster ride and waking up after it starts, not knowing how you got on, but eventually its going to end, and there is sweet fuck all you can do about it but hang on and enjoy the ride.
My Room, Last Night, between 2 and 3 AM:
But this time, this sobering glimpse was different. It was like a nagging itch, something that you really were not looking forward too was coming, something you just didn't want to go through with. Like getting wisdom teeth pulled or writing an exam that you know is going to suck. This was worse though. At sometime in my life, it hit me, I was going to have to lay down and die. Dead. Finished. Best case scenerio would be an elderly man, in my sleep, because I am simply to old to live anymore. It could come sooner, and more violently, I reasoned, but eventually it was the last task I was to complete, and knowing me I would try and put it off for as long as possible.
The prospect of this sent a fucking shiver down my spine and made me sit up straight in bed. I went upstairs to get a glass of water and think the rest of it through. Now that I, along with everyone else, am equally screwed, I would have to see where I stand on this "rope stretched across the abyss." I'm 22, my second year in University, and still in my parents basement. What the hell would I have accomplished if I died tommorow? Nothing. Well, a bunch of stupid shit, certainly nothing that would impress a bunch of dead people. All my hopes and dreams, were just that. If I died tommorow it would be with many regrets.
Seemingly, as if to affirm that last point, The Helen Miles Singers, Dick Hyman and the New York Studio Players suddenly appeared in my kitchen and broke into a full rendition of Enjoy Yourself. (I realized I must of fallen back asleep with the tv on, at last count I was watching "Everyone Says I Love You". Either way it was pretty fucking cool.) Shit. It really is later than everyone thinks, Isn't it? The next morning, I reasoned, would be the first day of the rest of my life, and I would now live life full on, no regrets, second star to the right and straight on 'till morning.
Anyways, when I woke up the next morning, I apparantly had not learned my lesson because I spent most of today in bed watching TV. Fuck you, it was my day off. Well, the first of many, since I quit my stupid job for jerks. However, I am a little more in tune now, I have a plan, and I will get to it eventually. I wasn't put here to be told how it would end, only that is has began. I'm no longer a passenger, I am now the pilot of this motherfucker of a ship and I am going to fly her like she has never been flown before.
I will let you know how it goes. You might of heard of me. I am Destiny. I seek out those who seek me in return.
C
is not taking anymore over the counter sleeping pills because they "fuck his dreams up"
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