May 24th, 2004, 07:37 AM
Some horrible news!
I have something I want to share with you, in hopes that you won't make the same mistake as I.
Now, if you're anything like your old pal, Shipwreck, two things happen to you in the summertime;
1) Your allergies start acting up.
2) You get a case of Itchy-Ass.
Now, for those of you who don't know, Itchy-Ass (IA) is when the warm weather makes your ass sweat, causing fecal matter to leak out. This then causes your anus to itch because it's not clean. So I find myself taking frequent trips to the bathroom to wipe, because just scratching it causes skidmarks and smelly fingers.
Once such incident occurred just this morning. I'd woken up with a stuffy nose (on account of my allergies), and a severe case of IA. So I groggily stumbled into the bathroom, to give my rear the once-over, making sure to gently push it just inside to clean in the wrinkles. While in the bathroom, I had to urinate, so I dropped trou, and let loose.
During this time, my stuffy nose was getting to me, so I took some toilet paper that was in my hand, and used it to blow my nose. Except I forgot the toilet paper in my hand was THE TOILET PAPER I USED TO WIPE MY SWEATY ASS POOP.
Once the odor invaded my nose, and the wetness of the TP touched my skin, my froze in horror of what I'd just done. Unfortunately, the position in which I froze did NOT match up with the position I'd need to be in for my urine to go IN the toilet bowl, so I spent a few seconds pissing into the garbage can.
Long story short, I'm sitting here wide awake, traumatized. My nose is red and raw from constant washing and rewashing. My nostrils burn from getting soap in them. I'm dreading garbage day. AND... my ass still itches. But at least my nose isn't stuffy anymore.
So, today's lesson is two-fold;
1) If you suffer from Itchy-Ass (IA) wait to handle it until you can get into a bathroom. Scratching with your hands will only cause skidmarks and smelly fingers.
2) If you need to blow your nose, make sure you don't use something that has been up your ass to do so.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. GO JOE!
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that is sick. You need to put a warning up for the people who are eating their lunch at their desk and chance upon this thread.
I'm a sucker for fecal humor.
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